


FUBAR

by cohenatwood



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - War, Anti-Depressants, Depression, Drinking to Cope, F/F, F/M, Graphic Violence, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, It's like the Revenant meets A Farewell to Arms meets Unbroken, Lexa the invincible lesbian, Malnutrition, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Postpartum Depression, Prisoner of War, Smut, Torture, War, Weapons, more tags will be added as we go, sexual assault doesn't happen to any of the characters you know and love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-14 01:45:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 31
Words: 148,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9151345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cohenatwood/pseuds/cohenatwood
Summary: Fucked up beyond all recognition/any repair/all reason.When the United States is forced into war, Lexa Griffin-Woods and her families lives are thrown upside down when she is drafted to fight the enemy overseas. A selfish decision that her unit makes while fighting sends her and her families lives into complete chaos.





	1. In The Army Now

**Author's Note:**

> I know I know. I have way too many fics going on. This is the result of having a conversation with my Army retired father and his experiences in Iraq and Afghanistan and then watching The Revenant afterwards, plus my love of World War II documentaries. I have 26 chapters all outlined already so expect frequent updates with this. All chapters will come with trigger warnings. Some of this shit will get brutal but I promise, Lexa does not die. She goes through hell, but she doesn't die. If HEAVY heavy angst isn't your cup of tea, then you should probably skedaddle.

"Oh how we've suffered in all this. Psapfo, I swear I go unwillingly"

\- Sappho  _'To A Friend Gone, Remember'_

_//_

"Aden! You better hurry up or i'll leave without you!" Lexa Griffin-Woods calls upstairs. The smell of pancakes and eggs wafts through the home. The sound of the radio playing low in the kitchen and the TV volume up slightly higher in the living room. TV shows and movies put on the back burner in every household across the United States for different news programs. Lexa hears a muffled response and is satisfied. She makes her way into the kitchen where her wife of ten years is making scrambled eggs. Clarke is dressed in her nurses scrubs, having just arrived home from the night shift. Her blonde hair thrown up in a messy bun; tired eyes and a tired smile as she hums a tune. 

"I dread our sons teenage years." Lexa says as she takes a seat at the island where her half eaten plate still sits.

Clarke chuckles, "Like mother like son. No one can be as prompt as you."

Lexa rolls her eyes, "I'm glad you find it amusing that our son has inherited your penitence of late-ness." Just then, the son in question emerges bouncing off the walls. He hops into the stool next to Lexa. Clarke sets his plate in front of him as Lexa helps fix his light brunette hair. Light blue eyes meet Lexa's green and he gives his mom a sheepish small smile. He then begins eating his breakfast. 

"Mama, when the fair comes in a few months, can we go?" Aden asks in-between mouthfuls. 

"Yeah, i'm sure we can spare a day to go to the fair." Lexa says and sips her coffee as she gives Clarke a wink. Clarke smiles and then turns her attention to Aden.

"Did you clean your room like I asked you to yesterday?" Clarke asks the young 8 year old. He nods.

"Yes m'am." His response is the product of Lexa. He is their biological child. Clarke and Lexa had grown up together in their small picturesque town of Polis, Virginia. They didn't begin dating until High School though. Married by eighteen, they went off to college together, Lexa getting her teaching degree and Clarke getting her nursing license. When they were twenty they decided to have a baby. Lexa went through a procedure to have some of her bone marrow extracted so it could be used to grow sperm cells. It had become a common practice for lesbian couples in recent years, giving them a chance to have biological children. Their result was Aden, nine months later. He mostly looks like Clarke, but acts and imitates Lexa. His light brunette tresses are all Lexa though. Lexa and Clarke were currently in the process of trying for another child, the lab having stored the unused sperm cells for the future. 

"Alright, you done?" Lexa asks Aden. He nods and gets up from the stool. "Grab the keys and wait for me in the car, I gotta grab some tests." Aden snatches the keys and is out the door. Lexa moves over to Clarke to give her a hug and a kiss on the mouth. 

"Have fun at summer school." Clarke says. Lexa smiles and nods then furrows her brow.

"Make sure you get some sleep. I'm sorry I won't be at the appointment today." 

Clarke shakes her head. "Don't worry about it. It's not the most romantic thing in the world."

"Well I hope it takes, regardless. I'll romance you tonight to make up for it." Lexa smirks and Clarke chuckles as she leans in for another kiss. They break apart and Lexa grabs her bag and walks out of the kitchen towards their front door that's still wide open from Aden's hasty exit. "I'll see you later!" Lexa calls out one last time before exiting the home. Aden is sitting in the driver seat of her car, pretending to drive it with the door wide open. She grabs him and picks him up and he squeals.

"Sir, I don't think you're old enough to drive." Lexa mocks seriousness. Aden giggles as Lexa continues holding him and opening the back passenger door to place him in his booster seat. He buckles himself up and Lexa hands him her bag to set on the seat next to him. She gives him a quick kiss on the cheek and shuts the door before climbing into the driver seat. They back down the driveway and begin their short drive to the middle school.

_"50,000 civilians are expected to be drafted into the U.S. Military by the end of next month. Since the Weather attack on NWS in Charleston declaring war on the United States, President Wake has reinstated the US draft and has begun using it. He is the first President to enforce the draft since the Vietnam War. In other news, he has brought forth a bill to reintroduce civilian rationing to help our men and women to victory. We'll get back to the music and have more war time news in the next hour."_

They pull up to the middle school and make their way to Lexa's classroom that will soon be filled with her summer school kids. Lexa normally just teaches History, but she was approached by their principal to monitor and teach summer school. Lexa accepted, due to the bonus she'd receive for giving up her summer. Aden adorably sets up his little desk like Lexa's. Lexa pulls out old tests from the previous year to give to Aden so he can pretend to grade them. The middle schoolers slowly roll in, giving Aden sheepish thumbs up and quietly taking their seats. Lexa knows she's not the fun teacher. She's strict, rigid, and no nonsense. Even though they call her 'The Commander' behind her back, she also knows her History students are always the highest testers out of all the other History teachers in the building. Although, she knows bringing Aden along with her humanizes her in their eyes a little bit.

She goes over the different subjects in their summer school work books. Aden continues to pretend to grade tests, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration. Lexa looks over at him every now and then and lets a small smile play on her lips. Before she knows it, it's time to release the students and pack up her own things, the heat of the day at it's apex. Lexa lets Aden onto her back for a piggy back ride as they make their way to the car. Once they're settled, the begin driving.

"I gotta stop at Pop-Pop's house for the patch kit for your slip'n'slide. If he's home, maybe he'll let you take a dip in the hot tub." Lexa winks at her grinning son in the rearview mirror. They pull up to Lexa's old childhood home. Her father's work van not in the driveway, showing that he was probably either building someone a pool or helping renovate a house. Lexa makes the decision to just go into the garage quickly and then head back home. They make it home and Aden bounds into the house. Clarke is lounging on the couch in shorts and a t-shirt, watching the news.

"Aden don't run in the house!" Clarke calls after the boy as he sprints past her to their sliding door to enter the back yard. Lexa comes in and sets her bag down. She plops down next to Clarke on the couch, the two tune into the television. Images from the surprise attack at the Naval base in Charleston, South Carolina are shown. The President's address to the nation that they are going to war. 

"It's so crazy that it's already been two months." Lexa says. Clarke nods. 

"How was summer school?" Clarke changes the subject. Lexa scoots over on the couch further to put an arm around Clarke and play with her hair.

"The usual. Nothing too exciting happened. How was the appointment?" Lexa asks, Clarke leaning her head on Lexa's shoulder, relishing in her wife's affection.

"I think it went good. I feel very fertile." Clarke says. Lexa chuckles heartily and kisses Clarke's head. The back door slides open and a sweaty dirty Aden emerges and he sprints into the living room, ignoring Clarke's earlier request.

"Mama, can you teach me to catch a pass?" Aden stands in front of both Clarke and Lexa with pleading eyes. Lexa sighs and removes her arm from around Clarke to get up. Lexa ruffles Aden's hair and they begin moving towards the backyard.

"I'm going to get started on dinner. Lex, don't let him dive when he doesn't have padding on." Clarke calls out to them. Lexa nods and they enter the backyard. Clarke stands and makes her way to the kitchen. She begins getting ingredients out to make salad and pasta alfredo. She watches from the kitchen sink window as she washes the lettuce head. Lexa is showing Aden how to protect the football after catching it. She must make a joke because he barks in laughter, making Clarke smile at her two loves.

They finish up their dinner and watch some kids television show before it's quite late. Clarke helps Aden get ready for bed after he showers off the grime and dirt from playing in the summer heat. Lexa watches from the doorway as Clarke and him read together in his bed, his eyelids growing more and more droopy until he's sound asleep. Clarke kisses him and tucks him in and Lexa makes her way inside his bedroom to also give him a kiss on the head goodnight. They make their way back downstairs to the living room, silently doing their own tasks. Lexa grades some pop quizzes she gave her summer school kids while Clarke reads one of her old medical textbooks from college. The TV plays the news low. Soon Clarke shuts her book with a thud and makes her way over to Lexa. She grabs her papers out of her hands and sets them on the coffee table. A look of hunger and desire in her eyes.

//

Lexa wakes in a tangle mess of sheets, the morning sun still asleep. She sits up a little and looks over to Clarke's naked back, soundly snoring. It's Saturday and she knows both her and Clarke have the day off. She wants to continue sleeping but her internal clock tells her it's time to get up and go for a run. She silently gets out of bed. She sits on the edge and rubs her eyes for a minute. She then reaches over to her nightstand and grabs her wedding ring to slip back on her ring finger. She walks into the bathroom and brushes her teeth and splashes cold water on her face. She re-emerges and walks over to the dresser for some underwear and her sports bra. She dresses then makes her way to Clarke's and her's walk-in closet and looks for her favorite muscle t-shirt. She finds it and goes back into the bedroom, finding a pair of short spandex to run in. She looks over at Clarke to make sure the blonde hasn't awaken. She's still in the same position as before. Lexa goes over and places a light kiss on her head before exiting their bedroom, softly clicking the door shut.

She makes it downstairs in the kitchen and goes over to their espresso machine to make herself an iced coffee. After sipping it down and listening to the radio lowly, she goes towards the closet by the front door and retrieves her running shoes. Lacing them up quickly, she's out the door just as dawn begins to break. She runs through the neighborhoods of their small town. She sees the occasional light on in some homes, but other than that, everyone is peacefully asleep. She passes Lincoln and Octavia's home, their lights are off except for the porch light. It illuminates the service flag pinned to their front door. Lincoln had purchased it after Bellamy Blake, Octavia's older brother, enlisted to the Marines the day after the attack. He's been gone at basic training for the last few weeks. She turns a few blocks and runs past her best friend Anya's home, she wonders if she finally asked Raven to move in like she said she was going to a few days earlier. She makes a mental note to go by at some point today. She turns a few more corners and passes Clarke's parents home. A light is on in one of the rooms, Lexa knows it's probably Abby having just got home or about to leave for her shift as a surgeon at the local hospital. She continues running, just noting the different neighbors and households. She knows everyone in this town and everyone knows her. That's how the small town worked, everyone knew everyone.

She honestly never thought her and Clarke would end up settling back here when they went off to the city for college. Clarke had wanted to after giving birth to Aden. Lexa agreed that it'd be a good place to raise their family. Lexa passes the Johnson's garden and decides to steal a couple roses. She runs a little ways and then finds her way to the old cemetery. It's iron gate already open. She jogs through the gate then slows a little. She walks a little ways until she gets to where she was going. She stops in front of the grave and sighs. She looks at her mother's name and kneels down on her knees. She traces over the letters.

"Into paradise, may the angels lead you." Lexa murmurs. It had been spoken at her funeral. Lexa's mother had been killed Lexa's freshmen year of High School. Car accident due to slick roads in the winter. Lexa had been in the passenger seat with her. The pain had dulled some, but she feels like she'll probably never truly move past it. She leaves the rose on top of her gravestone and begins making her way out of the cemetery. She resumes her jog, clutching the other rose. She circles back and by the time she's back in her neighborhood, everyone is awake and the sun is beaming, the heat from the summer sun already lingering. She passes by houses and waves at neighbors who are outside watering plants, or washing cars. She makes it to her home just as the mailman is getting out of his truck to put their mail in the mailbox. Lexa intercepts him and carries the mail inside, not really looking at it before setting it down on the table by the door. She hears Aden telling a story to Clarke in the kitchen and just like the morning before, smells the breakfast cooking.

"Hey sweaty." Clarke calls to her as Lexa enters the kitchen, she quickly deposits the other rose in front of Clarke and makes her way to the fridge for a bottle of water. She's still panting from her hard run. She winks at Clarke before taking a long pull from the bottle, sucking it down to nearly half empty. 

"Mama, Mommy is taking me to Papa's and G's house for a swim day. Are you gonna come?" Aden asks. Lexa walks over to where he's sitting on his designated stool and sits next to him. She wipes some sweat from her forehead and then goes through her memory bank of the things she has to do. She then shakes her head.

"Probably not, little man. I got some things I have to take care of around the house. Maybe we'll go over there together to swim sometime next week." She compromises when she sees a pout start to form when she told him she wasn't going. Clarke takes a seat on the other side of Aden and begins eating her breakfast. 

"We're gonna leave here in like twenty minutes, so I guess i'll see you later tonight. Unless mom decides she's making dinner then i'll let you know to come over." Clarke says in-between bites. Lexa nods, downing the rest of her water. She stands from the stool and drops a kiss on Aden's head. She then moves to her wife and kisses her cheek.

"Have fun guys. Clarke, make sure he wears lots of sunscreen, he's already looking pink." Lexa throws over her shoulder as she exits the kitchen to go shower. She showers off the sweat and re-enters her bedroom. She dresses in jean shorts and a loose white t-shirt. She makes her way downstairs to a silent house. She goes over the list of things she needs to do. She heads into their garage to get their lawn mower, and begins mowing the front and back lawns. After she's finished that, she pulls out Aden's bike that he had flatten the tire a couple weeks before. She patches it up and refills it with air. She then remembers his slip'n'slide and goes over to her car to grab the patch kit and takes the activity out back. She stretches it out and begins patching the part of tubing that had a massive hole in it. After she's finished with that, she goes back out front to trim their shrubs by their porch. 

When she's finished with her tasks, it's already nearing late afternoon. She decides to relax for a bit inside the air conditioned house. She makes her way inside and picks up the mail she had dropped earlier and makes her way into the kitchen. She grabs some celery and peanut butter as well as Clarke's homemade lemonade and settles at the kitchen table. She begins going through the mail. A water bill here. An electricity bill there. A flyer for a scrap metal drive being held at the High School to help the war effort. She then gets to a weird envelope. It's addressed to her so she opens it. The stamp at the top looks official. On the stamp is the United States emblem with the words Selective Service System around the circle. A stamp at the top is the date from two days ago, below it reading Court Issued and below that Polis, Virginia. In small printing of the stamp box it says Stamp of Local Board. Lexa swallows, already starting to guess what the contents of the rest of the letter would be. She scans down to bold printing reading 'Order to Report for Induction' and then to smaller bold printing reading 'The President of the United States,' there her name has been typed in by a type writer.

' **To**   ALEXANDRIA          MARIE          GRIFFIN-WOODS

**Order No.** 11214

**Greeting:**

Having submitted yourself to a Local Board composed of your neighbors for the purpose of determining your availability for training and service in the armed forces of the United States, you are hereby notified that you have now been selected for training and service in the ARMY. You are hereby directed to present yourself for Armed Forces Physical Examination to the Local Board named below

ARMED FORCES EXAMINING & INTRODUCTION STATION - 2ND FLOOR

BLDG 13. 1518 TRIKRU WAY, ARKADIA, VIRGINIA

on JULY 21ST, 2025 at 7:30 AM

signed Melanie Boswick (Clerk on Local Board)'

Lexa stares at the offending mail in her hands. Her mouth is agape as she continues reading it over and over again. She has been drafted to serve in the Army. She is suppose to report to the neighboring small city of Arkadia in only a week. She leans back in her chair, just staring and blinking at the letter. She will no doubt be sent to fight overseas in the large nation of Weather. She will be forced to leave Clarke and Aden at home, fearing for her life. She knows about some people doing things to get out of being drafted, but she doesn't cower. She decides then that she will do her time, serve her people, and come home to Clarke and Aden and back to their lives. Knowing history, she knows she'll be gone for over a year and then it'll be over. Judging by the news reports she thinks it could be less time, she doesn't think the war will last awhile. She continues staring at the letter when the telephone begins to ring. She shakes herself out of her reverie and stands to answer. It's Clarke.

"Hey babe, so mom is making burgers and all that good stuff for dinner tonight. Your dad is coming over and I already invited O and Lincoln. Dad says come over whenever your ready and we'll have a burger ready for you." Clarke says easily. She can hear the splashing and squealing of Aden in the background. Lexa clears her throat to try and get rid of the uneasiness she feels after reading the letter.

"Yeah, okay. I'll probably jog over there in an hour or so." Lexa hopes her voice didn't come out as shaky as it felt.

"Alright, i'll let them know. Love you." 

"Love you too." Lexa replies and the line goes dead. Lexa sighs, knowing that an emotional conversation is headed her way.

After processing everything, she grabs the house keys and begins making her way out the door. She decides to bring the letter with her, hoping maybe she'll get her father alone and can ask his advice on how to approach the topic with Clarke. She jogs down the different streets until the Griffin household is in view. Her father's work van is in the driveway next to her's and Clarke's vehicle. Lincoln and Octavia's car is parked behind their vehicle and surprisingly, Anya's motorcycle is parked by the curb. She takes a deep breath and enters the house. It's quiet inside but she can hear the muffled chatter and splashing around from out back. She tucks the envelope into her back pocket of her shorts and makes her way outside. 

Everyone calls out a greeting as she steps out. Aden is in the pool still with Lincoln and Anya, being tossed around. Clarke, Octavia, and Raven are lounging on the pool chairs. Her father and Jake are sitting at the patio table while Abby is near the grill. Abby is closest to Lexa so she walks over to give her mother in law and side hug and kiss on the cheek. She then makes her way to the patio table to sit with her father and father in law.

"Hey little one. Did you pick up the patch kit?" Gustus Woods asks. Lexa nods as Jake hands her a beer.

"Picked it up yesterday, you were out." Lexa says, popping the bottle cap off with ease and taking a sip. 

"Yeah, the Michelson's pool got a crack in the foundation. Had to empty it then fix it up. Took damn well near all day yesterday. Had to cancel a bunch of other appointments. They don't pay me enough for this." Gustus says. Jake barks out in laughter.

"You pay yourself, Woods." Jake points out in between laughter. 

"Yeah I need to talk to myself about a pay raise." He deadpans. Lexa chuckles and just shakes her head at her father's antics.

"So what's new with you kiddo? Clarke says summer school is going good?" Jake asks. Lexa nods.

"Yeah, the kids there aren't too bad." Lexa replies. Jake nods, not expecting Lexa to elaborate. When Lexa is around people other than Clarke and Aden, she puts on a more stoic façade. It's why growing up, everyone was incredibly confused as to why Clarke had a crush on her since Lexa rarely ever said anything. Everyone around town knows it's not Lexa being mean, it's just how she is.

"Alright I have 4 cheeseburgers done! Aden get out of the pool and dry off!" Abby calls out. Lincoln hoists Aden up and out of the pool and he makes his way to Clarke to get his towel to wrap around himself. He then walks over to Lexa, keeping his arms around himself to keep the towel in place. He leans forward to rest his head on Lexa's shoulder. Lexa wraps her arms around her son and squeezes.

"Did you have a fun day?" Lexa murmurs near his ear. He nods his head as Lexa continues rubbing his back, Jake and Gustus looking on adoringly. "Do you want me to help you make your burger?" He nods again and Lexa stands, keeping her arm around him as they make their way to grab a plate. She helps him with his plate and soon everyone is crowding around, making up their plates. Clarke comes by Lexa and grabs her face for a kiss before lacing their fingers. Everyone sits around the patio eating and conversing. Lexa just listens, her mind keeps going back to the letter burning a hole in her back pocket.

Clarke must notice something on Lexa's mind because she leans towards her and lowly whispers, "What's wrong?"

Lexa shakes her head and gives her a half-hearted smile, "Later." 

Clarke furrows her brow but lets it drop. She brings their laced fingers up to her lips and places a kiss and gives Lexa's hand a squeeze in reassurance. 

"So how's basic going for Bellamy?" Anya asks Octavia. Octavia shrugs.

"I think it's going alright. The Marines aren't as strict as the Army is about conversing outside of Basic so I get an update every now and then. He's done with Basic in about a week and will have three weeks before they send him off." Octavia replies. Lexa takes in that information, knowing that soon that will be her except she'll be in a different branch.

"I still can't believe he just upped and volunteered." Clarke says. Octavia frowns a little at the comment.

"He has his reasons." Octavia says. Clarke shrugs and takes a sip of her water.

"Let's table the war talk for the evening. We get enough of it everywhere else. Let's just enjoy family time." Abby says pointedly. Everyone nods and the conversation switches when Aden tells the group about Lexa teaching him how to catch the football properly.

The evening drones on and Lexa's back pocket gets more and more heavy. Everyone is in the living room, slightly exhausted after running around for an hour when Aden enacted a game of tag. Aden is slumped over Lexa's body, straddling her with his arms wrapped around her neck and his cheek resting soundly on her shoulder. Lexa traces patterns on his back as he sleeps. Everyone is talking low. Eventually everyone begins departing, Lexa never got her father alone so she knows she'll just have to wing it when her and Clarke get home.

Lexa gives hushed goodbye's to everyone, not wanting to wake Aden. She carries him out to the car and carefully removes him of his grip on her neck. He mumbles and whines a little as she buckles him in but as soon as she's done fiddling with his belt, he's back to sleeping soundly. Clarke climbs into the drivers seat and Lexa gets into the passenger seat and they take the short drive back to their home. Clarke grabs Aden out of his seat and the two parents take him upstairs. Clarke coaxes him awake enough to change into pajamas then tucks him with a kiss on his forehead. Lexa lingers in her sons room. She watches his even breaths fall and his peaceful face. She feels a tug at her heartstrings, never wanting him to lose his innocence. She doesn't want to be away from him, with the possibility of dying. She clenches her jaw and carefully makes her way over to him. She pushes some of his hair away from his forehead and then leans down to place a kiss on the exposed skin. She brings her hand up to caress where she had just laid her lips on. She then turns on her heel and walks out of his room, pulling his bedroom door shut.

Clarke is sitting in the kitchen when she makes her way downstairs, she's going over the mail that Lexa had opened earlier. Lexa swallows and makes her way over to her and sits down next to her. Clarke looks up and smiles.

"So many bills." Clarke comments, holding up one of the invoices. Lexa just wordlessly nods. Clarke goes back to looking at more of the mail. Lexa stares at a point on their old kitchen table until Clarke's voice breaks her of her trance.

"You gonna tell me what you have on that pretty mind of yours?" Clarke looks up and stares at Lexa. Lexa swallows once more, her throat feeling dry. She then adjusts herself on the chair to grab the envelope from her back pocket. She hands it to Clarke as Clarke furrows her brow in confusion. Clarke hesitantly begins to open the letter. Lexa moves her hand to rub in-between Clarke's shoulder blades. She knows when Clarke figures out what the letter means when she feels her stiffen. Lexa doesn't stop her ministrations though. She watches Clarke clench her jaw hard and begins staring at the letter, her eyes no longer moving over the words. She finally tears her gaze away from the letter and meets Lexa's eyes. Clarke's eyes are misty but there are no tears falling yet.

Lexa gives her a sad smile and shrugs. That does it for Clarke and she lets the tears spill from her eyes silently. Lexa instantly begins wiping them away with the pads of her thumbs. She then pulls Clarke into her chest and begins stroking her hair.

"It'll be alright. I promise." Lexa whispers and Clarke nods.

//

A week later Lexa is up early in the morning to make the drive to Arkadia by 7:30. She gathers the documents a separate letter that was sent to her had asked her to bring. Lexa puts them in a manilla folder and sips on some coffee, taking a minute. A sleepy Clarke emerges in her robe and wordlessly walks up to where Lexa is sitting. She sits down on Lexa's lap and wraps her arms around her wife's neck and rests her head on her shoulder. Lexa wraps her arms around Clarke's waist to steady her. Lexa places lazy kisses on Clarke's head.

"What time do you need to hit the road?" Clarke rasps. She lifts her head to look into Lexa's sea-foam eyes.

"Now." Lexa states. Clarke nods and leans forward to place her lips onto Lexa's full ones. They slowly move together, lingering until finally Lexa pulls back. Clarke gets off of Lexa's lap and watches her gather her things. She follows Lexa out the door and into their still dark driveway. Lexa sets her things in the back passenger seat behind the drivers seat. Clarke stands barefoot with her arms crossed. Lexa shuts the passenger door and opens the driver door. She then walks over to where Clarke is standing.

"I don't know how long these things take so i'm just gonna say expect me back by late evening. I'll call you when I get to the building." Lexa says. Clarke nods and wraps her arms around Lexa's torso, Lexa wrapping her arms around Clarke's shoulders and neck, placing one of her hands in her hair, gently massaging her scalp. She places a few kisses on Clarke's head.

"Is it wrong that i'm hoping you have some sort of medical defect that will magically be discovered during your physical?" Clarke says. Lexa chuckles and shakes her head. They pull back from each other. Lexa tucks a strand of Clarke's messy blonde hair behind her ear and gives her a small smile.

"I'll see you later, alligator." Lexa says. This makes Clarke smile for the first time in a week. 

"After awhile, crocodile." Clarke says, her voice still hoarse from sleeping. Lexa then turns and enters her car. Clarke continues to stand in the driveway as Lexa pulls out. Lexa decides to forgo the radio and just listen to her iPod plugged into the AUX port. The smooth beats of The Shins rings out, calming Lexa of the building anxiety she feels as she gets closer to Arkadia. She makes it into the small city. She finds parking a few blocks away and pulls out her cellphone to call Clarke. Lexa lets her know she made it and Clarke sleepily tells her she loves her and will see her later. 

Lexa exits her vehicle and walks down the sidewalk. She knows instantly which building she needs to be at as a huge line of men and women, holding various documents stretches outside the building. She gets in line and figures out that most of the day will probably be a game of 'hurry up and wait'. She stands tall and rigid. She doesn't converse with anyone as she continues moving down the line. After about an hour and a half, she finally makes it inside the building. She goes up to the desk and presents them with her draft letter. They find her order number and take the records she had been requested to bring. She is then directed to a separate line for women. From there they ask the women to strip down to their underwear and given a place to store their clothing. They are handed a blank file with their name on it; a nurse explains that it's to take with them to each station. 

They walk down to the first station, water bottles are wordlessly handed out and they are informed they would be taking a urine test. A man doesn't look up as Lexa hands him her file and he absentmindedly checks off the urine sample on her list. They are then taken to stalls without doors or walls and asked to pee in the small cup, zero privacy. Lexa does what is asked of her with ease, while other women struggle a little. They are then moved to an examination room. There, doctors begin taking weight and height. They also take amount of body fat and blood pressure. After writing the results down, they take Lexa into a separate room where she gets X-ray's of her lungs and blood taken. She is then escorted back into the same room as before and then they give her a physical. Poking and prodding at different parts of her body and making her do eye tests. Every nurse and doctor just wordlessly writes things into her file and send her onto the next examination. She feels like a lamb being sent to the slaughter as they continue stamping approved on every piece of medical information they gather. She goes into the psychological portion where she talks one on one with a psychiatrist...well, more like they went down a list of mundane questions in which Lexa answered 'Yes' or 'No' to. 

Finally when all is said and done, her file is filled with everything they need to know about Lexa's body and it will be their guide to how valuable it will be to the country. They are then escorted back to their clothing and told that within a day's time, their local draft board will let them know if they qualify for General Service, Limited Service, or Disqualified. Lexa exits the building and it's dusk once more. She feels exhausted and partly wants to just get a hotel room for the evening instead of driving. She decides against it as she makes it back to her car, she checks her phone and sees she has a couple missed calls from Clarke. She decides to let her know it's all done and that she was heading back.

"Hey babe." Clarke answers, her voice sounding exhausted as well.

"Hey. So i'm all finished up here finally, headed back once I get off the phone with you. How was your shift and how was Aden with my dad?" Lexa asks, leaning back in her seat. She hears Clarke groan.

"Got thrown up on like three times today and yelled at more than that. Today was definitely not my day. Aden was fine from what your dad said but I can tell he missed you today...did they-did they tell you what's going to happen next? Like if and when you leave?" Clarke asks hesitantly. Lexa sighs.

"I should know whether I qualify for General Service, Limited Service, or if I was Disqualified by tomorrow. I gotta go to the local draft board down on Main Street first thing tomorrow." Lexa replies, she hears Clarke let out a breath then she hears Aden in the background asking if that was 'Mama'. She replies that it is and that she's on her way home.

"I'm gonna let you go Lex so you can hit the road. Aden's getting a little antsy about you not being here all day. I'm gonna try to occupy his time for a little until you get home." Clarke says.

"Alright. Try getting out his old coloring book and coloring with him. He hasn't done that in awhile. I'll be home soon, I love you." Lexa says.

"I love you too, see you soon." Clarke replies. The phone call ends and Lexa makes her way back to Polis. She gets home but doesn't find Clarke or Aden on the main floor. She makes her way upstairs and sees Aden's light is on and door is open. She walks in and watches Clarke reading to Aden as the boys eyelids are shut and looks as though he's been sleeping for awhile. Lexa leans on the doorjamb, just watching Clarke reading out loud. Clarke begins yawning in the middle of a sentence and Lexa makes her presence known by knocking lightly on the frame. Clarke looks up and her sleepy blue eyes meet Lexa's green and she smiles. Clarke doesn't say anything but gets up, tucking Aden in and shutting off his light before following Lexa out of the room into their bedroom.

Clarke walks in first and after Lexa closes and locks their door, Clarke's lips are on Lexa's. Lexa wraps her arms immediately around Clarke's waist as Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa's neck.  After a minute, the two pull apart and Clarke buries her face in Lexa's shoulder as Lexa drops her chin onto Clarke's. She begins rubbing her arms up and down Clarke's sides while swaying her slightly. 

"I missed you so much." Clarke whispers.

"I missed you too." Lexa murmurs and kisses Clarke's shoulder. They stay like that for awhile until Lexa pulls away, leaving one last kiss on Clarke's lips. The two begin their routine of getting ready for bed, once settled, Lexa curls up to Clarke and rests her head on her wife's chest as Clarke begins playing with Lexa's long brunette tresses.

"What was it like?" Clarke asks in the darkness. Lexa shakes her head.

"You want the truth or a lie?" Lexa asks.

"Lie to me."

"It was the greatest experience of my life. I would do it over again in a heartbeat." Lexa deadpans. Clarke giggles which makes Lexa smile. She could never get tired of hearing that sound from Clarke. After awhile, they're silent. Lexa would think Clarke is asleep if it weren't for the soft stroking of her hair. Finally Clarke whispers into the darkness, almost like a prayer.

"I really don't want you to go."

//

General Service. Qualified for General Service in the United States Army. Currently on a plane with many other draftees headed to Camp Travis in Fort Sam Houston, Texas. She's over 1,000 miles away from Clarke, Aden and the rest of her family. She leans her head back on her seat, taking in that this will be her new normal now. Clarke and Lexa had sat down and explained it to Aden once Lexa had been approved. He had been incredibly confused at first because Lexa wasn't a soldier but a teacher. After taking awhile to break down what a draft means, he understood.  He then began wanting to play 'soldier' because that's what Lexa was now and it didn't seem like a big deal to him, which relieved Lexa. That was, until a few days later that she had to tell him she'd be gone for two months and wouldn't be able to speak or see him. He begged to come with her because he should 'be allowed since he went with her to summer school'. After calming him down, Lexa had to leave. She hopes he's doing better now than he had initially.

They land and are instantly marched off to a bus with no air conditioning in the dead of summer basically in the middle of a desert. After about an hour, they are marched off the bus and forced to line up. An officer comes and yells a lot at them, Lexa actually can't hardly understand him because it's so loud and unclear. She does get the gist that you must address everyone as 'Sir' or 'M'am' which won't be hard for Lexa. The Drill Sargent then makes them do an exercise of placing their luggage in a straight line, alphabetical order, in under three minutes (45 seconds in Drill Sargent time, she learns) and naturally they fail. Considering there's over 200 of them and they don't know each other's names, getting all of that and putting them in the correct order is next to impossible in that amount of time. Because they failed they are then forced to hit the field and run in a straight line for ten miles in the sweltering summer heat. Lexa had liked to think she was in great shape, but after that she feels like she had been a couch potato her entire life. They are then asked to do jumping jacks, sit ups, push-ups, suicides and planks. By the time the final whistle is blown to drop out of their last plank, the sun was almost gone and night had begun setting in. She's drenched head to toe in sweat by the end. Seriously, anyone would be convinced that Lexa had been thrown into a lake or pool with all her clothes on if they didn't smell her. They are marched back over to where their luggage had still sat and given their orders to where there bunks are and where her new platoon will be waiting. She walks with her bag slung over her shoulder to the cabin like barracks. Other people that will be part of her platoon arrive, just as sweaty and exhausted as she is.

She gets introduced to her platoon. Two of them had already been there for a day while the rest have just arrived. Lexa and a girl named Jasmine Echo are the only females. She's Lexa's height and has dark hair and pale skin. She doesn't say much to Lexa but a hello and her name. Lexa decides that she's indifferent about her. There's Michael Quint, a brutish man who is loud and seems angry all the time. He's bald and stocky and sometimes has a crazy look in his eye. Lexa decides she doesn't like him. Then there's Casey Mitchell, he's about Lexa's age, tall and super skinny, barely any muscle definition in his body. He has thick rimmed black glasses and jet black hair. He shakes Lexa's hand firmly and gives her an easy smile and Lexa decides she's alright with him. Then there's Galen Roberts, it's clear right off the bat he thinks he's hot shit. If Lexa weren't super gay and married, she could understand the potential appeal. He has a megawatt smile with dimples, blue eyes and darkish hair. His tan skin from long summer days is muscular and smooth. In the looks department, he's attractive. In the personality department, he's shit. Lexa decides she hates him when he flirts with her while simultaneously pointing out her wedding ring. Last is the baby of the group. Rehmy Artigas is young. Like, possibly lied about his age in order to join up, young. He's slender and medium height. Tanned skin and black hair. Lexa's almost pretty sure he hasn't gone through puberty yet until he speaks and has a low smooth voice. He's gentle and nice, a little bit shy and Lexa decides she'll probably end up liking him the most.

From there everyone gets settled in and soon it's lights out. Lexa lays in her bunk and is surprised that she isn't asleep already. Her mind is wandering to the next two months, the months that'll follow after that, to Clarke and Aden, to her father, to her friends. After about two hours of going over scenarios she falls asleep.

"The minute you are handed this rifle it is time for you to accept the responsibility of being a soldier! You must learn and learn well! You need to always be stronger, quicker, and more accurate than our enemy overseas! You are learning to be part of a team here! All your lives depend on how well the person beside you has learned his or her's job!" Commanding Officer Sheffield yells out to his new platoon. Lexa is standing stick straight in her green Army training uniform, sweating from the morning drills and the devil that is the summer sun. It's been a week of drills and being yelled at constantly but they are now heading into the combat stage. Lexa gets her gun and they learn how to take it apart to clean it quickly. Officer Sheffield times them and anytime they fail they are forced to do push-ups. Once everyone in her platoon is able to take apart their gun and put it back together with accuracy in under five minutes, they are moved to the firing range. After some adjustments, Lexa hits her target with sharp accuracy. They then move onto hand-to-hand combat. Lexa thinks the Army's strategy with this might be a little flawed when they explain, "You have one objective and it's to get that Reaper first!" and that was the end of instructions. She fights Echo first, and the two take turns flipping each other. They switch and then she's matched with Quint. She flips him over quite a few times and she can tell he's getting angry about it. He finally lays her out so hard it knocks the wind out of her. Of course from there he lays on top of her and wraps his hands around her neck and shakes her body until Sheffield tells him he did good. She's noticed that Quint always has to have some sort of praise or else he's a dick for the rest of the day.

They do the field obstacle course. It's equipped with muddy trenches, barbed wire, walls you have to climb, ropes and hurdles. They do it three times a week, trying to get faster and stronger. When their final test happens, they have to do the course for the first time carrying their rifle. Lexa places in second with the fastest time. Lexa has excelled in the physical aspect of boot camp, she has also learned she has a penitence for terrain and languages. The European nation of Weather is vast and heavily wooded. The terrain is rough which is why it's been hard for the United States to invade it properly. Surging forward to gain land is difficult, especially with the way the Reapers fight. They have uniforms, much like the United States and also have guns, but they also use old school techniques like bow and arrows, spears, knifes and such. The language barrier is also a huge factor, they speak a dead language called Trigdesleng. Lexa excels in learning the language and maps of their terrain, she is soon designated as her platoons official guide for when they are dropped into enemy territory.

She hasn't been able to speak to any of her family throughout her entire time at basic. She was able to write letters and send them to Clarke and Aden but unfortunately, they couldn't send any to her. She knows Clarke will probably be pretty shocked by her appearance now. She's muscular, a lot more than what she was. Her arms have more muscle tone than ever and she actually has a six pack of abs. Her skin is incredibly tanned due to the long days out in the summer Texas sun. She never knew her physique could look like what it does now. She's been completely transformed from relatively fit Middle School History teacher to muscular United States Army soldier in only 8 weeks.

She's back on her flight home to Polis for two weeks before she is then sent overseas to enemy territory. She's getting antsy to see Clarke and Aden, having missed the two of them way too much. She knows deep down it's a feeling she needs to get used to. Lexa's flight lands earlier than expected so she grabs a cab into Polis. When she approaches her neighborhood she sees that everyone is at their house. She pulls up and Aden is playing in the front yard while Raven and Anya are sitting on her porch, the screen door is open and Lexa can see inside Abby and Jake making their way out into the front lawn. Lexa exits the cab and Aden squeals, dropping the football he was playing with and runs into Lexa's arms. Lexa bends down to scoop him up and hold him.

"Hey little man!" Lexa exclaims, her heart feels so full in this moment. Aden pulls back from her embrace, Lexa still holding him up. He puts his little hands on either side of her cheeks and beams.

"Hi mama! You're stronger!" He says and pats her arm, making Lexa laugh. She hears then Clarke coming outside and coming over to them. She keeps ahold of Aden as Clarke wraps her arms around Lexa, the three in a group hug. It's then Abby calls out to them.

"Turn over this way, I want a photo of you guys." They turn, Aden perched on Lexa's side, Lexa holding him up with one arm. Her other arm wrapped around Clarke's shoulder's as Clarke reaches up her hand to entangle their fingers. They all smile happily and Abby takes the picture and then shows Anya and Raven commenting on how good they look. Lexa sets Aden down but he stays attached to her side. Lexa leans in to give Clarke a proper kiss.

"Hi." Lexa smiles.

"Hey yourself." Clarke smiles back. Lexa leans in one more time to capture Clarke's lips and then she grabs her bag that she had dropped in the yard and makes her way up their porch with Clarke's hand in her's. She opens the screen door to sit her bag down quickly and then walks over to Abby. Abby pulls her into a tight hug and gives Lexa a kiss on the cheek. She moves to Jake and he pulls her into a hug as well. She goes over to Anya and punches her in the shoulder but then sheepishly pulls her best friend into a hug. She gives Raven a quick hug, as well as Octavia. Lincoln pulls her into a tight hug, then she finally gets to her father. He stands from where he was sitting on the porch swing. He studies her for a second then pulls her into his chest, giving her a kiss on the head.

"Hey little one." He says. Lexa smiles and pulls out of his embrace.

"Pops." From there they all hang out in the front yard. Some of their neighbors come by to see Lexa and bring cookies and other desserts. Raven makes more than one sexual comment to Clarke about Lexa's new physique, causing Lexa to roll her eyes at her antics. Lexa plays catch with Aden, his skills already having improved. He tells her that Uncle Lincoln and Pop-Pop  had been helping him out while she was gone. She's grateful for that. The evening continues on and soon everyone bids Lexa a farewell and let's her know that they need to see her before she ships off. Lexa takes a sleepy Aden up to his room and reads him a bedtime story before tucking him in. She makes her way back downstairs, Clarke is swinging on the porch swing, sipping on a glass of lemonade. She sits down next to her and throws an arm over her shoulder. Clarke leans into her shoulder then rests her head.

"What's new Scooby Doo?" Lexa asks. She feels Clarke chuckle.

"Not a whole lot, honestly. Worked a lot. Aden wants to officially play football so i'm looking into a peewee league for him since he's too old for flag football now. Raven is hoping Anya asks her to marry her soon. Lincoln and Octavia are trying for a baby. Bell got sent off, last we heard he's doing good. Mom and dad are good as far as I know. Your dad has been doing good. Aden's been spending most of his days with him helping him work. Harper McIntyre's husband got drafted. You two are so far the only ones in the town who have been. Um, I don't know what else. Everything has pretty much stayed the same." Lexa nods, taking in all the new information she's missed in the last eight weeks.

"Sounds to me like a little and a lot has happened." Lexa says. She feels Clarke shrug. Silence fills the air as they listen to crickets and see the occasional firefly light up the darkness in their front lawn. Lexa breaks through the silence.

"My dad is paying Aden right? If he's been working with him he better be paying him." Lexa says. Clarke chuckles.

"Yeah he paid him a couple times, you know how he is though. Tries to keep it cheap." Clarke comments. Lexa laughs and nods her head, knowing all too well how cheap her father liked to be.

"What do you want to do tomorrow?" Lexa asks Clarke. Clarke hums, seemingly thinking about it.

"Summer's almost over so we can do something fun but I also need to go school supply shopping for Ade. We can do that together. But I don't know. We could go to the beach? Aden hasn't been all summer." Clarke suggests. Lexa nods.

"Yeah we can do that. I know the fair will be here two days before I leave so we'll be doing that opening night, that's all I pretty much have planned for you guys." 

"Oh yeah that's all he's been talking about recently. He's excited for it." Clarke mentions. The two fall into a comfortable silence until Clarke begins rubbing Lexa's toned arm.

"I have a feeling i'm going to like naked Army Lexa." Clarke says, and Lexa can hear the smirk in her voice. Lexa shakes her head and laughs.

"Insatiable. That is what you are." Lexa says, Clarke giggles and nods her head.

"Proud of it babe. But seriously, we should go to bed. I needed to show you how much I missed you the minute I saw you and now i'm just getting impatient." Clarke comments. Lexa laughs again and just shakes her head at Clarke. They then stand and make their way inside, locking the doors and turning out the lights. After falling into bed, many rounds of sweaty sex, a panicky moment in which they thought Aden had woken up, then more rounds of sex, the two lay together in absolute bliss. Clarke has her head on Lexa's chest, tracing the outline of her newly formed abs. It's so peaceful and quiet. Just the humming of their fan being the only noise.

It's at this moment that a life changing thing is whispered into the comfortable darkness. 

"It worked. I'm pregnant." Lexa hears whispered. Her heart starts thumping hard and she sits up a little, to search for blue eyes in the darkness. She finds them and sees worry in the eyes. Lexa shakes her head in reassurance and then gives Clarke a smile. Clarke gives her a sad smile back and then Lexa leans into Clarke once more kissing her passionately and falling back on top of her.

//

The next two weeks seem to fly by. Before she knows it, it's opening night of the county fair. Aden is bouncing off the walls in excitement as he drags Lexa from ride after ride. Clarke watches from the sidelines, taking pictures and videos on her phone of the pair. They then begin playing the rigged carnival games, Aden wanting a stuffed animal desperately. She finally wins him a stuffed raccoon, ironically at the shooting game. He holds it close to his chest for the rest of the evening while he sits perched on Lexa's shoulders. They're stopped a lot when making their rounds around the fair grounds. Neighbors wishing good luck, former colleagues letting her know they'd have her classroom under control while she's gone. People offer the three of them free food and free rides. She's not really sure how to react to these things so she just smiles and says 'thanks'. They don't leave the fair until it closes down for the evening. Aden happily exclaims when they get into their car that this was the best day of his life. Lexa feels nothing but happiness and can't help the full blown smile she sends to Clarke, who is also matching her, at their sons innocence and happiness.

Abby and Jake decide to throw a farewell BBQ at the Griffin home the next day. They invite everyone in the neighborhood. The kids swim in their pool while the various adults converse about the war effort. People slap Lexa on the back and call her brave and Lexa eternally screams. She never asked to go to war. She didn't volunteer to go risk her life, but everyone in town keeps making it feel like she had. The government picked her number out of a lottery, decided her physicality could be morphed into what they needed, handed her a gun and said 'go die for us'. She didn't volunteer for that, she had been picked. If it were her choice, she'd stay home and take care of Aden and watch as Clarke's belly gets bigger with their second child. But she'll miss it. She'll miss Aden's first football game. She'll miss the birth of their newborn son or daughter. There are so many firsts she'll miss when she's overseas, she has to wonder why anyone with a family would want to volunteer for something like this.

The evening winds down and soon it's only the regulars at the Griffin household. Aden is passed out on the couch and Clarke keeps eyeing Lexa; it's clear she's ready to head home and have the rest of the evening to themselves. The conversation lulls a little and Lexa takes the out, already mentally preparing for the emotional goodbyes she'll have between most of the people in the room.

"Well, I think we're going to head out. Aden's exhausted and I have to be at the airport relatively early tomorrow." Lexa says. There's a tension in the room after that. Abby stands from where she was sitting and Lexa does as well. Abby's eyes are already welling with tears as she pulls Lexa into a crushing hug. From there everyone who won't be seeing her off in the morning begin to stand.

"Oh lord, I promised myself I wouldn't cry." Abby says to her in a watery laugh. Lexa just rubs her back and smiles. They pull away and Abby grabs Lexa's hand and squeezes it."Please be safe. I love you." 

Lexa nods and squeezes her hand back. "I will. Love you too." She lets go and moves out of the way for Jake to say his goodbyes. Abby goes to stand next to Clarke, who is trying to subtlety wipe away some stray tears. Lexa watches Abby wrap her arm around Clarke in comfort. She then moves in front of Jake, who is also a little teary and Lexa has to swallow a lump in her throat.

"C'mere kiddo." Lexa walks into her father in law's embrace. They stay like that for a minute, Jake squeezing her tightly. "You're gonna be fine, kid. I'll watch over Clarke and keep Aden in line." He murmurs. Lexa nods and breaks from his embrace, she gives him an easy smile as he pats her shoulder then squeezes reassuringly. She then moves to Octavia. Octavia pulls her into a bone crushing hug, which surprises Lexa a little, since they've never really been close.

"Seriously, be safe." Octavia says. Lexa pulls away and nods, Octavia's eyes are filled with unshed tears as Lexa moves to Lincoln. Lincoln has tears freely going down his cheeks and Lexa gives him a small smile. He pulls her into a bear hug, lifting her off the ground slightly.

"You'll be back before you know it." He says. Lincoln releases Lexa and then she makes her way to a teary Raven. Raven hugs Lexa and buries her face into Lexa's neck. Lexa rubs her back in comfort, feeling that lump in her throat constrict.

"Please don't get blown up." Raven says, making Lexa chuckle.

"I'll try not to, Rae." Lexa says. They break the embrace and Lexa looks around at everyone. She doesn't say her goodbyes to her father or Anya as they have been recruited to drive her to the airport. "I'll see you guys later. Take care of yourselves." She calls out, everyone is wiping tears and nodding. She goes over to Clarke and gives her a reassuring squeeze on her forearm. "I'm gonna take Ade to the car." Clarke nods, and Lexa goes over to the couch and scoops Aden up. He mumbles a little but then wraps his legs around Lexa's waist and his arms around her neck. Lexa walks gingerly out to their car, buckling him in and settling into the drivers seat, watching the front door as everyone gives Clarke tight hugs and kisses on cheeks. Clarke starts coming towards the car, wiping her face as she enters into the passenger seat. Then Lexa's father jogs up to the driver's side window. 

Lexa rolls down the window as he begins to speak, "What time do you want Anya and I at the house to drive you?"

Lexa looks over at Clarke, who shrugs. She thinks about how long it'll take to get to the airport and go through customs and security and how much time she'll need to say goodbye to Clarke and Aden.

"Probably come by at like 8, 8:10. Around there." She replies, Gustus nods and leans in to place a kiss on Lexa's cheek.

"Alright, see you tomorrow little one."

They pull down the driveway and begin the short drive back to their home. Lexa keeps her hand on Clarke's thigh the entire time, stroking circles as Clarke's hand lays on top of hers, stroking her thumb over her wrist. They park their car and Lexa gets out and moves to get Aden out of the backseat. She carries him just like before as they enter the house. Lexa makes her way up the stairs, Clarke following close behind. She lays Aden on his bed and begins trying to coax him awake so he can get into pajamas. He wakes up a little and Lexa helps him into pajamas and then lays down with him on his bed. Clarke watches them from the doorway as Aden curls up into Lexa and Lexa begins stroking his light brunette hair. Lexa memorizes this moment. Her son gripping her shirt in a balled up fist, his warmth curled into her side. His soft breathing, indicating he's asleep and dreaming. The feel of his thick hair and the soft skin on his forehead when she moves her hands up. She lays in his bed with him for over an hour before finally getting up, giving him a long kiss on the forehead and murmuring 'I love you, little man.'

Lexa walks out of his bedroom, Clarke had left the doorway at some point to go into their bedroom. She shuts his door and begins to pad her way into the bedroom. She shuts their door and locks it then turns around to Clarke standing in front of her. Lust and love are very present in her deep blue eyes. She has her robe on but Lexa can tell she's not wearing anything underneath it, her already erect nipples giving her away as they poke through the fabric. Clarke steps forward and soon her thin pink lips are on Lexa's plump ones. They open mouth kiss as Lexa moves her hands to the tie of the robe. She pulls the string and it comes undone, revealing Clarke in all her beauty. Lexa pulls back from kissing to admire her for a second. She brings her hands up to push the robe completely off her shoulders, the robe pooling down by Clarke's feet. Lexa then never breaks contact with Clarke's skin as she moves slowly down from her shoulders to her generous breasts. Clarke lets out a low sigh as Lexa's thumbs trace over her pink, taut nipples. After massaging her breasts for a little, Clarke pulls Lexa back into a kiss. Clarke's tongue instantly is tracing Lexa's bottom lip and Lexa opens her mouth to grant access. Their tongues swirl and massage against one another's. Memorizing the taste of the other. Lexa moves her hands from Clarke's breasts down to her waist, the action causing goosebumps to form on Clarke's skin. She uses some pressure to start guiding Clarke back to their king size bed. The back of Clarke's legs hit the edge of the mattress and they both slowly begin to lay down.

They never break their kiss when laying down horizontally. Lexa is on top of Clarke, kissing her slowly and passionately all at the same time. Her hands roam over the expanse of Clarke's naked stomach, where their second child is currently. Clarke begins moving her hands underneath Lexa's shirt, tracing her abdominal muscles, causing Lexa to shiver and feel a pooling sensation in her lower belly. Lexa breaks the kiss and sits up a little, removing her shirt with ease and and unclasping her bra, tossing the garment onto the bedroom floor. Clarke stares up at her and then moves her hands to massage Lexa's breasts. Lexa lets out a low breath, the tingling sensation of Clarke's hands on her making her more aroused. Clarke then moves her hands down to Lexa's stomach, then into the waistband of her shorts. Clarke unbuttons them and slips her hand inside, over her underwear. She cups Lexa, putting pressure right where Lexa needs it, and Lexa can't help the slight whimper in her moan. Clarke removes her hand and years of having sex with one another tells her that Clarke wants her to remove the rest of her clothes. Lexa stands up from the bed and slides her shorts and underwear down with ease. She climbs back into bed, her lips finding Clarke's once more.

Lexa's hands roam all over Clarke's body as Clarke massages her hair and scalp. Lexa's hand makes it's way further south until it grazes over Clarke's soaking sex. Clarke moans into Lexa's mouth as Lexa brings her index and middle finger up to her clit, rubbing the bud gently. Lexa then moves her lips to Clarke's neck, sucking on her pulse point then soothing it over with her tongue. Clarke's moans get louder and fill their bedroom as Lexa picks up some speed in rubbing her sensitive bud. When Clarke's moans hits a certain point, Lexa knows that's her cue to move further down. She runs her two fingers through drenched folds and before finding Clarke's entrance. She pushes her two fingers in and Clarke lets out a long loud moan. A moan that'd wake any other person but their son as he's an incredibly hard sleeper. 

She pumps her fingers slowly at first. Clarke's panting increasing. She then begins a faster pace as she begins feeling Clarke's walls fluttering around her fingers. Lexa lifts her head from Clarke's neck and pulls her into a breathy kiss. They break the kiss but keep their lips on one another, their mouths open and panting into one another as each thrust making Clarke's body move up in motion. They keep their eyes locked on one another. It convey's everything they are feeling at the moment. I love you. I miss you already. Please don't leave me. Be safe. I'll be waiting for you. Finally, Lexa feels a hard clench onto her fingers and a gush of wetness as Clarke's breath hitches and she lets out a long loud moan, Lexa's name tacked on the end of it.

Clarke flips them over after gathering herself, settling in-between Lexa's legs. She kisses Lexa passionately, her tongue expertly moving on Lexa's. She then pulls away and begins leaving a trail of love bites all down Lexa's toned body. She traces her tongue on Lexa's abs, making Lexa shudder. She leaves a mark just above her naval then moves further down. Lexa sets her feet flat on the bed as Clarke hooks her arms around her thighs. Clarke gives a kiss to Lexa's clit before laying her tongue flat against it. Lexa breathes out, feeling the relief already. Clarke then begins swirling her tongue around the bud, making Lexa squirm in pleasure. One of Lexa's hands grips the sheets below, balling into a fist as Clarke works her up even more. It's not long when Clarke knows to go further. She runs her tongue through Lexa's already wet folds, tracing a pattern a few times before finally finding purchase at Lexa's entrance. Clarke moves her tongue over it, Lexa letting out breathy moans. She then enters Lexa with her tongue, tasting the sweet and tanginess of her arousal. Lexa uses her other hand and finds one of Clarke's gripped onto her thighs. They entwine their fingers, squeezing as Clarke begins moving her tongue in and out of Lexa. 

The squeezing of their hands also sends every message that they don't need to say out loud. I'll always be with you.

Lexa clenches with a breathy moan and arched back after awhile, Clarke lapping up the arousal dripping out of Lexa. Their both sweaty and hot as Clarke settles back into the sheets, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. Satisfied for the moment, they curl up together, both tracing their fingers over the others skin. Mapping each other out, memorizing what the other feels like underneath their fingertips. They don't talk, they stay entangled with one another, just listening to the other breathing until their ready to go again.

That's how it goes for most of the night. They make love slowly, take a breather with just enjoying being in each other's presence, then make love again. It's when Clarke falls asleep at 3 am while Lexa traces her back that the marathon ends. Lexa falls asleep as well, listening to Clarke's breathing and feeling the thump of her pulse from her neck where her head lays on Lexa's chest.

The beeping of the alarm clock wakes her from her slumber. It's about 6:30 am. Clarke stirs from slumber with her and the two lay in bed, still naked and sated staring up at the ceiling. Lexa then untangles herself from Clarke, placing a chaste kiss onto her cheek to make her way into the bathroom. Clarke of course follows in after her and they make love in the shower until the warm water turns to cold. They both exit the bathroom naked after they are finished, Clarke throws her wet hair up into a bun and grabs sleep shorts and one of Lexa's old large t-shirts. Lexa begins dressing in her uniform. Clarke sits on the bed and watches her. She puts on the crisply pressed green trousers, cinching the belt snuggly. She puts on a white t-shirt and tucks it in. She then proceeds to put on the long sleeved button up, carefully buttoning the cuffs with precision. She grabs the tie and flips up the collar of the button up, Clarke stands from the bed and moves in front of her. She wordlessly grabs the tie from Lexa and begins tying it into a perfect knot. She flips the collar back into place and smooths it out for Lexa. Lexa then moves to the military jacket with her last name on a metal plague, pinned to one of the breast pockets. She puts it on and Clarke buttons the buttons for her, slowly. Lexa can tell her hands are already trembling but doesn't comment on it.

Soon Lexa is dressed in her beautiful Army uniform. The green makes her eyes stand out exponentially. Lexa then moves towards the mirror and begins putting her long brunette tresses into intricate braids to keep out of her eyes. Once she's finished she sits on the bed to put on her shiny black shoes, she's then completely dressed and ready to go. She stands from the bed and notices Clarke has already started silently crying. She swallows and makes her way over to her, she wraps her up in her arms and Clarke begins sobbing into her chest. Lexa lets her own tears fall freely and sniffs. She strokes Clarke's hair and tries to soothe her.

"Shhhhhh, it's okay. It's okay. It'll be okay. Shhhhhh." She continues repeating it until they hear a little knock on their bedroom door. Clarke removes herself from Lexa and goes into the bathroom, knowing that Lexa and Aden needed to have a moment alone and she didn't want to startle the young boy with her sobs. Lexa wipes her eyes and moves to unlock their bedroom door to let Aden inside. When she opens it up, Aden looks up at her with solemn blue eyes. 

"Are you leaving now?" His little voice asks. Lexa nods and bends down so she is eye level with him.

"I know we've talked about it already but i'm going to be gone for awhile, longer than the last time I was gone." Lexa says. He furrows his brow.

"Can I come with you this time? I promise i'll be helpful." He asks. Lexa feels her heart shattering and wills herself not to start crying.

"I'm sorry bud, but you can't. You gotta stay here and help mommy, especially when your new brother or sister gets here. Can you stay and be helpful here for me?" Lexa asks. He seems to think about it then he nods.

"Mama, you're not gonna die are you?" He asks after a moment. Lexa holds her breath then lets it out. She puts her hand on his shoulder and begins caressing it.

"There's always a chance that that could happen, i'm not going to lie to you. But I want you to know something okay?" Lexa asks. His eyes are welling, the gravity of the situation finally hitting him. Lexa can't help her own shaky and watery voice as she continues. "I'll always always be with you and your mom. I'll be right here," she points to his chest where his heart sits,"whenever you need me while i'm gone. I'd go to hell and back for you guys, alright. I'm going to try my hardest to come back to you physically but you must know that i'm always with you. I have something for you that I want to give you." Lexa stands and walks over to the dresser, Clarke is standing between their bathroom and bedroom doorway, watching the scene unfold. She reaches in and grabs her old childhood baseball cap her father had given her when she was nine. Aden lights up a little at the sight, having seen Lexa wear it more times than he can count. She bends back down to his level and hands him the old worn cap.

"Pop-Pop gave me that when I was your age, I was going to give it to you on your birthday but I figure now would be a better time. Can you take care of it for me?" Lexa asks, Aden's tears are falling down his cheeks and he wordlessly nods. Lexa has a few stray tears go down her face at the sight of her son. "Alright, c'mere and give me a hug." Aden sniffs and walks into Lexa's arms, Lexa wraps him up and feels him crying a little bit harder. She squeezes him and then hears the knocking on the front door. She looks over to the alarm clock and sees it's about 8:05 already. She breaks from Aden's embrace and stands up straight. Aden wipes his eyes and follows Lexa as she grabs her green duffle bag. Clarke steps out into the bedroom fully, not trying to mask the tears from Aden now. The three wordlessly make their way downstairs. Gustus and Anya are standing on the porch and each of their faces fall when they see the state that the family is in. Lexa opens the door and Gustus grabs her duffle bag for her. Lexa turns back around to find Aden clinging to Clarke's leg and crying and Clarke crying rubbing her hand down his back.

Lexa also starts crying hard for the first time. She steps forward and picks up Aden into her arms then envelopes both him and Clarke. She kisses Clarke's face and Aden's cheeks over and over again. They cry together for a few minutes until Lexa slowly untangles herself from them. She hands Aden to Clarke's arms and he wraps his legs around Clarke's waist and buries his face into her neck, hiccuping sobs. Lexa pets the back of his head then moves forward to capture Clarke's lips one last time. Clarke's tears rush down her face even more and they hold one another's lips for a long moment. Lexa finally pulls back and brings a hand up to wipe at Clarke's tears, but it's futile. More tears just replace the ones that were wiped away.

"See you later, alligator." Lexa says in between breaths of her own sobs. Clarke lets out a sob and bitter chuckle at the same time.

"After awhile, crocodile. I love you." Clarke says in between her own hiccuping sobs.

"I love you too." Lexa's voice cracks out. She then turns wiping her eyes as much as possible. She briefly looks to the porch where Anya and her father have their bodies turned away from the scene. Hearing Lexa's footsteps they both turn, themselves having clearly been crying and Lexa gives them a signal that it was time to go. They wordlessly nod and start heading towards the car, Lexa's duffle bag slung over her father's shoulder. Lexa turns back around as Clarke steps out onto the porch, still trying to soothe a sobbing Aden in her arms.

"I'll come back to you. I'll always come back to you. I promise." Lexa says. Clarke nods and continues to cry. Lexa then turns and begins making her way towards the car, she gets into the passenger seat and looks back over at the porch. Aden is now looking at her, his head still resting on Clarke's shoulder. She musters up a smile and gives him a thumbs up. He gives her a thumbs up back but doesn't smile, still obviously crying. Gustus starts up the vehicle and begins backing down the driveway. Lexa doesn't take her eyes off of them until they turn a corner and the house disappears. 

 The drive to the airport is completely silent, every now and then she looks back into the back passenger seat and can tell Anya is trying to hide her own emotions. They finally pull up and Gustus parks the car. They all wordlessly get out and make their way inside. Lexa gives the desk her flight information and they let her know she's been upgraded to first class for the flight from the US to London as a 'courtesy for serving our country'. She gets her ticket and her father and Anya begin walking towards security. She attempts to keep her crying to the minimum as she says goodbye to them. Anya pulls her into a warm hug, crying into Lexa's neck before she pulls away.

"Don't die out there you idiot." Anya says, which makes Lexa let out a watery laugh. Just like Anya to take a serious moment and break the tension. Anya wipes her eyes and steps out of the way for Gustus. Gustus is crying and it reminds her of when her mother had died. Lexa walks up to him and he wraps her up. Lexa relishes in the warm embrace of her father. They stay like that for awhile and then part.

"I'll take care of them for you little one. You just worry about staying alive and coming home, alright?" Gustus says shakily. Lexa nods and sucks her bottom lip in.

"I love you, dad." Lexa says. Gustus gives her a small smile and nods.

"I love you too, Alexandria." Lexa gives both Anya and her father one last wave before heading towards security then going through customs. It doesn't take long for her to board the plane, many other people in uniform also in first class, being just as somber as Lexa. Lexa sits by the window and soon the plane is taxing off. She keeps her eyes on the ground below, thankful for the clear day so she can take one last look at the American soil before she's thrust into absolute chaos.

 

 


	2. War, Terrible War

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Scenes of war are depicted in this chapter as well as a very brutal attack that happens to one of our characters. If blood or violence disturbs you then quit reading at the line "If she hadn't been facing the dying animal and feeling that sense of security of it only being an animal, she would have seen it." and you can resume at this line "The loud noise echoes through the forest and she clicks it into him two more times before the knife falls and his entire weight slumps on top of her." The ending to this chapter is intense as well.

Lexa lays on her stomach in the trench, eyes scanning for the enemy. She has her gun loaded and pointed across the way. It's eerily quiet. She hears a whistle and looks over to her left. Officer Sheffield is giving the platoon quiet signals, pointing over to a nearby trench on the enemy side. Roberts cocks his machine gun and Lexa squints, trying to look for what her commanding officer is seeing in the darkness. It's then a white flare is sent up into the sky, illuminating their positions. A few yards away to Lexa's right, a bomb goes off, sending dirt raining over them. Immediately another bomb to her left, then a few yards in front of her. Bombs are going off everywhere as they keep their heads low, Lexa feels the adrenaline pumping through her veins as the dirt splashes over her. They quit after a few moments.

"Head count!" Another officer over in another trench calls out.

"First squad up!"

"Second squad up!"

"You guys okay?" Officer Sheffield asks. Everyone nods their heads. "Third squad up!" He yells. Just then another white flare shoots up into the sky, illuminating them once more. While everyone is slightly mesmerized by the flare, Lexa looks out in front of them. She sees the movement of Reapers, climbing over barricades and raising their guns.

"Reapers twelve o'clock!" Lexa yells out. Within seconds, everyone is firing their weapons. Lexa shoots her gun, bullets are all over the place, she's not sure whose getting which Reapers as the lights of the bullets reign everywhere. They begin shooting at them too, a mess of bullets flying everywhere. Lexa's gun cartridge is empty within a few seconds.

"Reload!" Lexa yells out. She roots around for more ammunition just as Reapers begin running towards her. "Cover!" Lexa yells, just then Artigas guns them down, the Reapers dropping like flies. She quickly reloads her gun and begins firing off again. Then Roberts yells out 'reload' as more Reapers come charging forwards. Lexa sits up slightly and sprays bullets at them, they drop down, lifeless. Not long, Roberts is reloaded and the machine gun begins going off once more. It seems like an endless amount of Reaper soldiers are coming out of the woods. Lexa continues to fire until once more she's out. She reloads and after a few shots, her gun jams.

"I got a jam!" She yells out. Mitchell rolls over towards Lexa and covers her while she attempts to get her gun unjammed. She reaches into it and grabs the stuck bullet, after a few tugs it flies out. She sits back up and begins firing once more. They continue firing as well as throwing grenades at the enemy. Bombs and guns are the only thing ringing into Lexa's ears. She's broken out of her shooting trance when her and Roberts are being yelled at.

"Move to south trench, they're running low on ammunition!" Sheffield orders. Lexa grabs the magazines of bullets as Roberts grabs his machine gun. They both quickly get up and move into the forest. Bombs and bullets fly past them as they make their way to the south trench. Roberts is in front of her but stops abruptly. Lexa looks and right in front of him is a Reaper soldier. Roberts drops his machine gun and hits the Reaper in the face. Lexa raises her gun to shoot him until another Reaper jumps out from the bushes, Lexa fires at him but misses because he's moving too fast. He comes charging towards her and Lexa takes the butt of her gun and hits him in the face, he falls over. Lexa moves on top of him and grabs her knife and begins lifting it up to stab him. Before she's able to, the Reaper is awaken and tossing Lexa like a rag doll off of him. He then straddles her and begins fighting Lexa, hitting her a couple times in the face, Lexa is able to get her hands around his neck and flip their positions. She punches him several times until he catches her wrist and forcibly flips her over onto her back, knocking the wind out of her. His hands wrap around her neck and he begins squeezing. He doesn't squeeze for long when Roberts uses his handgun and shoots the Reaper on the back of his neck, blood spraying all over Lexa's face. She wipes her eyes so she can see and throws the Reaper soldier off of her.

"Let's go!" Roberts yells. Lexa immediately stands and grabs her gun, ammunition and her metal helmet that had fallen off her head during the struggle. They make their way to the south trench and begin setting up their positions quickly. Lexa keeps Roberts covered as she shoots more Reapers. Roberts is quickly set up and begins firing his machine gun. They continue firing but the Reapers keep coming, it seems endless. Lexa partly wonders if their entire army is coming at them right at this moment. She then hears Roberts let out a frustrated growl and begins firing non-stop rounds. He sprays the bullets and takes down line after line of Reapers, everyone looking on wide eyed. It then falls silent, except for the bombs going off in the far distance at another battle. Then one of the American soldiers runs out into the middle of the field and Lexa watches as he dodges the spray of bullets from the Reapers hidden in the trees. He goes back to the trenches and the firing and grenade bombing start up again, now knowing where the last of the Reapers are. Lexa fires into the bushes and soon the firing ends and it's quiet once more. The current fight on their side is over.

"Stay alert! It's not dawn yet!" The officer occupying the south trench yells out.

Lexa rolls over onto her back and stares at the clear night sky, breathing heavily covered in dirt, sweat, and blood that is not her own. She then reaches into her shirt to grab her necklace that has her wedding ring attached and places a kiss to it.

//

Clarke stands in the mirror and looks at her now protruding belly. She has about six weeks left and then her daughter will be born. She feels a slight kick and smiles, patting the spot where the kick had taken place. She moves over to her closet and picks out a nice maternity shirt and leggings, having just come home from her shift at the hospital. She dresses and makes her way downstairs. Aden is laying on his stomach on the floor in the living room, the TV on playing the news of the war effort. He's humming quietly to himself and writing. Clarke sits down on the couch and watches him, a smile on her lips.

"What are you doing there, bud?" Clarke asks. He turns around and gives Clarke a grin.

"Writing Mama a new letter. She told me in the last one that she likes when I write really long ones, so that's what i'm doing." He then turns back to his writing and resumes humming the tune he had been humming moments ago. Clarke smiles and feels the warmth spread through her chest. She wishes they were able to Skype Lexa like the soldiers were able to during the Iraq war; for some reason it's next to impossible to get any kind of signal and they don't want the soldiers to be 'distracted from the objective at hand'. So things have been old school, writing letters, sending hard copied photos. Clarke has to admit, she feels comfort in seeing Lexa's writing, knowing when she paused to think of something by the smudge of ink. She likes seeing the fingerprint smudges from her dirty hands. It all feels more personal and close to the next to the best thing, which would be her being home. 

She's broken from her thoughts when the front door opens. In bounds her father, carrying a grocery bag underneath his arm. He shrugs off his jacket and hangs it up on the coat rack. He makes his way further into the home, stopping by where Clarke is sitting and dropping the mail into her lap.

"I got your favorites. I think I saw a couple of Lexa letters in there." Jake says, Aden perks up and Jake winks at him. Clarke goes through the mail as Jake makes his way into the kitchen to put groceries away. Sure enough, two letters addressed to both Clarke and Aden are there. Aden jumps onto the couch and sits next to Clarke. Clarke hands him his letter and waits for him to open it up and read it out loud. It has become a routine for him to read his letters out loud to Clarke. Clarke use to read hers out loud until an incident in which Lexa had decided to write a rather...intimate letter and it caught her off guard. According to Lexa's next letter, Clarke telling her that story made her laugh so hard she was ordered to do 100 push-ups for being so loud. Aden opens the letter and carefully brings it out and unfolds it. He clears his throat, like he's about to announce something super dramatic. Clarke chuckles and lightly pushes his shoulder, he grins at her and then returns his attention back to the letter.

"Little man. I'm so happy to hear that your Christmas play did so well. I can't wait to watch your performance when I get home. Things are fine over here, although I will admit it's a lot colder than it is back home. By the time this letter reaches you it will have been past Christmas so to that I say Merry Christmas! I hope Santa brought you everything you wanted." Aden looks up and smiles at Clarke. Clarke smiles back and ruffles his hair as he continues, "Tell me if you got a White Christmas this year. I definitely did. The snow is very beautiful and-" Aden pauses and points at the word, Clarke looks at it and answers the silent question.

"Pristine."

"-pristine. I hope you're keeping up with your football passes and catches. Make sure you ask Pop-Pop or Uncle Lincoln to help you if you're having trouble. I can't wait to watch you play, especially after hearing how well you did for your first season. Your new sister should be arriving soon, I hope you kept your word and are helping Mommy out as much as you can. Anyways, I guess it's time I wrap up this letter, i'm running low on paper and I still need to write to Mommy. I love you, little man. I can't wait to be back home with you and i'm thinking about you everyday. Love Mama. P.S. let's meet in our dreams again tonight, how about Spain?" Aden laughs at the last line, a running joke between the two of them when both Aden and Lexa mentioned they had a dream where they were in France eating French fries. Lexa deemed it that they were meeting up in their dreams and catching up. Aden folds the letter and puts it safely back into the envelope. He then wraps his arms around Clarke and her big stomach.

"I'm gonna go put this in my stack." He says, he's then off and running upstairs to put the letter in his large stack of letters. Clarke sighs and leans back into the couch cushions and begins opening her letter. Jake comes back in and settles into the recliner, changing the channel to a college football game. She opens up the letter and smiles at the cursive handwriting that is just so Lexa. She begins reading and feels her heart light on fire with love.

_Dearest Clarke,_

_Your last letter turned my entire day around, so I must thank you for that. There are lots of things I should thank you for, honestly. Thank you for being my only friend when we were younger and I sucked at talking to people. Thank you for bringing me out of my shell a little more. Thank you for choosing me to be the one who holds your heart in her hands. Just like on our wedding day, I promise once more that I won't let it ever slip out of them. I hope things are going well with our daughter, I suspect she will be on her way to being born pretty soon. I have a feeling she won't make it to the due date. At least one of our children needs to have my promptness/arriving early-ness (that's not a word)! Anyways, I do have really great news! I will be getting my two week leave here very shortly. 8 weeks to be exact. So I guess maybe i'd like it if our daughter was late just this once so I could possibly be there for her birth. I'm sure you'd disagree, not wanting to extend it two more weeks than you have to. Alright, i'm beginning to run out of room so i'm going to wrap this up. I love you, more than you'll ever know. I'll see you soon._

_Love always,_

_Lexa_

Clarke's smile feels like it might split off her face. 8 weeks. She'll be back in Clarke's arms in 8 weeks. She'll get to kiss her and hug whenever she wants to in 8 weeks. She lets out her own excited squeal then feels her cheeks heat up as her father turns to her with a cocked eyebrow.

"She didn't send you another dirty letter did she?" Jake asks. Clarke scoffs and feels herself getting redder.

"No! But she is coming back here for leave in 8 weeks!" Clarke exclaims, not being able to keep her excitement at bay. Jake smiles a big goofy grin, before he can say anything more Aden comes bounding back in and tackling him into a hug. Jake laughs heartily at Aden's excitement and Clarke just keeps her mouth splitting smile, thrilled that she'll be able to give Aden good news.

"Hey Papa! Are you staying for dinner?" Aden asks as Jake stands and throws the boy over his broad shoulders. Jake has been spending a lot more time at Clarke and Lexa's home. Clarke suspects that something is going on between her parents but has decided against bringing it up. They'd tell her in their own time. She hopes that it's not too serious, maybe just them having a disagreement. For as long as she can remember, her parents have been absolutely in love. She's modeled her own marriage off of them. If they're not fine in the end, it'll throw her already slightly off-kilter world a little bit more off.

"Actually probably not tonight. There's a board meeting I need to attend about the civilian rationing that's taking into effect next week." That's another thing that's changed. In her father's free time, he's joined the Local Board in town. She knows for a fact that started a heated argument with her father and mother. Her father has been wanting to be as actively involved in the war effort as possible, while her mother doesn't want anything to do with it. Clarke is somewhere in the middle with it. Part of her is happy that he's so interested in it all due to Lexa being overseas, the other part kind of hates the board since they were the ones that sent her over there in the first place. It's a double edged sword.

"So that's starting for sure? Like ration cards and everything?" Clarke asks from her seat. Jake finally sets a squirming Aden down and nods. 

"The bill was just passed and signed. Don't worry, it's a good thing. If we're rationing over here, we can send more supplies overseas and it'll help Lexa and everyone else immensely." Jake grins. Clarke nods, taking in the new information. Jake takes his seat back in the recliner and resumes watching the college football game. Aden goes back to his spot on the floor and picks up his pencil and begins writing again. She feels her daughter kick her a little and moves her hand to the spot, rubbing it to soothe her. 

After the game, Jake departs and Clarke gets ready to start dinner. Aden moves into the kitchen to help her, a thing they've been doing since Lexa had left. Aden helps getting the ingredients for lasagna out of the fridge as Clarke goes over to the radio. Ironically, a cover of The Beatles' song 'It Won't Be Long' begins playing and Clarke can't help but grin and begin singing. Aden perks up and joins in. The two begin singing quietly as they prepare the meal together and it's moments like these that she wishes Lexa would be here for. It's lighthearted and goofy and it fills her heart with so much love that she thinks it may burst. 

Soon they are finished and set the table to eat. Aden digs in and Clarke watches him. She chuckles as he gets the pasta sauce all over his face and doesn't even bother with trying to wipe it off. He looks up and gives her a goofy face. Filled with crossed-eyes and his tongue sticking out. Clarke laughs and shakes her head and decides she wants to keep his good mood up.

"I have really really good news bud." Clarke says. He looks at her and raises his eyebrows for her to continue. Clarke grins. "Mama is coming home soon for a break. In about two months." Clarke watches as his eyes widen and his smile grows. He then furrows his brow.

"Just a break? She's gotta go back?" Aden asks. Clarke nods and bites her lip.

"It's just a break that they like to give soldiers. It'll be about two weeks. But hey, it's way better than nothing right?" Clarke tries. His frown smooths out and he nods. "She's still got work to do. Keeping us safe." Clarke gives him a small smile. He nods his head and smiles back and they continue eating. Soon they are finished and she makes him wash the dishes. He pulls a chair to the sink so he can stand on it and be able to be level with the sink. Clarke decides to take a picture of it to send in her letter back to Lexa. She grabs the old polaroid camera she had purchased not long after Lexa had left and aims it towards Aden. She tells him to turn around and he does, soap suds all over his shirt and up to his elbows. He grins and Clarke snaps the photo and watches as the film comes out of the slate. She shakes it until the photo becomes clearer. It's a great shot and Clarke is certain Lexa will appreciate it. After Aden is finished, he does his homework and they settle into watching some television program. Aden snuggles up to Clarke and when she feels a kick to her stomach she grabs Aden's hand to let him feel. He beams and then begins talking to her stomach, letting his little sister know that he's 'so excited to meet her'. Soon it's his bed time and the two continue their routine of Clarke and him reading in his bed. He falls asleep, clutching the raccoon Lexa had won him at the fair all those months ago. 

She goes into their bedroom and strips down. She grabs one of Lexa's large sleep shirts that she has kind of claimed as her own. She reaches over to the nightstand and grabs a pen and a notebook of paper. She begins filling the page with her words to her wife. She tells her about mundane things then launches into how she is feeling. How much she loves and misses her. How crazy excited she is to be seeing her again in two months. She finishes up the letter and sets it aside, making a mental note that she needs to buy more stamps. She flips off the bedside lamp and grabs the pillow Lexa uses and curls into it. The smell of her is gone but the comfort it brings to Clarke is enough. She falls asleep not long afterwards, dreaming of long brunette tresses and deep green eyes that hold her heart.

//

"Our mission is this." Commanding Officer Sheffield begins. He points on a map in front of the platoon. The map shows the entire nation of Weather. He points to a small mountainous area, quite a ways away from home base where they currently were. "Indra is sending us in to gather intel on the terrain and how many Reaper bases that are set up there. I suspect we'll be invading that area probably in several months. Like I said, it's intel. We're going to be the only team out there and there is a chance that we could be swarmed by Reapers or the rebels of Azgeda, so we need to try and keep a low profile. We'll be dropped into North Ridge here-" He points to where Lexa knows is extremely heavily wooded, "We got two days to gather what we need, then we must make the 7 day trek to Blue Cross Ridge here-" He points on a map to a very far away ridge. "We'll be picked up by a helicopter there and taken back here where we will wait for further instructions on our next battle front. Griffin-Woods, what can you tell me about the terrain?"

All eyes go to Lexa and she clears her throat and stiffens. "Well sir, where we're being dropped is heavily wooded. It may be hard to see our enemy so we need to stay alert. There's a river that runs all the way from the North Ridge to the Eastern Corridor. It's pretty vast, almost like the Columbia in the Pacific Northwest back home. It'll be cold there, a little snowy. That's all I know thus far, sir." Lexa finishes. He nods his head.

"Thank you private. Are you certain that you will be able to help navigate us to Blue Cross Ridge in time? Not to put pressure but it'll have to be timely, the helicopter will leave us if we are not there in the nine days it'll take to get there. We'll be deep in enemy territory and there's no, pardon my french, fucking way we'll survive out there for longer than that." He looks at Lexa pointedly. Lexa swallows, feeling the pressure of her platoons lives on her shoulders.

"Yes sir. I'm certain I will be able to help navigate us in a timely manner." Lexa replies confidently. He nods and looks around at the rest of the group. He clicks his tongue then goes to look over the map one last time.

"Alright, get some shut eye. We'll be parachuting in at 0500 hours. Dismissed!" He calls out. Everyone turns on their heels and exits the tent. Lexa takes a deep breath and begins headed to where her tent and cot is set up. She passes by a few of her soldier friends playing poker and smoking cigarettes.

"He Lex! You wanna join?" Private Bauer asks. Lexa smiles at him and shakes her head.

"Sorry boys, I'm feeling generous. Don't want to clean you guys out again." Lexa winks. They all groan, remembering a few weeks ago when Lexa had completely destroyed everyone in the game. It's funny. She's become great friends with every other platoon but her own. She's friendly with Mitchell and Artigas and has formed a mutual respect with Roberts after saving each other's lives more times than they can count in battle. Whenever they're in the trenches they are usually paired up, so naturally they've formed a weird bond. It's something she never thought would happen upon their first meeting. But overall, their platoon is one of the only ones that isn't close with one another. They don't hang out or shoot the shit. It's all business. But it's worked thus far, so I guess she can't really complain.

She makes it to her shared tent with Mitchell. He's already laying on his cot, smoking a cigarette and adjusting his black framed glasses. Lexa enters and just gives him a nod in acknowledgement. He nods back and continues staring up at the roof of the tent. Lexa takes off her Army jacket and tosses it to the end of her cot. She's left in her green pants and a white t-shirt. She starts stretching her muscles, feeling the good burn while she does so. They haven't gone into battle in two days, although the bombs in the distance are never far off from her mind, she feels a false sense of security. The battles have begun getting more and more ruthless. Before, it was all guns and bombs from each side but recently, they've been adding arrows and spears. It's been catching platoons off guard during the battles. 

She's watched a lot of people die. She'll be talking to someone about their respective children, then two hours later they're laying on the ground with their eyes open, dead. She's learning to block it out. She reminds herself that this is war. This is what happens; people die. But it doesn't mean it's any less painful. You just have to compartmentalize that pain until the objective is over. You'll mourn them when you are home. Lexa sits down on her cot and goes through her pack. She finds the photo Abby had taken of herself, Clarke, and Aden when she had arrived home from Basic Training. She studies the photo and recalls the day. She smiles, thinking of how she'll be able to see them shortly with a new addition added. She wonders if Clarke has already given birth. She wonders if it had been a long labor like it had been with Aden. She knows Abby and her father were asked to be in the delivery room, she hopes they took care of her. Aden had expressed his excitement for having a sibling to play with in his last letter, she hopes he's having a blast. Clarke and Lexa had both been an only child growing up. She thinks of the future and how it'll be to raise two kids. 

After awhile, she tucks the photo inside the liner of her metal helmet. She then lays back on her cot as Mitchell turns off their lantern. She puts one arm underneath her head and the other plays with her wedding ring around her neck. She rolls the fine piece of jewelry between her thumb and index finger and stares up at the tent ceiling, waiting for sleep to take her.

They are awoken with a start. Sheffield comes in and yells at them to get up. Quickly, Lexa and Mitchell dress into their combat uniforms and gather their packs. Lexa stuffs a few letters from Clarke and Aden inside to read at night during their mission. They walk out of the tent, it's still dark outside and the entire sky is illuminated with stars. It's absolutely beautiful and sometimes, Lexa gets lost in it. She's brought back to reality when she hears the distant booms going off in the distance. They hurry towards the command central tent. Everyone is awake and waiting for Sheffield's next orders. He begins handing everyone their canteens and a MRE to store away. He then directs them over to a small plane, where they'll be parachuting out of. Lexa's only parachuted once, during Basic. She hopes she didn't forget her training.

They go over to the plane and are issued their parachutes. Lexa straps herself in and mentally checks off every compartment that she had learned in Basic. She's 99% sure she was able to name off everything and what they did. They are then marched over to the plane and instructed to get in. The plane is small but not too small. There are no seats and it's completely made of metal. They're asked to clip onto the sides inside the plane. Lexa reaches from her waist and clips a felt strap onto a tiny cylinder bar above her head. Artigas clips his right next to her. When they're strapped in, Sheffield gets in and straps himself in from across Lexa. He then yells at the young pilot to take off. The plane roars to life and before Lexa knows it, they're in the sky. The bay doors are open and everyone can see the vast forests below them. The flashes of white and distant bombs can be seen and heard, even without the roaring of the plane. After about an hour and a half ride, there's no more flashes of white and bombs can't be heard. It's silence expect the plane. Lexa looks over and can tell Artigas's hands are trembling. She puts one of her hands on his and gives him an easy smile. He gives her a nervous smile back and Lexa removes her hand. She can feel her heart pumping in her ears. There's a good chance she could fuck up parachuting out of the plane. Looking at everyone, except their commanding officer, they're thinking the same thing about themselves. 

Finally, after traveling Lexa guesses about 1500 miles, Sheffield instructs that they are close to the drop point. Dawn has begun breaking over the horizon and the air has considerably dropped in Fahrenheit as they get further North. Soon Sheffield stands and begins yelling for everyone to begin jumping. Echo unclips herself first and is out the door, next is Quint, then Artigas. Lexa swallows and keeps repeating in her mind 'please don't fuck up' as she approaches the opened side door of the plane. She unclips herself and moves forward, she decides to just do it and launches herself out the doors. She can see her other fellow soldiers already with their parachutes open, guiding themselves to a little clearing. Lexa's heart is pounding as she reaches for the cord to pull on. She pulls and she feels herself be jerked up as the parachute is released. She looks up, to make sure it's not tangled. Everything is perfect. She grabs the straps to begin using the air to navigate herself to the clearing. She skims over trees, keeping her legs up as to not break them and soon, the clearing comes into view and she lands safely with a soft thump. Echo, Quint, and Artigas are cutting the parachutes off as Lexa stands. Not long after, Mitchell, Roberts and Sheffield land nearby them.

After everyone is cut loose from their parachutes, they gather them up and begin throwing dirt and snow over them. A tactic so if there are Reapers in the area, they don't know a platoon was dropped in enemy territory. Sheffield silently signals for them to track around the area to make sure there are no Reapers, or Azgeda rebels especially. Azgeda is a rebel group that is just as oppressive as the Reapers but a lot more savage like. They have a bounty on American soldier bodies so they are definitely not allies. Lexa tracks around the area, her gun raised and on high alert for any unusual movement. She doesn't find anything but forest and the animals that come with it. She heads back to the clearing just as everyone else is returning from their different directions. Everyone nods at Sheffield and he begins pulling out his map and gestures for Lexa to come over to him.

"Can you show me the best trail to take to get to this point here?" He points to a spot near the river. Lexa studies the map and then looks around the area. She then know exactly where they are and she looks back at the map. She grabs her compass and shows Sheffield on the map where to go. Satisfied, he nods and begins to order everyone to line up and begin walking. Mitchell takes purchase at the rear, making sure they're alone in their trek. They walk quietly, surveying their surroundings. Lexa keeps a firm grip on her rifle and keeps her eyes peeled as much as possible. She's in-between Roberts and Quint in the line, Quint huffing in dissatisfaction about one thing or another every now and then. Lexa has to try and not roll her eyes at the grown man's behavior on the regular, even when they are being shot at.

They continue walking as the sun begins to sit high in the sky. It doesn't help the slight chill of the wind though, the biting breeze hitting Lexa's cheeks as they continue walking. After about over half the day, they finally make it to the spot by the river. Everyone is sweating, even with the biting chill. The trek had been hard, going through untouched forests and up steep hills. Lexa leans on a boulder as everyone spreads out, trying to catch their bearings. Sheffield takes a moment to drink from his canteen before he's coming up to Lexa. He whips out the map once more as Lexa drinks from her own canteen.

"So we're here now, we need to get to this spot here. That's where they want us to survey. I was told that there's a couple of Reaper bases thirty miles from that spot. It looks like we need to cross the river. Can you look for an easier spot to cross, Private?" Sheffield asks. Lexa nods and takes the map from him. She lays it out and begins studying the area, looking for a divot where the river is shallow and not far to cross. She's so focused on the map that she doesn't see the movement in the trees. 

Lexa keeps her eyes on the map and the second she spots the divot, bullets begin spraying in every direction. Lexa and Sheffield drop to the ground as well as everyone else. 

"Reapers!" Mitchell calls out from his spot on the ground. Lexa maneuvers herself with Sheffield to take cover using the boulder. Lexa brings her gun up and begins shooting along with Sheffield. Everyone else is scrambling to find cover as the bullets continue to wiz past everyone. Lexa shoots one Reaper hiding in the trees, he falls and hits the ground with a large thud. More bullets are coming out of the forest somewhere. Lexa scans, trying to figure out where they are coming from in the thick brush. She shoots into the general direction and soon more bullets are flying out of different spots, indicating more enemy soldiers have arrived. Lexa feels her heart speed up. But one thing they haven't done, is aim correctly. They've been aiming above their heads or beside them.

Everyone is shooting in her platoon and soon it's clear what the enemy is doing. They're trying to get them to waste all their ammunition. Just as Lexa gets the idea, Sheffield also must realize that's the tactic they're doing.

"Hold your fire! We're retreating! We're retreating! Retreating 7 o'clock!" He yells. Everyone on the other side of Lexa and Sheffield turns towards them and begin sprinting, dodging the bullets. Soon everyone is behind the boulder. "We're going down the river! Run as fast as you can and don't stop until I say. Ready?-" He pauses and waits for the firing on the other side to quit. Lexa feels nothing but adrenaline pumping through her veins. After a few rounds are fired, it's silent. "Now!" With that, everyone takes off in a sprint. Lexa's confident she's never run so hard in her life. She hears the gunfire resume and feels the air of a couple bullets breeze right past her, inches from entering her body. Her veins are coursing with a vibration she has never felt in her life as she runs. She turns back briefly enough to watch as a bullet just grazes Mitchell on the arm. He seems to also be in the same state as Lexa because he just barely winces at the barely there contact. It's then she feels and hears the distinct contact of a bullet hitting her metal helmet, right by her temple. She doesn't have time to thank her lucky stars that it didn't bust through as she just continues running.

She's not sure how long they sprint until there's no more gunfire, but Lexa can guess it was quite awhile as the sun has begun to set already. Sheffield orders them to stop sprinting and to track the area in the forest. Everyone enters and stays on high alert, looking for any sign of Reapers. When it's clear they are not occupying this part of the forest, Sheffield makes them climb up a hill so they can have a better vantage point. After climbing a ways and settling, Sheffield attempts to contact home base to let them know we fell under attack, when he looks at the call box though, it's completely riddled with bullets and useless. He then grabs the map and calls Lexa over.

"How far did we venture off course?" He asks, breathless. Lexa pants and grabs the map, studying it then looking at the area. Lexa feels her stomach drop when she realize how much further away from Blue Cross Ridge they are. They'll be cutting it super close in getting to the helicopter.

"We're pretty far sir. I would say roughly 40 miles. It's not impossible to make it to Blue Cross in 9 days if we don't go through with surveying that other area. It'll be cutting it close if we go through with the mission. Basically we could make it if we skip the objective of this mission sir." Lexa explains. The commanding officer lets out a growl of frustration and begins rubbing his forehead. Lexa looks around at everyone, everyone looks exhausted and worried. Sheffield begins pacing, clearly trying to come up with a plan. After a few minutes he stops and faces the group.

"Alright. We camp here for tonight, we'll keep watch in pairs. The first two people up, I want one quite a few yards south and the other a few yards east. We'll rotate after two hours. At 0400 hours, we'll make the trek back up. We're forgoing the mission and just heading straight to Blue Cross. If we make it there early, that's alright. I'll explain the situation to Commanding Officer Indra back at home base. Someone help Mitchell patch up his graze wound, other than that, let's get some rest. Echo and Quint, you guys are up first." With that they are dismissed. Lexa heads over to Mitchell to help patch his graze wound. He takes off his jacket and Lexa studies it. It's not too bad, putting rubbing alcohol on it and bandaging it will keep it clean.

"How you doing there Mitch?" Lexa asks as she grabs the rubbing alcohol. He grimaces slightly but otherwise is alright.

"It's alright. I'm just happy I didn't drop my glasses while running. That would have been a total disaster." Mitchell replies. Lexa chuckles a little and nods.

"It'd have been a total Velma move." Lexa jokes. Mitchell laughs as Lexa finishes up his bandaging. She pats his arm and then gets up. She goes over to Artigas and sits next to the young soldier. He has his back on a tree and is looking a little pale.

"You alright?" Lexa asks. He visibly swallows then nods.

"It's just...a lot." He replies. Lexa nods in understanding. The two sit in silence for a moment, watching as Sheffield, Roberts, and Mitchell set up their spots for the evening. Lexa then turns to him and gives him a smile.

"We have leave pretty soon, just think about that. That's what I do. I think about what i'm going to do when I see my wife again. What i'm going to do when I see my son. What songs i'm going to sing to my newborn daughter. Just think about that, kid. Home." Lexa says. He nods his head and smiles. Lexa pats his leg then gets up to go make her makeshift bed on the floor for the night until she is asked to keep watch.

She falls asleep surprisingly easy and before she knows it, Roberts is shaking her awake and letting her know they are up. He decides to take the south while Lexa takes the east. She finds the worn spot that everyone else had taken, it's yards away. She can't even see the makeshift camp anymore and it's incredibly quiet. The sounds of the forest are the only things making noise. She hears birds, beetles, crickets and other insects. She sits with her back onto a tree. Lexa scans her eyes over and over again, keeping alert as best as possible. It's still relatively dark, but the light of a full moon helps illuminate the forest floor. She sits for about half an hour when she sees something. To her left, pretty far away she sees the outline of a large shadow. She stares at the shadow, willing it to move. It doesn't move for a few minutes. Lexa keeps fixating on it until it finally steps. Lexa sits up and goes over her options. It could be an animal or a Reaper. If she's wrong and it's just an animal and she shoots, she'll be giving away their position and endangering her platoons lives. She decides she'll sneak up on it. If it's an animal, no harm no foul. If it's a Reaper, she'll have the upper hand by element of surprise.

Lexa stands slowly, never taking her eyes off the shadow in the distance. She slings her rifle behind her back and retrieves her knife. She slowly and quietly makes her way towards the shadow. She glances quickly towards her boots, making sure she doesn't step on a stray twig and alert the potential predator. Her heart is pounding as all the sounds of the forest fall away the closer she gets. She only hears the beating of her heart and her quiet breathing. She gets closer and closer and can tell it's concealed by a bush. Lexa crouches and begins to make her way behind the bush. She stops when she realizes she's directly behind it, the only thing that separates them is a thick bush. Lexa hears some shuffling and holds her breath. She mentally counts to 5 in her head. When she gets to 5 it's when she springs into action. She jumps up and launches forwards, colliding herself with the body. She instantaneously brings her knife up and begins stabbing into the body repeatedly. She hears the groaning and is soon aware of what she has stabbed. It's a deer. She feels the fur underneath her fingertips and hears the hot slowing breaths of the animal, slowly dying. Lexa stands up and watches as the animal begins to bleed out and close its eyes. She clenches her jaw and begins wiping her knife on her pants to sheath it back in it's holder on her pants. If she hadn't been facing the dying animal and feeling that sense of security of it only being an animal, she would have seen it.

Before she has time to react, something large charges right towards her and tackles her, sending her body flying into a nearby tree. She feels her back collide with the tree and the breath in her lungs leave her. Before she even has time to register what the hell just happened, a large body, human body, is on top of her punching her in the face. She feels the sensation of fist hitting bone all over. She begins trying to kick the large body off of her. She gets the person right in the gut and he climbs off but grabs her body like it weighs nothing. The Reaper soldier, she realizes, throws her a few feet, making her ribs land right onto a jagged rock. She yelps out at the sensation of cracked ribs and soon the man has a knife drawn. Lexa is still faced down on the rock, trying to get a breath as she feels the sensation of a knife being stabbed into her back several times. He doesn't go deep enough to kill her right away. Lexa calls out from the piercing sensation riddling her body. She musters all her strength to flip herself over and get the upper hand. She flips and kicks the soldier in the knee, cracking it. He yelps but it only spurs his ferociousness on. He grabs her ankle when she tries for another kick and twists. Lexa feels it instantly when the bone in her ankle breaks through the skin. She cries out and the Reaper man is back on top of her body. He pulls his knife back up and as Lexa moves her hands up to try and stop his movements. As he brings the knife down, Lexa hits his wrist but it moves his trajectory right on her trachea. He stabs it and the blood instantly beings pooling. Lexa's instincts make her hands fly to the new gaping hole in her windpipe. He brings the knife back up and Lexa moves her free hand up, pushing his face up towards the sky and digging her nails into his face. She feels the blood running down her hand as he yells out. He drops the hand holding the knife and hits Lexa's hand away from him, breaking her wrist. He then punches her in the face. Lexa moves her thigh up to get him in the gut. She hits him square but it barely does anything. He's much too big for Lexa to really feel anything.

He then brings his knife back up and stabs her in the thigh she had just tried to knee him with. Lexa can feel herself losing consciousness from all the blood loss. She holds on though, determined to fight until it goes dark. He brings the large knife back up and begins trying to bring it down right on Lexa's heart. Lexa brings both her sliced up hand and broken wrist up to hold him off. He gets a few inches down then Lexa pushes his hands up a few inches. He moves a few inches, she pushes a few inches. Soon Lexa is losing her strength and grip and he;s gaining more inches until Lexa feels the tip of the knife touching her body.

"Em pleni. Shhhh. Em pleni. Sh. Sh. Sh." The Reaper man whispers as the knife begins sinking in. Lexa continues trying to force it back up but it's becoming harder and harder, her wrists and hands screaming out in pain. It continues to sink into her skin when she remembers something. Her hand gun. In one swift motion she uses her broken wrist to keep steady on the knife and her cut up hand to grab her hand gun. She feels it and aims it towards his gut and fires. The loud noise echoes through the forest and she clicks it into him two more times before the knife falls and his entire weight slumps on top of her. He has to be at least 300 lbs of pure muscle. She feels him crushing her and she struggles to breath with her torn up back, cracked ribs, and opened trachea, she's struggling. She looks to her side to look at her hand that had the hand gun in it. It's all cut up, her knuckles are bleeding and on a few fingers she can see the bone clear as day. Her pinky is bent sideways. 

Before she knows it, Roberts is standing above her wide eyed and terrified. He then yells over and she hears the unmistakable sound of a horde of boots coming towards her. Roberts and Quint lift the Reaper soldier's limp dead body off of Lexa with gritted teeth. Her entire platoon is instantly on her, save for Quint, trying to asses her injuries.

"Jesus christ." Sheffield says. Lexa grunts in pain, not being able to speak due to her trachea being damaged. Mitchell is on her grabbing bandages and needle and thread. 

"Get bandages now! Before she bleeds out!" Mitchell yells as Echo, Roberts, and Artigas begin putting pressure on her abdomen. Sheffield grabs a bandage and begins putting pressure on her neck. Lexa gurgles and grits her teeth in pain. She looks down and realizes, he had actually been able to stab her in the stomach without her realizing it. 

"Turn her over onto her side, she'll drown in her own blood!" Mitchell calls out. Sheffield keeps pressure on her neck as Echo and Artigas grab underneath her body with one hand each to tip her over onto her side, keeping pressure with their other hands on her abdomen. Echo audibly gasps at the sight on her back.

"Mitch! You need to stitch her back pronto!" Echo calls out. He moves over and begins ripping her Army jacket and shirt to get to the injuries. He begins stitching her and Lexa can feel the needle going into her skin and coming out.

"I know I know. I'm so sorry Lexa." Mitchell says over and over again as Lexa continues to gurgle on her own blood and grunting in pain.

"We need to move. Those gunshots probably alerted every Reaper in a 10 mile radius." Quint says. 

"Shut up Quint! We can't move her until she's stabilized!" Artigas yells. Quint frowns at the young mans outburst. 

"She's bleeding down here too." Roberts ignores the tension between Artigas and Quint to alert Mitchell to the bleeding from the stab wound on her thigh. After awhile of stitching her back and places in her abdomen as best as they can, it was time to try and set her ankle.

"She needs to pass out so we can stitch her windpipe or else she'll surely die." Mitchell says. Everyone nods and begins holding Lexa's body down. "I gotta set your ankle Lexa, just let yourself feel it so you can pass out."

Lexa gritts her teeth and groans as she begins feeling him touch it. Before she knows it she feels excruciating hot flashes of pain shoot through her entire leg, up into her body and then it goes dark.

//

Lexa comes to and feels like her entire body is on fire. Everything is pulsating in pain. She groans and opens her eyes to look around. She's on a stretcher and is covered in blankets. Roberts is carrying her near her head and she looks towards her feet and Artigas is carrying her from there. Both are incredibly sweaty and look exhausted. She looks towards the sun to try and gauge how long she has been out. She gathers it's around the afternoon. Soon they are dropping her.

"I can't go any further, we gotta take a break." Roberts says, exhausted. Lexa watches as he wipes the sweat from his glistening forehead. She hears the rest of them stop and a sigh from Sheffield.

"Alright. We'll stop for an hour. Quint, you and Mitchell are up next to carry her." Sheffield orders. She hears Quint groan in agitation. But she can't see him.

"We're still not far enough away from the Reapers who surely heard those gunshots! We need to keep moving or else all of us are going to look like her." Quint says, angrily. She hears Sheffield let out a breath.

"That's enough! I am your Commanding Officer and i've ordered that we are resting and that you will be next on carrying her!" Sheffield yells. A silence falls over the group, just Lexa's shallow breaths breaking through.

"Yes, sir." Quint finally says, defeated. Once the initial tension has died, Mitchell begins checking over Lexa's injuries. Lexa watches as he grimaces while checking over each one. She can gather why he's grimacing. She's dying. That's the only way to describe the feeling that she's feeling. This feeling of helplessness and pain. She can't move her body, she can't speak or swallow. This must be what dying is. After resting, everyone resumes walking. Mitchell picks up the end Roberts had and Quint takes Artigas's spot. They begin trekking through the forest. All Lexa can do is lie in pain and look up at the sky. She feels them falter in their steps every now and then, the terrain making it extremely difficult to carry a limp body on a stretcher. It's not long before their switching out, Echo and Sheffield taking the other two's spots. Lexa knows they haven't traveled far at all. 

She starts to feel a sense of doom. She's slowing them down. If they keep going the way that they are, they will never make it to Blue Cross Ridge and they'll be stuck here in enemy territory with a dying Lexa. No one is saying it out loud yet, but Lexa can tell with every break they take, that's what they're thinking. Lexa then thinks of Clarke and Aden. She can't die out here. She wants to go home. She needs to go home. She refuses to die out here. But she might not even get the choice to fight.

It's the next day when things shift. Everyone is on edge, having not been able to break ground in reaching Blue Cross Ridge. Barely any sleep due to Lexa grunting in pain and being on high alert for Reaper soldiers. Sheffield is snapping at everyone left and right. Frustrated at the situation his superior officers have thrusted upon him. Artigas and Roberts are carrying her stretcher. They come upon a mountain that they need to climb, if they don't climb it, they will never make it to Blue Cross Ridge in time. They try just walking with her up the mountain slant at first. But the uneven rocks and extra weight continues to throw both men off balance, dropping Lexa twice while trying to stay upright. Lexa groans out in excruciating pain at the feeling of her torn up back hit the ground. They go back down the mountain and Mitchell suggests tying a rope and everyone dragging her up. Mitchell goes to the front to hold the rope as they tie it onto the stretcher. Him and Quint begin pulling as everyone else lifts her and moves her a few feet before having to set her down again. They do this a few more times until Artigas slips and falls and they realize they aren't gaining any ground.

Everyone sits there, panting from exhaustion as Mitchell and Quint walk back down from their position. There's a loud silence that falls over all of them. Finally Sheffield speaks up.

"Roberts, do you think you can carry her?" He asks. She moves her eyes to Roberts and she knows instantly, there's no way the man can carry her. His face is red and he's a sweaty mess. Lexa can feel her heart thumping in her ears. She knows what Sheffield is doing. He's assessing the situation. He's assessing whether they can get her up the mountain and if they can't, then it'll be the end of the road for Lexa and the group.

"I don't think so, sir." Roberts says, panting. Lexa tries swallowing and she clenches her jaw at the pain.

"With all due respect sir, I don't think anyone can carry her." Quint says in a gravelly voice. Lexa shudders, she had never liked him. "If I may speak freely, look at the state she is in sir. She can't walk or talk and there's bound to be many internal injuries that we don't know about. She needs a blood transfusion and a lot of surgery. Not to mention, the infections that have surely begun setting in. She's in pain. That much is clear, keeping her like this, when we know she'll probably pass over soon anyways is inhumane if you ask me. You might as well call us Reapers for putting her through this." He finishes. Lexa closes her eyes, she knows exactly what he's suggesting. She didn't think this was what they would do. She didn't think they would actually consider this. The silence that follows is deafening. She opens her eyes and looks up at Sheffield. He's clenching his jaw and has his eyebrow furrowed in concentration on some point out of Lexa's vision. He then swallows and what he says next, makes Lexa's skin go cold.

"Roberts, put a rag over her eyes." Lexa's eyes widen. She looks over at Roberts who has turned from red to ghostly pale. He doesn't make a move. "That's an order private!" Sheffield yells. Roberts finally goes into his jacket and grabs a rag that is stained with Lexa's blood. He then walks over to Lexa's head. Lexa begins grunting and trying to shake her head. Trying to get across that what Quint is suggesting is not what she wants. She's fighting. She wants to go back to her family. He gives her a sympathetic look that is mixed with terror as he covers her eyes. Everything is dark. She can smell the metallic of her blood on the rag. She hears shuffling and the cock of of a gun. She then feels the cold end of a barrel pressed to her temple.

"Wait wait wait! This is wrong! We can't shoot our own people. She's our guide! She's got us this far, we wouldn't know how far away from Blue Cross Ridge if it wasn't for her. She's got a family for christ sakes! This! What you're about to do would make us like the Reapers. Don't do this. There has to be another way, there's always another way!" It's Artigas's voice that speaks up. She can feel the trembling of the gun on her temple. Lexa thinks of Clarke's smile. Aden, and how he throws his head back laughing. Her father's terrible jokes. Anya's wisdom. Her in-laws. Her mother. She feels on the verge of passing out from the tension. 

Finally, her eyes are uncovered and she's met with Sheffield looking incredibly guilty. He diverts his eyes from Lexa's and looks at the group.

"Two people will say behind. Go around the mountain with her. Continue moving forward at your own pace and let her pass on her own terms. When she passes, she is to be given a proper burial and you must make note of her coordinates." Sheffield says. Lexa closes her eyes, taking in the words.

"I'll stay." Artigas volunteers. Lexa's grateful for the young man. He's spoken up for her and will make sure she goes on her own if she has to. 

"You will be compensated Artigas. I will put you in for a medal or two. When I get picked up by the helicopter, we will give you 2 more extra days tacked on to the 7 to get to Blue Cross Ridge. I'll make sure a plane is there to pick you and the other volunteer up, possibly Lexa, if she makes it that long." Sheffield finishes. Lexa didn't notice the way Quint perked up at the mention of getting a medal.

"I'll stay too. Help the boy with carrying her." Quint speaks up. Lexa sighs, he's the last person she'd want staying with her. Sheffield also eyes him before reluctantly nodding.

"Okay, alright. The rest of us are going to continue. Quint, she goes on her own terms and she gets a proper burial. If I hear otherwise, so help me god." Sheffield says, sternly. Quint nods adamantly. Sheffield then rests his hand on Lexa's shoulder and meets her eyes.

"I'm sorry about before. Please forgive me. May god rest your soul, Griffin-Woods." He says. Lexa nods. She doesn't blame him. The amount of pressure this entire situation has put on him, Lexa couldn't be certain she wouldn't do the same thing if she were in his position. One by one Echo, Mitchell, and Roberts come and rest their hands on her shoulder, giving a light squeeze before making the trek up the mountain. They say their goodbyes to Quint and Artigas and soon, the two men are taking her down the hill.

They walk on the flat ground to make it around the mountain. Lexa keeps her eyes on Quint. She doesn't trust him. She knows he's doing this to gain a medal and recognition. He'll probably play up his role, act like he was the one who found her and had sewn her up. In reality, he kept his distance and kept complaining about the Reapers being able to have heard the shots. He had just been advocating putting a bullet into her head to 'put her out of her misery' now all of a sudden he has a change of heart? No, Michael Quint cares about only his life and his life alone. And now Lexa is stuck with him and a scrawny shy 18 year old while not being able to speak or walk. She's fucked.

 


	3. A Betrayal On A Mountain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is shorter than the first two, but equally as intense. This one will probably be the shortest of all the chapters in the fic. There's not much violence, just the situation is pretty disturbing. Let me know what you think. Next chapter will probably be up sometime tonight.

The trek around the mountain is long and ice cold. It seems this part of the country didn't get the memo that it is now spring time. Lexa's breathing has become more shallow and she knows she must be a lot paler than she had been. Artigas tries to tip water into her mouth and the relief feels good at first, until it gets to her ripped trachea and it spills out from the shotty stitching. Mixed with blood, the water runs down the sides of her neck, making getting water into her virtually useless. Trying to feed her pretty much goes the same way. Quint has been eyeing her a lot more. They've been able to break some ground but Lexa can tell that it's not enough. But she isn't dead yet, and maybe it's petty, but she isn't going to give Quint the satisfaction of watching her die. She makes that clear to him the next evening after the rest of their platoon had departed.

They build a small fire, trying to keep warm while also not drawing attention to themselves. Lexa lays on the stretcher as it's propped up on a slab of rock. Artigas had left Quint and Lexa alone in order to go down to the river and refill their canteens. Lexa stares over at Quint from across the flames. He's sharpening a piece of wood while glaring. She can tell the longer it takes for them to get going, the more frustrated he becomes. He began digging a grave only a few feet away earlier. Lexa feels sharp pain in her abdomen and grunts and whimpers. He looks up at her just as she's wincing in pain. Lexa squirms, trying to find a comfortable position but it's futile. Next thing she knows, Quint is leaving the sharpened piece of wood and walking towards her. He bends down to her level and stares into her eyes. Lexa feels a chill run through her as his icy stone cold stare pierces into her. He then begins to speak.

"You're in pain. You know it and I know it, that you won't survive this trek." He pauses and Lexa grits her teeth. "You're putting us in danger. You are risking our lives for nothing when we know you're going to die anyways. You probably already have several infections already coursing through your blood. You are dying, Griffin-Woods. So stop trying to fight it." 

A moment of silence passes by them as the words sink into Lexa. She glares at him and grunts a little and he continues speaking.

"Our lives are in your hands. Do you really want to be responsible for our deaths? Because that is what will happen." He pauses once more, thinking about something. He then leans in closer to her and begins whispering. "I can help make the pain stop. I can help you. If you're worried about your family thinking you gave up, I can suffocate you. You just passed while sleeping. Blink, if you want me to help you rest. Blink if you want me to end your suffering. It'll be quick I promise."

Lexa narrows her eyes at him. She stares and stares, never blinking at his request. She can see him getting more and more angry as she continues to stare him down. They are then interrupted when Artigas arrives back.

"What are you doing?" He asks. Quint stands up straight and scoffs before making his way back over to where he had been sitting before. Artigas looks over at Lexa and Lexa just stares back at him before he comes over to her. He begins checking over some of her wounds, using the last of the clean bandages to cover up the more critical ones. He then tries once more to get water down Lexa's throat. She gets a little this time but still, most of it runs out from her neck. After awhile it falls quiet over the camp. The fire crackling and Lexa's shallow breathing the only thing making noise.

"You know, everybody before me in my family was in the Army. My great grandfather, my grandpa, my dad and uncles, my brother. Everyone. Every single one of them were in the battles that ended the war of that time. It's like a legacy within our family." Quint says. Artigas looks up and listens to him. "And every single one of em died in those battles. That's my legacy that I have to live up to. That's where i'm suppose to die. Not out here with a teenager and a dying guide. I'm not suppose to die out here." 

Artigas sits in silence. Lexa stares at Quint from across the flames once more. He actually looks defeated and solemn. Maybe it's wrong, but Lexa gets a little satisfaction at watching him in that state. He then sits up a little more and looks over at Artigas. "You take first watch, i'm tired." Artigas nods and Quint slumps over and begins closing his eyes. Lexa turns her head back over to look up at the clear night sky.

She can see the stars glistening through a big hole in the trees. It looks like something Clarke would draw. Clarke always draws her pictures of different things, ever since they were little. When they met in Kindergarten at 5 years old, Clarke drew her an apple tree after Lexa had given her a jolly rancher she had received from the teacher. Lexa didn't like them, but she had answered a question right and the teacher had given it to her. Clarke had been sitting next to her in the circle and Lexa just silently handed the candy to Clarke. An hour later, Clarke laid a very well drawn apple tree for a 5 year old on her desk and gave her a shy smile. Lexa's pretty confident she still has that first drawing somewhere in her dad's house.

But it went like that for years. Clarke would always draw her pictures and Lexa would just silently give Clarke, sometimes candy, but mostly other trinkets. She didn't talk much growing up. It had nothing to do with being shy or anything like that. She just figured if she had something to say, then she'll say it, if she didn't then she just kept silent. She always thought people always talk just to talk and it's better to talk when you have something important to say. Clarke was different though. Whereas when people rambled on about mundane topics, Lexa would secretly despise it. But whenever Clarke would ramble on, Lexa found herself always listening to what she had to say, even if it had nothing to do with anything they were doing. Lexa grew a reputation that she was intimidating with the kids she grew up with. Clarke never found her intimidating though. She always challenged her and brought out the best in her. 

She's not sure when she fell in love with Clarke. She saw her as a friend for the longest time until one day she didn't. She began just noticing little things about her. The way her golden hair shimmers in the sunlight. How you can tell her mood just by looking at what shade of blue her eyes are. Just little things like that until one day, she was seeing Clarke with a fresh pair of eyes. So Lexa decided to be brave one evening by a pond and kissed her, and Clarke kissed back. From then on they were just together, always. She could kill Reapers and go into battles and risk her life a hundred times over. But the bravest thing she ever did was kiss Clarke Griffin one evening by a pond.

Lexa's eyelids begin to grow heavy as she continues looking up at the sky. She falls asleep to the image of Clarke sketching the scene out in front of her. A small smile playing on her lips. Running a hand through her wavy blonde hair. It's a beautiful beautiful sight.

//

Lexa is startled awake at dawn by heavy boots sprinting towards their camp. She looks over and sees Quint having his hand on Artigas's mouth. Artigas looks terrified.

"Reapers. About 20 of them are down by the bank." She hears Quint whisper harshly. Artigas's eyes widen and he goes pale. Lexa feels her heart racing and her hands trembling. There's no way in hell they can fight off that many in the state that they're in.

"Wh-Wh-What do we do?!" Artigas begins panicking. Quint begins gathering up his pack and his gun.

"We need to leave, now." Quint says. Artigas looks at him, still panicked.

"What about Lexa? You think we can carry her out of here?" He asks. Quint instantly begins shaking his head.

"Did you not hear me?! 20 Reapers, and they got some of their savage weapons with them. We can't take her!" Quint says. Artigas looks torn and Lexa feels everything in her becoming numb. No, Artigas has gotten her this far, he won't give up now. She has to believe that.

"But, she's still alive. She's still holding on." Artigas tries once more. Then Quint is launching himself at Artigas and pinning him to the ground. Artigas lets out a yelp in surprise.

"She is as good as dead. Now I don't know about you, but i'm not about to die for a corpse. You either come with me or stay and greet death. Is she really worth your life? Is she really worth you not seeing your family again?" Quint is right in Artigas's face as he tells him. Lexa can see it. There's a change in Artigas's demeanor at Quints words about his family. Lexa tries swallowing, this cannot be happening.

"But...we're suppose to bury her. We gotta give her a proper burial." Artigas gets out. Something must snap in Quint because he flies up off of Artigas and begins coming towards Lexa.

"You want to give her a proper burial. Alright, i'll oblige." Before Lexa knows what's happening, Quint is grabbing her broken ankle and her other ankle and yanking her entire body off of the stretcher. She yelps out in pain as she hits the forest floor. She can feel the stitches in her back ripping and the blood oozing out as Quint forcibly drags her to the shallow grave he had dug the day before. He drags her into the cold dirt and puts her down with a thump. Lexa is trying so hard to yell out, she's gritting her teeth as blood and spit come out of her mouth. Quint moves out of the grave and begins using his hands to throw dirt over her. Lexa is grunting loud, 'son of a bitch' she keeps trying to yell at him. He continues throwing dirt onto her, she feels the pile settling on top of her as some of the particles mix in with the spit and blood from her mouth. Artigas looks on, wide eyed and terrified. Quint stops and begins standing.

"There, now she's buried. Now i'm leaving, and if you don't come with me, i'll shoot you in the fucking head." Quint threatens. Artigas is sweating and Lexa looks up at him with pleading eyes, grunting and squirming in the dirt. Her body is pulsating with the fire of pain. He looks at her solemn and scared, then turns on his heel and walks away from her. Lexa tries calling out louder to stop him. To convince him not to do this. To fight Quint if he has to. But it's useless. Soon, Quint is walking past her once more, not even sparing her a glance with his pack slung over his shoulder and gun placed firmly in his hands. He passes her and then Artigas is right behind him. He glances briefly at a squirming and pleading Lexa but then turns straight ahead and passes her as well. He also has his pack slung over his shoulder and gun placed firmly in his hands. Lexa can hear their footsteps retreating and getting further and further away and she feels helpless.

A cold wind picks up and soon, Lexa can't hear their footsteps. They're gone. She's alone. She looks up at the sky that is now bright with morning sun. Her platoon just abandoned her. Her fellow soldiers just tossed her into a shallow grave, still alive, with 20 Reapers down by a river bank that's a few miles away. This has to be a nightmare right? She knows by the pain she is feeling throughout her body that this is, indeed, not a nightmare but real life. Tears begin to fall down the sides of her temples as her breathing begins to shallow.

She then closes her eyes and wills herself to die.

 


	4. A Kiss Goodnight To A Fallen Lover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this one is just emotionally intense. It's completely from Clarke's POV, so you can gather what's probably going to happen.

Clarke grits her teeth and bares down, yelling out in pain as she pushes with all her might. She can feel the pressure mixed with exhaustion setting in as she lets out a breath. She can barely register her mother and father in law holding each of her hands. Beads of sweat are dripping down her forehead and a nurse dabs at it before it gets into her eyes. She's panting hard at the exertion. The lights of the clean delivery room blind her as she sets her head back on the bed.

"You're doing great Clarke. Just a couple more then it'll be done." Her doctor says. Clarke groans, he's been saying the same thing for over an hour now. Clarke's mom begins brushing her hair away from her face. She feels Gustus give her a reassuring squeeze. The last time she was in a delivery room, it was Lexa that was beside her. She was holding her hand and brushing away her hair and dabbing the sweat. She was rubbing ice cubes over her lips and massaging her lower back. She was encouraging, even when Clarke snapped at her. She wants her to be the one holding her hand right now. She wants her telling her she can do it. She doesn't want anyone else's comfort. She just wants Lexa.

"I want Lexa." Clarke begins crying. Gustus is the one who begins trying to soothe her. He brushes some hair from her forehead and places a kiss. Clarke's eyes begin dropping tears and her mom starts trying to wipe them away.

"She'll be home soon. But she's also going to be expecting a newborn, but in order for you to give that to her, you gotta push a few more times. Can you do that Clarke? Just a couple more and you'll have another piece of Lexa with you. Okay?" Gustus tries. Clarke takes a deep breath, letting the words sink in. She then begins nodding and sits back up in the bed. She grabs ahold of both Gustus and her mom to steady herself. She's been at this for over twenty hours now. It's now she'd like it if their daughter had Lexa's promptness. She almost wants to laugh, thinking about that running joke between the two of them. She has a task to finish though. She takes a couple of deep breaths and signals the doctor. 

"Alright Clarke, ready?" The doctor asks. Clarke nods and begins pushing once more as a nurse counts her down.

"1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. Alright good, take a breath." The nurse says. Clarke releases her breath, already feeling the exhaustion wracking her body. She just wants to curl up and sleep for the rest of her life at this very moment. 

"Alright Clarke, you just need to do one more push and you'll be the mother to a beautiful baby girl. Can you do that for me?" The doctor asks. Clarke nods and feels her mother's hand rubbing her arm in comfort. Clarke takes a few deep breaths before sitting up once more. She grasps both her mom's and Gustus's hands as the nurse begins counting down once more. Clarke pushes with all she has left in her and it seems to go on for longer than ten seconds. She finally lets her breath go and she hears it.

She hears the wailing cry ring out through the hospital room. Everyone begins cooing as Clarke slumps back, exhausted but elated. Clarke begins to cry tears of happiness as her mother and Gustus continue cooing that 'she did it' as they wipe off her new baby girl. It's not long before she's handed the naked squirming newborn baby. They set her on her chest and her wails begin to quiet as Clarke brushes the light hair on her head, kissing her head.

"Oh my god. Hello little one." Clarke coos at the newborn. Gustus's own term of endearment for Lexa falling out of her mouth. She looks over to the man and he has tears in his eyes as he beams at his new grandchild. Clarke smiles at him, "Don't start crying on me now, Gus." Clarke jokes through her own tears of happiness. The big burly man laughs heartily and begins wiping his eyes before nodding at Clarke. Clarke then turns to her mother who has let her tears run freely down her cheeks. "Oh not you too!" Clarke exclaims, making everyone in the room laugh, causing the newborn to whimper a little at the loud noise. Clarke looks back down to study her. She's pink, has long eyelashes already and Clarke can already tell she has Lexa's lips and nose. She's so tiny and perfect. Clarke feels her heart warming in her chest. It's a funny thing. When she had had Aden, she was young and didn't think it'd be possible to fall in love twice, but she did the minute he was laid in her arms. Once again she's proven herself wrong looking at her new little girl. Falling in love three times is definitely the charm.

"Clarke, do you have a name picked out?" One of the nurses ask. Clarke nods and never takes her eyes off of her daughter when she answers.

"Lia Alexandria Griffin-Woods. That's her name. My little Lia." Clarke smiles as the little girl begins squirming on her chest and opens her eyes to look at Clarke. Her mom let's out an adoring sigh and Gustus brings his hand over to rub at the newborns back.

"A perfect name for a perfect girl." Gustus says.

It's not long afterwards that they take Lia and clean her up more properly and swaddle her. They put a cap on her and hand her back to Clarke. After cleaning up the delivery room, the doctor and nurses leave them to have privacy with their family. After settling in and keeping their voices low for the newborn, the door opens to reveal her father holding Aden's hand as they walk quietly in. Aden lets go of his hand and begins sheepishly making his way over to Clarke. She gestures for him to climb up onto the hospital bed with her and his new baby sister. He gets up onto the bed and snuggles into Clarke's side, looking at the newborn with awe. 

"This is Lia, your new baby sister." Clarke tells him in a hoarse voice. He smiles at Clarke then back to Lia.

"Can I touch her?" Aden asks. Clarke chuckles and nods her head. He reaches out his own tiny hand and lightly touches her cheek. He caresses it a little then pulls his hand back when she begins making faces in her slumber.

"Do you want to hold her?" Clarke asks him. He looks wide eyed and a little scared at the suggestion.

"Will I hurt her?" Aden asks, making everyone in the room chuckle. Clarke chuckles as well and shakes her head. She leans down and presses a kiss to her worried sons forehead. She shows him how to put his arms and then hands Lia over to him. He's incredibly stiff at first but gradually relaxes when it's clear Lia isn't going to wake up anytime soon. Her mom grabs Clarke's polaroid camera and makes Aden smile up at the camera. They don't need to say who the picture is for. She takes a few more then some with her phone then Clarke snaps at her and tells her it's 'not a photoshoot' which makes her father and Gustus start cracking up. Aden lays with her for quite awhile, occasionally holding Lia, but mostly just cuddling into Clarke. He mentions wishing Lexa was with them and Clarke couldn't agree more with her young son.

Everything is almost perfect. But the huge Lexa gaping hole stings her heart. She has to remind herself that she will be expected home in a couple weeks. She's suppose to be anyways. Clarke hasn't received any other news about her leave since that initial letter in which she announced it. She had begun growing worried in the last couple weeks as this was the longest Lexa's gone without writing a letter to either Aden or her. Octavia had explained that her leave could have been pushed back, something that happened with Bellamy a few months prior and that she's heard the fighting has picked up over there. "She probably doesn't have time to write you guys letters consistently" Octavia had said when Clarke brought up her concerns. It soothed Clarke's worries for the moment. 

Soon her mother, father, and Gustus decide to let Clarke get some rest. Aden had fallen asleep next to her and she told them to just let him stay. The nurses come in and take Lia down to the nursery so Clarke can get proper rest before she is discharged from the hospital. She gets a few hours in, cuddled up with her son. Not long after she has awoken Raven, Anya, Lincoln and Octavia make their way inside to see the newborn. Clarke asks a nurse to bring her back into the room and once she arrives everyone begins gushing. Aden wakes and sits with Lincoln as the girls all crowd around Clarke to get a peek at the beautiful baby girl. 

"Oh my god. You and Woods just need to repopulate the earth with your beautiful children." Octavia says, Clarke chuckles and nods.

"I'll let her know of the task you have put upon us." Clarke says.

"Have you heard anything about when she's suppose to be back for leave?" Raven speaks up, scooping the newborn up out of Clarke's arms. Clarke clenches her jaw, that feeling of uneasiness creeping back into her body.

"No, I haven't gotten anything from her since her last letter when she mentioned it." Clarke says. Anya must notice the unsettled look on her face.

"That seems normal. I mean, i've read things are picking up and that postage overseas is slowing. Her letters might just be getting lost in a fray. She'll probably call you whenever she's in London." Anya says with a reassuring smile. Clarke gives her a small smile back and nods, taking a deep breath. She watches Raven cooing at the newborn and watches Anya's face look a little worried about it.

"I want one." Raven says after a minute, Clarke tries to hold in her laughter at the look on Anya's face. She's definitely never been one for kids. Clarke had introduced Raven and Anya at Lincoln and Octavia's wedding. Raven didn't grow up with everyone, she had met Clarke and Lexa in college. Anya had been abroad pretty much that entire time and four years ago when Lincoln and Octavia finally tied the knot, Lexa and Clarke had come to the conclusion that Anya and Raven would get on quite well. So Clarke introduced them, it became a battle of wits between the two, then next thing Clarke knows they're dating. They just moved in together last summer and Raven has made some not so subtle hints that she's ready for marriage. She wonders if the pair will ever start a family.

"No." Anya says firmly. Raven pouts at her but Anya keeps her face stern as Octavia and Lincoln both bark in laughter. Soon Aden is climbing off of Lincoln and getting back into bed with Clarke. Clarke wraps her arms around him and kisses his head.

"You excited about your little sister little dude?" Raven asks. Aden smiles and nods. 

"I think she's a little small for me to play with though." He replies. Clarke chuckles.

"She'll get bigger." Clarke reassures him. After awhile they depart and it's just Aden, Clarke, and Lia. She's discharged and Gustus comes by to drive her back home. The drive home is mixed with Aden cooing at the newborn, then freaking out when she began crying, having not heard that kind of crying before in his life. They make it home and Clarke goes to breastfeed while Gustus helps Aden do homework. Jake comes to the house not long after that and helps Gustus make dinner for all of them. Clarke decides to look up some news about the war, wanting to ease her mind about Lexa's lack of letters. She usually tries to not seek out news about it, but her anxiety is starting to get the best of her. She just can't get over this uneasiness that she feels in her bones. It might be due to the fact that she's not here for Lia's first day in the world, but Clarke doesn't think that's it. She looks up some things and sure enough, Anya is right. Postage has been stalling due to the pick up's in fights. Clarke sighs a little in relief, it doesn't completely subside her unease, but it helps. From there she eats with her dad, Gustus, and Aden after settling Lia down to sleep. She gets through about half her meal before she hears the newborn began crying. She goes to her and changes her diaper and brings her back downstairs, putting her in a bassinet so she can finish eating. By the time she's finished, Aden is in front of Lia making funny faces at her. She was worried about him possibly getting jealous about having a sibling but so far he hasn't shown any signs of jealousy. During her pregnancy he has been nothing but helpful. She supposes some of it has to do with Lexa the other just him being a good kid. Gustus and her father leave them for the evening, promising them they'd be by early tomorrow morning.

They all settle in and watch television for a couple hours before it's Aden's bedtime. Clarke makes sure Lia is okay before launching into her's and Aden's nighttime routine. That was something she vowed she wouldn't change with him, even with a newborn. She lays in his bed, letting him read to her at first before he grows tired and Clarke takes over. She reads until she can see his breaths have evened out. He clutches onto the raccoon and a new edition, an Army soldier that he's deemed as his 'mama'. Clarke looks at the peaceful boy and smiles. Her and Lexa did good with him. She leans down and places a kiss on his forehead before moving out of the room. She goes into the nursery to check on the newborn, she's still fast asleep, her eyelids half opened as she sucks on nothing but air. Clarke leans in and places a feather light kiss to her small head. She makes sure the baby monitor is on and makes her way back into her bedroom. After changing and getting settled she begins writing another letter to Lexa. She writes pages upon pages of words to her. It's definitely the longest letter she's written to her wife. She tells her about the labor, the birth, Aden's feelings, her feelings. She tells her about how much she misses her. She writes about feeling worried for her. She writes and writes until she realizes she's written over ten pages. She signs off and sets the notebook aside once more. She begins curling into herself and drifts off to sleep, only for a couple hours as the baby monitor crackles to life. She thinks about when Aden had been born, how Lexa was always the first one up and out of bed. She smiles at the memory as she goes into Lia's room and begins trying to soothe the newborn. She sighs, knowing this will be her new routine. She looks over at the clock reading two am. Lia's first day is officially over, and she mentally declares it one of the best days of her life.

What she didn't know is that all this time, someone was in an office writing a letter. A letter that would be addressed to her. A letter from the US government. A letter that will change her life completely. A letter that will be the start of the worst days of her life.

//

_The Secretary of War desires me to express his deepest regret..._

Clarke vacuums the floor in the living room while also keeping an eye on her now 6 week old daughter who lays in her rocker. Lia is watching Clarke's movements, mesmerized. Aden should be home from school at any moment. Lia's features are coming in more prominent already. She had blue eyes then one day they switched to those green that Clarke dreams about every night. It brings Clarke comfort to see those eyes in person once more. Lexa had missed her leave date, which hasn't helped Clarke's growing anxiety. Everyone keeps reassuring her that it's normal, soldiers get their leave pushed back all the time. But she can't shake the feeling that something is wrong. She keeps her thoughts to herself though, not wanting to alarm Aden. He had brought it up recently, that Lexa was suppose to be taking her break at the moment and Clarke tried to explain it to him the way everyone else were explaining it to her. He understood but then pointed out he hasn't gotten a letter in a long while, Clarke didn't have an answer for him with that.

Clarke finishes vacuuming and begins wrapping up the cord. Something about the action makes Lia laugh. Clarke looks up and grins at the sound. She continues doing it and Lia keeps doing that belly laugh babies do. Clarke can't help but begin doing her own belly laugh at the sound. After awhile of unwrapping and rewrapping the cord, Lia loses interest and begins closing her eyes. Clarke finally puts the vacuum away and goes into the kitchen to make some lemonade. Octavia had asked to come over later and she knew Aden would appreciate more of the lemonade.  Soon she hears the front door opening and in bounds Aden. He slings his backpack off at the door and Clarke calls out to him to come into the kitchen. He comes in and looks exasperated from his day at school. His eyes light up a little from seeing Clarke pulling out the ingredients for her homemade lemonade. The day was unusually hot for spring so Clarke tells Aden to open up the front door and just leave the screen door. He does as he's told and then tells Clarke that he'll check on Lia. After a minute or so he returns and perches up onto the counter top, watching as Clarke makes the lemonade.

She squeezes the lemons and then pours the juice into the pitcher. She then moves over to the stove and pours sugar and water into a saucepan. She brings it to a boil and calls Aden over to have him stir it until it dissolves. Once it's finished she lets it sit to cool. She then moves back into the living room and carefully grabs the rocker, bringing the sleeping newborn to sit on the countertop. Clarke grabs some chips and her and Aden begin launching into his day at school. He tells her about learning how to write in cursive and how someone told him Lily Towner has a crush on him. Clarke frowns at this, but keeps her thoughts and feelings to herself. He tells her about his two-hand touch game at recess and his teams victory. Clarke listens intently as she munches on chips and every now and then glances at Lia. She hears a car door slam from the front door and shrugs it off, thinking it was probably Octavia. Aden continues with his riveting tale of Carter Faust being able to fit his entire fist in his mouth and getting ten bucks for doing it. She then hears the knocking on the front door and she frowns. Usually Octavia would just come in. She straightens up and begins to walk towards the entry way.

_That your wife, Private Alexandria Griffin-Woods has been reported..._

Clarke is looking at her feet when she first enters the entry way hall that leads to the door. She then looks up and her heart stops. A man in uniform is standing stick straight, in his hands, an envelope. Clarke swallows down the lump. She feels Aden behind her and she turns briskly.

"Go upstairs. Now." She says firmly. He looks at her confused and scared by her tone of voice. He hesitates but listens to her and goes upstairs. Clarke slowly makes her way towards the screen door. She opens it and stares at the man in uniform. He takes off his hat and looks at her solemn.

"Are you Clarke Griffin-Woods, wife of Alexandria?" He asks, his voice even and calm. Clarke can't speak so she just nods. He then looks down and extends the envelope. Clarke's shaky hands take it. She still has hope though. Maybe it's a letter about her leave. Maybe it's a letter about why the postage is taking so long. Maybe it's a letter directly from her, explaining why she's been so quiet. There's a million things it could be. But all her hopes are crushed when the man says his next words before departing.

"I'm sorry for your loss." Clarke feels like she's just been hit by a semi-truck going a hundred miles per hour. She drops the letter onto the porch and feels herself starting to collapse. Before Clarke can hit the porch, arms catch her. It's Octavia. She looks at Clarke wide eyed and Clarke looks past her, over at the man in uniform leaving in his car. She feels her lungs closing in on her and she begins struggling to breath. She's hyperventilating.

"Clarke you need to breathe. Clarke breathe. It's okay, it's okay. You need to breathe." Octavia keeps trying. Clarke finally lets a violent scream/sob out of her lungs. 

_killed in action on March 12, 2026._

"Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. No. No No. Please no. Please no please!" Clarke sobs up to the clear blue skies. Octavia helps her to the ground as Clarke's weight becomes too much. Clarke crumbles and begins sobbing uncontrollably. She yells and screams as Octavia cries with her, trying to soothe Clarke, but it's futile."It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Please, god, tell me please please please." Clarke sobs out. It's then the piercing cries of Lia break through, almost like she can sense the pain Clarke is in. Octavia looks up through bleary eyes and looks down at Clarke who is still crying out. She grabs Clarke and tries hoisting her up to bring her inside. Clarke is still screaming and crying, pleading with whatever higher power that is listening. Once Octavia gets her inside, she dials Abby and tearfully tells her to get over to the house. Clarke begins heaving on the floor as Octavia hangs up. Lia is screaming at the top of her lungs in her rocker still on the countertop. Octavia goes into the kitchen and grabs the inconsolable newborn. She picks her up and makes her way back to Clarke, who has thrown up on the floor. Clarke is crouched on the ground, holding her abdomen and sobbing as Lia continues to scream in Octavia's arms. 

Finally the screen door opens and in bounds Abby. She looks wide eyed at the scene, and Octavia tearfully tells her about the man in uniform giving a letter to Clarke. Abby instantly is down on the ground grabbing Clarke and holding her as she sobs into her mother's shirt. Abby begins crying and Octavia continues trying to soothe the screaming Lia, while also crying.

Clarke buries her face into her mother's chest. She feels like her entire soul has been ripped from her body. Lexa is gone. She was killed. All this time she's been wondering what she's been doing. All this time she's been curious about if she's cold or warm where she is. All this time she's been writing letters that will never be received. All this time she thought she was still breathing, still fighting. All this time she thought she'd be home in weeks to meet their newborn daughter. All this time she thought...

But it was all wasted thoughts. Wasted scenarios. Because her beautiful, strong, exquisite first and only love has been dead for weeks and Clarke had no idea. She was dead when Clarke had bought new shirts for when she was on leave. She was dead when her and Aden painted a welcome home sign for when she came back. She was dead when their daughter had been born. She was dead that entire time.

She cries and cries into her mother until a thought breaks through. Aden. Clarke begins removing herself from her mother's hold. She stands up quickly and runs up the stairs. She turns the corner to Aden's room. His door is shut. Clarke throws it open and looks around. He's not on his bed or sitting at his desk. She keeps looking around until she hears whimpers coming from the closet door. Clarke sniffs and wipes her eyes and makes her way to the closet. 

"Aden?" Clarke croaks out. Her voice is shaky with tears. The whimpering continues and Clarke opens the door. Aden is crouched down with his knees drawn up. He's clutching the raccoon and Army action figure. Sobbing as he looks up into Clarke's eyes. His blue eyes are bloodshot and the tears just continuously flow down. The way he looks at her, Clarke knows she doesn't have to say anything. He already knows. Clarke makes her way into the closet and crouches down. She scoops him into her arms and they both begin sobbing into each other. Aden clutches her shirt and buries his head into Clarke's neck. Clarke rubs his back as the both continue to hiccup with sobs. Octavia and Abby stand just outside the door, with a now whimpering Lia, just watching the pair cling to each other and sobbing.

She doesn't know how long they hold each other on the floor of the closet. But it's long enough for Aden to practically pass out in exhaustion from the heart break. Clarke's own tears are starting to run out as she begins feeling the numbness set in. She carefully picks him up, his body a lot heavier now that he's growing more and more. Instead of carrying him to his bed she carries him to her room. She lays him on the bed and decides to go back downstairs and get him a glass of water for when he wakes. She makes her way down the steps and sees everyone is now in her living room. The lights are on, signaling that evening has settled upon them. Everyone looks at her when she is on the final step. Anya is holding Raven with tears streaming down both of their faces. Lincoln is also trying to soothe Octavia. Her father and mother are talking low, tears stained on their cheeks as well. And then there's Gustus. He's sitting in the recliner, his head in his hands, the letter having been opened and clutched tightly. She can see his body moving, signaling he's crying. Clarke goes straight for him. She bends down and puts her hands on his. He lifts his head and Clarke's eyes begin shedding tears once more at the sight of him. His eyes are red rimmed and absolutely broken. Lexa was his only daughter. He's lost both his wife and now his little girl. Clarke begins shaking her head, thinking about what Gustus has lost along with her. She brings the large man into a hug and he cries, much like Aden had, into her neck. Clarke begins crying harder as well. 

She doesn't know when she lost consciousness. All she knows is when she wakes up in her bed, clutching Aden, she's slightly confused. The room is dark and she can hear the sound of the fan blowing. She looks over at the nightstand, the clock reading 2:32 am. She notices the baby monitor has been removed from her room. She then begins remembering everything that has happened. Making Lia laugh. Her and Aden making lemonade. The car door. The knock. The man in uniform. The letter. Lexa. 

Clarke closes her eyes as tears once again flow down silently. She snuggles further into Aden for comfort. She's never going to be able to hold Lexa again. She's never going to be able to kiss her cheek. Be able to go to her for advice. Be able to hold her hand. Make love to her. All of that gone within an instant. Probably from a bullet or a bomb. She begins wondering if she suffered or if it had been quick. She wonders if Clarke was on her mind in her last moments. As she continues thinking about it, she doesn't realize she's begun sobbing again until she feels Aden stir and stroke her hair, his own breathing faltering, giving away that he's crying as well. 

And Clarke knows now that this is going to be her new normal. A constant ache in her chest that will never go away because the only person who can soothe it, has been killed.

//

_Fourteen year old Clarke watches Lexa Woods a lot. The tall slender girl is gorgeous and everyone in town is aware of it. But everyone also is a little terrified of the girl with steely green eyes. Nobody in her friend group really understands why Clarke has such a crush on the girl beyond looks. According to them, she never says anything, and the rare moment she does, it's biting and stern for a fellow fourteen year old. But see, Clarke Griffin knows a secret about Lexa. She's actually the most caring person she's ever met._

_She watches Lexa as she helps a little girl who has fallen on the sidewalk and is crying. Lexa checks over the scrape on her knee and then begins launching into a funny story about frogs to distract the little girl. The girls tears subside and she laughs at Lexa's dramatic hand signals and voices. Soon the girl is fine and walks away after giving Lexa a shy thank you. It's then Lexa continues making her way over to Clarke as she had been doing before the little girl had fallen. Clarke smiles at her and Lexa gives her the smallest of smiles back. They then begin silently walking to their tree out by one of the clearings. It's a huge willow tree that Lexa had shown Clarke back when they were in 5th grade. They climb it and usually sit together, Lexa reading some history story while Clarke draws. Or the other times where Clarke goes off on tangents and Lexa lets her._

_They get to their tree and climb up, sitting in their designated spots, watching the sun slowly begin to sink down. Lexa begins reading and Clarke gets out her sketchbook and tries to draw the scene in front of her. After awhile, Clarke decides to ask a burning question that has been on her mind._

_"Hey Lex?" Clarke breaks through the comfortable silence. Lexa hums and Clarke continues, closing her sketchbook in the process. "Why don't you ever let people see what I see?" She looks at the beautiful girl. Lexa's eyebrows furrow and she looks up, meeting Clarke's gaze._

_"How do you mean?" Lexa questions. Clarke shrugs._

_"Like, people always think you're indifferent to everything or that you don't care. But I know you do. I've seen it with my own two eyes." Clarke says. Lexa nods, taking in Clarke's words. She marks her book and closes it, giving Clarke her undivided attention, much like she always did when Clarke spoke._

_"I'm not trying to act indifferent or like I don't care. I'm not hiding that I care about others. People just like to look the other way. See what they want to see once they've made up their minds." Lexa explains. Clarke let's Lexa's words sink in. They stare at one another for awhile and finally Clarke finds her voice._

_"I don't think I could ever look away from you."_

 

Clarke wakes from her dream. Well, more like a memory. Today is the day her life will officially be irrevocably changed. She looks over to the other side of the bed where the sheets are crumpled. Aden must already be up. Clarke turns over in bed to look up at the ceiling. She closes her eyes and takes deep breaths, willing herself to get out of bed and face the day ahead. To hold her sons hand as they lay an empty casket to rest. Clarke slowly begins sitting up in bed, the room is still dark. The shades she drew over a week ago have yet to be opened back up again. She thinks they probably never will.

She reaches over to the nightstand and flicks on the lamp. She grabs the piece of paper once more. She's found herself having to read it every morning to remind herself that this was really happening. She opens the letter, streaked with tears now and begins reading it once more.

 

> Mrs. Clarke Griffin-Woods,
> 
> The Secretary of War desires me to express his deepest regret that your wife, Private Alexandria Griffin-Woods has been reported killed in action on March 12, 2026. I know that added distress is caused by failure to receive more information. Unfortunately, the report received did not contain any further details but you may be assured that in the event additional information is received regarding Private Alexandria Griffin-Woods' death, it will be promptly communicated to you.
> 
> I sincerely regret that this message must bring so much sorrow into your home and my deepest sympathy is with you in your bereavement. 
> 
> Sincerely yours,
> 
> Marcus Kane
> 
> Major General

Clarke swallows and rereads it two more times before setting it aside. She then swings her legs over the side of the bed and sits. She runs her fingers through her greasy hair and reminds herself that she needs to shower today. She stands and heads towards the bathroom. Once she's stripped and starts the shower, she stares at her appearance in the mirror. Her eyes are permanently puffy and red. She's lost so much weight already due to the stress of planning a funeral. Her lips are chapped and her skin is pale. She looks like a ghost of herself, and she might as well feel like one.

She gets herself into the shower and begins the simple task of washing her hair and body. She's slow in her movements and pauses a lot, just staring at different points on the tile, letting the steaming hot water burn her skin. When she's finished, she steps out and wraps a towel around her frame. She makes it into her bedroom and goes into the closet. She actively avoids the side where Lexa's clothes still hang and goes straight for the long sleeved black dress on her side. She leaves the closet almost as quickly as she entered and sets the dress on her bed. She moves to the dresser and grabs underwear and a bra. She removes her towel and dresses in her underwear. She moves back over to the dress and stares down at it. She takes a deep breath and makes a mental note to burn the dress at some point in the near future. She zips the dress up and heads back into the bathroom. She combs her wet hair then begins blowdrying it out. She then begins styling it into an updo. Once she's finished with that, she foregoes mascara or anything on her eyes and just puts on nude lipstick. The lipstick Lexa loved to kiss off of her lips only seconds after applying. She closes her eyes as memories of Lexa grabbing her waist and spinning her around to kiss her senseless as she applies the make up play behind her eyelids. She sighs and then opens her eyes. She stares in the mirror and sees it's only her there now.

Once she's finished getting ready she exits the room. As she's walking down the hallway she hears a frustrated grunt coming from Aden's bedroom. Clarke frowns and goes towards the slightly ajar door. Aden hasn't slept in his room since that day and only ever goes in there now to get his clothes. They've pulled him out of school for the next three weeks and Clarke suspects he'll probably stay sleeping in her room for awhile. She pushes the door lightly and watches the sight in front of her. Aden is looking at his closet mirror. He's got his little black slacks and grey button down on. He's got a black tie wrapped around his collar and he's frowning while trying to tie it. Clarke gets a brief flashback to Lexa dressing in her uniform the morning she left. She shakes her head from the thought and moves over to her son. They don't say anything as Clarke bends down to be eye level with him and begins fixing his tie. Once it's perfectly knotted, he flips his collar back down and grabs his little black suit jacket. He holds it in his hands and Clarke watches as he moves over to his nightstand to grab something. He grabs the baseball cap Lexa had given him that morning before she left. He looks up at Clarke, as if asking permission to wear it and Clarke nods. 

They exit his bedroom and Clarke looks into the nursery. Lia isn't there so she suspects either her father or mother has her downstairs. Clarke grabs ahold of Aden's hand as they walk down the steps slowly. They make it down and continue holding hands until they enter the kitchen. Her mother is cooing at Lia at the kitchen table while her father is digging into some of the multiple casseroles neighbors have been bringing by since the news. She knows the entire town of Polis is due to be at the cemetery. Lexa has officially been given the title of Polis' first casualty. Clarke bites her lip and releases Aden's hand as she walks towards the fridge. The radio is on low as everyone continues with their tasks in silence. Clarke grabs orange juice from the fridge and pours two glasses. She then grabs bread to begin toasting. Once it dings, she moves to where Aden is sitting in his stool by the island. He's staring at a spot, zoning out. Clarke sets the juice and piece of toast in front of him. She knows he doesn't want to eat anything other than that. Clarke can't really reprimand him when she herself can't stomach anything more these days.

Clarke sits by her son and the two begin eating and drinking in sync, not speaking or really looking at anything. Both lost in memories and grief. Then the local radio station breaks them of their thoughts.

"Today, unfortunately is a very sad day for our small little bubble. Local hometown hero Lexa Griffin-Woods, formally just Lexa Woods, was killed in action while fighting our sworn enemies overseas. Today we lay her to rest in Greenwood Cemetery. She is survived by her father, Gustus Woods, wife Clarke Griffin-Woods, and two children. This next song goes out to her and her family at this time of grief. Rest easy, good soldier." Then the sounds of The Beatles' Yesterday begins playing. Clarke just sets her piece of toast down and clenches her jaw. She isn't ready to cry yet. Because if she starts crying now, she will never make it to the cemetery. Her father must sense her distress because he walks over to the radio and turns it off when it gets towards the end of the song. A silence falls over everyone as Lia just gurgles and squeals. Clarke takes a deep breath and closes her eyes to gather herself. 

"Father Brennan called earlier and said the military cadets are already up there. Gus should be arriving here shortly." Her father says cautiously. Clarke opens her eyes and nods. She glances over at Aden who is still taking little bites of his toast. Soon Gustus comes into the kitchen, just as solemn as Clarke and Aden. He's dressed in a similar black suit as Aden but with a white button down. Clarke vaguely remembers him wearing that suit at Lexa's mother's funeral. She wonders if he plans on also burning it once the funeral has passed. Gustus walks over to Clarke and drops a kiss on the side of her head. He then moves over to Aden and rubs his back. Aden gives him a small sad smile then returns to studying his toast. Silence falls over the room until Lia begins fussing and crying. Clarke can't bring herself to move from her spot and help the distressed newborn. She's been finding it more and more difficult to be around her newborn, she thinks it'll pass soon. It's just the grief. Her mother begins soothing the baby for her and soon her dad looks down at his watch. 

"We should probably head there." He states calmly. No one makes a move at first. Then slowly, Clarke stands from her seat and begins walking out of the kitchen. She retrieves her black pumps and black clutch from the closet by the door. Everyone begins filing out of the kitchen. Aden grabs his dress shoes after putting his suit jacket on. Gustus decides to bend down to tie them for him, even though he's perfectly capable of doing it himself. He then straightens Aden's tie and stands up straight. Aden keeps a tight grip on the grey baseball cap, almost like he's afraid someone is going to take it from him. Everyone looks around at everyone else as if silently asking if everyone is ready. Jake nods and opens the door. Everyone files out to head to Jake and Abby's car. As they're walking, all their neighbors are also exiting their houses and entering their vehicles, dressed in black. A couple walk over and shake Gustus' hand before walking back to their waiting vehicles. 

The drive to the cemetery is quiet. Jake doesn't put the radio on. Clarke keeps her eyes on her hands, specifically her wedding ring.

_"Marry me."_

_Lexa laughs, "Clarke, we're not even graduated yet."_

_"I don't care, I know I want you to be my wife."_

_Lexa looks at her, growing more serious. "Wait, you're being serious?"_

_"As a heart attack."_

_"Well, that's pretty serious."_

Clarke turns over the wedding band on her finger. She swallows the lump in her throat. She can't cry yet. Not yet. She looks up as the car slows. Many other cars are lined up and people are exiting and headed towards the gates. Jake finds a spot that looks like it may be designated only for them as it's the closest to the gates. They begin exiting the vehicle. Abby grabs Lia's carseat and Clarke grabs ahold of Aden's free hand. They walk up a tiny slope and get to the plot. Military cadets are standing stiff straight nearby the casket. White chairs are lined up perfectly under a canopy. A big picture of Lexa in her uniform back when she had started Basic is near the head of the casket. Clarke can see Lexa's mother's gravestone next to where hers will be placed later on in the day. Father Brennan is at a podium near the large picture of Lexa. Clarke makes her way with Gustus and Aden to sit nearest to the podium. Aden is in the middle of them. Once they sit, people begin making their way to stand and sit in the other vacant chairs. People come up to Clarke and shake her hand and give her sympathetic smiles. Octavia, Lincoln, Anya, and Raven all hug her and place kisses onto her cheek. 

Once it's clear everyone has settled into their spots and no more people are arriving, the service begins. 

"We've all come together today to remember the life of Private Alexandria Marie Griffin-Woods..." And then Clarke tunes him out. They've never really been religious. Not even Gustus is religious but it's almost like an unspoken thing that Father Brennan is the one that is suppose to officiate funerals in Polis. He talks about Lexa and how he knew her as a serious kid with a bright attitude. After awhile of him talking about God and her being at peace, he asks if anyone had anything they wanted to say. Gustus surprisingly is the first one up. Clarke didn't know he had prepared a eulogy for her. He pulls a sheet of white out of his jacket and walks to the podium. Clarke watches him and can see the tears forming already in his eyes. He doesn't look up at all when he begins to speak, just keeps his eyes trained on the paper.

"Almost twenty-nine years, ago my late wife had gone into labor. I remember thinking how terrified I was to become a father as I was so young at the time. After about 14 hours of getting my hand crushed, a beautiful baby girl became the center of my whole world." He pauses and audibly swallows while shaking his head. "The minute she laid in my arms, I fell in love all over again. She looked at me and it was like she knew I was meant to be her father. Her protector. And she smiled. Born maybe a few minutes before and she was smiling. I think everyone here can agree that that was probably one of the easiest times to get her to smile in all the years you've known her." Some chuckles ring out and Clarke can't help the little smile that forms on her lips. "I got to watch her grow into a smart and sensible young woman. I got to watch her fall in love. I had to pick her up when her mother passed. I watched her experience my same trepidation when her son was born. There are so many things i'm grateful that I was able to be apart of. But at the same time...this is-just." He pauses as he gathers himself, his shaky voice begins speaking again. "No parent should have to bury their child. Especially your child who is still physically overseas. So standing before you today to farewell my daughter is one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. I don't know if words could ever describe the sorrow I am feeling in my heart. I hope no parent here today ever has to experience this same sense of grief."

"When my daughter came to me to tell me she had been drafted, I thought of all the different ways that we could get her out of it. But she stopped my ramblings and told me she'd do her duty to this country, as that is what she's been called to do. I've never been more proud in my life...until today." He beings to cry and sniffs and Clarke lets the first of her tears fall. "She sacrificed herself and her comfortable life for all of us and I can never be more grateful. But because of that sacrifice, she's left behind myself, her wonderful wife, and her beautiful two children. But I know she'll live in all our hearts forever. To my little one, I love you and i'll be seeing you." With that, Gustus steps away from the podium and begins wiping his eyes. When he sits down Clarke reaches across Aden to place her hand on his. She gives him a watery tight lipped smile. Then Anya is standing and heading towards the podium. This one she was expecting, Anya having told Clarke she would be speaking. She talks about Lexa being too serious for her own good. She mentions how Clarke brought out her more playful side and that if you were lucky enough to see it, it was the most beautiful sight to behold. She talks about Lexa's love of Aden and the sadness she feels of her never getting the chance to meet Lia. She ends the speech in tears and makes her way back to her seat. Then one of Lexa's close colleagues talks about her work ethic and how nice she was to him. He tells a story that Clarke didn't know about, that he had been close to giving up teaching one time and Lexa came to him unprompted and talked with him. She talked with him for hours about everything and he's never felt discouraged in his job again. After that, tears are flowing freely throughout the large crowd. It's clear no one else has the emotional strength to get up and say a few words. Father Brennan takes his place back on the podium and begins to recite the same prayer she heard at a different Woods funeral.

"Into paradise, may the angels lead you; may the martyrs come to welcome you and take you into the holy city. Where Lazarus is poor no longer and may you find eternal rest." Father Brennan finishes and the military cadets begin their ritual. A trumpet begins to play Taps and they begin marching with the American flag and then folding it. Clarke grabs ahold of Aden's hand and squeezes. She looks over and he's got silent tears coming down as he puts the baseball cap over his heart. The casket begins to slowly lower into the grave. The leader of the cadets then begins marching towards Clarke with the folded flag. He stops in front of her and crisply presents the folded flag. She lets go of Aden's hand briefly to take the flag and set it into her lap. She grabs Aden's hand once more as she feels the immense grief wash over her. Then, Father Brennan goes to the pile of dirt and sprinkles a handful onto the empty casket. Then Gustus stands and makes his way over to also sprinkle dirt onto it. Then her father. Then Anya. Aden squeezes Clarke's hand to get her attention. He looks at her, the silent question in his eyes. She tearfully nods and he stands. It's clear everyone wasn't expecting him to get up and do the same judging by the audible gasps and louder crying. Clarke tearfully watches as her son squares his jaw and picks up a pile of dirt in his tiny hand. He drops it in then stands and salutes it. Clarke wipes her eyes at the scene as he makes his way back over to her. She asks him silently to hold the flag so she can be the final one to place dirt on the casket. She stands, her feet already feeling shaky as she makes her way over to the pile of dirt. She grabs a handful and tosses it onto the pile.

"See you later alligator." Clarke whispers.

 

 


	5. Survival Of The Fittest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some graphic injuries are described in this chapter. Thanks for the support and response to this story! I love reading the comments. This chapter isn't long but it isn't short either. Lots of things happen. Next chapter is going to be fairly long but i'll try to get it out some point tomorrow.

Lexa opens her eyes. The sun is still shining down on her, though the cold breeze still bites at her exposed body. She registers the dirt still piled onto her torso. She knows she must have passed out from the immense feeling of abandonment. If she was out for awhile, the Reapers surely would have come by and checked to see if the body in the shallow grave was indeed dead. But then a thought hits her. He lied. Of course he lied about it. He was constantly worried about everyone making too much noise and yet, he was screaming at Artigas and not even telling Lexa to shut up with her groaning and grunting. Michael Quint sat up in the evening and thought of a plan. He thought of the one thing that would terrify an eighteen-year old. The possibility of death staring him in the face only a couple miles away. He chose to do this to Lexa. But what he isn't expecting is Lexa's will to live. He thought Lexa would just lay here and take it, and Lexa will admit, initially that is what she planned on doing. But once more, she refuses to give Michael Quint the satisfaction of her dying here. No, she wants to see the look on his smug face when she strolls up to home base, very much alive.

Lexa decides on a plan. She knows the area. She knows where to go in order to make the 1500 mile trek back to home base. Even so, she'll hit an American camp at some point on her way as the United States continues to move further inland. If she can just get to a place where she can rest without being spotted by Reapers or Azgeda rebels, she can make it. She believes she can, because she has a family to go back to. She has an enemy that she needs to enact her own revenge on. Revenge and love. That is what will keep her alive, she's certain. So Lexa grits her teeth as she flips over onto her stomach. The minute her abdomen hits the ground she whimpers. It's tender from the stab wounds and broken ribs. She takes a second to control her breathing so as not to pass out. After a few moments, she uses the arm that hadn't been broken to start dragging her upper body up the tiny slope. She groans at the sensation of her stomach, only a t-shirt is separating her from the cold ground, being moved against the dirt and twigs. Her stitches constricting against the friction. She makes it a few inches and takes a second. She needs to be on level ground if she wants to get anywhere. So she grits down and yelps out as she uses both her non broken arm and her arm with the broken wrist to drag herself out of the shallow grave. When she's half way up, she surveys her surroundings, her broken ankle dangling into the grave with her other out of commission leg with the thigh stab wound. She pants from the exertion. The forest is quiet and there's nothing but trees in sight. She looks over to where her stretcher lay still and the long burned out fire pit rests. She sees her Army jacket and her pack. _Thank god they didn't take that._ Lexa tells herself to just make it to her pack and jacket and then she'll reassess situation. 

She drags herself completely out of the grave, yelping a little when her ankle lays back on the forest floor. She takes a breather and then starts up again. She pushes through the aching pain until she's in reach of her pack and jacket. She makes herself prop her back up on the slab of rock her stretcher is laying on to get air in her lungs. She looks down at her torso and sees the blood soaking through her t-shirt. She gingerly lifts up her shirt and sees the injuries clearly for the first time. A bone from one of her ribs is protruding out. She has two lengthy stab wounds on the right side of her abdomen. Most of the stitches are still in place but a few have popped out, causing the bleeding. The area around it is streaked with angry red marks, a sign that it's possibly infected already. She groans and looks up briefly at the sky. She then strains herself to reach for her pack. She opens it up and slowly rummages through it to see if maybe she had packed some medical supplies. She doesn't find anything but an extra t-shirt, the MRE, a blanket, letters from Clarke and Aden, ammunition. That's when she realizes something. The bastard took her wedding ring and dog tags. Lexa curses through her gritted teeth. Thinking of Quint having possession of her wedding ring makes her stomach churn. All the more reason to walk into home base and take it back from him, while simultaneously kicking his ass.

Lexa grabs her Army jacket that still has rips in the back from the stab wounds. She throws it on and zips it up, knowing the added protection should help with not opening more of her stitches. She sees her canteen is a foot away and praises her luck and Quint's stupidity. She crawls over with a grunt and snatches it up. It's empty. She knows if she is going to get anywhere she needs to make it down to the river bank. The bank is about two miles or so away and Lexa is fairly certain that Quint lied about there being a horde of Reaper soldiers. Lexa slowly puts her pack onto her raw and torn up back. She takes one last look at her surroundings and the shallow grave that now lies empty, and begins dragging herself once more. She keeps her teeth gritted and fights through the screaming pain as she continuously drags herself across the forest floor. After a few yards she stops. She's panting and sweating up a storm already from the ministrations. She decides to create a splint for her wrist, hoping maybe that will ease one part of her very injured body. She grabs two slender sticks and decides to untie the bandage around her thigh to secure the sticks on either side of her wrist. She figures her thigh is stitched and the way she's been crawling and dragging, it barely touches the forest floor. She shakily makes the makeshift splint and already feels a sense of relief. Just as she's about to start crawling again she hears branches breaking in the distance. Tucked behind a tree, she glances a peek on the other side of the trunk. Reapers. About 5 of them. They clearly haven't spotted her and don't look to be searching for American soldiers. They're just simply walking and talking to one another, laughing occasionally. Lexa leans back against the tree trunk and closes her eyes for a second. She takes a deep breath and thanks the heavens above for the thick forest before laying on her stomach again.

She's able to silently drag herself away from the Reaper soldiers without them knowing. She hides behind large tree trunks, takes a peek, then begins moving a few yards, takes another peek, and repeats. When their backs are to her, she sighs and continues on her way, adrenaline pumping through her body making her forget about the pain briefly. She makes it to the somewhat large slope that leads her to the river bank. It's mostly clear of rocks and large sticks. There's still patches of snow that cover the slope and Lexa decides her best bet would be to maneuver her way onto the patches of snow that are untouched. She can't keep things sterile, but she can at least attempt to. Years of being Clarke's nursing study buddy paying off in this moment. She begins to bring herself to the patches of snow, the cold helping numb her abdomen, giving her some relief. She continues to glide across the snow until she reaches the pebbled shore of the river. She turns over onto her back, exasperated from the trek. She attempts to steady her breathing and uses her non-splinted hand to wipe the sweat from her forehead. She made it down. She knows she's sweating the little bit of water she had in her system out and decides to try and drink once more. After a few deep breaths, she turns back over onto her stomach and drags herself towards the shoreline. She makes it and begins greedily scooping the cold fresh river water up into her cupped hands. She brings it to her lips and it already soothes her cracked bloody lips. It pours down her throat and soothes her esophagus, until it gets to her trachea and she feels the burning sensation and it leaking out of her. She sputters and coughs a little, trying to clear the airway of water. Once she's gotten herself under control she closes her eyes to think. She thinks about what Clarke would do if there were a gaping hole in someone's windpipe. Searching her mental rolodex she finally finds the answer.

She drags her body back towards the forest to find a slim stick. She grabs dried moss and secures it at the end of the thin stick, rolling it to make it look like a miniature cotton candy stick you'd get at the fair. She then searches to find two rocks that she can spark together. She finds two perfect rocks and attempts to sit up straight. She slowly retrieves her backpack from on her back and opens it up. She grabs one box of ammunition and pulls out a bullet. She uses her teeth to open the shell casing on the bullet to reveal the gunpowder. She takes the gun powder and generously begin sprinkling it onto the trachea wound. She can feel the stickiness of blood and the mangled flesh underneath her fingertips as she dabs the gunpowder in place. She then sets the mossy stick near the two rocks so it can catch a spark. She hits the rocks together at an angle. She repeats and repeats. After about twenty minutes a spark flies out but misses the dried moss. She grunts in dissatisfaction but goes back to her task. Finally after forty-five minutes from when she started, a large spark lands right onto the dried moss. Lexa instantaneously lightly blows to help excel the flame. Soon it's burning brightly. She mentally celebrates with a loud 'yes'. She then remembers that this flame is about to ignite the gunpowder and swallows. She sits up straighter than before and feels the strain on her abdomen once more. She shakily brings the lit moss stick towards her throat. Inch by inch she gets closer to the mangled flesh. It finally touches the powder and with a slightly loud pop, Lexa feels it burn and fuse the flesh back together. She yelps in surprise and pain and then everything goes dark.

She comes to and finds herself on her back once again. She can smell the charred flesh and brings her hand up to trace her fingertips over the wound. It's sticky and she can tell some of the flesh burned off, but it's closed together. She has a burning sensation in her throat, and knows it's from the mixture of pain and thirst. Once she gathers herself, she makes her way back towards the river bank. She does the same actions as before and brings her cupped hand up to her mouth. The water goes down her throat and Lexa feels the cooling sensation it brings. It gets passed her trachea without leaking out, although a burning sensation accompanies it. Lexa doesn't care though, because she can already feel herself getting stronger just from the hand-cupped full of water entering her throat. After spending five minutes scooping water into her mouth, she crawls back over to the canteen and fills it to the brink and drinks it all down. She refills it and puts the lid back on it. She studies her surroundings. She needs to travel with the current of the river to take her towards home base. But before she does that, she needs to rest her body and attempt to keep her wounds clean. She hooks her canteen onto her pack and begins dragging herself down the bank, looking for somewhere she can camp, hidden. After about thirty yards she finds a tiny crevasse hidden in rock. She inspects it and decides that it's hidden enough and chooses it as her resting place for the evening. 

She sets her pack down in the crevasse and tries to find salve leaves she knows are common in the nation of Weather. It won't do much but it'll help stave off anymore infections and keep the swelling and irritation down. She crawls towards the forest once more and begins rooting around, trying to find the leaves. She finds about twelve and pockets them in her jacket. She makes her way back to her home for the evening and leans up against the rock wall. She slowly removes her jacket and then her t-shirt. She feels the biting cold hit her exposed skin and shivers, goosebumps forming on her skin. Lexa beings spitting on the leaves and crushing it up in her hands, trying to make a sort of paste. She inspects the injuries she can see and uses the paste on the wounds that are most critical. She decides to lather the paste on most of her back. She grits her teeth and tries moving her body so she can reach the expanse of her back. She feels the broken bone in her ribs, straining against the skin it's protruding out of. Lexa groans in pain at the action but knows she needs to lather her back as those are where most of her stab wounds are. She tries again and begins rubbing the small of her back with the paste. She then changes her position and moves her arms so she can get the top of her back. When she does this she feels another stitch pop from her abdomen. She looks down and sees the trickle of blood running down her stomach, stopping when it gets to the waistband of her combat pants. She swipes it with her thumb and waits for the wound to begin bleeding again. Nothing else trickles out and Lexa makes a mental note to try and rip some of the fabric of the blanket in her bag to wrap around her torso to help protect the stitches and the broken bone protruding out.

After getting most of her back with the paste, she puts her t-shirt back on and zips her Army jacket up to her neck. She grabs the blanket from in her pack and drapes it over herself. She then uses her pack as a pillow and slowly makes her way to lay on her side. It's painful at first, but once she settles the pain begins to subside. She can tell the sun is already beginning to set and her eyelids grow heavy, the events of the day pulling her into a deep deep slumber.

//

_Lexa and Clarke lay in their bedroom in their apartment. They're both on their sides facing each other. Lexa keeps her hand on Clarke's big stomach and feels her unborn child moving. She caresses the spot to soothe her future child. Clarke is staring at her as Lexa keeps her eyes focused on the exposed skin. Lexa has been feeling more and more nervous about being a parent as Clarke's due date approaches. She's been locking herself away to study and taking lots of extra shifts at the café down the street where she works. Facing the fact that she'll soon have someone who has part of her DNA, someone who will look up to her, someone she is completely responsible for, is daunting._

_"What are you thinking about?" Clarke rasps, her voice tired from the days events. Lexa looks up at the voice and meets those blue eyes she melts in every time her eyes meet them. She shakes her head and shrugs._

_"Nothing." Lexa says. She then begins zoning out on a spot on the wall behind Clarke's head. She's broken from her reverie when Clarke scoots closer and begins caressing her cheek and stroking her hair._

_"Tell me." Clarke whispers. Lexa meets her eyes and she feels the comfort. The safety in them._

_"I'm scared." Lexa whispers. Clarke's eyes soften and she continues caressing Lexa's cheek._

_"What scares you?" Clarke whispers, never taking her eyes off of Lexa._

_"What if i'm not good enough? What if I do it all wrong?" Lexa rhetorics. Clarke leans forward and places a lingering chaste kiss on Lexa's lips. She just barely pulls away from her face to speak her next words._

_"Then we'll be wrong and not good enough together. Always." Clarke whispers._

Lexa's eyes slowly open. She feels more exhausted than she did the day before. Something she knows is not a good sign. The dream-or memory, she had of Clarke makes her heart ache. She wants to be back with her and Aden so bad. She wants Clarke right there in front of her, caressing her cheek just as she had done so long ago in that memory. But a small small part of her wonders if it'll be possible. Her body is growing weaker and weaker, will it really be possible for her to make it back to home base? No. She can't think like this. She made a promise to Clarke. She would come back to her, and that's what she's going to do. Her eyes adjust to the brightness and she attempts to sit up. One thing she will say, her body isn't screaming out in pain as much as it had been. She peeks out into the sunlight and gathers that it's about noon.

After getting her bearings, she begins to go down her mental list. She needed to protect her stitches, that much is certain. She grabs the blanket and begins ripping it with her teeth. She takes off her jacket and shirt once more, the breeze makes her shiver. She inspects the wounds once again on her abdomen. Some of the swelling has gone down due to the salve but she can still see the red marks. The bruising on her broken ribs is black, barely any blue or yellow. She reminds herself to make an icepack later with some snow to help. She adds the remainder of the salve and puts it on her abdomen. She then wraps the fabric of the blanket slowly around her torso. She ties a knot to keep it in place, then puts her shirt and jacket back on. She stuffs the rest of the blanket into her pack. After that, she grabs the MRE she had been given the morning they had left. She opens the brown package and looks through it. She decides she'll nibble on the saltine crackers. She relaxes and nibbles on the crackers, it slightly stinging as it goes down her throat. She takes big gulps of water and soon, she's starting to feel a lot better than she had when she awoken.

She decides to look at her ankle. She slowly unties her boot, making sure not to jostle the injury. She slips it off with a loud grunt and studies the injury. It had been a compound fracture for sure, the bone having pierced through her skin when it snapped. She can see where they set it and stitched the opening where the bone had poked through. It's completely purple, blue, black, and incredibly swollen. She decides she needs to stabilize it more by doing the same thing she had done for her wrist. She puts her boot back on without tying it and begins to crawl her way out of the crevasse. She's soon back on the pebble shore and drags herself back to the beginning of the forest. She finds two sticks and puts them into her mouth, dragging her body back to the crevasse where the blanket lay tucked in her pack. Once back in, she grabs the fabric back out and rips a long thin sheet of it with her teeth once more. She then places both sticks on either side of her ankle and begins wrapping it. She feels the sting of it being completely set and wills herself not to pass out again from the pain. She cries out when she finally ties it up into a knot. Getting the ankle back into the boot proves to be a much harder task and she's nearly on the verge of throwing up by the time it's in. She cinches up her laces to make sure it stays in place and soon it's stabilized. She decides that now it's fairly stable, she should look for a large walking stick, knowing that if she's able to at least limp or even make crutches, it would help exponentially.

She puts her things back into her pack and puts it on her back. She then crawls out of the crevasse in search of a large enough branch. Before Lexa goes searching she heads towards the shoreline to refill her canteen. She drags herself over to the bank and begins filling it. She then spots them. About 15 Reaper soldiers, guns firmly at their sides, combat uniforms pristinely in place. They were hanging just before the forest hits the pebbled beach. Lexa's heart begins racing and she quickly deposits her canteen into her pack before dragging herself back over to the crevasse. Right as she is covered by the rock they break from the forest and begin walking around the beach, spreading out. Lexa knows for sure they will catch her if she stays where she is. She begins dragging herself backwards towards the river. A Reaper is getting closer and closer to the crevasse as Lexa scrambles to get her body into the river. Right as she feels the cold river envelope her legs and the current begin to drag her, the Reaper spots her.

Lexa hears the Reaper shout at the other soldiers as the current begins to drag her entire body in. Before she knows it, bullets are whizzing at her. She takes a deep breath and ducks under the water. Her brain feels numb instantly from the ice cold water. She opens her eyes and watches as bullets fly past her in the water. One bullet flies just past her chest and she mentally panics as the bullets keep flying. After being under water for quite a few seconds she remerges. She looks and the Reapers are far away now, stuck on the shoreline and not being able to reach her with bullets. She feels the current of the river begin to drag her and she searches for anything to hold on to. She keeps kicking her feet, thankful that water is low impact, to stay afloat. She happens across a medium sized log as she continues being dragged down the river. She grabs ahold of the log and clings to it for dear life. Her entire body is numb from the cold water and she isn't sure if there's anyway to get out of the river.

She starts to feel the current pick up and she realizes what's up ahead. A large waterfall is fast approaching. Lexa panics, struggling to hold onto the log as the current gets faster and begins to sweep her body underwater. Lexa knows this is probably the end of the road for her. This is it. There's no way in hell she could survive the drop, not know what the depth is and not to mention the state her body already is in. She can hear the loud sounds of the waterfall as she sputters to keep afloat. Suddenly the log is ripped away from her and she's kicking and moving her arms. Water being swallowed and spit out, then she's free falling. A rain of roaring water cascading down on her and the last thought she thinks is of Clarke's blue eyes. The eyes her son shares, then she hits the water and everything goes dark.

//

She comes to laying on her back in shallow water. She's right by the shore and the sun is blinding her eyes. She spits up some water that's mixed with blood and begins maneuvering her body out of the water. When she hits the now sandy shoreline she instantly starts stripping herself of her clothes. She takes off her pack, then her drenched Army jacket, her t-shirt, and the wrapped fabric of the ripped blanket . She struggles a little taking off her pants and underwear but eventually removes them until her entire body is exposed. She then reaches in her pack and grabs the ripped blanket and curls up, teeth chattering and body shaking as she tries and get warm. Soon sleep pulls her into its inviting arms.

_"Mama! Help!" Aden squeaks as the tide starts to envelope his tiny 4 year old legs. Lexa jogs into the surf and hoists him up in the air by his arms as he giggles happily. Lexa laughs heartily at the happiness as she swings him around. She then brings him up so he can wrap his legs from the side of her waist. He looks at her and gives her a toothy smile. "Thanks for saving me, Mama." Lexa smiles._

_"You're welcome little man." Lexa places a kiss on his pink cheeks. "You wanna walk out together?"_

_"No! I'm scared!" He whines and buries his face into Lexa's neck. Lexa rubs his back and kisses his head._

_"I promise I won't let go of you." Lexa tells him. He picks his head up with blue eyes shining._

_"You swear?" His tiny voice asks. Lexa nods and moves her hand to cross her heart._

_"I swear." He searches her eyes to find any hint of a lie then nods his head. Lexa starts walking out into the ocean with Aden clinging to her. She never let go._

Lexa awakens once more from a memory. It's dark out now. Her body isn't as freezing as it once was. She lifts the blanket and looks down at her naked form. Her stitches are still luckily intact. The dried blood from the attack that riddled her body has been wiped away, giving her a better idea of what her injuries truly look like. The red marks on her abdomen are gone and Lexa sighs in relief that at least those wounds weren't actually infected. She sits up and mentally pats herself on the back for her two splint jobs, both have held in place, even with a large drop off a waterfall. She drags herself to her now dried clothing and dresses slowly. Her body still feels week and aching, but she can tell it's getting better. Or it seems to be healing some. She moves to her pack and looks inside for the MRE. She grabs the opened brown package and studies the contents once more. She decides on the dried fruit and begins snacking on it as she sips her canteen. As she eats she studies her surroundings once more. There's no forest but a pasture up a little slope. She's virtually out in the open now. Honestly at this point, she doesn't care. She's mentally and physically exhausted to move around somewhere else. She decides she'll figure out where she is in relation to home base in the morning.

Once she's eaten she starts to settle in, foregoing making a fire because even if she doesn't care right now where she's at, she'll definitely care is Reaper soldiers find her. As she begins to lay down she hears a horde of footsteps in the pasture. She decides to investigate and drags her body up the slope, the sight that she witnesses before her is absolutely stunning.

Buffalo are grazing in the pasture. The light of the moon illuminating the sight. The stars are so bright and Lexa's almost certain she sees a meteor shower in the distance. She watches what looks like a family of buffalo moving around one another. Looking at the horizon, it's so hard to tell where the sky ends and the earth begins. She wonders how people can see sights like these and not want peace. How the war keeps raging on when sights like the one in front of her exist. She then rolls over onto her back and looks up at the billions of stars shining down on her. She studies the different patterns and constellations that have formed in the sky. The different histories of what each constellation meant to different ancient civilizations. The gods and goddesses that accompany them. She thinks about her history students and how they are doing. If the one in her place is keeping up with her rules or has decided to be the 'fun sub' and never really teaches them anything. This launches her into thinking about home. Has Mrs. Johnson discovered that Lexa use to steal roses from her front garden almost every morning? Did Mr. Wilder finally finish restoring that piece of junk car that's been sitting in his driveway for as long as Lexa can remember? Is her father's business picking up? Has Abby broken ground on some of the research she's wanted to do at the hospital? Is Jake back consistently working at his engineering firm? Has Anya finally proposed to Raven? Is Octavia pregnant like she has been trying to be? Clarke. What is Clarke doing at this moment? Lexa guesses it'd be day time there. She's probably fixing Aden something to eat. They're probably singing together to the radio or joking about one thing or another. She knows that eventually they will tell Clarke she's dead. Her heart aches knowing the anguish that will put on her wife. She hopes Clarke can sense it though. That she's still alive and trying to come home to her, Aden, and their unborn daughter. That she's not giving up no matter the circumstances.

Lexa drifts off to sleep on that slope, once more getting lost in a memory with her beloved family. 


	6. Grief Is The Price We Pay For Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of depression, postpartum depression and slight child neglect. This one is fairly emotional so let me know what you think! Next chapter should be up this evening.

"Can you pick up Lia from the Lancaster's and stay over tonight at the house? I have a very late shift." Clarke says into the phone that is wedged in-between her ear and shoulder as she writes vitals down on a chart. She hears a long frustrated sigh on the other end. The sounds of the hospital fill her other ear. The beeping of different machines, the squeaky wheels of a wheelchair or roll-away bed, various people coughing. 

"Clarke. This is the fourth day in a row. Not even that, you've been doing this for weeks. You're going to burn out." Octavia says exasperated. Clarke can hear the silent lesson she's trying to get across. You're not grieving properly. But she needs to work. She has two kids at home and it's now only her salary that they are living off of. She has a mortgage, utility bills, groceries, everyday essentials that she alone has to pay for now. Clarke clenches her jaw as she stops writing on the chart.

"Can you do it or not?" Clarke snaps. She hears a sigh.

"Yeah I can. Lincoln will stay with me and the kids tonight. What time does the shift end?" Octavia relents. Clarke starts writing again as she thinks about when the shift ends. Technically it end at two am but Clarke is planning on pushing it to six am. 

"Six. You don't have to stay for the day. I'll call my dad and have him stay with Lia while i'm sleeping." Clarke then sees the light of a patient needing assistance in one of the rooms. She waits for Octavia's reply before letting her know that she has to go. Once Octavia confirms Clarke hangs up the phone starts walking to the room. It's Mrs. Davis, a neighbor of hers who was admitted after having a heart attack. She slightly hates going into her room because she just looks at Clarke with nothing but pity and sympathy. She doesn't need anymore of that right now. She just needs to get her job done, sleep, then do it all over again. It's how she's surviving. So she goes into Mrs. Davis room, avoids her eyes as she helps her to the bathroom, checks her pace maker, then lets her know to hit the button if she needs anything else. She exits and makes her way back to the nurses station to fill more charts and wait for more patient lights to turn on. As the night settles in, she changes a few bedpans, administers pain medicine when needed, has conversations with the ones who are not from around here. Soon it's quiet, most of the patients have fallen asleep. Clarke sighs and starts eating her sandwich at the nurses station. She flips through more charts double checking and triple checking that everything is correct. She does every mindless task throughout the night to keep her mind off of having to go home to an essentially lifeless house.

Soon enough, six am rolls around and after doing one last check up on everyone on her floor, she heads home. Before getting into her car she shoots her father a text to be at the house to watch Lia and help Aden get ready for school. He replies that he's leaving now and Clarke lays her head back on the head rest for a minute, taking a deep breath. She closes her eyes and sees a brief flash of green eyes, then reopens them. She clenches her jaw and takes one more deep breath before starting the car. She drives down the streets, people getting ready to go to work entering their vehicles and waving to Clarke. Clarke just smiles politely at every wave before finally getting to her home. Her father's car already parked in the driveway, Octavia and Lincoln's long gone. Clarke stares at the home for a minute. It looks so unchanged from the outside, no one would ever know how different the atmosphere is inside. Clarke shuts off the engine and grabs her bag on the passenger seat before exiting the vehicle. She enters the house and finds her father sitting on the couch reading a book-one of Lexa's books with the TV off. For some reason this makes Clarke a little irritated. 

"Can you put that back please?" Clarke snaps a little. Jake looks up, a little surprised at Clarke's tone. Reluctantly he nods and gets up to put the book back in its spot on the book shelf. Clarke makes her way into the kitchen to deposit her bag on the kitchen table. Jake isn't far behind her.

"How long you planning to sleep today?" Jake asks as he makes his way to the coffee maker to make himself a cup. Clarke hums, thinking about the question as she goes to the fridge for a glass of orange juice.

"Probably till one or two." Clarke replies shortly. She grabs the carton and makes her way over to the cabinet for a glass. Once she retrieves the glass she begins pouring the contents out of the carton.

"You don't have another shift tonight do you?" Jake asks pointedly from behind the coffee mug. Clarke nods.

"It's at three." Clarke replies. Jake sets his mug down, making a loud clanking noise as Clarke avoids her father's eyes.

"Clarke. Your mom says she looked and you're clocking in more hours than the surgeons. You haven't seen your kids in days. Maybe even weeks. What's going on in that head of yours kiddo?" Jake walks over to Clarke to stand next to her. Clarke shakes her head, already getting frustrated with the conversation as she turns to look at her father.

"Nothing is going on. I need to work." Clarke uses the same excuse she's been using since she went back to work. Jake's eyes soften.

"You and I both know that's not true. Mom and I already offered to pay off your house and car payments. You don't need to be working yourself into the ground and you know it. So i'm going to ask again, what is going on?" Jake stares at Clarke. Clarke challenges him with her own glare.

"Noth-ing." Clarke says almost with a snarl. She's tired of everyone questioning her. She's tired of everyone pitying her. She's tired of the emptiness in her heart. She's just tired. Jake backs down though from the challenge with a sigh. He runs his fingers through his long blonde hair and walks back over to pick up his mug. Clarke turns to grab her orange juice and sip on it. A silence falls over the father and daughter, both just sipping their drinks. Finally, Jake speaks up again.

"The school hasn't been able to reach you. They called your mom and I. Aden hasn't been speaking. He doesn't talk to us either. Octavia says she hasn't gotten him to speak either when she's here. They're worried. Frankly, i'm worried." Jake says. Clarke sighs and sets her glass down and turns to face her father.

"It's just a trait he inherited from her." Clarke shrugs off. Jake gives her a knowing look.

"Now you and I both know that is one of the only traits he never picked up from Lexa." Jake says. Clarke visibly clenches her jaw at the mention of Lexa's name. Clarke shakes her head. 

"If he doesn't want to speak, i'm not going to make him. So everyone can do us all a favor and back the fuck off." Clarke snarls. She's frankly over this conversation. She doesn't care if she's being rude. She just wanted to finish her juice and go to bed. Not analyze what Aden's thinking and being judged for how she's been parenting since the news. Jake flinches at Clarke's words and he softens his approach. He shakes his head at his daughter's anger, knowing that it's misplaced. She's not really angry at him or everyone else. She's angry at the world. At the situation. At the fact that Lexa is gone and not coming home. 

Jake sighs. "Finish your juice and go to bed. I got the kids." He relents. 

"I plan on it." She says shortly before downing the rest of her glass and walking to the sink. She sets the glass in and wordlessly moves to walk up the steps. She makes her way to the steps and quietly walks up them. She decides to peek into Aden's room to make sure he's still asleep. She opens his door quietly and looks in. He's curled in a fetal position, his blankets thrown in every which way. He's curled around the raccoon and his jaw twitches every now and then. It's the first time she's laid her eyes on him in a few days. He shifts a little in the bed and her eyes fall on the dog tags they received about two weeks ago around his neck. That's all they got. An 'i'm sorry' letter and some dog tags. Clarke clenches her jaw and sighs. She knows at some point she will have to address him not speaking to anyone. She knows deep down her father is right, it is worrisome. But she also knows he's grieving and she doesn't want to judge him on how he grieves while everyone else is doing the same thing to her. She finally shuts his door and makes her way to peek into the nursery. She goes in and looks into the crib. It's better to see her when she's asleep. She hates admitting to herself that she doesn't like seeing her daughter when she's awake. Because then she sees those eyes and her lips and chin. She knows it's a bad thought, she knows if she admits it out loud people will worry. So she avoids her newborn. When she cries, Clarke calls other people to take care of it. When she just can't handle looking at her, she takes her to the Lancaster's with an excuse that she has errands to run. It's not healthy and she knows it but she can't figure out how to approach it, so she avoids it.

She exits the nursery and heads to her room. It's dark, the shades still drawn since that very first day. She doesn't flip on a light as she just strips out of her scrubs and climbs into the cold sheets in just her underwear. She rests her head on the pillow and looks over at the empty side of the king size bed. She sighs and bites her lip. She reaches over with her arm and begins to run her hand along the empty spot. She continues with the movement until her eyes grow heavy and she falls asleep, dreaming of nothing but darkness.

//

It's Saturday and Clarke plans to spend her entire day and half the evening at the hospital. Her dad has just retired from his engineering firm and has most of his days freed up, causing Clarke to work more than she already had been. She barely sees Aden or Lia, and when she does it's either when she's going to sleep or waking up to go to work. Her father hasn't tried talking to her about it again, although her mother tries and makes subtle comments whenever she's the one babysitting the kids. She usually ignores it and goes straight to bed. She needs to keep working and going. She knows what she is doing is bad but she can't help it. Because if she stops...it becomes real. She can't afford for it to become real because she knows what will happen if it does. The thoughts she has in the back of her mind will come to the forefront and she won't be able to handle it. So she works and looks like a bad mother in everyone's eyes or like a hardworking mother in other's. 

Clarke is making the rounds to the patients on her wing for the day. It's been quite busy, something she likes because then she doesn't have to stop and find mindless tasks to occupy her mind. She walks down the corridor, looking for one of the doctors to hand a patient file to when she spots a familiar face. He's shaking hands with the doctor she's looking for. Clarke lets a small smile play on her lips from seeing her old childhood friend.

"Wells Jaha. You don't write, you don't call..." Clarke says. Wells turns around and flashes Clarke a big grin. She hasn't seen him since the end of middle school when he moved away with his father. They lost contact sometime in High School. He's tall now, broad shouldered and handsome. She'll always see him as a big goofy nerd though. 

"Clarke Griffin? Wow, you look pretty much the same." He says. He pulls her into a hug as the doctor Clarke was looking for watches on. They step out of the embrace and Clarke remembers what she had come over for. She looks over at the doctor and hands him the file. He smiles and takes the file before departing, telling Wells and Clarke they should catch up. Wells asks if she has time to go to the cafeteria and she looks down at her watch, she hasn't taken a break in hours so she could spare some time for her old friend. They walk to the cafeteria and grab some coffee before finding a seat. Clarke sips her coffee and smiles.

"So what are you doing back here?" Clarke asks. 

"I'm just here for a conference with other doctors. My wife also wanted to see where I was born and grew up, all that good stuff." He says, his smile growing bigger at the mention of his wife. Clarke smiles, absolutely thrilled that Wells got married.

"How long have you guys been married?" Clarke leans forward, genuinely interested.

"About five years now. Her name is Lena, we met in college and dated for a long while before getting married. I think you guys would actually get along quite well." Wells says. Clarke smiles.

"That's amazing Wells! I'm so happy for you, although i'm a little sad I didn't get an invite." Clarke pretends to pout. Wells laughs and shakes his head.

"It was a small wedding. Like no friends, just close family. Plus, I didn't get an invite to your wedding with Woods. How is she anyways?" Wells asks. Clarke feels her heart stop. Hearing someone for the first time talk about her like she's still here, is throwing her for a loop. Her face falls visibly as she feels so many different emotions going through her brain and body. Of course he doesn't know, and now she has to tell him. She has to say the words out loud for the first time. Wells notices her demeanor change and puts his hand on hers.

"Did you guys divorce?" He asks cautiously. Clarke just shakes her head and swallows the lump in her throat.

"She uh-she. She passed. I just got word a couple months ago." Clarke stutters out. Wells softens and squeezes her hand as Clarke looks down at the table.

"I'm so sorry Clarke. If I would have known...god that's terrible. Is it okay if I ask how? If not, we can just drop it." Wells gives her a reassuring smile. Clarke nods and looks back up into his eyes and kind smile. He deserves to know. Him and Lexa got along great growing up. Clarke would say they were friends although the two would never openly admit it. They got along by playing chess and talking history and nature. Clarke swallows once more and wills herself to explain what had happened to her.

"She was killed. Overseas. Killed in action actually, back in March is what they say." Clarke says, her voice cracking a little. Wells nods and grows somber. He leans back in his chair, taking in the news. Clarke watches as his throat bobs, and several different emotions cross his face. He bites his lip and shakes his head.

"Damn. I didn't realize she was in the military." He says, his voice smaller than it had been. Clarke shakes her head.

"No she wasn't. She got drafted around this time last year. She teaches-teached history at the middle school." Clarke says. She feels the weight settling in on her chest as the conversation continues. Wells nods and stays silent, clearly grieving his old friend. Clarke bites her lip, not really knowing where to go from the conversation. They sit in silence for awhile, just sipping their coffees. Clarke can tell Wells is getting a little emotional about it. Probably playing back memories of him and Lexa. She clenches her jaw and turns away from him, not wanting to intrude on his private thoughts.

"Man-" His voice cracks. He subtlety wipes a couple tears coming from his eye as he sits up straight. "This wasn't what I was expecting. I actually wanted to look you guys up, go out together with Lena. She's heard so many stories about you two. I told her if she wanted to see what true love looked like, you guys would be it." His voice is shaky as he finishes. Clarke just nods, biting the inside of her cheek to keep from every emotion she's been pushing away from booming to the surface. She takes a deep breath and sits up straight. She then gives him a sad smile.

"Well, I don't get out much these days. Lots of work here to be done." She tries switching the subject. Wells notices and nods, wiping his remaining tears away. They then launch into what the conference is about, where he lives now, what's his specialty, how each of their parents are. She learns the conference is about heart disease, he lives in California now, his specialty is cardio, and his father has remarried and lives in Washington State now. The conversation lulls then until Wells seems to remember something.

"You got a child right? I remember when I last spoke to your parents many years ago they said you were pregnant." Wells says brightly. Clarke nods her head and smiles.

"I have two actually now. Aden was the one I was pregnant with then. I also have a daughter now, Lia." Clarke says. Wells smiles and nods. "Do you have kids?" Clarke asks. He shakes his head.

"Not yet. We're both busy and didn't feel ready a few years ago. But we've been talking about it more recently." Wells replies. Clarke nods and smiles, she then brings her coffee back up to her lips and sips. "So how old are they?" Wells asks.

"Lia is a newborn. She's almost four months now. Aden's eight." Clarke then pauses. Oh no. Oh no oh no. He's not eight anymore. His birthday was three days ago. Three days ago she worked all day and all night. She forgot. She forgot her sons birthday. Her grieving sons birthday, and she left him alone. "He's-he's nine actually...i'm sorry. I-uh I have to go." Clarke scoots her chair and begins standing. Wells looks confused but nods anyways. 

"Is everything okay?" He asks. Clarke shakes her head as she pushes her chair back in.

"No, just me about to win the worst mother of the year award. I'm sorry, if you have time you can look me up and we can do dinner with you and your wife. But I really have to go. It was great seeing you Wells." Clarke says. He gives her a quick goodbye and Clarke is slightly jogging towards the nurses station. She grabs her things in a rush and no nurse or doctor questions why she's leaving. Frankly, they've been trying to get her to leave for hours now. She rushes to clock out and get into her car. It's evening now, around Aden's bedtime. She feels absolutely terrible for forgetting her child's birthday. She clenches her jaw, not even sure on how she'll be able to explain it to him or even to her parents. She hasn't seen them or talked to them in days and she can bet they are probably staging an intervention at the very moment. She won't even blame them and will let them take her away, because she missed Aden's ninth birthday. Not only has one parent involuntarily missed his birthday, his other parent voluntarily missed his birthday. God, she is a shit mother she thinks. She has been doing this all wrong. She thinks about how worried Lexa had been about doing things wrong as a parent and it turns out she was pretty much perfect and Clarke is the shitty mother. Clarke bitterly laughs at the irony of the situation. She feels her chest tighten as her emotions start to come to the forefront. She can't do it while driving. 

She hastily makes it home and barely has the car shut off before she's opening the door. She jogs up the porch steps and bounds into the house, startling both her mother and father that are in the living room watching television. Clarke looks around for any sign of Aden. Her parents look at her wide eyed, clearly able to tell that she's realized she missed Aden's birthday. Jake stands and goes over to her.

"He's upstairs. He just went up about thirty minutes ago." Jake replies tenderly. Clarke's eyes begin to water as her lip trembles and she nods. She then takes a deep breath and starts walking up the staircase. She's not even sure what to tell him. How do you explain to your child that you forgot their birthday? How do you explain something like that when you were the one who gave birth to them? She gets to his bedroom door and can see his light is still on. Clarke closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. She lightly knocks on the door but doesn't expect a response. He still wasn't speaking to anyone. Clarke slowly opens the door and looks in. He's laying in his bed, reading one of his books intently. He briefly looks up at her but then returns his eyes back to the book in front of him. Clarke sighs and steps fully into his room, shutting the door behind her. She silently makes her way over to his bed and sits down. He doesn't take his eyes off his book. Clarke sighs once more, feeling absolutely worse as he continues to ignore her existence.

She lets the words just flow out of her. No filtering. No bullshit. No pushing the emotions away. Honesty.

"I don't know how to do this." Clarke starts, her voice already cracking. "I don't know what's suppose to happen from now on. I had a plan. We had a plan. Then that day-it just...blew up. And that's no excuse, I know. I'm not excusing my actions. Everything I have been doing is wrong. I just-god. I'm so sorry baby." Clarke finally says, letting her tears fall down her cheeks. Aden clenches his jaw but then sets his book aside. He then turns his blue eyes to Clarke's own. They look lost and sad. He has bags under his eyes and he's pale. Something Clarke hasn't taken notice of before. Clarke lets out a sob, realizing how bad she's pushed him away. Pushed Lia away. His eyes begin to water, clearly hating seeing Clarke cry. "I'm so sorry." Clarke says as she envelopes him into a hug. He reciprocates and Clarke can feel some tears wetting her scrub top. They hold one another for awhile, Clarke closing her eyes and relishing in it. After awhile, he finally speaks.

"I miss her." His voice is small and fragile. Clarke feels her heart shattering at his admission. She pulls away from him and looks at his broken eyes. She brushes his light brown hair and caresses his cheek. 

"Me too." Clarke whispers. He nods and then grabs ahold of Clarke's hand.

"Mom? It's okay you know. You can be sad and stay home. You don't always have to go to work." Aden says simply. Clarke nods, knowing that that's what she needs to do. She squeezes his hand and gives him a sad smile.

"I'm going to be here from now on. Whatever you need, i'll give it to you." Aden nods and then looks down at their clasped hands. Clarke just watches him for a moment. She feels that coil in her chest unraveling and knows it'll explode soon. "I'm sorry I missed your birthday bud." 

He looks up at her and gives her a sad smile. "It's okay." He shrugs. Clarke shakes her head.

"No it's not. It's not okay and I don't want you to try and justify it. It's not okay and it's okay if you are mad or sad about it. You have every right to be. You want to yell at me? Go ahead, you yell and scream at me. Whatever you need." Clarke tells him earnestly. He frowns and looks back at their hands before looking back up with watery eyes once more. 

"I just-I just would really like it if Mama came back now." Aden says as tears slip down his cheeks. Clarke lets her own tears fall down as she wraps him up again. 

"Oh baby. I wish I could make that happen. You have no idea how much I wish I could do that for you. But I can't." Clarke's voice cracks as he grips her shirt. She then begins laying their bodies horizontally and just lets him cry on her, stroking his hair. Soon he falls asleep. Clarke slowly extracts herself from his hold and tucks him in. She then kisses his forehead and murmurs goodnight before shutting off his light and making her way out of the room. She goes to the nursery to see if Lia is in there. She is sound asleep in her bed and Clarke leans down and places a kiss to her head. She then moves to the guest bedroom, seeing the light is on. Her father is in there, laying on the bed with his reading glasses on, reading some sort of book. She knocks lightly on the doorjamb to signal her presence. He looks up and sets his book down.

"I'm going to head to bed. You don't have to stay here tonight if you don't want to." Clarke tells him. He nods and gives her a sympathetic smile before resuming his reading. Clarke sighs and shuts the guest bedroom door before making it into her bedroom. She shuts the door and locks it. She sighs, still facing the door with her hand on the handle. She's been trying so hard to avoid the inevitable. The realization that Lexa will truly never return. That she is a widow with two children. That she doesn't even know how to look at one of her children without wanting to crawl in bed and shut out the world. Clarke finally decides to do something she's been avoiding since the minute she got that letter. She lets go of the door handle and slowly makes her way to the closet door. She stands in front of it for a moment before opening it up. She flips on the light and closes her eyes briefly before opening them slowly. She looks around the closet. There it all sits. All of Lexa's clothing on the left side of the closet. Her shirts neatly hanging. Her shoes stacked. Her blazers and jackets. Some hats. All her clothing that she'll never wear again. Clarke takes a deep breath and steps into the closet. She faces Lexa's things and just stares at the different shirts and sweatshirts and jackets. She clenches her jaw but then remembers that she needs to let herself feel it. She's gone. She needs to feel it. Clarke brings her hand up and grabs one of the sleeves to caress with her thumb. She feels the soft fabric and remembers when Lexa had last worn the shirt. It had been their last Christmas together. She wore it when they went to get a tree. She remembers Aden riding on Lexa's shoulders and Lexa asking him to point her in the direction of the best looking tree. He guided her to one of the tallest trees at the Christmas tree farm. Clarke had made a comment that she didn't think it'd fit in their living room. Lexa was determined though and haggled the poor worker for a discount. They strapped the tree on their car and sure enough, it was able to just fit. She remembers them decorating it and laughing and joking. She remembers Lexa reading with Aden in his bed while he gripped onto the shirt. She remembers Clarke and her sitting in the chair near the window later that night. The only lights on in the house being the Christmas tree as they drank wine and watched the snow coming down. Clarke had been playing with the hem of it and Lexa had placed a kiss on her head before the two finished off their wine and went upstairs. Clarke then stripped off the shirt and she doesn't remember if she wore it ever again. 

Clarke feels everything coming to the forefront. The person she's been with since she was five is gone. She can't call her. She can't make fun of her when she gets excited about history documentaries. She can't kiss the corner of her mouth when she's in a hurry. She can't reach out to her and just graze her forearm briefly. She's gone and she's not coming back. Clarke steps forward and is hit with the smell. Lexa's smell and that's what it takes. Clarke lets it all out and wraps herself up in Lexa's clothing as she begins finally sobbing harder than she had that day. She is really and truly gone. Clarke falls to the ground in the closet and takes the shirt with her. She holds it to her nose and wraps her arms around it. She cries and cries and begins pulling more of Lexa's clothing from the hangers until she's surrounded by it. She soon curls up with the pile of clothes until she falls asleep.

//

Since that night, everything she was afraid of has begun happening. She's been staying home, but she still isn't present. Her grief and depression officially taking over her mind now. She sleeps and sleeps. She started dreaming of Lexa again and she just wants to stay there. Aden sleeps with her sometimes, the two falling into their own sort of grief/depression together after the stalemate. She's trying to reconnect with her newborn but it's still hard to look at her. Sometimes when she's having a really bad day, Aden carries himself and Lia into her bed and just hold her hand as she cries. Terrible thoughts have been entering her mind. Thinking she's a burden to her children, that they'll be better off without her. That she can't do this on her own. She's drowning and screaming and she doesn't know how to get out of it. 

It's midday and Clarke is still in bed. She hasn't called into work or gone in for two weeks. The shades are drawn and she's still in the same pajamas she put on over four days ago. She hasn't showered in that amount of time and her hair is tangled and greasy but she just doesn't care. She has awoken from a dream in which Lexa and her were in some sort of world, just being together where no one could touch them. She was startled awake from thunder outside and she's been desperately trying to get back to her dream. A glass of water Aden has been leaving on the bedside table is half empty, the plate with a sandwich he had made sits untouched though. She can't bring herself to eat anymore. She closes her eyes and wills herself to fall back asleep. The thunder continues and Clarke can hear the rain pouring outside. Soon she sees light filtering into her bedroom. She turns over to look and sees her father standing in the doorway. Clarke turns back over on her side, hoping he'll just go away. But soon she feels a weight added to the bed near her feet. 

"Mom says you haven't gone into work or at least called them in two weeks. Aden says your not eating...talk to me kiddo." Jake begins rubbing Clarke's calf soothingly. Clarke sighs and turns over. She looks into her father's eyes and knows she can trust him. She needs to let out what she's feeling. She keeps going from one extreme to the other and she doesn't know how to find a balance.

"I'm so tired." Clarke whispers. Jake nods encouragingly and gives her a small smile, trying to get her to continue."I just-I love her so much and I just want to be with her again. When I sleep I get to see her and I just think it's better to be asleep because then I don't have to be in a world without her. Because sometimes being here...sometimes I-uh I don't want to be here anymore." Clarke swallows, the admission had been weighing heavy on her mind and now it's out in the open. Jake squeezes her leg and scoots up a little on the bed.

"Oh Clarke. I know it's so hard. I know you love her...but she also loved you, so much. She wouldn't want you to do this to yourself. And I know it's easier said then done, but you can't keep trying to live in the darkness. Aden needs you. He loves you and he needs his mom, you can't let him lose another parent. Lia needs you too. I know it's been hard for you with her, because she looks so much like Lexa, but she does need you. I hate that you feel this way baby, and I wish desperately I could take away some of that pain. How about we just take little steps? I know everyone has been pushing you into different directions and we haven't stopped to help you take the little steps that you need. We've been forcing you to take giant leaps that you just were not ready for and for that I apologize. What do you say about me moving into the guest bedroom for awhile?" Jake stares at Clarke. He brings his hand up and moves some of her hair out of her face. Clarke wordlessly nods, knowing that having her father around all the time would help. 

"Let's start with just turning on the lamp. Can you sit up and do that for me?" Jake asks. Clarke nods and begins slowly sitting up. She reaches over to the lamp and turns it on. It's the first time the room has been bathed in light for awhile. She looks over at the nightstand and the letter is still sitting there. Jake notices and moves to grab it. He opens it and skims it, realizing what it is. "Is it okay if I put this some place else?" Jake asks. Clarke hesitates. She then slowly nods. Jake sets it by him before reaching over and grabbing the plate of food. He sets that on Clarke's lap. "Just one bite at a time. Doesn't matter how long it takes you, just as long as you eat some of it." Clarke picks up the sandwich and studies it for a moment. She then brings it to her lips and takes a small bite as her father continues watching. They stay like that for awhile, Clarke taking small bites of the sandwich and Jake rubbing her leg soothingly as she chews. They sit in silence  until Clarke is finished with the sandwich.

Jake gestures with his head towards the bathroom. "How about a long hot shower or bath? Then we can get you into some new pajamas." Clarke nods and he helps her stand up from the bed. Clarke waves him off when they get to the door of the bathroom. She shuts the door and starts slowly removing her clothes before turning on the shower. She stares at her ghostly reflection and wonders if she'll ever be able to feel okay again. She then enters the shower and just lets the water pour over her body. When the water starts turning cold she finally starts quickly washing her hair and body before exiting. She grabs her robe and puts it on while drying the ends of her hair with a towel. She exits the bathroom and finds new pajamas on her bed. She dresses and decides to go downstairs for the first time in days. She walks down the steps and can hear her father working on something with Aden. She can also hear Lia mumbling and squealing. She makes it into the living room and sees Aden and her father working on a model airplane. Lia is on a playmat, playing with the mobile and attempting to roll over. Aden lights up when he sees her and gives her a smile. Clarke smiles back at him and moves over to Lia. She scoops the baby up and cradles her and walks over to the couch to sit. Lia sinks into her embrace, still recognizing the warmth of her mother. She slowly begins to falls asleep as Clarke continues to hold her. Soon Aden is joining her on the couch and the three sit and watch TV. Aden's head starts to lean on Clarke's shoulder as his eye grow heavy. Jake watches the three and lets a smile form on his lips. They'll be alright.

The next day, Gustus comes over to talk with Clarke after Jake had phoned him. Gustus has been trying to get past his own grief of losing his daughter and has neglected the fact that he does have another daughter, Clarke. Clarke sits at the island as Gustus joins her. They don't say much, just picking at the food Jake had given them. 

"So I see you've been having trouble eating too." Gustus states after a few moments. Clarke chuckles slightly and looks over at the burly man. He does look thinner.

"Working on my figure." She deadpans. Gustus chuckles and nods his head. They sit in more silence and slowly begin to eat together. Lexa's absence weighing heavy in the air between the two of them. Finally Gustus begins to speak.

"You know, I thought i'd do better this time around. That I had experience in this already and i'd be able to move past the grief a lot more quickly. But i've realized that's impossible. I'm juggling from acceptance to back to being in denial and I think you are as well." Gustus turns to look at Clarke. Clarke slowly nods, elated that Gus was able to put the two extremes Clarke keeps going back and forth from into words.

"Now I just think i'm in the depression stage." Clarke mutters. Gustus puts his hand on her shoulder and squeezes.

"That comes with the acceptance phase. When people talk about the stages of grief, they don't mention that most of them blend together." Clarke nods. A silence falls over them once more. Clarke sips down her water as she tries to come up with the words that she's feeling.

"I just...I don't want to get use to her not being here. I dread the day that that happens. Everything just feels abnormal with her gone, like the world shouldn't still be turning." Clarke's voice cracks towards the end of the sentence. Gustus nods in understanding.

"You don't have to try and get use to it kid. I'm still not use to Caroline being gone and it's been over 15 years. There are some days I think I heard her laugh on the other side of the house. Other days where I thought I saw her walk around the corner of the kitchen. Losing someone you were madly in love with...you don't really ever get use to that emptiness you feel in your heart. And that's okay, Clarke. I should have came and talked to you sooner about this. Everyone else hasn't truly experienced what we're going through right now and they think we're suppose to go through the steps and then it'll be done. But it doesn't work like that. My therapist says we're going to have good days and bad days as time goes on, and soon there will be more good than bad but it doesn't mean there will never be another bad day." Gustus finishes. 

"You're going to therapy?" Clarke asks. He nods and straightens his back.

"Sometimes you have to ask for a little help. Like I said earlier, I thought i'd have more experience this time around. Much like you, I stopped taking jobs for my business and have just been locking myself away. Your mom was actually the one who came to me and told me that at least one of us needs to go see someone. She put me in touch with a great one and we've been working through things. I'm still not even a little better but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. It's faint but it's there." Gustus says. Clarke takes his words in. She could probably use therapy. Especially with the thoughts she has been having and not knowing how to approach Lia. She looks back up at Gustus and feels a little bit of the weight being lifted from her chest. She's not alone in this. He's been in her position once before and is back in it again. He's experiencing the same things Clarke is. She begins nodding absentmindedly.

"I need help."

After Gustus departs, Clarke sits to talk with both her father and mother about going to see both a psychologist and psychiatrist. Afterwards, she decides to take a walk for the first time in a long while.  It's late, she had for the first time since that day rocked Lia to sleep and Aden had been working on that model plane with her father when she left. She walks, smelling the rain on the pavement. A smell Lexa use to say was one of her favorites. She walks around the small town. She walks past the different shops that are turning their signs to closed, each shop owner giving Clarke a little wave. She walks past the church and soon she's in front of the iron gates. The very top reading 'Greenwood Cemetery' in block lettering. She checks to see if it's locked and it isn't. She pushes the squeaky gate open and begins her descent into the graveyard. She walks for a little bit, looking at all the different names and dates. Some of them she remembers passing, the other's passed long before she even existed. Families of these people having gone through the same grief. Soon she's in front of the two familiar graves. One lies full while the other lies empty.

Clarke decides to take a seat in the wet grass in front of Lexa's headstone. There are beautiful flowers and cards that have been placed on her grave. People paying their respects to the fallen soldier. She stares for awhile at the headstone. As much as the pain and depression has taken over, it still doesn't feel real to her. She still thinks in the back of her mind that she's going to just show up one day and grab her and kiss her senseless. She had told Clarke she'd always come back to her. The last thing she said to her was 'I promise' and then she was off. Clarke hangs her head, thinking about that morning that Lexa left. How her and Aden just laid in bed and cried for the rest of the day. It still just doesn't feel real. She starts thinking about her letters. The friends Lexa mentioned. She wonders if they're still alive. She thinks about the couple pictures she had sent Clarke of herself, laughing in a group of people, her combat uniform on, dirt on her face, guns all around them. So full of life and happiness despite the circumstances she was in. She thinks about how she's now probably buried somewhere in enemy territory, but even in Clarke's grief stricken brain knows that's not entirely true, for Lexa really lays buried in her heart.


	7. Two Sides Of The Same Coin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's kind of a gross part where Lexa eats straight up animal liver, so if you're grossed out by that sort of stuff, that happens. Anyways, the responses i've been getting to this story is amazing! If the Trigdesleng is wrong in this, I apologize as I have no idea how to even begin to write it. I've just been using different sites that have definitions for certain words and all that. The translations will be in (). As always let me know what you think! I love reading the comments. Expect another chapter here tomorrow. I know this one is short, but I just wanted to introduce this older man who plays a role in Lexa's recovery. The next time we revisit Lexa, it's going to be a very long chapter. Lots of things happening.

Lexa sits in the sand as she sharpens the spear with her knife. She's been in the same spot for over a week, resting her body and trying to spear fish. Her thigh stab wound has mostly healed, giving her a chance to limp a little ways, now that she can put weight on it. Her ankle is still healing though. She found a nice stick to help walk with as it's healing. She tries to not walk if she doesn't have to, so she mostly uses it when she's in the river trying to spear fish. Her stab wounds are healing some too, but Lexa can tell some of them are beginning to become infected which has been making her lose her appetite. She's decided she'll keep going until she drops dead from the infection. Lexa continues trying to sharpen the edge, hoping maybe she'll get a decent sized trout or salmon this time around. She's been only getting guppies and sun fish that aren't edible. Even though her appetite is slowly dwindling, she knows she needs to force herself to eat. Once she gets a good point, she blows the remaining dust of the wood into the air. She touches the point with her index finger and feels it prick her skin. Satisfied, she begins trying to stand using her walking stick. She leans most of her weight against it and her healing leg as she keeps her weight off of her ankle. She slowly makes her way into the river, her pant legs rolled up and boots and socks off. She feels the slimy rocks against the underside of her feet. She moves slowly, not wanting to alert the fish to a foreign movement in the water. When she gets to a spot where a school of fish are swimming around in a circle, she tosses her walking stick back to shore and just leans onto her good leg. 

She studies the clear water, her eyes moving with the fish until she spots a decent size salmon. She knows right away she's going to go for that one. She raises her spear and continues tracking the fish. She zones in, watching as it bumps into other fish, absolutely unaware of the predator lurking above it. When Lexa sees an opening, she brings the spear down in one swift motion, never taking her eyes off of the salmon. She brings it out of the water, and she realizes she pierced it perfectly. It's twitching and gasping for air. Lexa lets out a small huff of laughter at finally getting a good fish. She then starts hopping with her good leg out of the water, making sure to keep her balance and not drop the spear. She can feel the soreness in her thigh as she hops, almost like when you push on a bruise and you feel that dull ache. He abdominal muscles contracting, also making her feel a dull ache. She makes it to the sandy shore and drops down, crawling back to where she's kind of set up camp. She hasn't built a fire at all, not wanting to alert Reapers so once she sits down with the fish, she beats it's head with a rock until it stops wiggling and breathing and just bites into it. Getting past the taste and texture is a little rough but she's able to keep it down. She just tells herself it's sushi. 

She gets it all down and sips water, just watching the scenery before her. It's still cold and there's still patches of snow in places but it's warming slightly. If she wasn't in the middle of a war she'd think this would be a great place to go on a camping trip. She leans back a little, feeling a little tired already. She knows it's just the infection though. She then tries practicing her voice out. It comes our hoarse and cracked. Lexa's pretty positive her voice will probably stay like that, the damage already having been done. The cracking may stop but it'll definitely stay hoarse. She says a few stupid jokes she use to tell Aden to herself, actually making herself laugh and then decides to rest it. Lexa walks around after sitting for awhile, trying to find some more salve leaves to help the infection. She's able to gather up enough for a little bit of paste but definitely not enough. She lathers it on the more serious areas, mostly her back, and redresses. Soon evening falls upon her once more and she settles in for the night. 

The next day she wakes up sick. She's throwing up and has chills and then becomes hot. She tries to keep her body cool as the fever grows but her body is so tired. She sleeps for most of the day, not bothering with trying to get food down. This goes on for three more days until it finally passes. She's still tired and weak, the sickness having knocked her off balance. She's growing hungry though but can't be bothered with going into the river. She once again sleeps for most of the day until it's night time. She stirs when she hears something from beyond the slope into the pasture. She sits up and sees a light flickering. Her heart begins to race at the possibilities. She decides to just crawl up the slope to take a peek. She crawls through the sand until she's at an angle. She looks out into the field and sees a man. No, a older Reaper soldier. He's gutting a bison and has a nice fire going. A horse is perched nearby that is draped with a bear fur and saddle. He's completely alone and looks to be wanting it that way. Lexa feels her stomach aching over the possibility of having actual cooked meat. Her body has lost so much of it's muscle already, she's becoming more skin and bones than anything.

She decides to take a leap of faith. She begins crawling towards the man. He doesn't notice her at first, looking intently at the bison as he continues to gut it. Lexa's body then snaps a twig and he looks up. He then hurriedly grabs his gun and starts to raise it at Lexa. Lexa throws her hands up in surrender and ducks her head towards the ground.

"Chil daun, chill daun! Ai ledon, ai ledon. Ai nou jomp op, ai nou jomp op! (Stand down, stand down! I'm injured, i'm injured. I won't attack, I won't attack!)" Lexa calls out, her voice hoarse and cracking. She repeats it until she peeks and sees the older Reaper soldier put down his gun and sets it back on the ground. He then starts ignoring Lexa, going back to gutting the bison like his enemy didn't just crawl up unannounced. Lexa just watches him as he begins eating meat from the bones of the bison. He then glances up and meets Lexa's eyes. She flinches a little, not really knowing what to do in a situation like this. Before Lexa knows it, he's tossing something a few feet in front of her. Lexa scrambles over to it and recognizes it as a liver. She doesn't care what it is at the moment as she hasn't eaten in four days. She takes a bite and instantly tastes the the metallic of the blood and something else entirely. Her gag reflex doesn't let her keep it down and she regurgitates it back up, gagging and breathing heavy. She hears the Reaper soldier chuckle as Lexa goes back in for another bite and is able to keep it down this time. 

From there she slowly makes her way over to him and his fire. He doesn't protest or even seem to be worried about Lexa, even though her uniform is clear as day. He cooks some more meat on the fire and just wordlessly hands it to Lexa. Lexa eats it heartily and tries not to moan at the taste. It's gone within seconds and she finally feels a sense of fullness that has been lacking since the attack. She leans back in her spot on the grass, already feeling so much better than she had been.

"Chomouda not ai frag op yu?" (Why shouldn't I kill you?) The man speaks after a long lull. Lexa sits up and looks at him. She knows if he was going to kill her, he would have done it already.

"Ai trana hon in hou." (I'm trying to get home.) Lexa replies honestly. He studies her then nods. 

"Ai seintaim." (Me too.) A silence falls over them as they listen to the fire crackling. The man then speaks up once more. "Ha don yu hon ledon?" (How did you get injured?) Lexa shifts uncomfortably, not really knowing how to tell him that one of his own people put her in the state that she's in now. She decides she's made it this far, might as well just tell him.

"On yu kru." (One of your people.) Lexa replies shortly, she begins coughing after that. He just stares at her. Almost like he's waiting for her to elaborate once she's finished. Lexa then looks around them and back to him. "Weron yu kru?" (Where are your people?). He shakes his head from staring at Lexa.

"Ai lesad." (I left.) He replies. Lexa frowns. "Chit kom au pas jomp op?" (What happened after the attack?) Lexa realizes he wants to know first why she's alone. Lexa decides she'll just tell him the whole story. She launches into after the attack, trying to get up the mountain, the gun to her head, the proposition, Quint, the shallow grave. He studies her the whole time, taking in her entire story. After she's finished he sits there, digesting everything.

"Yu kru laud mou laik ripa's." (Your people sound more like savages/Reapers). Lexa can't help but chuckle and nod. Telling it out loud for the first time, they definitely sound more unforgiving than Reapers. The conversation lulls once more, but Lexa's curious about why this man up and left his people.

"Hakom yu lesad?" (Why'd you leave?) Lexa asks cautiously, her voice cracking from all the talking. She coughs a little. The man sighs.

"Nou en wich in kos, yu get in? Bida kru laik fous. (Not all believe in the cause, you know? Some people are forced) Lexa nods. Knowing all to well that you can be forced into doing something you don't want to really do. That's also the whole reason why she's here in the first place. She never wanted this. Lexa sighs and feels herself already getting sleepy, the warmth of the fire and a full stomach already lulling her to sleep. She hears the Reaper soldier chuckle when Lexa starts closing her eyes. "Riden os, haken on." (Sleep well, sick one.) 

Lexa doesn't have time to ponder the fact that she is finding herself trusting the enemy. She's falling asleep faster than she had when she was with her platoon. Granted, she's probably got infected blood and is super injured still, but still. She feels the warmth of the fire and falls into sleep. 

//

_"No, like this." Lexa sits at the piano with Aden sitting beside her. She's teaching him how to play Bethena after he had heard her play it one evening. She begins pressing the keys to the main part of the song, slowly going so he can watch her fingers. He watches her in complete awe. "Alright, now you try." Aden sits up straight and moves his tiny hand to the first few keys, he stumbles a little but recovers quickly. He keeps repeating it until he doesn't stumble at all. Lexa then switches sides with him as he keeps playing and begins to play the other chords while he keeps doing the same. They both smile at one another as they keep playing, Lexa then stumbles a little just as he does and they both stop and begin giggling._

_"You guys sound good. Maybe you should take it on the road." Clarke stands in the doorway of the office in their home. Aden beams at the suggestion. He then turns back to Lexa._

_"Teach me another, Mama." Aden asks. Lexa smiles and nods her head. She looks back at Clarke who is watching adoringly. She then turns back to the piano and starts to play Chopin's_ _Prelude in E-minor Op.28 no.4. Aden watches on studying both Lexa's hands and face. She then stops and starts teaching him the main part so she can play the other. He catches on quickly and they start to play together, giggling when they stumble._

 

_"You alright?" Lexa asks a trembling Clarke. It's summer and they're back out by their tree after having snuck out of their houses. Lexa was certainly not planning to be in this position with Clarke, but after a heated make-out session, this is where they're at. Naked, under a blanket, Lexa on top of Clarke. The two about to lose their virginities to one another. Clarke nods but Lexa can see the panic in her eyes. "Are you sure?" Clarke visibly swallows but nods again. Clarke keeps her eyes on Lexa as she begins to lean down to kiss Clarke once more. As she's kissing her, her hand starts to move to Clarke's center. She rubs the sensitive nub and then drags her fingers through her folds. Lexa moves her head to the side of Clarke's neck and begins sucking on her pulse point. Clarke's breathing has picked up quite a bit._

_"Did you know this was going to happen when you brought me here?" Clarke asks. Lexa frowns in her neck, not wanting Clarke to think she planned this. She lifts her head up and stops her movements on Clarke's center._

_"No. Not at all." Lexa says earnestly._

_"Really? You've never thought about it before?" Clarke asks. Lexa sighs._

_"Well I mean...of course i've thought about it." Lexa says. Clarke just stares at her. Lexa furrows her brow. "Are you sure you're alright?" Clarke nods furiously once more, panic written all over her face still. Lexa begins to sit up, knowing that Clarke is panicking but doesn't want to say so. She wraps the blanket around her chest as does Clarke who also begins sitting up._

_"I just-I don't get how you're so quiet. I'm like freaking out over here but no, with you, everything is going just fine. You really don't have a thought in the world?" Clarke asks. Lexa shrugs, not really knowing what she's suppose to be thinking about when she's about to have sex for the first time. Lexa stares at a point as Clarke begins to rest her forehead on Lexa's bare shoulder. "I'm sorry. I'm being such a basket case. I'm just nervous." Clarke whispers as she begins to kiss Lexa's shoulder. Lexa relishes in the feeling of Clarke's lips on her skin. Not at all in a sexual way, but in an intimate way, the most innocent sense of the word. She feels like her heart could burst at any minute._

_"I love you. Did you know that?" Lexa whispers. Clarke stops kissing her shoulder. It's the first time Lexa's said it out loud before. There's a long moment of silence and Lexa thinks Clarke might not say it back. She feels Clarke's cheek pressed to her shoulder blade and the breath from her lips as she replies,_

_"I love you too."_

 

_Lexa is running through the forest. She sees him. He's crouched down like he's hiding. Probably from Lexa. Lexa sneaks up behind him and puts a knife to his throat. He gasps. She moves his body towards loose dirt and kicks his knees from behind so he drops to the ground._

_"Dig." Lexa tells him. He does as he's told and digs and digs and digs. Lexa finally tells him to stop and makes him lay in the hole and she covers his entire body with dirt. She just throws pile after pile of dirt on top of him. When the ground is finally leveled she feels the sense of relief._

_"Now you know how it feels." She says simply._

Lexa is startled awake. Her memories and dreams mixing up with one another. She looks around and remembers that she fell asleep near the fire. It's morning now, the fire having gone out. The older Reaper is saddling up his horse and Lexa notices he had gone to where Lexa was and retrieved her backpack. He then notices Lexa is awake. He walks over to Lexa and looks down at her, studying her once more.

"Ai hon daun yu daunde sout ai du." (I will take you as far south as I can) Lexa furrows her brow, and begins coughing once more. His eyes soften. "Gyon op klin o gapa, yu bitam haken." (Get up on the horse, you are very sick.) Lexa stands and throws her backpack over her back gently. She then hops her way to the horse. The Reaper notices her hop and moves over to help hoist her up onto the creature. Once Lexa is on, he starts to pack his own things up and soon is grabbing the reins. He guides the horse from the front, the twosome going quite slow. Lexa sighs in relief, she really didn't know where she was going to go once she was alright enough to limp some. Now she has a very peculiar enemy who has decided to take pity on her and her situation. Someone she has more in common with than she ever imagined. Two people who never wanted to be a part of any of the the fighting in the first place. If President Wake and Dictator Shahen could see the two of them now.

 


	8. Way Too Much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Implied alcoholism is mentioned as well as a panic attack. I'm going to say expect the next chapter tomorrow as it's incredibly long and lots of things happen, but if I get into a groove then possibly late tonight. 
> 
> I also have been seeing mentioned in the comments that some people are afraid a love triangle will be happening once Lexa returns. I would like to make it clear that that isn't the direction i'm going. I feel like there's already enough fics out there that are like that and plus with the amount of angst this already has, I think something like that would just be overkill. Clarke will be getting better and over her initial grief but we're not doing the whole new love vs wife thing. So hope that clears up some confusion or trepidation you were possibly having about the later chapters. 
> 
> As always let me know what you think! Enjoy.

Clarke sits in the rocking chair in the cozy office. She briskly rocks the chair as she wrings her hands, waiting for her psychologist to enter. She's been seeing the older man for a little bit now. She kind of hates to admit that her mother, Gustus, and her father had been right about getting help. She's far from out of the darkness of the tunnel but she does see the light at the end of it now. Dr. Kelley and her psychiatrist were able to diagnose her with Postpartum Depression and mild form of just Depression. She was embarrassed at first, especially when they finally figured out what drugs she needed to be on. She didn't want to be that person who had to rely on antidepressants. She had openly talked with Dr. Kelley about her embarrassment and he explained it to her like this, "for someone who has high cholesterol, doctors prescribe a drug to lower it. People who have diabetes take insulin. Why should you be any different when it's just a different part of your body that is sick?" Clarke then realized that she shouldn't be embarrassed just because her mind is sick. 

Finally, Dr. Kelley enters with a smile and takes a seat from across Clarke in his oversized recliner. One thing she likes about him is that he never writes anything down while they talk. He just has a simple conversation with her and doesn't make it seem like a therapy session. It makes it easier for her to open up. He takes off his glasses and wipes them on his shirt before returning them back to his face. He then leans back and smiles once more at Clarke.

"How are you today, Clarke?" He asks. Clarke smiles.

"I'm okay. I've been a little nervous though." He frowns a little and leans forward in his chair.

"Why have you been feeling nervous?" 

"Well, Aden is going away to a summer camp for a month. He's never been away from home and it's just making me nervous. Plus, he's just starting to get use to this new normal and I don't want something to set him off and not be there for him." Clarke explains. His face softens and he nods.

"Yeah I can understand that. When I was raising my daughter she went away for an entire summer. I was terrified. So terrified that I got a job to work in the kitchen at the summer camp without her knowing so I could keep an eye on her." He smiles. Clarke laughs at the image. A doctor taking a job at a kids summer camp to cook food. 

"Is that a suggestion?" Clarke jokes. He laughs and shakes his head.

"No. I'm saying it's a normal thing to feel nervous, especially with the situation. But all you need to do is just keep letting him know that you'll be here for him even when he's away, that's an important thing. You need to let him know that you're only a phone call away, cause i'm sure he's feeling nervous too." Dr. Kelley finishes with a smile. Clarke nods. 

"Now how are things with your daughter? Better or worse?" He asks. Clarke sighs.

"Better, definitely. I do still have days though. Days where just seeing her makes me cry or shut down. But it's becoming less and less." Clarke says confidently. He nods.

"And when you're in those states of emotions, how have you been dealing with it?" He leans back once more in his recliner. Clarke bobs her leg, still feeling a little embarrassed at the diagnosis of Postpartum Depression.

"I cry or I tell my dad that i'm having a bad day and he takes her to the park or away from the house. When that happens I usually just curl up in my bed and sleep." Clarke replies honestly. 

"Are you still doing that? I mean, trying to get as much sleep in the day as you can so you can see your wife?" He asks. Clarke clenches her jaw and reluctantly nods. It's something they've already talked about. It's not a healthy coping mechanism. But sometimes she just can't help it, especially when it has been a very vivid dream. He studies her. "Clarke, I know we've talked about how it's unhealthy many times. Have you been doing what I told you to do?" He asks. Dr. Kelley had told her she needed to have a balance of keeping Lexa in her everyday life but also not always carrying her death with her. Clarke has been going from one extreme to the other. For one week, she doesn't want anyone mentioning her or seeing anything of Lexa's. The other week she'll just immerse herself in all things Lexa and won't leave the house or sometimes even her room. She's been trying to find the balance but she has been slipping up a little more lately. Clarke nods and tries to explain what she thinks is going on.

"It's been working, but I think with Aden being away from home soon, i've been slipping up and back into the old habits. I don't know. It's almost like I have this fear." Clarke tries. He nods and waits for her to find her words. She sighs. "I think the fear is that, the last time someone I love very much was away for a period of time, they passed and...I know it's irrational but-" He cuts her off.

"It's not irrational. I cannot express enough that your fears are not irrational. You and Lexa were together whether romantically or platonically for a very long time. You guys were never really apart and the time that you were torn apart, she had died. Now you are facing your son who you said you've never been away from either, going somewhere else without you for a period of time. It is a perfectly rational fear. But you also must remember that Lexa died fighting overseas. Aden is not going overseas."

"But things could happen while he's away." Clarke says timidly.

"That's true but you could say that about everyday life, Clarke. You could be walking down the street and a...piano or something could drop on your head. With Lexa, her risks increased when she stepped into a war zone, but it is always a risk when you leave the house in the morning." He explains. Clarke just sits and lets his words sink in.

"It's a good thing though that you recognize what you are fearing. Sometimes people just feel fear and can't pinpoint it." He says after a moment. Clarke smiles and nods. "Just remember what I said. He's going to summer camp, where there are no battles going on or fights taking place. He's going to be able to have a moment of reprieve which will be good for him. Speaking of, what about yourself?"

"A moment of reprieve?" Clarke questions, he nods. "Well, actually, I'm suppose to go out tonight with my friends. My best friend's older brother is officially back from overseas. Well he has been for awhile but I haven't seen him. But I don't know if I want to, honestly."

"Why is that?" Clarke shrugs. 

"I don't know. Even when Lexa had been still alive I didn't go out much. It has always just been us. Like we were a package deal when we went out. This would be the first time my other part isn't going to be there. Plus...I don't know. I know it sounds terrible but I feel, almost envy that Bellamy got to come home early. Not that I wished something bad had happened, not at all. It just feels like things were harder for us than it was for them. Like he was barely there a year and is now home safe and sound. Lexa would have been over there for almost two years; 18 months actually. I know, it sounds absolutely terrible." Clarke says. He shakes his head.

"No it doesn't. Sometimes you can't help but compare, especially in a situation like this. But you have to remember there could have been different circumstances going on that you just didn't know about. Is he in the same branch as what Lexa had been? Did he get drafted with her?" 

"No to both of those. He volunteered the day after the attacks for the Marines." Clarke explains. He nods.

"There's a lot of different factors. He was in a completely different branch and he volunteered. A lot of times, the military highly respects people who volunteer their lives to the cause. I personally don't think it makes them any more or less honorable than people who are drafted, but I think...maybe with how people have been criticizing recently the draft, there's a lot more respect going on for the people who openly volunteered. Now that is just one theory. But maybe it'd do you some good to go and have a conversation with him. Ask him about his experience, if there was a reason he got to come home so much earlier. It might clear up the thoughts you've been having." He finishes. Clarke sighs and digests what he had tried to explain. 

"So I should go?" Clarke asks. He nods.

"I think you should. It'll help you see that you can go out without Lexa and you may be able to help your currently clouded mind regarding your friend's brother. If you do start to panic at any point in the evening, do leave though. There's no reason for you to go through a panic attack just to try and reach another step in your grief. Remember your mental health is the most important thing." 

Clarke nods and smiles.

//

"I'm home!" Clarke calls out to the abnormally quiet house. She then hears muffled talking coming from the sliding door. She sets her purse down and walks towards the back. Anya, Raven, and her father are back there. Jake is throwing passes to Aden, while Raven holds Lia and Anya is yelling out plays to Aden and Jake. Clarke opens the door and Raven and Anya turn to look at her with a smile. Clarke smiles back and walks over to where Raven is sitting holding Lia. She smiles at the little girl who looks up at Clarke and begins beaming. Her hair is now a darkish blonde and she has Lexa's skin tone. She has begun developing the same beauty mark that Clarke has on her upper lip, and has Clarke's long eyelashes, but overall, she's all Lexa. She starts squirming and holding up her arms, wanting Clarke to take her. Clarke bends down and picks up the little girl. She perches her on her hip as Lia begins playing with a necklace Clarke has on. She kisses the side of her head as she begins babbling. 

"How long have they been doing this? Aden looks really sweaty." Clarke comments. She watches as Aden does some sort of spin move before catching the football, nearly one handed. She remembers around this time the year before when he was just learning how to catch passes with Lexa. His first season in a peewee league last fall had gone incredibly well. He became a starter after his first game and became the top scoring receiver on the team. Clarke had recorded all the games for when Lexa returned. Of course it's just become one of the many things Lexa won't get to witness.

"A good two hours. He's really good, Clarke. And i'm not just saying that because he's my nephew. He's like, freakishly good." Anya says. Clarke smiles and nods, even if Clarke wasn't his mother, she'd think he's fantastic as well. Lexa taught him most of the things he now knows but her father and Lincoln also taught him incredibly well. Plus most of it just came naturally. Both Gustus and Jake had played at Polis High School. Not together, as Gustus is younger than Jake but they were both held in high regard with their talent. Clarke thinks it's probably just in the genes. 

"Ade, you should probably quit it for the day! I don't need you getting dehydrated." Clarke calls out to him. He catches the ball then turns and nods to her. Jake then walks over to him and the two seem to be discussing his form.

"So you're coming tonight, right?" Raven speaks after a moment. Clarke turns her eyes away from Aden and her dad to look at Raven. Anya is also looking at her now. They both look hopeful and Clarke sighs.

"I guess. But if Aden doesn't want me to go then i'm not going." Clarke says. They both form cheshire smiles on their lips, glancing in between each other, then back at Clarke. 

"He wants you to go. We already told Jake that he gets to have grandparent time for the evening. Plus if we get you super drunk we're just going to take you back to our place." Raven says with a smirk. Clarke shakes her head.

"I'm not getting drunk. I'll have a couple drinks, but i'm not getting drunk." Clarke says pointedly. Lia begins grabbing onto Clarke's hair and Clarke grabs ahold of her hand to stop her. She then kisses her cheek when she begins to pout. Things are definitely getting better when it comes to her daughter and her. 

"Oh come on. At least a little tipsy." Raven tries. Clarke rolls her eyes and begins to move with Lia into the house. The baby babbles and Clarke pretends to understand what she's saying as everyone also starts to make their way inside. Clarke moves to the fridge to grab some drinks for everyone. Lia starts to fuss a little so she begins bouncing her lightly and making cooing noises. "Seriously Clarke, tonight is the night of no responsibilities." Raven says as she jumps up to sit on the island top.

"Get off the island. And I just said i'll drink a little, but i'm not getting drunk. If you keep pushing then i'm not going at all." Clarke turns from the fridge to look at her as she hops off the counter.

"I swear, you have eyes in the back of your head. Alright, tipsy it is. Now remember to dress hot, Anya and I are going home to get ready. We'll be by to pick you up at like 8." Raven says. Clarke nods. Raven walks over and hugs Clarke and then kisses Lia. Anya does the same and soon it's just the four of them. Aden sits at the table, drinking down gatorade as he continues to sweat. Jake leans against the counter, sweating as well and also sipping on water. Clarke looks between the two of them.

"You guys stink." Clarke states. She then turns to Lia and begins cooing at her "Papa and Aden are stinky aren't they?" Lia begins laughing at Clarke's voice and starts playing with her necklace again. Jake smiles at their interaction.

"You stay out as long as you want tonight. I got these two boogers for the night." Jake looks at Aden who rolls his eyes.

"I'm not a booger, Papa." Aden says with a slight smile on his lips. Clarke smirks.

"You're totally a booger bud." Clarke says. Aden shakes his head and puffs his chest out defiantly.

"I am your favorite son and your favorite grandson!" He points at Clarke and Jake respectively. Clarke laughs and Jake does as well. Clarke then walks over to her dad and hands Lia over so she can go to Aden. She drops a kiss on his sweaty head then ruffles his hair.

"That you are. Now go shower while I make you dinner. I want you squeaky clean by the time dinner is on the table." Clarke tells him. He downs the rest of his gatorade then nods. He then makes his way upstairs. Jake also decides to shower and hands Lia back to Clarke. Clarke puts her in her highchair as she starts dinner. She cooks a nice meal as the boys return from showering. They all eat together and talk, it's nice. She misses the Lexa banter though. She misses when she'd pretend like she's going to throw food at Aden from across the table when he'd pick on her. She misses how she'd compliment Clarke's cooking every single meal she cooked. She misses them talking about their days. She lets the thoughts linger for a moment as she washes the dishes, taking a second to close her eyes, then lets it go. She's getting better at not drowning in the missing. In the longing. Once Clarke is done tidying up the kitchen she takes Lia upstairs to change her into a onsie and begins rocking her to sleep. Lia's piercing green eyes stare up at Clarke as she sucks on a pacifier, just searching Clarke's blue eyes for something. She almost feels like it's Lexa staring at her. Like when they were fighting and challenging each other, Lexa knew how to just stare her down. Soon, Lia begins to close her eyes and drift off to sleep. Clarke rocks her for a little while longer before placing her in her crib and turning on the baby monitor. She then heads into her room to get changed. She's definitely not taking Raven's advice and dressing 'hot'. She's just going to dress comfortably. She has no one to impress and doesn't want to anyways. She finds some nice jeans and decides to take Dr. Kelley's advice in balancing Lexa in her everyday life. She goes into the closet and finds one of Lexa's t-shirts and decides that's what she wants to wear. It's nothing special, just a white, oversized one with a fake breast pocket. But Lexa's smell is absolutely intoxicating on it. Clarke holds it to her nose and inhales then puts it on. She walks into the bathroom and just freshens up her lipstick and mascara. She grabs the baby monitor to give to her dad and walks downstairs. Aden and Jake are watching a late baseball game, commenting every now and then. Clarke sits and watches with them and soon there's knocking on the door.

Clarke stands to answer. Raven is on the other side as Anya waits in the driveway in the car. Raven smiles and looks Clarke up and down.

"Eh, it'll do." Raven shrugs. Clarke glares and rolls her eyes as she yells her goodbye's to Aden and Jake as she grabs her jacket and wallet. They make it out to their car and Clarke gets into the backseat. Anya glances back at her and then Raven.

"It'll do." Anya says as she begins to back down the driveway. Clarke huffs, getting annoyed.

"I swear to god, if you guys are saying that just because you brought someone else for me to meet, I will never talk to you again." Clarke says sternly. That is the last thing she needs. Getting unknowingly set up on a blind date. She's not even close to being ready for something like that, if ever. Raven turns around quickly.

"No no no! We're not doing anything like that! It's just- before everything, when we'd all go out, you'd dress hot and people would buy you drinks not realizing you were married and your wife was sitting next to you. Same thing with Lexa, and you guys use to give us all your free drinks. That's why." Raven explains. Clarke sighs in relief and then thinks back on the memory. Raven wasn't kidding that anytime they all went out, men and women alike would buy both Clarke and Lexa hordes of drinks, not realizing they were married. Raven is correct on them pawning the drinks off to all their friends. Clarke chuckles at the memory.

"Remember that one night a few years ago? When Lexa decided to make it a competition?" Clarke asks. Raven barks in laughter as Anya smiles. 

"God, i've never seen that side to her before. She was all seductress with some of those people. I honestly was completely shocked she won out of the two of you since you had your boobs going for you." Raven says in-between laughter. Clarke leans forward and playfully slaps her arm. The three laugh and then that feeling of Lexa missing causes it to die down, faces growing a little somber. 

"So where are we going anyways?" Clarke asks after a minute of silence, not wanting to drag down the mood and happy memories. She leans back in the leather seats, watching the small town pass by through the windows. 

"Some sports bar in Arkadia. I don't know. O says Bell has been spending a lot of time at it since he's been back and said it was a pretty cool place. They got pool." Raven turns around and eyes Clarke. Clarke shakes her head. She's not going near the pool table. Her partner isn't here to help hustle people, if she plays at this stage in her grief she knows it'll spur on a breakdown she can't afford to have at the moment. Raven turns her head back around, seeing the anguish in Clarke's eyes at the silent mention of possibly playing pool. Anya turns on the radio and soon they don't really speak for the remainder of the drive. Anya and Raven talk about work in low murmurs as Clarke rests her head on the window, watching as Polis disappears. She thinks of all the times Lexa and her would hustle people in pool and how much money they'd win, especially their first couple years in college. Before Clarke got pregnant with Aden, they were constantly down at the bars hustling people. They were both just kind of naturally gifted when it came to pool when they played for the first time. Lincoln had joked that they could hustle some people and decided to do it one night, giving them a big payout. Now that she's older she knows how terrible it was but she can't help the small smile at the memory.

//

They arrive at a sports bar called Dropship in downtown Arkadia. It's pretty full but not overly. They find parking and then begin making their way inside. Inside it looks like your typical sports bar, but it does have a dance floor that quite a bit of people are on. There's multiple televisions everywhere playing various sports. There's some booths and high-top tables. The bar is where most people who are not dancing are standing. A pool table in the far corner. Raven begins scanning and soon nods her head to somewhere in the back when she must spot Octavia. They all make their way through the crowd until they are in front of a booth. Octavia and Lincoln are cuddled in a corner talking. Clarke is a little surprised to see her old college friends Monty Green and Jasper Jordan, who has his arm around a girl she doesn't know, there. She hasn't seen them in a couple years. Everyone lights up at the sight of Clarke and stand up to hug.

"Oh my god, you came!" Octavia happily exclaims. Clarke can tell she's already tipsy. Octavia stands from the booth and pulls Clarke into a hug then places a sloppy kiss on her cheek before sitting back down. Raven and Anya slide into the booth and Clarke follows after hugging Jasper and Monty briefly. She sits across from them and once she's settled she looks up to give them a smile, they both beam back at her.

"Long time no see, dimwits." Clarke yells at them over the music. They both laugh and nod their heads. 

"It has been too long! How are you?" Monty asks. Clarke smiles and nods.

"I'm okay. How are you doing?" Monty gives her an easy smile.

"I'm doing great!" 

"Hey Clarke, this is my girlfriend Maya by the way. Maya, this is Mama Clarke." Jasper says. Clarke rolls her eyes at the nickname. Having always been the responsible one in college she got the title of mom of the group, especially after Aden had been born. 

"It's nice to meet you Clarke, i've heard a lot of stories about you." Maya says sweetly. Clarke smiles.

"Nice to meet you too. I hope they were all good stories." Clarke chuckles. Maya nods as she sips her drink. 

"Oh yes. It sounds like none of these guys would be alive if it weren't for you taking care of them." Maya comments. Clarke laughs and nods, that was definitely the truth. Soon, Raven is asking Clarke her drink order. She decides on a whiskey neat and hands over some money but Raven shakes her head, saying the drinks are on her for the evening. Clarke went to protest but before she could Raven is out of there headed towards the bar. Clarke turns to Octavia who is giggling at nothing while sipping her martini.

"Where's the guest of honor?" Clarke asks. They have been there for quite a few minutes and have yet to spot the floppy haired man. Octavia rolls her eyes.

"He's here. He's probably wandering somewhere. He was already plastered when Lincoln and I arrived so who knows what he's doing." Octavia slurs. Lincoln then whispers something into her ear which makes her start laughing. Clarke smiles at the interaction. Raven returns with their drinks and soon the conversation gets flowing. She learns that Monty lives in Arkadia as well as Jasper and Maya. Monty is head of some technology firm, Jasper is currently in-between jobs. He had tried to join the Air Force after the attacks but had been disqualified. He then tried Army, Marines, and Navy and they all turned him down as well for some medical issue. He seemed pretty bitter about it and Clarke decided not to push it. Clarke is about three whiskey neats in and fairly tipsy when Bellamy finally makes his appearance. It's clear he's probably on the verge of being blackout drunk. 

Anya and Raven stand and hug him before Clarke does. She studies him, he seems fine. No hidden injuries that would require him to come home early. Once he's done slurring his greetings with the two women Clarke stands to greet him. He smiles at her and brings her into a hug. Clarke smiles at him as well. He then starts sitting with Clarke into the booth. 

"Too bad Woods isn't here, then this would be a family reunion!" Bellamy slurs out. Clarke tenses and Octavia and Lincoln begin shooting daggers with their eyes at him. He doesn't notice though in his drunken state. Monty and Jasper both drop their eyes to the table while Raven pretends to pick at her nails and Anya is also glaring at Bellamy, Maya looks hesitantly at everyone. 

"Anyways, how does it feel to be back Bell?" Raven switches the subject. Bellamy laughs loudly in Clarke's ear. 

"Just fucking great! No dead bodies laying around rotting everywhere which is nice!" Bellamy yells. Clarke clenches her jaw. She feels Raven put her hand on Clarke's underneath the table. She then leans into Clarke's ear.

"Ignore him, he's drunk as all hell." Raven whispers. Clarke nods. Soon everyone starts splitting off into their on conversations. Clarke decides to get up and order a water, sticking by her word that she isn't getting drunk tonight. Bellamy tells her he'll go with her and Clarke wonders if now would be the best time to ask him some questions about why he was able to come home so early. Watching him stumble as he walks with her to the bar makes her think a hard no on that. They get to the bar and Clarke orders herself a water as Bellamy orders himself another shot.

Bellamy then begins to vulgarly look Clarke up and down. "You look fucking good Griffin." Clarke tenses once more but decides to be polite as she waits for her water.

"Thank you." Clarke says shortly. He then places his hand on her lower back and Clarke turns to him with a glare. "What are you doing?" She asks. He laughs and holds his hands up in defense. 

"Easy tiger! Just having some fun!" Bellamy slurs. Clarke glares at him once more.

"Well, keep your hands to yourself." Clarke tells him sternly. He chuckles and shakes his head. She turns back to face the bar, still waiting for her water. It's then she feels Bellamy's hands back on her lower back, inching dangerously close to south of the border. He then leans into her ear.

"You know, I always wanted to fuck you when we were younger. Now that Woods is gone, we can make that happen." He whispers. That's the final straw for Clarke. She whips around and slaps Bellamy so hard it stings her hand and his head cracks to the side painfully. Clarke is fuming and doesn't even care that most eyes in the entire bar are on her now.

"Don't you ever fucking touch me or talk about my wife ever again asshole!" Clarke yells. Bellamy begins laughing.

"Your wife? You don't have a wife! She's lying in the ground somewhere being dug up and eaten by animals!" He yells at her. Clarke can feel her chest tightening and begins to launch herself at Bellamy. Before she knows it, someone's arms hold her back as she watches Lincoln forcibly grab Bellamy by the back of the neck and dragging him out of the bar. Clarke turns to find Raven's the one holding her as Octavia's eyes are wide and Anya is following Lincoln to get Bellamy out of the bar. Clarke feels the tightening in her chest expand and she excuses herself to the bathroom. Luckily it's empty. Clarke shuts the door just as her breaths become harder to get out. She goes over to the sink and puts both of her hands on either side. She starts counting in her head and taking deep breaths. She starts seeing flashes of Lexa's decomposing body and animals ripping her body apart. She feels herself sweating and closes her eyes. 

"It's not real, it's not real, it's not real." Clarke says to herself over and over again. She starts to feel her heart settle down and her breathing go back to normal. She opens her eyes and looks into her bloodshot blue ones in the mirror, the redness caused by her drinking and the cigarette smoke. She turns on the faucet and splashes cool water on her face. As she lifts her head up the door flies open and it's Octavia. She shuts the door and Clarke moves over to get a paper towel and pat her face dry. 

"I'm so sorry about that Clarke. God, i'm so sorry. Look, we both know that wasn't Bell out there. Since he's come back he's been so different. He drinks all the time and just goes from either being angry or just overly happy. The fighting I think just fucked him up or something." Octavia tries to explain, her words slurring. Clarke begins to get angry at this. When something happens to you, it doesn't give you any right to act like a complete asshole, no matter how horrible it is.

"That's no excuse to act like an asshole. If Lexa were here-...if she were here she'd never act like that, even given the circumstances, and she wouldn't try to make excuses either." Clarke says, facing Octavia. Octavia squares her jaw and frowns at Clarke.

"Well that's a moot point because she's not here. She's gone and she isn't coming back. Bellamy is back and hurting and i'm not going to turn my back on him just because he made a poor choice. God if I was that type of person, I would have turned my back on you." Octavia says, and looks to instantly regret it. Clarke glares and feels her blood boiling.

"Excuse me? What the hell is that suppose to mean?" Clarke raises her voice. Octavia seems to feel remorse but then it's gone in an instant, anger replacing whatever remorse she had initially felt. 

"Lexa died and you also made poor choices. I had to sit by and watch you treat Aden like shit by ignoring he even existed, watch you neglect your newborn daughter! God what kind of mother doesn't want to be around her own daughter!" Octavia screams out. Clarke clenches her jaw.

"Fuck you! Fuck you Octavia!" Clarke yells out.

"No fuck you Clarke! You think just because your wife died you get a free pass on being a shit mother and daughter and friend but you don't and i'm tired of everyone giving it to you!" Octavia screams at Clarke. Clarke and her then begin screaming insult after insult at one another getting right up into each other's faces until Anya bursts through the door and is dragging Clarke out by her waist as she continues yelling at Octavia. Octavia follows them yelling back until Lincoln steps in-between her and tries to get her to stop. Raven is up and out of the booth, grabbing both Anya and Clarke's things and trying to follow them back to their car.

Clarke begins crying on Anya, everything Octavia had said hitting her square in her heart. She already felt like a terrible mother but she was fixing it. Knowing that that's what Octavia really thought of her broke her heart. Then just adding salt into the wound with all the mentions of Lexa. This isn't at all what she needed. Another emotional breakdown. She knows this is going to be a setback already as she cries on Anya who is dragging her to the car. Soon Raven opens the back door and slides in as Anya maneuvers Clarke to lay down as she continues to hiccup sob. Clarke lays her head on Raven's lap who begins stroking her hair as Clarke continues to cry. Soon they are moving and headed to Anya and Raven's home.

"I'm a horrible mother! God, I'm so terrible! They deserve so much better, god where's Lexa?" Clarke cries. Raven looks down at Clarke, feeling her own heart constrict hearing Clarke's cries and the things she's saying.

"I just want her to come home! Please just let her come home! Please, please, please, please..." And Clarke continues to repeat that over and over again. Raven wipes her eyes, as she continues trying to soothe Clarke. 

Soon Clarke falls asleep, the intense emotions mixed with alcohol tiring her out. She doesn't slip into a dream this time. She slips into a nightmare for the first time, picturing Lexa's body being ripped apart by various animals. Her trying to get to her but always being too late. 


	9. Kill Or Be Killed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a doozy. There's a scene in which Lexa has a fever induced nightmare that may be upsetting to some people. A sexual assault takes place, stop reading at this line "She then hears the rebels shouting 'tich op' or 'teach her' and then the man begins to grab her and moves her away from the group into the forest, not far from where Lexa is." and can resume at this line "When Lexa is close enough, she grabs a fist full of his hair and puts the knife to his throat." 
> 
> A lot happens in this one. Let me know what you guys think.
> 
> Also the passionate response in the last chapter! Was not expecting that honestly, but I love reading your thoughts and try to respond as much as I can if you have questions.
> 
> Next chapter I think a lot of people have been waiting for, so look out for that tonight! If i'm really in a groove, you might be getting three chapters today in total.

Lexa's not sure how long they've been traveling. She feels her body getting sicker and sicker with the infection from her stab wounds. Everything seems to be passing by in a blur as she sits atop the horse. Her and the older Reaper don't talk at all really. They just move in silence, opposite sides of the same war just trying to get home. She's watched the scenery change as they continue to move. They are now traveling through a snowy area, the snow thick and cold, the wind blistering. Lexa keeps her head down as she grips the saddle. She tries to go through her head to figure out how long they've been traveling. She guesses possibly a couple weeks. They are moving slowly, but effectively. It's definitely a lot better than if she had been on her own limping her way to home base. As they continue through the snow, Lexa begins to feel light headed. The sickness eating away at her and exhaustion from traveling catching up to her. Her head starts to lull as she feels herself getting hot. She then starts seeing flashes of white and her vision blurs. She feels herself lose her grip and starts sliding off the side of the horse, but she's too weak to hold on and she hits the snow with a thump. The Reaper is by her side in seconds, checking her over and putting his hand to her forehead. 

"Yu bitam haken. Gaf in reshwe." (You are very sick. We need rest.) He tells her in his thick accent. He surprises her by hoisting her up and over his shoulders. He grabs the reins once more and begins moving them into a cluster of thin trees. He ties the horse up at one of the trees and takes off its saddle. He then grabs his bear fur blanket and lays it on the ground before laying Lexa on it. He takes a hatchet and starts cutting limbs down. Lexa goes in and out of sleep as he continues to cut limbs. Before she knows it, a small hut made for one is standing. He grabs Lexa and lays her inside on her stomach. Lexa falls back asleep once more as he starts building a fire just outside the entrance of the door. She wakes once more as he's heating rocks and then placing them in the snow to generate steam into the hut. He then climbs into the hut and hesitantly removes Lexa's shirt so he can look at her back. Once he removes it, he studies her back. She feels his fingertips grazing over some of the wounds and then feels a cold sensation run down the sides. She peeks and sees it's not blood running out of one of the wounds, it's pus. Lexa groans and lays her head back down.

"Ai souda kot op haken." (I must cut out the infection) he murmurs. Lexa squeezes her eyes shut for a moment then reopens. She then sees him move out of the hut. She frowns, confused on why he's leaving but doesn't have the energy to speak up. She drifts off to sleep once more and then awakens to the Reaper being back. He's mixing something in a metal, what looks like military issued, cup. He looks up and meets Lexa's eyes, smiling. He then moves over to turn Lexa onto her side, he brings the cup to her lips and she starts drinking the strange concoction. She chokes on it at first, sputtering and coughing, until it starts to flow down smoothly. She feels light and airy after it enters her system. She looks at the Reaper with questioning eyes. "O sis au ai kot op." (Will help for when I cut) Lexa nods. He waits a few moments for Lexa to get settled once more on her stomach. Lexa feels almost like she has a drunken buzz. For all she knows that's exactly what she has. She then feels the point of the knife poking her skin. She tenses a little as she waits for him to start carving out her skin. She feels it sink in a couple inches and she groans, having a slight flashback to when the Reaper had been driving the knife towards her heart. He then starts to drag it and Lexa yells out in agony. She can feel it cutting her skin and can feel the pus and blood pouring out of her. He stops for a moment as Lexa bitterly laughs as her eyes begin to water, she's panting trying to get her breathing under control. After a few moments he starts once more and Lexa yells out again, feeling that burning sensation as he continuously drags the knife to cut out the infected areas of skin. 

It continues like that for awhile. Crying out, stopping for a moment, resuming, crying out, repeat. Finally she feels him shift to put the knife down. He grabs some sort of leaves she's never seen before and he wets them. He places them on her back and presses them on the now healthy flesh. He moves back out of the hut to the fire and starts mixing another concoction into the metal cup. He re-enters and lifts Lexa's chin to have her take sips of the same concoction he had given her earlier. Soon it's empty and sleep begins to pull her away.

She goes in and out of restless sleep for awhile. The Reaper continues to take care of her, putting different natural solutions onto her wounds and making her eat and drink. Time seems to have no place in the hut. He soon makes his bear fur as the entrance flap for the hut. He sets steaming rocks laced with some sort of methanol smell into the hut and it begins to fill it up. It lulls Lexa into a deep deep sleep...

//

_Lexa can see her. She's standing by their tree, looks to be waiting for someone. She keeps checking her watch and looking around. She's gorgeous. Her blonde locks wavy and blowing in the slight breeze. Her skin is glowing and her eyes are the bluest she's ever seen them look. She looks right at Lexa and smiles. Lexa smiles and starts to move towards her but is stopped when a faceless someone begins to walk more briskly towards her. Their shadow is all that Lexa can make out of them. They go to Clarke and grab her by her waist and swing her around as she laughs happily. All Lexa can do is stare widely at them. Clarke then starts kissing them and it grows more and more heated and Lexa has to_ _turn and walk away, feeling her stomach churn at watching her wife kiss another person. She walks until suddenly the scenery shifts and she's in their bedroom. Lexa tries to move out of the bedroom but the doors and windows melt away. Then she turns and sees Clarke, naked on their bed, waiting for someone. The faceless person comes out of no where and lays on top of her. Clarke begins kissing them passionately and Lexa feels her stomach go into knots._

_"I'm alive Clarke! I'm here! Listen to me! I'm right here! I'm alive!" Lexa screams at them, but they don't react. Lexa watches as the faceless person starts thrusting into Clarke and she turns away, feeling like she might vomit._

_The scenery shifts to Lexa now in their kitchen. Clarke is cooking something, her back to Lexa by the stove. Lexa looks around and spots Aden, sitting at the table. Lexa moves over to him and bends down to his level. He doesn't acknowledge her though. He looks right past her as the faceless person comes into the kitchen. He smiles the brightest smile Lexa has ever seen from him and launches himself at the faceless individual. Then Clarke makes her way over to them and starts kissing them passionately once more. Lexa starts breathing hard, watching her family love someone else. Watching them happy with someone else. It's then Lexa notices Clarke's pregnant stomach and she feels even more sick. She runs out of the house, not being able to take it._

_She runs and runs until the scenery changes once more. She's in the passenger seat. She's in the car. It's that night once more. It's snowing and the radio is low, the sounds of Carly Simon playing. Lexa turns and there she is. Her mother. She's just as gorgeous as she had been. Razor sharp jawline, beautiful smile, tan glow to her skin. She turns to look at Lexa, their identical green eyes meet and she smiles._

_"Hands down, my favorite song of her's!" Her mother exclaims as she turns up the radio. 'You're So Vein' starts filtering through the speakers and her mother's beautiful singing voice adds along to it. Her mother and father had been teenagers when they had Lexa. Her youthful appearance showing as she sings her heart out, tapping the steering wheel. Lexa remembers constantly her mother and father being mistaken for her older siblings or the cringeworthy moments when she was a little older where they would mistake her father as her boyfriend. She laughs at the memory but then realizes this is a memory. Where she's at right now. It's getting closer and closer to the point._

_"Sing with me, Lexa! I know you know the words!" Her mother exclaims. It's like she's stuck on a loop. All she can do is shake her head like she had done on that night. Her mother playfully pouting just like she did that night. Lexa finally joining in after a few seconds, just like that night. Her mother's excited squeal as they start singing their hearts out. The distraction can't be changed. She can't say something different to her mother; like it's all scripted. Lexa's outer shell is the actress performing the script while inside her head she's screaming to tell her mother to slow down. To tell her mother to turn down the radio. To tell her mother there's a deer up ahead. To warn her mother it's slick. But it continues to play out. Her mother reaches over to grasp Lexa's face with one of her hands playfully, singing with Lexa and that's when Lexa had seen the large animal in the middle of the road. She yells out and her mother jerks the steering wheel. The car rolls into the the woods then down the steep hill. Lexa hitting the dashboard, then window, then flying up and hitting the ceiling, then jerked and hitting her mother, and it continues as they roll and roll until it splashes into the below-freezing lake at the bottom of the hill. It begins sinking as Lexa comes to and starts unbuckling her seat, just like she did before. She then tries to wake her mother, whose head is bleeding profusely and her arms are broken. She tries unbuckling her seatbelt but can't get it. Her mother wakes and looks over at Lexa then at herself._

_"Go! Get help! I'll try and get my seatbelt but you need to go!"_

_"No mom! I'm not leaving you here like this!" Lexa cries out. Her mother smiles and shakes her head._

_"I'll be just fine, you need to get out of here before it goes under. Go get help, little one." Her mother tells her. Lexa relents and nods, her mother seemed calm and okay. She was awake and alert. Lexa is able to climb out of the broken window and splashes into the freezing lake. She crawls to shore and looks around. She sees a house and begins limping up to it. She gets help and when they run down to the lake with her, the car is submerged. Lexa looks around and there's no sign of her mother. Lexa cries out for her but gets nothing as she collapses from her injuries._

_The scene changes to after her funeral. Her father has his head in his hands as he cries. This isn't a memory. He never cried in front of her except for when they lowered her casket. Lexa is standing in front of him. He then lifts his head and his eyes are angry, they are staring right at Lexa._

_"You did this. You left her to die. You killed her." Her father stands from where he was sitting. Lexa is paralyzed with fear as he towers over her. He pushes her back gently and Lexa feels the sensation of falling. She falls and falls until her back hits the ground. The dirty ground. She's back in the grave. Her father stands above her and then his face morphs into Quint's._

_"Now you know how it feels to be left for dead." Quint says. Soon everyone is standing above her, looking down on her. Clarke and her pregnant stomach. Aden, her father, and her mother. Quint then looks over at all of them then back to Lexa. "They all are better off without you." He then starts dumping the dirt over her. Lexa tries to scream out but is paralyzed and can't move as more and more dirt settles on top of her..._

//

Lexa gasps and sits up frantically as she awakens. She looks around, trying to get her bearings on where she is. She remembers then she's still in the hut. The first thing she notices is how alert she feels. It's the most she's felt since before the attack. She then notices it's not longer cold, her shirt is still off but there is no biting wind and it's actually warm. Lexa looks around the hut and doesn't see anything that was changed. She reaches around to touch her back and can feel that it's all practically healed up, the wounds just tender and she can feel the smoothness of fresh skin. She then looks down at her ankle and sees that's fairly healed as well, although a little wonky. She has no idea how long she's been out of it for. She goes to her pack and grabs the t-shirt she had been waiting to use for when she was more healed. She throws it on and then finds her Army jacket. She zips that on and sits on her knees, looking around the tiny space. She decides to climb out of it and moves the bear fur to the side. When she looks out, the light from the sun blinds her. She squints and lets her eyes adjust to the new light. She looks around and sees all the snow has melted away. She also notices the horse is no longer there. 

Lexa figures the Reaper man decided to take off without her. Judging by how healed she is and the snow being practically non-existent, she was probably out for a long while. Lexa breaths deep, not feeling the soreness in her ribs when doing so for the first time. She feels brand new. Reborn almost. She doesn't blame the Reaper for leaving her. He had no obligation to her and obviously had worked some sort of miracle on her before departing. Lexa goes back into the hut and collects her things. As she's doing so, she notices the Reaper left Lexa his hand gun. Lexa smiles at her enemies kindness and deposits it into her waistband. She slings the backpack on and makes her way out of the hut, looking at it one last time before she starts walking once more. She feels so grateful to the kindness and that weird 'healing' hut she's decided to name it. Never would she have been able to imagine the things she's gone through happening to her. She stops and stretches out her muscles, feeling a slight burning sensation as she does so. She looks around to figure out where she is.

She sees a mountain and realizes it's Mount Weather. That puts her about 8 months out from home base if she continues walking and doesn't have anymore run-ins. She knows though if she's able to coral a wild horse, she could get there so much faster. She makes the decision to keep her eyes peeled for a horse. 

She walks quite a ways from the hut. She finds a little stream and bends down to fill her canteen up. One thing she is forever grateful for is the endless supply of clean water in the nation of Weather. She fills it, drinks quite a bit from it, then fills it once more, and hooks it back onto her pack. She stands and breaths for a minute, doing a slow 360 degree turn to look at the vast pastures and mountains. It looks like Spring and possibly Summer has fallen upon them. Things are green again and beautiful. 

Her thoughts then go to her nightmare. Clarke and Aden with someone else, her mother's death, everyone being happier without her. She wonders for a moment if all of this will be wasted. That whenever she gets home, Clarke has found love and moved on with someone new. It's not like she wouldn't want that if she had died, but she isn't dead. She starts to wonder if they've told Clarke already that she passed. She wonders how they were able to explain the lack of body and lack of possessions. She hopes Quint at least had the decency to give the military her dog tags and wedding ring. She then remembers what kind of person he is and doubts it. She wonders why she dreamt of her mother's death after all this time. It has been years since that has happened. Not since she was still a teenager. She knows deep down it was never her fault that she didn't get out of the car. Something her father reiterated several times to her over the years. Maybe it's the way she had been left by Lexa, and Lexa was left by Quint and Artigas. But her mother had died before the car submerged. Lexa is still very much alive. 

She decides to put her analyzing on the back burner for now and continue going. 

Lexa walks a little more, still limping but able to use both her feet now. She figures the limping will probably never go away due to how her injuries have healed. She's still amazed by how much better she feels. Just as she's thinking that her stomach growls; right she needs to eat. Lexa looks around and spots a bush with some berries on it. She walks over to it and studies them, making sure they're not poisonous. Once she figures out they're just blueberries she pops them into her mouth. They're sour, having not been fully ripe yet. It's definitely not the worst thing she's ate thus far. After nearly clearing off the entire bush she continues to head south. 

She walks for awhile and then she sees something hanging from a tree in the distance. Lexa slows her movements and approaches. She can hear the distant hooting and hollering of a lot of people. As she gets closer to the object hanging in the tree, her heart stops when she realizes what it is. It's the older Reaper. He's completely naked and has stab wounds all over his body. A rope is tied to his neck with a wooden sign hanging from around it also. It reads 'Azgeda otaim win au' or 'Azgeda always wins'. Lexa closes her eyes and swallows, her heart hurting at the fact that this man is now dead. A man who had done so much to help her heal, her enemy who turned into being her caretaker, gone. She opens her eyes when she hears a collection of laughter and pots and pans being clanged together for an instant, then more laughing. She knows now she's stumbled upon the Azgeda rebels for the first time. She looks around and sees their camp. There's quite a few of them it looks like. A huge fire is going and some are dancing around while other's sit and drink. They're clearly drunk. They don't have uniforms on like the Americans and Reapers do. Lexa then spots many many horses tied up quite a few yards away from their camp set up. Lexa swallows and weighs the pros and cons to stealing a horse from them. She spots the older Reaper's horse among them and Lexa decides she's stealing it back. 

She walks slowly, ducking behind trees if she must. Once she's near the horses, she gets on her stomach and begins doing her Army crawl training to stay low. They're speaking Trigdesleng and laughing and drinking. Not a care in the world. Once Lexa arrives to the horse, she stands, keeping her head low and body close to the horse. She starts to untie the intricate knot but stops when the celebrating begins to get louder. She peeks over and sees a large rebel. His hands are on a younger woman's shoulders and he's forcibly trying to get her to dance with him. She looks absolutely terrified. She then hears the rebels shouting 'tich op' or 'teach her' and then the man begins to grab her and moves her away from the group into the forest, not far from where Lexa is. The group laughs and cheers him on as he drags her. Lexa watches as he turns her around and forces her up against a tree trunk. The young woman is facing away from him as he lifts her dress, exposing her. Lexa then watches as he starts unbuckling his pants and then pulls them down, exposing himself. Lexa turns away once she sees him thrust forward and the woman yelp out. She closes her eyes as she hears the grunting of the man. She knows she can't just sit here and let this happen. She takes a minute to calm her blatant anger and then grabs her knife. 

She quietly approaches him from behind as he continuously thrusts into the young woman and grunts and groans. When Lexa is close enough, she grabs a fist full of his hair and puts the knife to his throat. He startles a little and Lexa watches as the young woman turns around, shocked and possibly a little scared, seeing Lexa's American uniform.

"Yu sad klin laud, ai kot op yu swela." (You make a sound, I'll slit your throat) Lexa whispers near the mans ear. The young woman relaxes a little and just stares at Lexa and the man wide eyed. "Ai jak op o gapa. Yu nou wan daun ai." (I am taking a horse. You will not stop me.) Lexa tells him sternly. She then moves her eyes to the young woman and gestures with her head for her to approach. The woman hesitates for a second but walks over. Lexa gestures for her to take Lexa's place, handing the knife to the young woman. She smiles a little and takes the knife, taking over Lexa's place. Lexa then starts to move back to the horses and hears the woman tell the man in a harsh Trigdesleng accent that if he tries to alert anyone else, she'll cut his dick off. Lexa can't help but smirk at that. She makes it over to the horses and unties the older Reaper's former horse and decides to help the young woman escape. She unties the one next to it and looks back over to where she is still holding the rebel hostage.

Lexa gives her a low whistle to alert her that Lexa has untied another horse. She makes eye contact and then in one swift motion, slits the mans throat then stabs him in the crotch. Lexa was too busy watching that, that she didn't notice the rest of the rebel camp had heard her whistle and were now looking at her. Lexa quickly hops onto the horse as they all yell 'get her' in their native tongue. She rides away from them but it's not long that she can hear the hoofs of more horses right on her tail.

She jerks the reins and the horse turns left, trying to lose the rebels. She looks back and as she does so, an arrow goes flying past her. Her heart is racing with adrenaline as she feels the breeze of arrows flying just inches away from her. She makes the horse pick up its pace and jerks right, causing two rebels to collide into one another. She continues right and until a rebel is neck and neck with her, readying to throw a spear that will not surely miss. Lexa reaches into the waistband of her pants and pulls the hand gun. Just as his arm is pulling back, Lexa shoots the man square in the head, falling off the horse. The lone horse goes running away from the loud noise. Just as Lexa turns to see where she's headed, she sees a cliff up ahead. She tries to slow the horse down but it's futile. They're going way too fast. The horse skids off the edge and Lexa abandons it in mid air, landing herself into a large evergreen tree. She hits the branches as she makes her way down, it slowing her velocity until she sees the forest floor getting closer and closer, then it's dark.


	10. Something Is Amiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be up tomorrow. Let me know what you guys think with this one!

Since the bar blow up, Clarke hasn't spoken to Octavia, nor has a desire to. That Monday she scheduled an emergency appointment with her therapist, wanting to get things under control before they spiraled again. They talked through the emotions that were brought up from the yelling match, lots of tears had been shed during the session but ultimately, she felt a lot better afterwards. The session had been nearly two hours, the longest they've ever done, but she had a great moment in which he made her forgive herself. Forgive herself of her past discretion when Lexa's death had been announced. It was a huge step for her and she couldn't feel more grateful to have decided to seek help. Raven and Anya keep trying to get Octavia and Clarke in the same room but Clarke has shut it down each time. So far they haven't brought it up again.

Aden went off to summer camp for a month. It didn't last the whole month though. About a week before he was due back home, he had gotten into a fist fight with one other boy. Clarke had been confused and thought they had the wrong boy but once they said his name was Aden Griffin-Woods she knew she had to go pick him up. Aden didn't talk about it on the car ride home. His eye black and blue and bruises forming on his knuckles. Clarke didn't reprimand him right away, just wanting to know what had caused him to get into a fight in the first place. He had never been one to get angry, so angry that he'd beat another kid senseless. When Clarke arrived, she saw the other boy whose face was completely swollen, his eyes nearly shut. She had to talk to the other boys parents and explain the situation at home, luckily they were sympathetic and decided not to press charges or anything. When they got home, they went up to Aden's room to have a private chat. He didn't say anything at first, just looked down at his hands in shame. Clarke waited patiently, knowing that she couldn't push him. After a moment he spoke.

"He took her dog tags. He took them from my neck and threw them in the lake when I beat him in a swimming relay." Aden's voice says quietly. Clarke sighs and looks towards his neck for the first time, noticing the emptiness around it. She feels her blood start to boil at the fact that she apologized to the young boy. He took and threw away the only thing they had left of Lexa's person. Clarke clenches her jaw and tries to keep her anger at bay. She takes a deep breath and speaks.

"Start from the beginning." She tells him. He nods and moves his eyes to meet hers.

"We're from different cabins. We'd always be matched up in races and stuff, like obstacle courses. It was fun, I did have a really good time. But I kept beating him and stuff and I guess he didn't like the fact that I never really got into the whole talking smack thing. He'd try to egg me on and i'd just ignore it and just go back to my cabin after the activities were done. Then the swimming relay was the last competition of the camp. My team put me last because i'm the faster swimmer. He was also last on his team. I beat him by a lot I guess. He got mad and I just ignored him and started walking off the dock. He then grabbed the chain and tore it from my neck. When I turned around he tossed it into the lake. Like really deep end of the lake. I don't know what happened. I just saw red or something and next thing I know i'm being dragged away to the office. I don't remember what I did." Aden explains, his eyes getting glassy. Clarke grabs ahold of his hand.

"Did you tell the counselors what he did?" Clarke asks him gently. He shakes his head.

"No. I was embarrassed and so I just didn't say anything to anyone." Aden explains. Clarke nods. She thinks of what she should do now. Probably call the camp, let them know what the other boy had done. Get the boy's parents phone number and tell them what their heartless son had done. She sighs once more. "Am I in a lot of trouble?" Aden asks timidly. Clarke looks at him and shakes her head.

"No babe, you're fine. He provoked you. I'm so sorry that I wasn't there." Clarke tells him. He shakes his head. 

"It's okay mommy. I was at summer camp, parents aren't suppose to be there." Aden gives her a sad smile. Clarke smiles at him using 'mommy' again for her. He had stopped calling her that during her bad phase, just resorting to 'mom'. They sit in silence, Clarke trying to figure out how to handle the situation. "Can we get them back?" Aden asks after a moment. Clarke looks at him and feels her heart breaking. The dog tags are probably long gone, sitting in the bottom of the lake and even then, a fish could have swallowed them up or something. Clarke bites her lip, trying to think if there is a way to get them back but coming up empty. She then closes her eyes and shakes her head.

"I'm sorry baby." Clarke whispers. He just tenses his jaw and nods. He looks away from Clarke for a moment. Clarke moves over closer to him and wraps him in a hug. He buries himself into her chest but Clarke doesn't feel him crying. She kisses his head and begins stroking his hair. "You're not in any trouble though, okay? I want you to know that." She pulls away from the hug and he looks at her and nods his head. She then brings her hand up to study the black eye, it's starting to swell quite a bit. "I'm going to get some ice for that, are you going to stay up here for the evening?" Clarke asks. He nods. Clarke then leans over and places a kiss on his forehead as she gets up from his bed. She exits the room and goes downstairs. Her father is on the ground in the living room playing with Lia. He gives her a look and she throws him one back saying she'd be back down to tell him what happened. She goes to the ice maker in the fridge and scoops up some ice. She gets a ziplock bag and deposits the ice inside. She grabs a rag from the drawer and makes her way back upstairs. Aden is laying down in his bed now, pajamas already on. Clarke sits back down on the bed and brings the ice pack to his eye. He winces a little, but then relaxes. Clarke keeps it pressed onto his eye for him. She then starts brushing his hair with her other hand. He starts to close his eyes and Clarke continues to brush his hair. After awhile his breaths even out, and Clarke realizes he's asleep, the ice already melting. She stands from the bed and quietly tucks him in. She grabs the raccoon and places it nearby him. She kisses his cheek and exits the room, shutting the door quietly. 

She makes her way back downstairs and Jake is now in the kitchen, Lia in her highchair, being fed baby food. She sighs and drops down in the chair next to them.

"So what happened?" Jake asks after a moment. Clarke shakes her head and clenches her jaw, feeling her anger bubbling up once more.

"Some asshole little kid didn't like the fact that Aden was better than him at some camp competition. I guess they had some swimming relay and Aden beat him, when he tried to talk crap to Aden, he tried to ignore it and go back to his cabin. I guess the other kid grabbed Lexa's dog tags from Aden's neck and threw them into the deep end of the lake. Aden said he doesn't remember what happened after that, that all he remembers is being dragged away to the office." Clarke finishes. Clarke watches her father clench his jaw, his own anger bubbling to the surface. 

"Where the hell were the counselors?" Jake asks harshly. Clarke shrugs.

"Who the fuck knows. I can't believe I apologized to the camp and the parents to that boy. God, what a little self-absorbed prick." Clarke says. She knows it's totally wrong to call a nine year old a prick but she can't help it. Jake nods his head in agreement. Lia begins babbling and Clarke smiles at her, then reaches over to take the baby food from her dad so she can feed her. Jake then stands and pulls out his cell phone, moving towards the fridge. Clarke glances over at him as he studies a piece of paper that's tacked onto the fridge and starts inputting numbers. "What are you doing?" Clarke asks, as she turns back to Lia and pretends like the spoon is an airplane to put in her mouth. The baby squeals at the noises Clarke makes and Clarke chuckles. Jake doesn't answer Clarke.

"Hi, my name is Jake Griffin. My grandson, Aden was just at your camp. Yeah, Aden Griffin-Woods. Well, i'm calling cause I would like to know what kind of camp you're running there. Well my grandson has just informed my daughter and myself of how that fight got started. It seems you guys don't really pay attention when campers are clearly being antagonized by other campers. Yes, I recognize that he had thrown the first punch, but what would you expect from a nine year old boy whose mother was killed in action overseas a few months ago, getting said mother's dog tags taken from his neck and thrown into the bottom of a very deep lake, just because my grandson wasn't participating in low-life smack talk from the other boy...No I want to know where the hell your counselors were when this was going on. Do you not have people supervising all activities? Especially an activity where young children are swimming in a lake. You did have supervisors. Okay now can you tell me why they just stood by and let that happen? Oh you don't have an answer for me. No, you listen to me. I want you guys to pay for getting someone to go to the bottom of the lake and getting my grandson's mother's dog tags back. If you don't, I will make sure to tell every parent who even thinks about sending their kids to your camp what kind of ship you're running there. Yeah, a kind of ship who doesn't give a fuck about the kids or punish antagonizers when they need to be. Hello? Hello?" Jake looks at his phone and huffs, "Fucking pricks." Clarke looks at her father wide eyed, never having seen him get that upset before. He then turns back to Clarke after putting his phone away, "What?" He asks.

Clarke just raises her eyebrows and turns back to Lia. "If mom could see you now." Clarke says with a chuckle. Lia laughs with Clarke and Clarke makes a funny face at the baby. Jake rolls his eyes and sits down next to Clarke once more. Clarke decides to ask a question that has been plaguing her mind before any of this happened. "What''s going on with you and mom?" Jake stills for a second, then he sighs.

"So you've noticed." Jake states. Clarke nods and continues to feed Lia, who is starting to move her head away from the spoon, signaling she's full. Clarke moves to put the baby food and spoon on the table and wipe her messy face with her bib. "We're...taking a break, I guess is what you could call it." Jake responds after a minute. Clarke bites her lip and frowns a little bit. Hearing it said out loud makes her heart hurt. She maneuvers Lia out of her highchair and sets her on her lap, letting her play with her hair. She finally looks at her father who looks a little sad.

"Your idea or her's?" Clarke questions. He sighs once more.

"Her's." Jake replies shortly. Clarke nods, not really knowing what else to say. She sits in silence, Lia's babbling being the only noise in the kitchen for a moment.

"Can I ask why she wanted a break?" Clarke asks. He tenses slightly but then nods.

"We had been having a lot of fights. It stemmed from her being at the hospital all the time and me being at the firm all the time. Then the war happened and Lexa got drafted. We were very divided on that and me joining the Local Board definitely didn't help things, as you remember." Clarke nods her head, remembering being in the room when her mother had found out her dad joined the Local Board. It was a screaming match she had never witnessed between her parents in her life. "Anyways, things were okay for a second there, with...you know, Lexa's passing. We were both grieving and all our troubles went away for a minute, but then they came sneaking back up. We disagreed on how to handle Aden, how to handle you at the time, how to handle Gus. I thought me retiring from the firm would help alleviate some of our problems but it didn't. Finally, we calmly talked, she decided she just needed some space from me for awhile, I agreed. I was already in the process of looking for something to rent when you needed me." Jake explains. Clarke studies her father, he looks so sad and broken.

"Are you guys getting a divorce?" Clarke asks after a moment. Lia begins calming down in Clarke's lap, just watching Jake. Jake leans forward and brushes the dark blonde hair on her forehead.

"I'm not sure yet. We're kind of in limbo." Jake shrugs. Clarke nods and purses her lips. She sighs and decides to stand and make her way into the living room. Jake follows behind her and the two settle into the couch. Lia leans back into Clarke's hold after Clarke gives her, her pacifier. 

"You know you can stay here for as long as you need. But you also should probably start fixing things with her. You love her and she loves you, I know that to be true." Clarke tells him pointedly. He looks over and nods, smiling at Clarke.

"You're doing so well, kiddo." Jake states, a warm and proud smile on his lips. Clarke smiles at him as well, feeling proud of herself as well.

//

Clarke waits outside the tiny house in her car. She's about to drive to Arkadia with Harper McIntyre. Her husband had also been killed in action about a month ago. Clarke had gone to see her to talk with her and her therapist suggested that Clarke take her to a group therapy place that Clarke had been frequenting as of late. It's filled with other's who have lost spouses due to the war. Harper had come with Clarke a few times already, admitting to Clarke afterwards that she found it incredibly insightful and helpful. Clarke taps on the steering wheel, getting a little antsy as she hates arriving late and having everyone stare at her as she enters. Finally, the front door opens and Harper flashes an apologetic smile at Clarke before jogging a little to the passenger door. She opens and hops in.

"Sorry, I was just making sure my dog's food and water was filled." Harper says as she begins buckling her seatbelt. Clarke smiles.

"No worries. Ready?" She asks as Harper turns to look at her. Harper nods and Clarke begins backing down the driveway. It's late afternoon, the sun beaming and hot from reaching its apex for the day. Clarke rolls down the window to let a breeze come through. Harper smiles and closes her eyes, having her own silent moment of reprieve from the terrible heartache from losing your spouse. Clarke continues driving and soon, they're in Arkadia. Clarke thanks her lucky stars that she doesn't have to drive by Dropship. Even if she never sees that bar again it'd still be too soon. She officially despises that joint. She keeps driving the streets until they happen upon the community center where it's being held. Clarke parks close by and the two women get out. Other people are arriving as well. Clarke gives the regulars a polite smile and they smile back at her. One thing she likes about this group therapy is a lot of the spouses' fallen loved ones were also draftees. Clarke had been happy to hear people express the same feelings that Clarke had been feeling when Lexa got drafted. That feeling of helplessness and fear. She enters and the chairs are all set up around the big circle. Some people are murmuring by a table set up with coffee, water, and tea. But overall, there's never much talking going on when people are arriving. The war has only been going on for a year now, so the wounds of losing their loved one is still fresh, making small chit chat not on everyone's minds. Soon, the counselor leading the group asks everyone to take their seats. Clarke and Harper sit together as everyone grabs a seat. Most people are their ages, a few a little bit older and some a little younger. A silence falls over the group as the counselor gets settled in his seat. He's an older man, much like Mr. Kelley. He's very gentle and nice though. Soon resident lifesaver, Katie, begins handing out small packets of kleenex, knowing it has become essential during each session. 

Soon, the counselor starts his introductions and asks if anyone is new in the group. Clarke looks around and doesn't see anyone who is new. He then moves on and asks if anyone wants to share their personal story. Clarke hasn't yet been able to muster up the courage to talk about her's and Lexa's story, and doesn't think she'll be able to for a little bit. Soon, a man named John raises his hand. The counselor nods his head for him to start telling the group. John launches into an emotional roller coaster story on his late wife's and his relationship. It started with him having cancer and her bumping into him in the hospital he was being treated in. She had been visiting her grandfather. She apologized and he swears he fell in love with her right there. The two then had, what he considers their first date, in the cafeteria and talked for hours. Soon they began seeing each other regularly and became boyfriend and girlfriend. He tells the group how he loved her because she never once saw him as weak or dying, she just saw him for him. He then goes into how he got very close to dying as his cancer advanced and she stuck by him through it all. They got married when they didn't think he'd make it past three months. They then found some sort of experimental treatment in Switzerland and went to try it. It ended up working and he's been in remission ever since. He makes a bitter joke that it's ironic that she was the one that almost became a widow, but instead they switched places. He tells them how she had been drafted last year to the Marines and how scared he was for her. He then goes into receiving the letter of her being killed only 4 months into the combat. He goes into how it felt to have her possessions shipped to him and then soon her body. He ends his story by admitting he wishes he had died first, because having her gone is such an immeasurable amount of pain, worse than dying of cancer. Everyone is in tears by the end of it. Clarke using nearly half her kleenex pack. 

After he's finished people go around the circle and offer their sympathies and support. Relating to his pain and sadness. It falls silent over the group once more as everyone wipes their tears and waits for the counselor to get more people to share their story. He finally asks for any others. Clarke is completely surprised when a teary Harper raises her hand. Even the counselor looks a little surprised. Usually it takes people a long while before they can share their story to a group of strangers. He gestures for her to start and she takes a deep breath. 

"I met Daniel in college. I mean, it wasn't anything extraordinary. It was your typical boy meets girl in the same class deal. We got partnered up for some project and just hit it off. From there we launched into a completely passionate love affair. To me it was like something out of a romance novel. He was just so sweet and always patient with me. Every time I looked at him I always wondered when the other shoe was going to drop because we were just so compatible and perfect together. I realize now that the other shoe was him getting his draft letter. I remember being scared when, Clarke over here to my left, when her wife had received her draft letter. We're from the same small town and her wife was very well respected and just seemed untouchable. So seeing her and Clarke end up being touched by this war was terrifying to me. I can't even imagine how it felt for you." She turns to look at Clarke briefly. Clarke nods. She then returns to looking at the other faces of the group." It wasn't long after her wife had received her draft letter that Daniel got his. I remember crying so hard when he told me. I felt terrible when he went to get the medical check that I kept wishing he'd have some sort of defect and they'd disqualify him. But of course, he was picture perfect. When he left to go overseas, everyday I just felt terrified. I was thinking about him every minute and just wondering what he was doing. We'd send letters to one another constantly, which helped with some of the stress. But then, Clarke's wife was killed and it was just horrible. It hit the town so hard, Clarke, I don't know if you know that. Everyone really really respected her, ever since we were little. Anyways, I realized nobody is untouchable and it terrified me even more. Then a month ago I got the same letter that all of you have received. Killed in Action. It just- god is there anyway to even describe that feeling?" Harper asks rhetorically. Clarke knows exactly what she's talking about. Just then the door to the community center opens. Everyone turns their eyes to the door behind Harper and Clarke. Harper is wiping her eyes and Clarke turns to see what everyone is staring at.

A man in uniform. Not just any man. Daniel McIntyre. His arm is in a sling and he has some cuts on his face but overall, he's fine. Clarke's jaw drops a little and Harper begins to turn around to see what everyone was staring at. When she meets her husband's eyes, she gasps and is instantly up and out of the chair. She launches herself at him and hugs him, both of them are crying and kissing one another. Clarke turns away, feeling like she's intruding on a very private moment. Everyone is smiling and crying as someone begins to clap. Soon everyone is clapping for them, including Clarke. Clarke lets her tears flow freely, watching the couple reunite.

After watching them for a few minutes, the counselor ends the session. Harper goes to Clarke briefly and tells her that Daniel's parents had driven him here and that they were waiting. Clarke gives her a hug and tells her she's happy for her. She beams and they are off. Clarke walks back alone to her car. She opens the door and climbs in. Before starting the car she rests her head on the headrest. She closes her eyes and takes deep breaths. She's absolutely thrilled for Harper that she doesn't have to go through the pain of being a widow. But there's also a big part of her that is envious. Watching her reunite with Daniel made her long to reunite with Lexa. To hold her in her arms and cry and kiss her just like Harper had gotten to do. Clarke lets the envious thoughts enter her brain for a few minutes and then takes one more deep breath. She then opens her eyes and pushes the thoughts out of her head. She starts the car and starts heading back to Polis. 

//

When she's back on the main street of Polis she decides to make a pit stop. She parks her car on the sidewalk and goes into the flower shop. She gets a bouquet of lilies (Mrs. Leigh giving them to her for free, knowing exactly where she was going) and decides to walk to the cemetery. The gates are wide open and Clarke makes her walk up the tiny hill. She stops when she sees a body standing in front of the headstone that Clarke had been heading too. It's Aden. Clarke looks around for any sign of her father or mother but doesn't see them. It's not even remotely dark yet but she has to wonder why her dad would let a nine-year old go to the cemetery by himself. She makes her way up the hill and she can tell she's startled him some. Clarke just gives him a smirk.

"Fancy seeing you here. Last I checked you were suppose to be home with your sister and Papa." Clarke asks him pointedly. Clarke then notices his bike perched on an old gravestone not too far away. Aden gives her a small sheepish smile and shrugs.

"I may have told Papa I was going over to the Faust's for a bit." He admits. Clarke decides she can't really be mad at her son. She lets it drop and the two then silently turn to face the headstone with an empty grave. Clarke lays the lilies down and picks one out. She puts the lone lily on Lexa's mother's grave. Clarke and Aden stand in silence for a long while, the sun setting in the distance. Clarke thinks about the first time she had been terrified that Lexa would die. After the car accident with Lexa's mother. Lexa had been hospitalized with some internal injuries. Clarke remembers when her mother had called their house late that evening telling them that Lexa was going into emergency surgery. Clarke was so terrified she'd lose her before she ever had her romantically. Clarke stayed at the hospital until Lexa had awoken. Clarke remembers crying so hard in Lexa's shoulder when she had come to, so elated that the girl she was secretly in love with was going to be alright. She's broken from the memory when Aden grabs ahold of Clarke's hand. Clarke glances over at him but he's still staring at the headstone.

"Maybe it's dumb, but I keep thinking she's still going to come home. That i'm going to wake up some morning and she'll be sitting on her stool in the kitchen, talking to you while you make breakfast. I just can't stop thinking about it. That she's going to come home." Aden says after a moment. Clarke swallows and feels her heart shattering at her sons admission that he's still waiting. Clarke sets her jaw and squeezes his hand, not really knowing what to say to him. That's when Clarke has a realization.

She doesn't know what to say to him because she's also waiting. The things Harper had said about Lexa. How she always seemed so untouchable; she's right, Lexa was untouchable. Clarke's mind begins flooding with different thoughts. It could be possible that Lexa is still out there. Daniel McIntyre returning is proof that mistakes are made all the time. Her mind then starts to go to questions she never thought to ask initially. Every single person in her group therapy have talked about receiving their spouses possessions. Even some of the ones who never got bodies just like Clarke, got their spouses things back. They never got anything except her dog tags. If they had her dog tags, why couldn't they bring her body home? The only thing she does know about her death is that she hadn't been blown up. So why the hell couldn't they have her body?

More and more questions fill her mind as her and Aden make their descent back down the slope to the car. Clarke putting his bike in her trunk. They drive home and Clarke just has nothing but question after question filling her brain. She wonders why she didn't initially see the blaring questions that needed to be asked. She breaks it down to her muddled grief stricken depression brain. When she goes to bed that night she knows, it's time to contact the Army commission with her concerns.


	11. A Love Letter Can Save A Soul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are once more. Things and information are just going to be nonstop from now on. This one is pretty short but I think it's necessary to Lexa's journey and her mindset. Next chapter could be up late tonight but it might not be till tomorrow. Lexa eats a horse in this so...if that makes you uncomfortable, that happens.
> 
> As always, let me know what you guys think! I love reading the comments and will try and respond to you if you have any questions.

Lexa comes to with a groan. She's sore all over and begins to sit up. She doesn't seem to be too injured and closes her eyes and murmurs a silent 'thank you' to whatever higher being is listening. She looks up at the ridge and it's completely empty. The sun was setting which made her think she had been out for at least an hour. It looks as though the rebels thought her dead from the fall and have let her be. Thinking her body probably wasn't worth having to come down the ridge and take it. She takes in her surroundings and notices the dead horse. Blood is pooling all around its body and Lexa sighs. She stands slowly and looks around at where she is. She looks for some sort of landmark and finds a sign for a trail. She realizes her impromptu horse race shoved her an extra two months off course. She groans and curses under her breath at her luck. It's like she gets somewhere one second then the next she gets pushed back further. She looks around and decides, she'll stay there for the evening to rest her sore muscles and bones.

She starts looking for her pack that must have fallen off when she fell from the ridge and tree. She looks all around the area and only finds the hand gun quite a few feet away. She moves over to the tall evergreen tree and looks up. There on a branch sits her pack, dangling like it's taunting her. Lexa huffs in frustration and studies the trunk of the tree. She knows for a fact a physical therapist would be having a heart attack right now at watching Lexa start to climb the tree. Her ankle burns a little as she runs and uses her feet to gain traction on the truck and bring her up high enough to grab ahold of a branch. She attempts it twice and on the third try is able to get a good grip. She then uses her not so great strength to hoist herself up and take a breather sitting on the thick branch. After a moment of rest, she starts climbing up the branches until she reaches her pack. She grabs it and puts it on her back and starts her descent back down. She hops off the tree and hisses at the radiating stinging that shoots up both her feet and into her legs. 

She takes her canteen and starts sipping, sitting down with her back against the trunk of the evergreen. She stares at the horse and closes her eyes. Why can't things just stay their course for one second? She feels like she hasn't been making any progress and it feels like Murphy's Law right now. Anything that can happen will happen to her. She starts to wonder if this is all worth it. What if this is just her flight or fight instincts kicking in and soon, they're just going to run out. Lexa opens her eyes and sighs. She decides she's building a fire for the first time. At this point, she's very discouraged in her journey and doesn't care who sees it. 

She begins making her way around to gather logs and sticks. She finds dried brush to use as an excellent for the flames. She then finds two rocks and starts setting up the fire pit. She clinks the rocks at an angle for a long while. Growing more and more frustrated the longer no spark is produced. Finally, after over an hour and several curse words and temper tantrums of throwing the rocks, she finally gets a spark and begins blowing furiously so it catches fire. It ignites and Lexa sighs and flops down on her back in relief. She sits back up and starts feeding the fire and stokes it, keeping the flames alive and well. She then makes a decision about the horse. 

She searches in her backpack to see if she at least has a pocket knife she stored in there. She finds one better, a butterfly knife, and makes her way over to the fallen animal. Deciding not to get completely bloodied, she strips herself of her Army jacket and shirt, leaving her bare and exposed. She starts cutting into the large stomach of the animal and blood pours out of it. She then takes her hands and spreads the ribs wide. The stench makes her start gagging for a few seconds and then she pulls it together. She takes a deep breath and starts shoving her arms inside the body. It's warm, mushy and sticky. She starts scooping out it's intestines, gagging every now and then when she accidentally punctures something and it begins leaking. Once she has all the intestines removed she starts finding the sources of meat. She starts cutting meat from the horses breasts and starts cutting different muscles. She saws off meat from the legs and realizes she has enough meat for a very decent size meal or two. She wishes she'd be able to dry some of it out to make jerky but at this point, she'll take what she can get. Once she's finished she looks down at herself. She looks like she just got done going on a killing spree as her skin is covered in blood. She gives herself a pat on the back for thinking of taking off her jacket and shirt. Her pants are now a dark dark green though, stained with blood and dirt. 

She goes back to the raging fire and starts cooking the various meats. While they're cooking, she walks a few yards and finds a nice stream to wash herself in. She decides to fully strip and give herself a nice rub down with a smooth rock she finds in the stream. She hopes maybe getting somewhat clean will help with her discouragement. Once she finishes, she tries washing her pants and is able to get most of the blood and dirt out, the stream turning red for a few moments. She walks back over to her fire in just her t-shirt and underwear and puts back on her jacket. She sets her pants close to the flames to help dry them out faster.

The meat is cooked and Lexa mentally makes a note to not look at the cut up animal as she starts biting into the chewy meat. It actually doesn't taste bad at all. A little seasoning and she wouldn't know the difference between the meat of a horse and the meat of a cow. She devours her first helping fairly quickly and settles back for a moment, sipping her water and staring at the flames. She starts to hum a tune to herself, she knows the tune but can't for the life of her remember what it's called or who it's by. But she knows she use to sing it back home all the time. Her discouragement grows as she tries to remember little things like that. She tries to remember what her front yard looks like. Tries to remember what the Griffin's pool looks like. Tries to remember what Mrs. Johnson's dog looks like. Everything coming up blank. It's due to the distance and having been knocked out so many times. Lexa sighs and starts eating her second helping of meat. She then tells herself to cook some more but save it for the morning.

Her pants are dry and she puts them on. She feels kind of clean as she starts to try and brush her wild hair out with her fingers. After about an hour and a half, she's able to get nearly all the knots out. She decides then to take her butterfly knife and trim her own hair, hoping it'll help in the future. She trims quite a few inches off and starts to feel a little lighter. Once she's done with that she relaxes by the fire. She doesn't really think of anything, just zoning in on the flames that light up the darkness, occasionally sipping from her water. She doesn't know what posses her to reach into her pack, but she does, absentmindedly. She grabs the first envelope she feels and finally breaks her gaze from the flames to look. On it, it's addressed to her, the return address that of a Clarke Griffin-Woods. Lexa sighs and traces over Clarke's handwriting on the envelope for a moment. She then carefully turns it over to the already broken seal. She moves her fingers expertly and precise to remove the content inside the envelope.

Lexa looks up at the date on the top and calculates in her head when Clarke had sent it. It had been, Lexa remembers, about a month or so when she was sent overseas. Lexa remembers that was during their very romantic phase. Mundane topics were rarely discussed and it was mostly about how much they missed and loved one another. Lexa starts reading.

_Dearest Lexa,_

_I'm sorry you had a bad day. I wish I could alleviate whatever pain your heart is going through at the moment, much like you do for me with just a simple smile. Sometimes, I wonder how I ever managed to latch onto someone like you. I can only hope that I can keep you interested in me forever. Just know that i'll forever be interested in you. It's currently Sunday night and I find it to be one of the most lonesome nights of the week for me. I find my longing for you increases ten fold on nights like Sunday. I know millions of other spouses feel the same and i'm not alone. I am with them in solidarity in wishing with all the strength in my mind and heart for your safe return and for peace to be restored. I am currently in the kitchen, the radio is on low, playing old and beautiful music. I am thinking of the Sunday nights to come when you will be listening to such music with me. Aden is in bed, fast asleep. He's growing so much. My stomach is now four months and is beginning to be noticeable. Oh, your favorite song by Louis Armstrong has just come on. I believe you and I will be living La Vie En Rose always. Lexa, I truly and wholly love you. Enduring this separation is hell for me and just know that when you return for good, i'm never letting you go._

_I love you, always_

_Clarke_

Lexa now remembers what tune she had been humming. She now feels it. This journey and fight, is worth it.

//

Lexa wakes near the fire pit. The flames long since burned out. She's on her side and still clutching the letter. Her lifeline from Clarke. It's morning now, the birds are chirping and it feels like a brand new day. A fresh start. Because she knows in her heart, Clarke is waiting. Clarke loves her and she loves Clarke. No matter what has happened or what will happen, that is the constant that will never change. She brings the letter to her lips and kisses the words, dreaming of the day she will be laying her lips on Clarke's once more. She feels more motivated than ever to get to home base. To get to Clarke.

She stretches her limbs, still sore from the fall but feeling better. She places the letter back in its envelope and into her pack. She starts eating the cold cooked meat from the night before and sipping her water. She thinks of which direction would be best to take to try and find a short cut to be back on course, or possibly cut down her time. She decides she'll head east for the day.

She gathers some more meat to put into her pack, straps her hand gun to her thigh and bids farewell to the slaughtered horse. She begins the trek on a cloud. The motivation she needed coming from Clarke's letter giving her a sign. A sign she desperately needed. As she walks, she wonders about the power of true love. She never believed in something like that. She of course believed in love, her parents and Clarke being proof in that. But she never thought it to be such a powerful weapon in its own right. Such a powerful motivator. Any doubts she had about returning home and being forgotten seem to have dissipated. Vanished from Clarke's words to her. Every word she read tells her to keep going. To keep fighting until she is back in Clarke's arms once more. She vows to herself that she will not stop, she will not be discouraged, until she is safely in Clarke's presence once more. Her promise to Clarke before she left ringing true more than ever before.

She continues to walk and walk. She finally stops to take a break. She fills her canteen and nibbles on some of the meat before continuing once more. She looks towards the sun and realizes it's probably around ten in the morning. She's been walking for a good five hours now. For the first time, she actually feels like she's gaining ground. 

She hums the tune lowly. She can't really remember the words, her concussed mind having dimmed that part of her, but she hums. She then is startled by a loud crack. She then watches as the tree in front of her splits from something fast puncturing it. She turns around and there are four Reaper soldiers. The one who fired the shot still holding their gun up in the air. The other three have another gun, one spear, and a bow and arrow. There's a brief stare down for a moment and then Lexa starts sprinting.

Her healing legs and ankle are protesting the sprinting and Lexa knows she's not nearly as fast as she had been before everything. Her gait not being able to help but gallop almost in a limp. She hears the soldiers yelling. Lexa ducks when she hears the gun shots coming towards her and watches them whizz past her, entering the ground and trees. Lexa grabs her gun and fires two shots, both of them entering through the two soldiers with guns' head's. The other two are gaining on her and she knows from that distance they'll be able to throw the spear and shoot an arrow and not at all miss. Lexa pushes through the pain to try and correct her gait so she can run faster. Her body burns with pain and adrenaline as she continues to try and sprint like she use to. 

She runs and runs and runs. She's not sure how long she runs for when she finally slows, realizing the Reapers were no longer behind her or chasing her. 

She stops and looks around, panting and she rests her hands on her thighs, bending over and trying to catch her breath. That's when she notices the stinging pain in her right shoulder. She stands up straight and looks. An arrow is lodged into her shoulder, pierced nearly all the way through. Lexa knows it's definitely not fatal and chuckles at the Reaper for being a bad shot. She goes over to a little area that's hidden. She decides to make a small fire and heat the blade of her butterfly knife to cauterize the wound. She gathers some dried brush and begins the lengthy task of trying to light the flames. Once she gets it lit, she gets her butterfly knife and waits for the blade to heat in a violent orange and red color. Once it heats, she removes her jacket and she takes a deep breath and yanks on the arrow. She feels it tear through the muscle and grits her teeth and groans out. Once it's finally out, she drops it to the ground. She then quickly removes her shirt. She proceeds to press the sweltering blade onto her shoulder blade, hissing at the skin melting together to close it up. Once it's fused, she puts her shirt back on and zips up her jacket. She bends down to pick up the intact arrow. She studies the craftsmanship of the man made arrow. It's actually quite beautiful. The wood has intricate designs burned into it and the arrowhead looks to be a very sharp stone. One thing Lexa then notices is a weird green color covering the arrowhead. She frowns and brings it closer to her eyes to look at the stained color that's mixed with her blood. She decides to bring her pointer finger up and runs it over the arrowhead. She then brings the contents to her lips and swipes it across her bottom lip. Her tongue then pokes out and swipes up the contents that she just brushed onto her lip. She tastes the metallic of her blood and something else. Something bitter. 

Poison.

 

 


	12. A Reckoning Of Sorts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting there folks, we are getting there, I promise. Clarke gets some answers but she's far from done. There's a scene where Aden has a triggering outburst and gets physical with Clarke, it may be upsetting to some people. 
> 
> Next chapter should be up late tonight. As always let me know what you think, love reading the comments! :)

 

 

> Dear Major General Marcus Kane,
> 
> My name is Clarke Griffin-Woods. Months ago, I had received a letter from a man in uniform informing me of my late wife's death in the midst of battle. Signed at the bottom was your name and I don't really know who I should contact with my concerns, so I am contacting you. My wife, Private Alexandria Griffin-Woods, had been killed in action on March 12, 2026. They did not have much information at the time, other than she was killed on that date. Since, we haven't received much information regarding her untimely death and that concerns me. We were informed that her body hadn't been blown up when we received her dog tags but other than that, I have not gotten any other information from the Army. I have not received any of the items I know were on her person, or things that I know were in her living quarters. Having gone to group therapy with others who have lost their loved one, it has occurred to me that this is an unusual practice for the United States military in general. I would love for you to contact me at your earliest convenience so we may discuss my concerns and you may help me understand the lack of information given.
> 
> Regards,
> 
> Clarke Griffin-Woods

Clarke studies what she wrote, it sounds good to her. She hopes he contacts her and will help straighten out her muddled brain. If Lexa is alive, they could probably send a team in and rescue her. Clarke knows deep down it may be foolish to have her hopes up, but she can't help it. Ever since Daniel McIntyre had been wrongly mistaken as KIA, she can't help but feel maybe that's what is going on. Lexa might just be lost. She decides she's keeping her sleuthing to herself, not telling her father or even her therapist. She wants to do this on her own and get some answers. She's also afraid that they will try and talk her out of it. She moves to seal the letter into the envelope to mail to Washington D.C. and expects that he will receive the letter in a day or so. She puts the stamp on and walks past the living room where Aden and Lia are cuddled up together, watching some kids program. Clarke smiles at the two, Aden holding her close as Lia's eyes watch the screen intently. She quietly exits the house, walks down to the end of their driveway and puts the letter into the mailbox, raising the flag in the process. She walks back into the house and makes her way to sit with her kids. She picks Lia up from Aden's lap before sitting down next to him. Quietly, they watch the kids program together.

Clarke can't help but feel, almost giddy at the prospect that her wife could be out there. Maybe that's why it never felt real to her. Why she couldn't make heads or tails of it. Deep down, a little voice in her brain is telling her to not get her hopes up...

"Mom?" Aden breaks her from her thoughts. Clarke turns to look at him.

"What? Sorry, got lost in my thoughts. What is it bud?" Clarke smiles at him. 

"I just asked what time we're gonna leave for football practice?" Aden asks, turning his attention back to the television. Clarke looks towards the wall with the clock and checks the time. She didn't realize she spent almost two hours writing and re-writing that letter in the kitchen. 

"In a little over an hour. So go get your things and get dressed in the new practice uniform I got, the other one is washing." Clarke tells him. He continues watching the television. Clarke rolls her eyes and then stands with Lia, putting her on her hip. She stands in front of Aden with her free hand extended, "Come on monkey butt, let's go!" Clarke says. Aden huffs but a smile is on his lips as he lets Clarke pull him up. He marches upstairs to his room and Clarke takes herself and Lia into the kitchen. They start getting together snacks and gatorade for his practice, once they're done, Clarke decides to practice helping Lia walk. She sits her down on the floor and picks up just her arms, making her stand. Clarke then keeps ahold of her as they try walking, Clarke coos at her and praises her as she giggles. She can stand now using something to get up, it's crazy to Clarke how fast she's learning and growing. 

Soon, Aden is coming downstairs in his practice pants and his under armor shirt. He looks so adorable to Clarke. She remembers when he first wanted to start practicing football with Lexa when he was seven. She was terrified about him getting hurt, but now she just thinks he looks too cute in his football uniform. 

"I can't find my pads or practice jersey." He says. Clarke thinks about it as she still holds Lia up by her arms.

"Pads are in the garage i'm pretty sure. Jersey might be in my room in one of the shopping bags." Clarke tries. He nods and goes scurrying off. Clarke picks up Lia fully and starts attacking her face with kisses as she squeals and giggles. 

"I love you, pretty girl." Clarke tells the baby. The baby beams at Clarke like she understands her. Soon Aden is coming back into the kitchen with his shoulder pads and jersey. He starts forcing the jersey over the pads while sitting at the kitchen table. "You have your mouth guard?" Clarke asks him. He nods and continues with getting ready. It's not long then that they are gathering the rest of their things and headed to the car. Clarke gets Lia all buckled and Aden gets into the car next to her, trying to get his cleats on. She looks at him and smiles to herself, it had only been last year that he still needed a booster seat, now he's taller and can do all of these things by himself. She wishes so much that Lexa could see him now.

Once they're all situated they're off to drive to the middle school football field. Clarke hasn't actually been by the middle school since Lexa's passing, finding it too hard. She remembers when she'd get off early from her shift and would bring Aden with her to spend lunch in her classroom. Watching her students come in every now and then to ask a question to her. It was so funny to Clarke to watch the students both fear and respect her, cause she was the lucky one to get to see her softness, her playfulness. Her father had been driving Aden to his practices but he had asked her mother out on a date so that's what they were doing. She's happy to fight through her sadness if it means her parents are starting to work things out.

They make it and before Clarke can fully stop, Aden is out the door with his shoulder pads in one hand and helmet in the other. Clarke yells at him but he's sprinting and long gone before he can hear here. Clarke takes a moment to breathe as she sits in the parking lot. She closes her eyes and focuses on Lia's babbles. She then sighs and opens them back up and makes her way out of the car. After gathering Lia and the rest of Aden's things she heads to the field. Some of the parents watch her and start whispering to each other and Clarke just rolls her eyes. She wonders when she'll ever stop being the talk of the town. Widower with a baby and young son. As she walks past some of them who give her sympathetic smiles, she spots Raven standing by the sidelines with her arms crossed looking at the little footballers. She makes her way over to her best friend and stands next to her.

"Didn't know you'd be here." Clarke comments. Raven nods but continues to study the kids. 

"I come every now and then. Jake is usually here and we like to talk shop while they practice." Raven explains. Clarke nods and turns to watch the kids as well. Out of the corner of her eye she still sees the parents staring over at her and whispering amongst themselves, almost like they're telling her story to a parent who doesn't know it. Every now and then she sees eyes widen, a glance, somber look, eyes widen, repeat. Clarke sighs and looks down into Lia's carseat, she's asleep.

"You think they'll ever stop staring?" Clarke asks Raven. Raven looks to Clarke and then over her shoulder at the other parents. She glares and then looks back to Clarke.

"It's a small town. What happened...things like that don't usually happen in places like this." Raven shrugs. Clarke sighs.

"Well I figure since Daniel's return from the dead, that'd be what everyone wants to talk about." Clarke suggests. Raven shrugs again.

"They're a boring white hetero couple who finally had something interesting happen. You, on the other hand..." Raven smirks. Clarke smiles and just rolls her eyes.

"That's mean. I wouldn't call thinking your spouse is dead and then it turns out to be a mistake interesting." Clarke tells her pointedly. Raven softens her features and touches Clarke's shoulder.

"Are you okay with that? I mean, did witnessing that bring up some bad shit? Because you can always talk to me you know." Raven tells her. Clarke shakes her head.

"It's fine, really. I am super elated and happy for them. Of course there was a moment of envy but, you know, what can I do?" Clarke asks rhetorically. Raven nods and squeezes Clarke's shoulder. They then turn back towards the practice.

Aden sprints and runs drills. Clarke sometimes thinks they are treating the peewee league like it's the professionals and isn't too thrilled about it. Watching her son dive for hard catches and getting tackled. If she didn't know any better, she'd think she was watching an actual High School game instead of a youth practice. They're nine and ten year olds, they don't need to be working them so hard. But for Aden's sake, she's going to keep her mouth shut. She knows if it was truly worrisome, her father would have talked to the coach. One thing is for certain, her son is very good, probably the best receiver on this new team as well. Being good at pretty much anything he tries he gets from Lexa. Lexa had always had natural talent at basically anything. One time at the beach, Lexa decide to try surfing without a lesson and just got up on the board and surfed. They went snowboarding once awhile back and she was done with the bunny hill within twenty minutes and headed up to the big hills. She even knows at Basic Training that she had one of the fastest times in the ropes course portion. This just further proves the point in her head that a bullet in the middle of a battle couldn't have brought her down. No way.

"Octavia misses you." Raven says quietly. Clarke huffs and sighs.

"I don't need her in my life right now. The things she said are unforgivable." Clarke tells her sternly. 

"You are absolutely right. But at the same time, you guys have been best friends longer than anyone." Raven tries. Clarke shakes her head and turns to Raven.

"That's not true." Clarke tells her lowly. Raven looks confused for a split second then realizes what Clarke is implying. Lexa was actually her best friend longer. Raven sighs. "Look, it doesn't matter that she was drunk and didn't mean it or whatever. Usually alcohol helps with telling your true feelings so deep down, that's how she's been seeing me. I don't need her negative thoughts at the moment when I already have them myself. I'm fixing myself and that requires doing things for my own mental health, and i'm not going to apologize for that. It's going to take me a very long time to even be in the same room as her, so don't even try to suggest I go talk to her. End of discussion." Clarke finishes. Raven looks down at the ground and just nods. 

"I just hate seeing you guys like this, I hate being in the middle." Raven says after a moment. Clarke turns her head to look at her.

"I don't know why you'd think you're in the middle. I'm not making you choose sides at all. You can hang out with her and you can hang out with me. It's just got to be separately for a long while." Clarke explains. Raven bites her lip and nods. 

They spend the rest of the practice in mostly silence. They comment on different kids or on Aden's form. Clarke asks her how work is going and she does the same. Clarke does feel a little bad that Raven feels caught up in the middle, but she won't compromise her progress just so it's easier for Raven to hang out with the both of them together. She's not ready to have a discussion with Octavia, she has other things that currently need her attention. Her questions for Major General Marcus Kane.

//

It's two days later that her phone rings with a number she doesn't recognize. She looks at the caller I.D. and sees it's a number coming from D.C. and her heart rate starts picking up. She's grateful that she's alone in the house for the day, her father and mother having taken both the kids out for a joint grandparents day. She hesitates for a moment, then clicks the green answering button.

"Clarke Griffin-Woods speaking." She says into the receiver. She hears a throat clear and then a crisp clear man's voice, with the slightest hint of an accent come through.

"Hi, Mrs. Griffin-Woods, my name is Major General Marcus Kane, I believe you sent me a letter regarding your late wife?" Marcus Kane questions. Clarke nods and then remembers she's talking on the phone and he can't see her. 

"Yes, that was me." Clarke replies. Her heart is hammering, she has never felt so much hope in her life. He doesn't sound somber or anything like that. Maybe she's just reading too much into it.

"Great! Um, first off, on behalf of the entire military and United States, my deepest sympathies and I apologize on the lack of information you haven't received in the months that has since past. I can only imagine the questions you have been asking yourself." Marcus says. Clarke feels her heart drop a little at the change in tone and the message in the tone. Clarke clears her throat a little.

"Thank you, I appreciate it." Clarke states. He then sighs and she can hear some typing on a computer and some ruffling of papers.

"Alright, no need to keep you waiting. In your letter addressed to me, you wanted to know why you haven't received any of your wife's personal items that you knew were on her person. That confused me as well, given that she had not been killed by a bomb. I decided to go into the report that was sent and it looks like the statements from the two soldiers who were with your wife in enemy territory said she died from injuries sustained by an attack with an enemy soldier. The mission they had been sent on was for them to get intel in enemy territory and they were pressed on time and didn't have enough of it to get her things and bring them back with them. But it does say here that they gave her a proper burial although they weren't able to provide her exact coordinates, but the general area." He finishes. Clarke feels her face pale and heart drop. She has complete confirmation now. She had been buried out there. She had died out there in foreign lands, so far away from home. It's no longer a game of what if. She is dead. Clarke swallows the lump in her throat so she can continue talking to him.

"What-uh-what were they doing there? I mean...she wasn't special ops or anything like that. She was just a Private." Clarke cringes at her own cracking voice as she asks the question.

"I wish I could tell you but that's classified information. I can tell you that your wife was very gifted in the language of Trigdesleng and being able to read maps, but that's about as much information I can give you on the mission at the moment." Marcus replies. Clarke closes her eyes. Of course she was gifted in those things. She always had to be good at things she just picked up. And now, her talent has gotten her killed. "Are you still there Mrs. Griffin-Woods?" Marcus's voice asks. Clarke clears her constricting throat once more.

"Uhhum, yeah-yeah. I'm here. Sorry, I just. I. This is the first time it's all actually been confirmed for me." Clarke tells him. She can hear his sympathetic sigh.

"I am terribly sorry once more that more information wasn't extended to you sooner. I promise you that i'm going to look into what happened in regards to getting you the information you needed." Marcus says sincerely. Clarke nods, forgetting once more that he can't see her.

"Thank you. Um, I do have one more question." Clarke states.

"Absolutely, go ahead." Clarke can hear the genuine smile in his voice.

"Right. Um, is there anyone from her unit back here in the states that I could speak with?" Clarke asks hesitantly. She knows she needs to hear the whole story from someone who was there with her. What did she say when she passed? Was she hurting? Was she at peace? Did she suffer? Clarke can feel the emotions picking up once more like before. Thinking of Lexa dying out in a place she didn't know with people she didn't truly know. Buried somewhere Clarke can't go.

"Ummmm-" She hears typing on his computer, "It looks like not yet. Their tour is still going on and it looks like one other person from their unit was KIA not long after your wife's passing. I can contact you in the future when I know one of them is back? I'm sure it'd be helpful to talk to someone who could give you more details, having been there." Marcus suggests. Clarke nods again and shakes her head at her foolishness once more.

"Yes, I'd really appreciate that." Clarke's voice cracks at the end of the sentence. She bites her lip to keep it from trembling.

"Alright I will contact you once more when someone has come home. Once again my deepest apologies and sympathies that you had to reach out for information regarding Private Alexandria Griffin-Woods. Take care." Marcus says. 

"You too." Clarke croaks. Tears already spilling out of her eyes. She hastily hangs up the phone. She sets the phone on the counter and hurries into the level floor bathroom. She barely gets the toilet seat up when she starts vomiting the contents of her stomach out. She hangs her head, waiting if more will come out, but it doesn't. She flushes and moves over to the sink to splash cold water onto her face. She stares at her watery, red rimmed blue eyes and pale face. Her lip is still trembling and a few tears are now coming down her face. She shouldn't have been so foolish to believe that she could still be out there. She technically is, she's just not alive. Not breathing. It has been confirmed for the first time that her beautiful Lexa is truly gone.

Clarke walks out of the bathroom and to the counter top. She picks up her phone and sends her father a text that she isn't feeling well and that she'll be in bed for the evening. He replies with a get better and that he's got the kids for the night, and Clarke makes her way up the stairs. The minute she shuts the bedroom and locks it, she starts stripping and heading into the bathroom to shower. She lets it run hot and gets under and just stands and stares. She thinks about what Marcus had said. She had been attacked it sounds like, and it sounds like she died later from the injuries. God, thinking of Lexa being attacked makes Clarke's stomach churn once more. So bad that she died from the injuries she sustained. Soon, Clarke's mind begins filling in the blanks and she starts to visualize Lexa being attacked. Clarke lets out a violent sob at the image and rests her head on the cool tiles, letting her tears run down. Long after the water has turned cold, Clarke finally leaves the shower. She towels off briefly and just slips under the sheets of her bed. She lays on her side, facing what use to be Lexa's side of the bed. She then grabs ahold of the pillow that has long lost her scent and head shape and brings it within her clutches and sobs herself to sleep.

//

Clarke hasn't completely fallen back into her old patterns but she's pretty damn close. She's solemn, and isn't talkative. It's clear that she's just moving through the motions. Having it confirmed was one thing and then Lexa's birthday coming up was another. She just feels so overwhelmed. Last year on Lexa's birthday, she wasn't home but Clarke and Aden still had their own little party. Complete with lots of pictures for her and many letters. Now, there's nothing to give. No happy pictures to take. No letters to send. There's nothing. Two days before Lexa's birthday, Jake sits her down, growing concerned once more. It's late in the evening, Aden and Lia both sound asleep after Clarke put them to bed. Jake gestures for Clarke to have a seat at the kitchen table and she complies.

"I know it's going to be hard. The day that's coming up. It's going to be very difficult and I can tell it's already starting to mess with you. So let's talk, okay?" Jake says to her gently. Clarke nods, knowing for herself, she needs to talk this out, even if it's painful. Jake sighs and reaches for Clarke's hand. "Is it her birthday coming up? Or did something else happen that has made you this sad once more?" Jake asks. Clarke bites her lip and looks down at their hands. She should tell him the truth. 

"It's her birthday, but it's also something else. I did something." Clarke says. Jake furrows his brow and waits for Clarke to continue. She takes a deep breath and continues. "That day, when Daniel came back and I saw Harper and him reunite I was so happy for them, but I was also super envious. I then started spinning these theories. We never got Lexa's things back and we don't have a body and we never really got any information about her death. I started asking myself more and more questions and then truly started to believe that she could still be out there, alive. That she could just be lost or something. So I contacted the Major General about my questions and the lack of information. He called me and apologized and then told me..." Clarke starts crying as Jake brings her close to his chest. He starts stroking her hair and trying to soothe her. 

"He. Told. Me. She's. Buried. There. That. It was. Confirmed. By two people. Who. Were. With her." Clarke says in-between sobs. "She was. Attacked. By an. Enemy. Soldier. And she. Died. From. The. Injuries." Clarke continues to cry. Jake starts shushing her, having heard enough of the situation. Clarke continues to cry into her father's chest, having it out now feels a little better but draining. "I just want her home, dad. I just want her home." She finds herself crying. She feels him nod, clearly getting that it's her body that she wants home. 

The next day, Clarke feels a little better after pouring everything out to her father. She decides to make plans with everyone for Lexa's birthday. They'll all meet at Clarke's then go to the cemetery together to lay flowers and birthday cards. Her mother then suggested they should go back to their house and she'll have something catered and they can all just spend the evening together. Clarke decides that's the best she can do this year, part of her just wants to be alone with Aden and Lia. She thinks though, being around others will help some. Later on in the evening both her mother and father sit down in the kitchen with Clarke, saying they have some news. Clarke thinks their either announcing they are getting back together or their divorce. 

Jake takes a deep breath and then starts, "Earlier this afternoon, I contacted someone from the Army commission. I wanted to see what we could do to get Lexa's body back home to the states." Clarke nods, "I didn't want you going and trying to see about it yourself. I guess, it's something they just can't do. Because Lexa was buried in enemy territory, they can't send a team in and risk their lives for someone who is already passed. They said it could be possible when the war ends, but until then...i'm sorry honey." Jake finishes. Clarke sets her jaw and just nods. More disappointment. They are all then startled by Aden, who is in the entrance of the kitchen looking very angry. 

"Mama is coming home." He says sternly. Clarke sighs and stands from her seat and makes her way over to Aden. She sniffs and goes down to his level.

"She's not coming home." Clarke's shaky voice tells him. He glares at her.

"Yes she is!" Aden yells, startling Clarke, she's never really heard him yell like that before. Clarke tries to grab ahold of his hands but he rips them away. "No! She is coming home! How can you say that!? What's wrong with you!?" He's growing more and more angry. Clarke watches as he leaves and stomps up the stairs. Clarke stands and looks at her parents who look very shocked. Them also never seeing Aden like that. Clarke makes her way up the stairs and can hear things being thrown around in Aden's room. She rushes up and opens the door, he's completely destroying his room and hitting things and yelling.

"Hey! Stop!" Clarke yells out to him but he's in a totally different world right now. She walks over to him to try and calm him down. She tries to get her arms around him but he whips around and slaps Clarke across the face, hard. Clarke's instincts make her hand fly to where he slapped her. He looks at her with a clenched jaw and watery eyes. Clarke's breathing deeply and just slowly moves over to him to wrap her arms around him. He tries once more to push her away but Clarke gets her arms around him.

"Let me go!" He yells out, struggling in Clarke's arms. "Let me go!" He repeats over and over. 

"Shhhhhhhh." Clarke soothingly shushes him and starts trying to sway them. After awhile he slowly but surely stops struggling and Clarke brings their bodies down to the floor. Jake and Abby watch them from the doorway, both wide eyed. Clarke guesses they probably saw the slap. She continues rocking them, trying to get his body to relax. 

"She promised. She promised." He repeats, and Clarke can hear the tremble in his voice. She continues to shush him gently and rock him. He slowly begins to relax into her embrace and starts crying into Clarke, apologizing for hurting her. Clarke just starts stroking his hair and begins humming a tune to calm down his cries. Soon he exhausts himself and falls asleep with Clarke holding him. Jake steps into the destroyed room and picks him up from out of Clarke's embrace on the floor and puts him in his bed. Clarke stands and makes her way to the doorway, her cheek is definitely stinging. Abby places her hands on Clarke's cheek.

"Let's get some ice." She whispers as Jake starts trying to quietly pick up some of Aden's things in the room. Clarke nods and they make their way downstairs. Abby rummages through the kitchen to make an ice pack as Clarke sits on the stool at the island, going over what just happened. Abby makes her way over to Clarke once she's finished and hands the pack over to her. She then takes a seat next to Clarke.

"Has that happened before?" Abby asks after a minute. Clarke shakes her head.

"Never. I don't think i've ever really heard him raise his voice." Clarke tells her. Abby nods and sighs. 

"You should probably talk with him. Between the fight at the camp and what just happened...that makes me worried." Abby tells Clarke. Clarke nods. She never really thought she needed to be concerned with Aden. He never once yelled at her for basically abandoning him at the beginning of all this. They've been nothing but supportive to one another. Partners in crime, Clarke likes to say. Seeing him be that angry at her, so much so that he'd strike her. It's definitely more worrisome than his no talking phase. She can tell what triggers it though. The fight at the camp was triggered by Lexa's dog tags being thrown in the deep end. This outburst was from hearing Lexa's body is buried in enemy territory and they can't get it back till after the war. It's the memory of Lexa being threatened that sets him off. Clarke leans back in the stool and sighs, keeping the ice pack pressed to her cheek. 

"I wish she was here."

//

Clarke, Aden, Lia, Jake, and Abby make their way to the cemetery. Clarke and Aden had sat in his room all that morning talking with one another calmly. He apologized profusely and said that when he heard what Papa said, he just saw red again like what had happened at the camp. He then calmly told her his feelings and how he just doesn't want her to be gone. Clarke then reminded him what Lexa had told him the morning she left. That she was always going to be in his heart, whenever she needed him. They both cried and hugged one another. He then cleaned up the rest of his destroyed room. Her mother had stayed the night that night in the guest bedroom with her father. Clarke can't help but be happy that they are working things out. She watches them hold hands from the backseat. She looks over at Lia who is asleep and then Aden who's staring down at his hands. Clarke reaches over and puts her hands on his. He looks up and Clarke gives him a sad smile. 

Gustus, Raven, Anya, and Lincoln are already at the plot when they arrive. Clarke notices the absence of Octavia but doesn't comment on it as she hugs everyone. From there everyone stares at the headstone in silence. It's then Clarke sets the lilies she bought down and a love letter she had written the night before. Soon everyone is setting flowers and candles and cards down. Gustus sets two bouquets down. One on Lexa's grave the next on Caroline Woods' grave. Clarke holds his hand when he makes his way back over. She's happy no one has commented on the slight bruise on her cheek. They don't need to know about Aden's outburst. Soon it begins to rain, almost like the heavens above can sense the heartache and they all retreat back to the vehicles to go to the Griffin household. Getting inside, everyone starts getting some food and sitting around the living. Not much talking is going on as everyone begins eating. Clarke holds off on eating while she sits with a fussy Lia who has just awoken from her nap. The silence is tense and starting to grow uncomfortable. It's then, the one person everyone can count on breaking tense silences, speaks.

"God, remember that guy that tried hitting on you our Sophomore year of college? And Lex was like 'i'm not jealous' but then she went up to you one day and just laid one right on you and then purposely yelled out 'hi my beautiful WIFE!' and the guy was so embarrassed that he switched out of your class?" Raven starts chuckling. Clarke can't help but laugh at the memory and she nods, and notices everyone's faces breaking into small smiles. 

"I'll never forget catching her sneaking into your window one night, thinking you were home. She looked like a deer caught in headlights and you know what she did? She just backed up without a word and climbed back out of the window and went home." Jake starts laughing. Clarke quirks her brow, having never heard that story.

"I never knew that." Clarke smiles as her father starts laughing hard, clearly the memory was a great visual only he got to see. From there more and more stories are being told, ones Clarke had heard or been apart of, other's she didn't know about. She looks over at Aden whose smiling sitting next to Gustus, just taking in all the stories he didn't know about Lexa. Clarke feels her heart clench, wishing he'd be able to learn all these things from her, but he can't. The stories begin to die down and Abby moves to turn on the radio low and goes over to Clarke to take Lia from her so she can eat. 

"Today would have been fallen hero, Lexa Griffin-Woods' 29th birthday. For that, this next song is for her. Happy birthday, green eyes." The radio host, it sounds like Bobby Hunt, who they were friends with in High School, announces on the radio. Then the song 'Goin Home' by Dan Auerbach starts playing. Clarke doesn't feel the urge to turn it off. It's actually a nice silence that falls over the room as the song plays. Clarke closes her eyes and just listens to the music. Everyone else doing the same. They're broken out of the moment with a knock on the door. Since Clarke is already standing she heads for the door.

Clarke opens and sees a solemn looking Bellamy looking at her. Clarke squares her jaw.

"You are definitely the last person I want to see today, or ever for that matter." Clarke spits. Bellamy looks down at his feet.

"I know." He mutters. 

"Great, see you never." Clarke starts to shut the door but he stops it with his hand. 

"One minute. That's it." Bellamy asks. Clarke clenches her jaw and then rolls her eyes and nods. She crosses her arms in front of her chest defensively and waits for the inevitable groveling that will come out of his mouth.

"I am so terribly sorry for how I behaved that night towards you. Towards everyone, really. Things got messed up in my head and I was dealing with it wrong and I took out my insecurities on you and for that I sincerely apologize. It's no excuse though at all. People go through shit all the time and they don't act like assholes, I was being an asshole. I'm not asking you for forgiveness or anything like that. Hell i'm not even asking for us to be friends again. I'm just asking that you hear me." Bellamy finishes quickly. Clarke sighs. She's definitely not forgiving him, or even wanting to be friends with him anymore. 

"I hear you." Clarke says after a minute. He nods and then looks down at his feet again. Clarke then gets an idea. "Can I ask you a question?" She asks hesitantly. Bellamy looks up and nods. "If someone were in enemy territory and they were hurt and died from their injuries, why wouldn't they take the body back with them? To give back to their family?" Clarke asks. Bellamy looks at her confused at first but then she sees something click in his eyes.

"Clarke, the way that country is built...it'd be very difficult to get a body back to wherever home base is. And even if you try, you'd be putting your entire unit at risk. Trying to carry it back with you just doesn't make sense. What you do is bury them and then mark their coordinates for their families." He pauses, "I am sorry about Lexa. She was a good person, stern as all hell, but she was good. Good for you. Good for everyone. I'm really sorry about the things I said about her." Clarke clenches her jaw and nods. "I'm gonna go. See ya around." Bellamy says and then he's departing. 

Clarke didn't realize she still had hope and doubts when she had asked Bellamy that question. She didn't realize the flame was still ignited inside her chest. Then he unknowingly blew it out. She walks back into the living room as people are launched into stories about Lexa once more. She sits down quietly, not even going back to get food like she had been doing. She takes Lia from her mother and just holds her tight, like she's her lifeline. Everyone notices, but they don't say anything. They continue on with their memories of Lexa and Clarke zones out. Trying to think of how to get that flame ignited once more.

 

 


	13. Dangerous Liaisons In This Town

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep in mind of what Lexa told Aden before she left. She'd go to hell and back for Clarke and him. A lot has to happen before the reunion.
> 
> Next chapter will be here tomorrow and that one I have a feeling will give you guys feelings. 
> 
> Of course as always, let me know what you think! The response to this story has been incredible and I thank you for reading it!

Lexa is running. She thinks she hears bombs in the distance but she knows she's just imagining it due to the poison. The trees look like they're melting and the ground is moving and swaying, but yet she continues to run. She thought she saw some sort of mutated human lurking behind a tree. Not long after she discovered the arrow was poisoned did she start seeing things. She first thought a bird had landed on her hand. Then she thought it was talking to her. Now she's drenched in sweat and to anyone watching from afar, probably think she's running like an idiot. It's all woods and paranoia that is flagging her brain. She wonders if this poison is actually going to kill her, or suppose to make her so disoriented that she won't know which way to get to home base. Maybe that's the tactic they were going for. Just confuse the shit out of the American soldier behind enemy lines. She has to give them props on the back, it's definitely working.

She stumbles a little and falls. Right as she falls, a clown like figure comes rushing towards her. Lexa is up in a flash and sprinting away from it once more. Deep in her mind, she knows it's not real. But it's so vivid she can't help but freak out a little. She can't help but think a clown is totally in the middle of the woods during a war coming after her. Time seems to be irrelevant as she continues running and soon she stumbles upon a quiet town. There's bombed out buildings and litter everywhere. She walks around wondering whether this is also a hallucination or if this is real. There are abandoned cars by the sidewalk. Shops have their windows broken and there's some blood littering the sidewalk and streets. Lexa furrows her brow, this seems way too vivid to be a hallucination. 

Lexa continues to walk around the ghost like town. If this really isn't a hallucination, a soldier could shoot her dead and she wouldn't have time to even blink. She's way out in the open, and too mesmerized by the buildings to even contemplate being stealth. It's been months and months since she's seen a town/city. She's been surrounded by, at first the beach invasion, then nothing but wilderness. They haven't stumbled upon a city at all in their battles and missions. Lexa realizes now that it's because she's now so far into enemy territory. Their cities have been bombed but haven't been invaded yet. Or even close to being invaded. Lexa thinks she sees something coming from a building. She thought she saw someone peek their head out and then go back in. Lexa slowly makes her way over to the building but looks down at her feet. They look like they are melded into the pavement on the ground and she feels like she can't move. This must be the poison really setting in. Maybe it makes you hallucinate then is paralyzes you so your enemy can kill you. She feels the sweat from her forehead running down into her eyes. She guesses she must have a high fever once more. 

Soon it almost feels like the ground is giving way. Everything is going blurry and spazzing out. She feels herself falling but she never hits the ground. Arms are around her and they are dragging her. She looks up and she's pretty positive that side profile is Clarke. Is she dead? Is her life flashing before her eyes like people say? At this point she doesn't know what's up and what's down. She especially can't tell what is real and what isn't.

The woman is dragging her towards the building she saw a head poke out of. They enter the building and they're in a stairwell. She's then picking up Lexa and carrying her up a couple flights of steps before they stop. She opens an old wooden door with numbers on it and they enter. Lexa looks around. Now this is a very vivid hallucination. It's an apartment. It's got all sorts of nick knacks and photographs of people Lexa's never seen before. There's a piano by the window and a couch in the middle of the room. The woman carries Lexa to the couch and lays her down. The fabric underneath feels very real. She leaves and Lexa can hear a faucet running. This can't be a hallucination, this is way too real to be one.

Soon the woman returns and begins dabbing Lexa's forehead. She studies Lexa's face. Lexa can't really see the woman's face clearly, her eyes fuzzy but she looks like Clarke. The blonde hair, she can tell the woman has blue eyes. She looks like her wife.

"Clarke?" Lexa croaks out.

//

Lexa awakens once more. She's still on that couch and in the apartment. Convinced now that it totally wasn't a hallucination. She feels eyes on her and moves her head to the side. She's met with a little boy with brown hair and brown eyes staring at her. He looks to be about five. Lexa sits up on the couch, feeling a little awkward, as the boy continues to just stare at Lexa. She then gives the little boy a small smile and he casts his eyes down. Then the wooden door opens once more and the woman that helped Lexa comes in. She does look strikingly like Clarke. She's got the same blonde hair that is in waves, pinned back from her eyes. Pale skin and striking blue eyes. She's taller though, thinner. She looks older than Clarke, the subtle crows feet by her eyes giving that away. 

She shoos the boy away to another room and moves into the kitchen for a minute. She then comes back with a glass of water and makes her way over to Lexa. She sits on the table in front of the couch and hands the glass to Lexa. Lexa nods and begins to sip the water. 

"You should drink more than that." She comments in English. Her accent is thick but she spoke perfect English. Lexa's eyebrows raise. Surprised that she's encountered someone who can speak English.

"You speak English." Lexa states hoarsely. She nods and gestures with her eyes for Lexa to keep drinking the water. Lexa brings the glass back to her lips and sucks down about half of it and then looks at the woman as if asking if that was to her satisfaction. She nods and Lexa sets the glass down next to the woman on the table. "What's your name?" Lexa asks after a moment. The woman hesitates for a moment but replies.

"Amara. Yours?" She asks. 

"Lexa. Alexandria actually." Lexa tells her. She nods and gives Lexa a small smile. Lexa checks over her own body, trying to figure out if it's healthy still. 

"You were poisoned. It wasn't fatal though." Amara seems to read her mind. Lexa nods and then furrows her brow.

"Why wouldn't they just kill me?" Lexa questions. Amara frowns and thinks about the question for a moment. 

"The Reapers don't make sense. They never have." Amara says. Lexa nods and realizes there's a deeper meaning there. Amara stands with the glass and starts walking back into the kitchen. Lexa leans back on the arm of the couch, taking in the softness she hasn't felt in months. 

"You don't support them." Lexa states, rather than asks. She hears a hum of confirmation coming from the kitchen and plates being clanked together. This whole scene is such a stark contrast to where she had been before. She wasn't even sure civilizations other than soldiers and woods existed in the country. She's curious why the town is basically empty. She can gather people were probably evacuated, judging by the torn up buildings from certain American bombs. "What's your boy's name?" Lexa decides to ask an easier question. Soon Amara returns with a tray of soup and bread. Lexa can feel her mouth watering already. 

"Nero." She replies as she sits the tray on the table beside her. Lexa quirks her brow.

"Like the Roman Emperor?" Lexa asks. A small smirk forms on Amara's lips and she nods. "You know he was considered probably psychotic?" Lexa tries to joke. It does get a small chuckle out of Amara as she grabs the bowl of soup. She scoops some of the contents and brings it up to Lexa's lips. Lexa slurps it and tastes the chicken stock and other flavors. She almost moans at the taste, but is able to keep it back. 

"He was extravagant and calculating though. You need that in life." Amara replies as she continues to feed Lexa. Lexa feels a little bad at the fact that Amara feels she must feed Lexa by hand, so she grabs the spoon from her after slurping the contents and gestures for her to hand over the bowl. She complies and Lexa starts heartily eating down the soup. Amara watches her the whole time, almost like she's in a trance. "Do you have a family?" She asks, looking at the empty spot on Lexa's ring finger. 

"I do. I have a pregnant wife and a son. Actually, she's probably not pregnant anymore, so I also have a daughter as well." Lexa replies as she takes another bite of the delectable soup. Amara nods and looks down at her hands.

"What are their names?" She asks. Lexa stops eating and turns to look at her and smiles.

"Clarke, that's my wife. Aden is my son. I'm not sure what my wife named our daughter." Lexa tells her. She scrunches her nose up briefly.

"Isn't Clarke a boy's name?" Amara asks. Lexa can't help but chuckle.

"I think that's what I thought the first time I heard her name when I was five. But usually yes. It suits her though." Lexa then brings the bowl up to her lips and drains the rest of the broth. She feels so warm and full. Amara smiles at Lexa's look of contentment. Lexa feels as though she could fall asleep once more but decides against it. "How far away are we from La Crioux Ridge?" Lexa knows she probably made a whole mess with her running crazily into the woods.

"In terms of-" Amara waits for Lexa to fill in the blank.

'By foot." Lexa inserts. Amara nods and thinks about it. It's about a minute before she speaks once more.

"I would say three months." Amara says. Lexa's eyebrows widen comically. Three months?! She thought she would be walking around for another ten months. In her hallucinating state, she must have unknowingly stumbled upon a short cut. Lexa's face breaks out into a smile. Three months. Three months she can walk up into camp and beat the shit out of Quint. Three months she'll get to hold Aden and Clarke in her arms. Three months she'll meet her newborn baby. Three months. 

It's not long after that that Amara lets Nero come back into the living room. He doesn't speak english though so Lexa speaks to him in Trigdesleng. He quietly teaches her a puzzle he had been working on and Amara tells Lexa about the town she's in. It turns out she's in the town of Fredricks. It had been bombed a couple weeks prior by American bomber planes. Most of the town evacuated and have yet to return. Amara had decided to take her chances with it. After awhile, Nero goes off to bed and Amara and Lexa stay up watching the moonlight dance across the broken buildings through the window.

"I could give you my vehicle." Amara speaks after a moment. Lexa perks up at this prospect, but the rational side of her knows it'd be totally wrong to leave a single mother in a ripped out town without a vehicle to get away. Lexa shakes her head.

"That's alright. I'm sure you'll need it for yourself." Lexa tells her. She nods and the two fall back in silence. She then stands and makes her way back into the kitchen once more. After a few minutes she comes out with another glass of water and hands it to Lexa once more. Lexa sips at first, until she gives her a look, then she sucks it all the way down. She leans back once more on the couch and settles in. She begins to feel light and airy. Much like she did when the older Reaper gave her that concoction in the hut. Exhaustion must be setting in. Mixed with a decent meal and nice conversation, it's no wonder she's tired. She's been starved of real human connection for months. Before she knows it, she's drifting off to sleep.

//

Lexa feels a cold sensation on her neck. She slowly opens her eyes and is met with steely grey ones. She startles and realizes the cold sensation on her neck is that of a knife. Her eye adjust to the darkness and realizes it's a Reaper soldier. His uniform crisp, hair perfectly coifed. Lexa feels her insides burn. She turns to look at something behind him. There in the corner is Amara, with her arm wrapped around Nero looking at Lexa with venom and defiance. She lied. Lexa doesn't even have to ask. She planned this. Lexa's defenses were down so much, she didn't see the signs. The hum in response to her supporting questions. The taste of the water. God, Lexa feels stupid as all hell right now. Before she even has time to react, the Reaper soldier removes the knife from her neck and uses the butt of it to knock her out.

She comes to as she feels whatever she's sitting on slow. She opens her eyes to blinding sunlight and heat. She looks down at herself and sees her hands and feet are bound. Her pack laying not far in front of her. She then realizes she's in a military jeep. She looks at her surroundings and sees in the distance the ocean. She hears the soldiers driving the jeep talking in Trigdesleng and tries to turn around to catch a glimpse of their faces. Soon the jeep stops and Lexa peeks to look around. They're outside a barbed wire gate, waiting to be let in. Lexa sees multiple Reaper soldiers acting like guards. Her eyes then pan up to the top of the gate. Honon.

Honon, a prisoner of war camp. Honon, rumored to be the worst out of them all. Honon, where Lexa is about to be placed after all those miles of just trying to get home. Honon, where Lexa's feels her spirit get its first chink in the armor. _Fucking Honon._


	14. Doubt Is A Powerful Thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is being posted later than usual but Eliza killed me at the con today with all her Lexa/Clexa talk and looking fucking gorgeous.
> 
> Anyways, on this episode of Clarke the amazing sleuth-er...but really. Hold on to your seats.
> 
> As always (starting to sound like a broken record) let me know what you think! By the way if you ever have questions or whatever I do have a tumblr: cohenatwood.tumblr.com

Clarke kisses Lia's head as she lays her down on the couch, propping her bottle up using a blanket. She had been growing fussy and tired and Clarke figured she could use a nap. The minute the baby's head hits the pillow, her eyes are fluttering shut as she sucks on the bottle. Clarke can't help but smile at her and her cuteness. She definitely looks like Lexa now, just with dark blonde hair and Clarke's beauty mark and long eyelashes. She hears a sigh from the baby and she feels her smile about to split her face. It's amazing how different she feels towards her now. She can't imagine never not wanting to be around her. She knows she was sick, still is in some regards, but she can't help but feel guilt sometimes with how she treated Lia before. But she knows all she can do at this moment is just love her with her whole heart.

Aden is back in school and Clarke has already arranged for him to see a child psychologist, not wanting things to escalate with him. He has gone to a few sessions and they seem to be helping him. His last session worried Clarke a little, as he had come out crying. After having a chat with the doctor, she had explained the topic of discussion had been on Lexa's death and how he felt about it, the reason for the tears. Later that night they laid in Clarke's bed with Lia and ate ice cream and watched movies. It felt like a big step for all of them to just lay together and be. 

Clarke goes into the kitchen to make herself something to eat. The house is quiet. Her father has been spending more time with her mother but has yet to announce he's moving out. Once she gets to the fridge and starts rummaging through, there's a knock on the door. Clarke sighs, thinking it's probably the mailman asking her to sign something. She shuts the fridge and moves out of the kitchen down the entry way hall. She opens the door and it's...definitely not the mailman. Octavia. Octavia looking very sheepish. Clarke frowns and just waits for Octavia to speak. She knows if she starts, she'll end up yelling and right now she has a baby sleeping in the next room.

Octavia clears her throat, "Uh, I know you definitely don't want to see me right now...or possibly ever. I just-" Octavia pauses and swallows, "I'm a bitch. A jerk. The things I said to you...they were inexcusable and I just wanted you to know that that isn't how I see you. I did some, thinking, if you will. I put myself in your shoes for a minute after everything and I realized, you've really been doing the impossible. If Lincoln were to ever get drafted and I was pregnant, I think I would freak out. Let alone if I lost him. So i'm here to say I am so sorry for hurting you when you were already down. For hurting you at all. It's okay if you don't forgive me. I just wanted you to know that I will always love you and be here for you, no matter what." Octavia wipes a couple tears away and sniffs. Clarke takes a deep shaky breath.

"It did hurt, a lot. Knowing you felt that way at the time, it broke my heart. So, I just need you to give me time and space, O. I don't know how long, but I just need you to give that to me, okay?" Clarke tells her genuinely. Octavia gives her a sad smile and nods. 

"I can do that." Octavia says. Clarke nods and an awkward silence falls over them. Both just looking around at the ground and other houses.

"Thank you for stopping by. For the words you had to say." Clarke says to her after a minute. She nods and gives Clarke a smile before departing to her car. Clarke watches Octavia drive away before she shuts the door. She leans her back on the door and closes her eyes. She does love Octavia. Next to Lexa, she's the longest friend she's ever had. It really did break her heart to hear those things come from Octavia. Their relationship will probably forever have a stain on it. But she does know it can be fixed, only with time and patience though. Things will most likely never go back to the way they were, but it could improve from where they are now. She just needs time and she's happy that Octavia is letting her take it.

She hears fussing coming from the living room and pushes herself off the door. Lia has thrown the empty bottle on the floor and has her face scrunched like she's ready to burst into tears in any moment. Clarke picks up the bottle and rests it on the coffee table before moving towards the baby. Clarke scoops her up and holds her to her chest as she lets out a whimper and cry. Clarke rubs her back and continuously kisses her head and coos at her until she's calm and asleep on her. 

So much for that snack.

//

It has been about a month and a half since she last spoke to Major General Marcus Kane. So when her phone rings with the unknown number from D.C. she has to stop and mentally prepare herself. She has no idea what he could be calling her about. Everything seemed pretty final after they last spoke. Clarke takes a deep breath and answers.

"Clarke Griffin-Woods speaking." Clarke says. She hears some shuffling on the other line then the same voice that gave her confirmation on Lexa's death comes through.

"Hi Mrs. Griffin-Woods, this is Major General Marcus Kane." He says, Clarke can hear the smiling in his voice. 

"Hi, yes. Nice to hear from you again." Clarke tells him, she slightly cringes because it isn't totally 'nice'. 

"Yes. I'm actually calling you because i've just seen that someone from your late wife's unit has come home. Actually has been home for a couple months, the system must have just updated." He replies. Clarke's heart starts beating fast. She could get so many answers from someone who had been there with her. Maybe they have some of her things that she can get back. "I was wondering if you were still interested in contacting them?" Marcus breaks through her racing thoughts with the question. 

"Yes, absolutely i'm still interested." Clarke says quickly. She hears some more shuffling, it sounds like papers and then he speaks once more.

"Is it alright if I take your email address down? I'll send the information to you that way." 

"Yeah it's RNClarkeGriffin-Woods@Polismemorial.com." She replies. She hears a hum and typing on the other end. 

"Alright, I just sent it in an email. The email address should have a .gov at the end. I hope you find what you're looking for." He says genuinely. Clarke smiles.

"Thank you so much for all your help, truly." Clarke says. 

"You're welcome. Take care." He then ends the call. Clarke takes a deep breath and finally turns around to find her father looking at her quizzically. Clarke walks further into the office where he's perched reading a book. She sits on the piano bench and hits a couple keys before setting her hands into her lap. She looks back up at her father who is studying her, clearly waiting for an answer. She hopes he doesn't think it's a bad idea. 

"That was the Major General I contacted a bit ago. Someone from Lexa's unit is home." Clarke tells him. Jake stares for a moment, studying Clarke's face and then sets his book down on the desk and leans forward. 

"And? Did he tell you who and where they are?" Jake questions gently. Clarke nods.

"He sent it to my work email. If it's close by, i'm going to try and go as soon as possible." Clarke tells him confidently. Jake softens and nods. 

"I figured you would want to do something like that. Mom and I can watch the kids while you do. I suggest you don't go alone though, you don't know how this could affect you and I don't like you being alone." Jake says pointedly. Clarke nods and brings out her phone to go into her email. It's a moot point if the person lives across the country, but if they are close she will make someone else come with her. Probably Raven. She opens up the mail app and scrolls down to find the email sent to her from Marcus. She clicks it and looks at the name and his rank. She then scrolls a little and sees his address. Pennsylvania. A day's drive. She looks back up at her father with a grin and he grins back.

//

Clarke, Raven, and Anya load up the SUV. They plan to get there, stay the night, next day go and see the man from Lexa's unit, and then spend one more night. They have also put aside a possible extra day, depending on how it all goes and what Clarke's emotional state may be. It's early in the morning; wanting to beat traffic on the way past DC. Once their luggage is all packed up, Anya and Raven take their seats in the passenger sides as Clarke makes her way back into the house. Aden is still asleep and Lia is up sucking on a bottle. Abby is rocking Lia in the recliner as she feeds her. Clarke makes her way over to the baby and leans down to place a kiss on the baby's head. She brushes some of her hair away and whispers that she loves her before giving her mom a kiss on the cheek and promising to call when they arrive. She then goes upstairs to Aden's room. She quietly opens the door and makes her way over to the boy soundly sleeping in his bed. She moves his longish light brunette hair from his forehead and places a kiss, before moving the covers that had fallen down up his body once more. She exits the room and then gives her dad a warm hug before making her way back outside in the drivers seat. She takes a deep breath and starts backing down the driveway, ready for some questions she has to finally be answered.

The drive is mixed with a lot of bickering and a lot of laughing. She sometimes wonders how Raven and Anya are still together with how much they fight about the little things. Then she sees how they give each other sly looks and realizes they know how they work. Just like her and Lexa. They always just knew each other and how the other operates. She knows it's something she'll never find again in this lifetime. They switch off driving, have a couple of panic moments when the gas was low and no gas stations in sight, until finally they are entering the city of Lancaster. They find their hotel and it's already late afternoon. They check into the two adjoining rooms and decide to rest for a couple of hours before going out to dinner. Clarke lays on her hotel bed and stares at the ceiling. She hopes this person is willing to talk with her. For all she knows, they could be going through the same shit Bellamy is and shut the door in Clarke's face. They are military though, she hopes they have at least some common decency. 

After lounging around they get ready to go to dinner in a tiny restaurant. It's quaint and not crowded, enough for Raven to ask the questions she's been holding back. 

"What are you gonna do if he doesn't want to speak with you?" Raven questions as she takes a bite of bread. Clarke sighs and shrugs. 

"Camp out in front of his house? I don't know, honestly. I guess i'm just kind of taking a leap of faith here." Clarke tells her earnestly as she takes a sip of her iced tea. Raven nods and then Anya speaks. 

"I'm going to ask you a question, and I don't want you to get mad when I do okay?" Anya says. Raven turns to look at her wide eyed, looking slightly afraid of what Anya is going to ask. Clarke sets her drink down, clears her throat and nods. "You're not doing this because you still have doubts right? I mean, this is just about closure, right? Because I don't want you to be doing this because you still think she's out there just lost. I know for a fact it will destroy you a lot more if this person tells you everything and it's not what you want to hear. So please tell me it's about closure." Anya finishes. Clarke lays back in her seat and thinks about it. Okay, maybe still a tiny tiny part in her brain has some doubts, but she won't admit that to Anya or Raven. So she shakes her head.

"It's closure. Or the best I can get. I don't think i'll ever have complete closure, honestly." Clarke tells them both. Anya softens and nods as Raven looks down at her food. There's a silence that follows after that until the waiter comes by to refill their drinks. They eat and talk about other topics after. Anya pays the bill and soon it's quite late and they decide to call it a night. Before Clarke departs Raven grabs ahold of Clarke's arm.

"We have your back okay? Tomorrow, you have us to lean on. You're not alone." Raven tells her. Clarke smiles and nods. She then brings Raven into a hug and tells her goodnight. Clarke makes it into her room and does her nightly routine. She texts her parents and asks how Aden and Lia are. They tell her fine and that both were getting ready for bed at the moment. After calling them and saying goodnight to Aden and giving her mother instructions on how to deal with Lia at night these days, she hangs up. She watches some trashy reality tv show in bed, waiting for sleep to take her. She finally falls asleep at two.

She wakes fairly early and starts getting ready. She feels nervous and when they go down to eat breakfast, Clarke can only stomach a banana and some coffee. Anya and Raven attempt to calm her nerves with jokes and snide remarks to one another but it's definitely not enough distraction. Soon it's time to head to the fellow soldier's home. Clarke makes Anya drive as she inputs the address into the GPS. They drive around the city until they get to a nice quaint neighborhood. The houses are small but well kept. They are soon stopped in front of a tiny white home with a red door. A service flag is in the front window. Clarke stares and takes a deep breath. Anya shuts off the car and they all exit. Clarke stops at the beginning of the walkway. She's not sure what she's suppose to say. What if they do shut the door in her face? All her doubts begin racing through her brain until she feel two hands grasp one of her's. Both Anya and Raven are holding her hands and squeezing. Clarke remembers Raven's words from the night before and nods.

They walk up the small flight of steps to the small porch. Clarke drops Anya and Raven's hands and takes a long deep breath before knocking. It's a few seconds until the door swings open. A young man, a very young man smiles at them and also kind of looks confused.

"Can I help you ma'm?" He asks. Clarke wasn't expecting the soldier to be so young. She nods.

"I'm sorry to just show up here but uh- my name is Clarke Griffin-Woods, my wife Lexa was with you overseas I believe? You're Rehmy Artigas right?" Clarke questions. His smile drops a little and his face visibly pales but he nods. Clarke swallows, "I was just wondering if I could talk with you for a few minutes or so?" 

Rhemy bites his lip and looks behind Clarke at Raven and Anya, then back to Clarke and nods. He holds the door open and moves to the side for Clarke, Anya, and Raven to enter. Clarke smiles at him and enters the home with the other two not far behind her. It's a tiny house, but homey. There's pictures everywhere of a younger Rehmy and relatives it looks like. He shuts the door and gestures for them to go into the living room. Clarke sits on the red couch with Raven and Anya sitting there as well. 

"Do you want some tea or water? I also have some lemonade I think." Rhemy asks. Clarke shakes her head as Anya and Raven both reply that they'd take some lemonade. Clarke sends them both a look and they roll their eyes simultaneously. Soon he returns and hands the girls their drinks and then takes a seat in a chair across from Clarke. Clarke looks around the house, not even really knowing where to start this conversation.

"Your house is lovely." Clarke comments. He smiles at her and nods.

"I live here with my mom, grew up in this house actually." He tells her. Clarke nods and an awkward silence falls over them as Raven and Anya sip their lemonades looking between both Clarke and Rehmy. "So...you are Lexa's wife?" Rhemy breaks through the silence, getting to the subject at hand. Clarke nods.

"Yeah I am. She talk about me at all?" Clarke finds herself asking with a smirk. He smiles gently back at her and nods. 

"Sometimes. She wasn't too much of a talker. Only when it counted." Rhemy tells her. Anya snorts.

"Got that right." Raven mutters. Clarke elbows her and she yelps quietly. 

"I guess i'm going to cut to the chase here. I never really received much information on what happened out there when-uh-when she passed. I was hoping if it wasn't too much trouble if you could explain to me what had happened to her. I'd be really appreciative of it." Clarke tries a smile, hoping it'd charm the boy enough to relent. She had noticed him stiffen at her question and she really hopes he doesn't turn her down. He looks out the window for a few moments and then sighs. He nods his head and turns back to look at Clarke, and Clarke can tell in his eyes that he's about to tell her everything that she's been wanting to know since she had received that letter all those months ago. 

"First off, I would just like to say how sorry I am that you lost her. I know she had kids so i'm sure that hasn't been easy on you." He pauses. Clarke nods and mutters a quiet thank you and he continues." I really admired her you know? She was kind of fearless out there. She always had my back and everyone else's when we needed it. Anyways, we got a mission. It wasn't a battle or anything like that. They wanted us to scope out this area deep in enemy territory. There would be no back up or anything like that. The catch was that we had two days to scope out the area and gather intel and then seven days to get to a certain ridge to get us out of there." He clears his throat and Clarke leans her elbows onto her thighs, setting her chin on her hands.

"We parachuted in and everything was hunky dory. Lexa was super good at maps and all that so she was our guide. She guided us to this river bank where we needed to cross over to get to the point that we needed to scope. While there we all kind of spread out and next thing you know, Reapers are shooting at us. Our Commanding Officer named Sheffield then called for us to retreat down the shore of the river. So we all sprint for a long while until we can no longer hear gunshots and we stop. Sheffield asks Lexa how far off course we went and she tells him that we went like forty miles off. That means we'd probably never make it to the ridge to go back if we continue with the objective of the mission. We couldn't call anyone at home base cause our call box was just riddled with bullets so we were basically screwed." Clarke nods along. Both Anya and Raven long forgotten their drinks in front of them.

"So Sheffield decides that we're not doing the mission and just going straight to the ridge. By that point it was already starting to get dark so he set up a rotation to keep watch in pairs and we planned on making the trek back up the river to get to the ridge. So at about midnight was the end of my watch so i'm not sure what happened between there. All I know is Roberts and Lexa were the last ones on rotation. We were all awoken close to dawn from hearing like three gunshots just ringing out into the forest. Roberts comes running back into camp all panicked, saying he had no idea where it came from. We then started calling out to her but she wasn't answering so everyone got up and started searching around the area for her. Soon Roberts is screaming at us to get over to where he is. We get there and...it was just-a mess." He swallows. Clarke bites her lip, knowing this is probably the attack that Marcus had mentioned. 

"This huge Reaper soldier was laying on top of her dead. She shot him in the gut. But she was all tore apart. He did a complete number on her before she killed him. Her windpipe was severed and just bleeding all over the place. She had so many stab wounds. It was a miracle she was still alert and awake with the amount of blood she was losing." Clarke clenches her jaw, trying to keep the images that were conjuring up in her brain at bay. She nods, giving him consent to continue. "So we started trying to fix her up. We got most of her stab wounds sewed but then we had to set her ankle. It was completely useless, her ankle I mean. Once we done that, she finally passed out and we were able to sew her windpipe up. We then got the stretcher and placed her on it. Sheffield decided we needed to leave right then and there so we could get back to the ridge so she could get medical attention. We took turns carrying her in twos but, with her limp weight plus all our gear, we'd tire out really fast. We had to stop a lot for breaks." Clarke leans back into the couch, not liking the sound of how this was going. 

"She was still alive though then?" Clarke asks. He nods. 

"Yeah she was just passed out from all the blood loss and the setting of her ankle. She did wake up though and we continued to walk with her. We weren't gaining any ground and Sheffield knew if we kept going at the rate that we were, we'd never make it to the ridge and we'd die in enemy territory. The next day we had this huge mountain we needed to go up. The way around it would take an extra day and we couldn't afford that so we had to go around it. We tried so many different ways to get Lexa up that mountain but it just wasn't working." He stops for a moment, and bites his lip. "Sheffield suggested that two people stay with Lexa and go around it and that when he got back to home base, he'd make sure a new plane would be at the ridge to pick us up, adding two extra days onto the now 7 that we had. I volunteered and so did another guy Quint." Clarke frowns, she didn't know that's what Marcus had meant when he said they were pressed on time. 

"Was she already dying? Like, it would have only been a matter of time?" Clarke asks in a shaky voice. He hesitates visibly but then nods.

"She had already had an infection set in. Plus with the blood loss and probably some internal injuries that we didn't know about. So we started going around the mountain and stopped after a certain point. Lexa was just going in and out of consciousness and uh-uh-she-sh-she passed out after a certain point. Um, then uh-we kept watch and all that. Then when we woke up at dawn, went to check on her and she-uh she was gone. We bu-buried her and marked her grave and all that. And then had to leave quickly." He finishes. Clarke furrows her brow, something not adding up to her. He had been telling the story flawlessly until this point. Now he's become a stammering stuttering mess.

"Why didn't you grab her pack or things? I mean, that surely had extra supplies you could have used on the trek back." Clarke asks him. He swallows and nods.

"Well, we didn't have time to grab everything. Quint, he saw like 20 Reaper soldiers by the river bank only a couple miles away from us at dawn so we didn't have time." He answers. Now Clarke is really confused.

"If he saw the soldiers at dawn and that's when you discovered she had passed-wouldn't you not have enough time to give her a burial?" Clarke questions. Raven turns to look at Clarke wide eyed, clearly also seeing the flaw in Rhemy's story. She turns to study Rhemy who beings fidgeting with his hands and swallowing. 

"Well-uh-well. I don't, well. Le-Lexa's death was really hard on me. I-I-I wasn't just saying things when I said I admired her. I-I-I think I was remembering it wrong. I've-well-i've tried blocking it out. Quint ha-had seen them after we buried her. I'm sure of it now." He says not too confidently. Clarke studies him and feels her gut clench. This just doesn't add up. A silence falls over them and Clarke thinks of just asking if he's lying directly. She opens her mouth to speak but he cuts her off.

"I'm really sorry about Lexa, but I-I-I'm gonna have to ask you guys to leave. Look I came home early due to extreme stress and bringing this back up, it's-it's not helping my recovery process. I apologize." He stands from his chair. Clarke swallows, feeling guilty at having possibly hurt someone's recovery. Raven and Anya begin standing and Clarke can't help but linger a little, something still just not sitting right with her. She reluctantly stands and gives him a small smile.

"I'm sorry for bringing this up for you. Thank you for telling me what happened. I appreciate it." Clarke tells him as they walk towards the front door. He just nods and open up the door. They all exit and he tells Clarke to take care and then shuts the door. Clarke shares a look with Raven as they walk back to the car and get in.

The car ride back to the hotel is silent. Clarke going through every detail he provided. She had been hurt badly, but she had still been alive when the rest of her unit left them. Why did Sheffield think if they made it back to that ridge she'd receive medical attention and be alright? That seemed to be the Officer's thinking when they took off right away after the attack. Why was Rehmy reduced to such a stammering mess when it came to when himself and the other soldier were left alone with her? So many things are just not adding up to her. She thought she'd get more answers. Instead she's having more questions than anything. They make it back to the hotel and silently agree to all convene in Clarke's hotel room. They plop down on the huge bed and just stare at different points in the room.

"Please tell me i'm not the only one who saw all the flaws in that story?" Clarke decides to speak first. Anya nods silently and Raven speaks.

"It was weird. Really weird. I mean most of it seemed true until he got to when they found her dead. But I don't know, Clarke." Raven trails off. Clarke waits for her to continue her thought. She doesn't, seemingly lost in her own.

"Honestly, yeah there was a flaw in there but I don't think he was being untruthful. Listen, we could spin conspiracy theories all we want but, he was truthful. We heard him, he's suffering from some mental health issues due to the war. Bellamy is proof that shit can change you into a completely different person. Memory loss and all that is also apart of it. That mix up at dawn was really the only thing that gave me pause and he had an explanation for that." Anya tells the girls. Clarke sets her jaw and looks at Raven who begins nodding.

"Yeah, actually you're right. He seemed to really like Lexa so i'm sure having to witness her passing, it was hard on him. The poor guy hasn't even been home all that long either and we just show up unannounced on his doorstep, drudging up something that was clearly scarring for him. I think we should probably give him the benefit of the doubt here." Raven turns to look at Clarke. Clarke casts her eyes down and thinks. They make a good point. Everything else seemed pretty normal up until the morning Lexa had passed. He seemed to have genuine respect for her and Clarke is no stranger to the grief that is Lexa's death. He had actually witnessed it and blocked it out, Clarke can't say she wouldn't do the same if she were in his position. Clarke sighs loudly and nods. Clarke feels like she maybe gave herself another sliver of hope that she wasn't suppose to and it got crushed once more. She closes her eyes and then lays her head on Raven's lap. Raven begins stroking her hair as Anya grabs ahold of Clarke's calf comfortingly. She lets tears silently roll down her cheeks as she thinks about everything. The attack Lexa had been through. Her passing in her sleep. That's all she could have hoped for in that type of situation. She didn't want her to be in pain or bleeding out. She just wanted peace for her.

 


	15. As I Lay Dying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A graphic scene of waterboarding and then a couple of beatings happens at the end of this chapter. Stop at this line "The other guard then drapes a rag over her face." and can continue at this one "It stops once more and this time they uncover the rag from her eyes and face."
> 
> Might also want to stop here "She watches the thing in his eye snap." and pick up again here "Lexa struggles to breathe as she processes the beatings."
> 
> Next chapter will be up later and it will be a time jump, we are getting so close folks so bare with me! Thank you so much for the feedback and support, honestly it makes getting these chapters out so much easier! Love you guys :)

Lexa stands in a wooden cell. It's about the length of an average man and about seven feet in height. The only light source coming from a tiny window carved out in the locked door. A hole in the floor where a waste bucket sits. The sweltering summer heat making her sweat in the tiny box like cell. The stench of human waste and something dead sits permeating through the air. Maggots crawling around under her feet in the dirt. She can't sit or lay down, so she's left standing. He legs are burning, having not had to stand in one place for a long period of time. She was marched straight into the cell and locked in the minute the Jeep drove through the gates. She's watched the night come and go twice. They haven't fed her or given her water in that period of time. Her lips are cracked and bleeding. She feels like her stomach is eating itself from the inside. Lexa looks around, trying to find any loose board so she can get out of there, the heat and stench making her stir crazy, plus the dehydration. She then notices something in the light. Names. Lots of names, carved into the wooden panels. Private First Class Hank Johnson, June 2025. Sargent William Boyd, August 2025. Private Jessica Linden, December 2025. Name after name and the date they were also in this box. Lexa decides she might as well keep the tradition alive. She finds an empty spot and uses her fingernails to carve; Private Alexandria Griffin-Woods, June 2026. Her fingers are bleeding by the time she's done. She wonders if the people who have carved their names are still alive. The rumors circulating through the ranks about this POW camp have been nothing but fearsome. They kill if someone sits down for a second. They kill if someone looks at them in the wrong way. They kill if they think you breathed too hard. They kill and kill. Treating humans like expired food. Tossing them away when they've outlived their usefulness. 

Soon, a Reaper guard appears in front of the window. Lexa looks at him wide eyed and wild. He gives her a maniacal grin and holds up what looks like a tiny rice ball and a tiny dixie cup. Lexa feels her mouth salivating. He sets both on the ledge outside the window and walks away. Lexa shuffles to move her hand through the tiny carved window. She feels a splinter enter her arm as it drags across the lip. She grabs the water first and brings it back in. She tips it back like a shot and feels her thirst be quenched for maybe a few seconds. She then carefully moves her arm back out to grab the rice ball. The first thing she notices is there are live maggots crawling around on it. She's so hungry though that she can't seem to care and just eats it. Tasting the goo of the maggots with the rice. Once she's finished with that, she's not even close to satisfied. She lays her head on the wooden door, trying to get away from the waste bucket. It's not long after that that the door swings open and she startles. A large burly Reaper grabs her by the collar and drags her out of the cell. The sunlight is blinding as she's being dragged all around the camp. She doesn't see any other American soldiers yet. She's taken into a wooden shack that has a strong scent of disinfectant. She's then asked to strip in front of the guard and get into the tub, possibly filled with straight up bleach. Lexa does as told and really scrubs herself clean for the first time in months. Once she's finished, she's asked to redress. She is then guided back outside to the sun setting and for the first time able to get a true glimpse of the POW camp.

It's surrounded by barbed wire fences. Many wooden like shacks have been built on the dirty soil. In the distance she can see a large mountain where a mine shaft sits, a worn trail leads all the way down to the rocky beach where boats sit. Lexa can guess that's what they have the prisoners do. Haul coal up and down the mountain to the beach. They walk around the camp until they are in what looks like the main square. American soldiers are all lined up and scarily silent. Everyone looks dirty and ghostly. Nothing but skin hanging off some of the soldier's bones. They are all looking at the ground in submission. A guard is yelling at them, knife raised crazily as he starts his tirade. It's a mixture of Trigdesleng and English. Lexa can't tell what is the subject of his anger, as it just seems more psychotic than anything. Random sentences being shouted. Lexa guesses that he doesn't really have a reason to yell, he just feels like it. She then watches as he at random punches one of the soldiers in the face, sending him to the ground. He then repeatedly kicks the man's stomach until the soldier is limp. He then yells in Trigdesleng for the man to get up, but he doesn't stir. Lexa can tell the man is still breathing, still conscious, but he doesn't move. In one swift motion, she watches the guard draw out his hand gun and shoot the man in the head. Brain matter flying in all sorts of directions. Lexa clenches her jaw. It's then the guard notices they have a new soldier joining the POW camp. From anger to smiling in a split second. He gives Lexa the biggest grin and she feels her stomach churn. He then greets her happily and escorts her towards the other lines of soldiers. Some glance very briefly while other's keep their heads down. He then explains his name is Mengenala, and that he is the head guard of this camp. He must be obeyed at all times. His voice is cheery as he explains if she doesn't work, he'll shoot her in the head. She has a feeling he takes great pleasure in killing people. Soon they are dismissed and Mengenala asks another soldier to take Lexa with him to the empty cell next to him. He nods in submission and gently escorts Lexa to where they will be sleeping. He quietly whispers to Lexa that his name is Private First Class Airman James Cooper, but call to him Cooper. He's a handsome man, light brown hair and light eyes. He almost looks like what Aden will look like when he grows older. He then asks Lexa if she knows Morse Code in a murmur as a guard walks past them. Lexa knew a little bit, having dabbled into it in college for a couple months. She nods and he silently gestures with his hands and Lexa catches on. A closed fist is a dot, an open hand is a dash. Lexa watches his hand at his side as he tells her to listen to her wall. If she hears tapping, that's a dot, and when she hears the dragging, that's a dash. Lexa nods and soon they are at the tiny wooden shack. A few guards are outside the shack and glare. Cooper enters with his head down and Lexa follows after him. The guards are not far behind them. Cooper enters his cell, it looking much like the little shack she had just been in. Lexa then guesses the cell next to his is her's and enters. It's exactly the length of the shack, but there's no waste bucket and just a wool blanket is on the wooden floor. The rest of the room bare. Lexa enters and the wooden door locks. Once again only a small window is carved out in the door, but a metal slate covers it this time. There is more light though, high up a tiny glass window is letting in the light of the evening sky.

Lexa lays for the first time in two days and feels the dehydration and exhaustion kick in. Soon, on the adjoining wall to Cooper's cell, she hears the tapping.

".-- .... . .-. . / .- .-. . / -.-- --- ..- / ..-. .-. --- -- (Where are you from?)" Lexa tries to remember the teachings she had learned in college. She lifts up her shaky hand and taps and drags.

".-.. .- / -.-. .-. .. --- ..- -..- / .-. .. -.. --. . --..-- / -.-- --- ..- ..--.. (La Crioux Ridge, you?)" Lexa listens out for more of the tapping. She then hears it.

"-.-. .-. .- ... .... . -.. / .. -. / .- - .-.. .- -. - .. -.-. --..-- / -.-. .- .--. - ..- .-. . -.. / - .... . .-. . .-.-.- (Crashed in Atlantic, captured there.)" He replies. Lexa nods. He then begins to explain what will happen tomorrow. They will be awoken at dawn by the slate opening. They only get one rice ball and dixie cup of water each day. Don't try and horde the rice balls, they will find it and kill you for it. They will then be sent to climb the mountain to the mine shaft. They will ask them to gather coal in a bag and it must weigh at least the weight of an adult. They will then have to haul it down the mountain on their back and empty it in the boats. Then make their way back to the mountain and repeat until they call it quits and make them come back. His number one advice is to not show weakness in front of them. They will feed off of it and kill you if they spot it. Fight through the pain. Mengenala is sadistic and cruel. He enjoys killing and pain. She is not to be surprised if she hears him yelling crazily in the night. He sometimes likes to come into the cells and beat random people for no reason. He's psychotic and power hungry. He tells her to just keep her head down and use the methods of communications like he's showed her. Don't ever speak in front of the guards unless asked to. Lexa takes in all the information and soon they bid each other goodnight. Lexa doesn't sleep at all, just lays on the wooden floor, absentmindedly picking at the sliver in her arm, thinking about whether the wilderness was a nightmare or if this was a worst nightmare.

//

Her slate opens at dawn, just like Cooper had said. She can hear the other prisoners shuffling to their doors and getting the maggot filled rice ball and dixie cup. She decides to sip the water this time while eating the gooey rice ball. Within only a few minutes she's finished and she waits for the guards to unlock the cell. It's not long after the guards open the door and yell in Trigdesleng for them to get to work. She sees Cooper and follows his lead. They are lead out by multiple guards, their guns placed firmly in their hands. She doesn't spot Mengenala and sighs in relief. She has a feeling she's always going to feel relief when he isn't around. They are led up the steep mountain and Lexa wonders if she even has it in her to be able to haul coal on her back. Her ankle didn't heal right. Her back is riddled with tender scars. Months of non-consistent nutrition has left her once strong body, weak and fragile. She hopes she has it in her, cause she refuses to die in this place. 

She's able to grit her teeth and do it. It's probably a lot harder than any of her boot camp training combined. She also has to take into the account that her body isn't even close to what it had been. Riddled with injuries and malnutrition already, she knows it's only going to get worse. As she approaches the boat, the soft ocean breeze giving her a reprieve from the hot summer sun, she hears a gunshot from the mountain. Some people turn to look and you can see the tiny bodies in the distance. One is laying completely limp on the ground while the other is standing above it. Lexa doesn't have to guess what has just occurred. She's starting to realize the rumors of what went on in this camp are absolutely true. All of them.

She works for about a week. The little muscle she has is sore and her body is losing more and more weight. She's losing weight faster here than when she was in the wilderness alone. One afternoon, two guards approach her and ask her to come with them. Lexa complies and they head down the mountain back to the main barracks. She is then taken into the same shack she had bathed in, but escorted into a different room. There in the room is a table and two chairs sitting on either side. Mengenala is sitting at one of the chairs and looks up when Lexa enters. He smiles brightly at her and gestures for her to take a seat across from him. Two guards are flanked by the door as the door shuts. Lexa sits in the wooden chair, keeping her head down like Cooper told her to. She can see Mengenala happily studying her. He then speaks in a thick heavy accent.

"Are you enjoying your stay with us?" He asks, genuinely. Lexa shivers and just nods slowly. "You may look at me and answer my question." He tells her sternly. Lexa moves her head up and looks at him. He's still grinning but Lexa can see all it will take is something small to set him off. There's like a crazy look in his eye that is just begging to be released. 

"Yes, I am." Lexa replies evenly. He chuckles and nods. 

"I make a great camp, very discipline. Orderly. You follow orders correct?" Mengenala asks her. Lexa swallows and nods. He quirks his eyebrow, smile falling a little at Lexa not verbally replying. Lexa clenches her jaw and nods once more.

"Yes. I do." Lexa grits out. He leans back in his chair and looks her up and down. Lexa feels like shrinking underneath his gaze. 

"Then you won't mind answering my questions for you. Will you." He states it instead of asks.

"No. I won't mind" Lexa's voice cracks. He smiles brightly once more and claps his hands together, startling Lexa slightly. He stands and moves over to Lexa's side of the table. He sits right next to her on the table and looks down on her. Lexa stares at the chair in front of her instead. 

"Why were you found in Fredricks?" He questions. Lexa clenches her jaw. He's going to try and get why Lexa was in enemy territory out of her. She knows that's information she can't give up. She can't tell him that they were getting intel and she got left behind. She can't tell him it was for future invasion purposes. She's been trained to not give up that kind of information. Lexa knows as well though that her having this information gives her an advantage. If she tells him anything, he'll keep her for work but will have no problem discarding her if she happens to make a misstep. If she doesn't tell him anything, he'll be stuck with killing her and never knowing what the American's are planning. He may be psychotic, but she can also see he's a strategist and power hungry. Getting this kind of information out of Lexa eventually would make him a hero to his country. Lexa decides to take the risk and not tell him anything. She keeps silent.

"You may answer my question." He states as if Lexa was waiting for his permission. Lexa clenches her jaw and continues to stare at the empty chair. She knows she's going to pay for this valiantly, but she knows this is also the only way for her to truly survive this camp until the war is over. She hears him sigh. "I thought you were disciplined. But I see I was wrong to think that. Therefore, I must make you disciplined." He tells her in a cold tone. Lexa knows his stupid grin has been wiped from his face. She hears him whistle out to a guard and soon Lexa's shoulders are being gripped around and her chair is being tipped back. The other guard then drapes a rag over her face. "I will give you one more time to answer, and we can forget this happened. Why were you in Fredricks?" He asks more sternly this time. Lexa decides to give her answer to him by squaring her shoulders, waiting for him to enact the torture method. "Very well then. I'm actually quite happy you have decided to not provide me with information. I love watching you yankees struggle to breathe." He tells her menacingly. Lexa can guess that maniacal grin is back on his face. 

She hears some shuffling and then feels the guards hands keeping the rag in place on her face. Soon she feels the sensation of water being poured over it. She tries to not breathe at first, but it over powers her and she begins getting the water into her lungs and she feels the suffocation taking its hold. She starts sputtering and coughing. She doesn't know how long the water continues to pour, she can't get a breath in as more water just fills her airways. Soon she hears a faint 'hod op' and they stop. Lexa chokes and spits up water as they keep herself and the chair tipped. She hears Mengenala chuckle loudly.

"Are we disciplined yet, my friend?" He asks her. Lexa coughs up more water and doesn't reply. She hears snapping of fingers and sound more water is being poured and she sputters and feels the water enter her airways once more. She struggles to breathe, wheezing and coughing. Her eyes are surely watering as more and more water fills her lungs. She keeps trying to breathe, her body's instincts can't help but kick in, but because of this she's sucking more water into her lungs. It burns like fire and closes around her lungs like a tight fist. It stops once more and this time they uncover the rag from her eyes and face. They tip her chair back forward as she coughs up water and blood all over the floor, even throwing up a little all over. She looks back up at him and he's smiling brightly at her. She's not going to give him the satisfaction of watching her struggle. He thrives on breaking the soldiers. She refuses to break. She's gotten this far. She basically died and was reborn once more. She will not give in. 

So she narrows her eyes at him, and spits in his face. A mixture of saliva, water, bile, and blood sprays onto his face. His smile is wiped away as he wipes his face with his hand. She watches the thing in his eye snap. 

Before she even knows how to react, his hand flies to her face and he backhands her. It's so hard she falls off the chair. She feels the stinging and her eye already starting to swell. He then proceeds to yell at the top of his lungs in a mixture of English and Trigdesleng as he grabs her by the collar of her shirt to bring her body back up. He punches her in the face repeatedly, never stopping his screaming. She feels her eye socket crack and her lips bust open. He repeatedly continues his punches before they slow. She feels herself blacking out and the blood pouring from all different parts of her face. He then simply drops his hand from her shirt, making her head hit the floor. He then proceeds to kick her repeatedly in the ribs and gut. Her former injuries screaming at the hard pressure of each blow. She can feel her past broken ribs crack once more along with more cracking of other ribs. She's flowing in and out of consciousness as he continues to beat her. Finally it winds down, he's panting but Lexa can't see him. Her eyes are nearly swollen shut. She hears him order the guards to lift her. She feels arms lifting her up and he gives her one last hard punch in the throat. Then the guards are literally dragging her by her arms away. She feels her feet dragging on the dirt and she is then thrown into a hard wooden wall. Her broken nose and smell the stench of the waste and she knows she's back in the cell she had first been in. 

Her body is screaming and she doesn't even care that maggots are crawling into her hair and all over her skin. She can't comprehend the disgusting smell of the hot box. She starts to lose consciousness as the door slams shut and locks. She groans out in pain and it soon, the day fades away.

She comes to when she feels a breeze. She opens the tiny slits of her eyes and can tell by the tiny window it's dark once more. She can't move at all. Her body feels paralyzed with pain. She then hears the distance yelling of someone. It's angry and crazy and it's getting closer to where she's laying once more. Soon the door flies open again and Mengenala once more is standing above her. He doesn't have a smile on his face but nothing but rage in his eyes. He proceeds to take off his belt and wrap some of it around his hand. He steps into the tiny cell and starts using the metal clasp of the belt to beat Lexa repeatedly. She feels the sting as he hits her over and over again. He moves to her head and she feels the gashes oozing with every hit. She feels the cuts and bruising of her back as he continues to yell and beat her. Lexa once more starts to feel herself losing consciousness and he tapers off. He then spits on Lexa's body before shutting the wooden door once more and locking it. 

Lexa struggles to breathe as she processes the beatings. She must be a complete bloodied mess. She now knows for certain that being alone and left for dead in the woods was a walk in the park compared to this. That was not a nightmare. That was a dream compared to this. This is her nightmare. A psychotic guard who she's valiantly pissed off and a terrifying labor camp that his intentionally starving them. She remembers telling Aden that she'd go to hell and back for him and Clarke. She's realized now she's found it. She's in hell.

 


	16. The Sun Also Rises

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our timelines are finally matched with this time jump. This chapter helps establish what has been going on the past few years.
> 
> We're getting so close to the reunion now, i'm excited! 
> 
> As always, comment and let me know your thoughts! Thanks for reading.

**Five Years Later...**

Clarke is exhausted. Being named official head nurse, was something she thought would be a breeze. More of a figurehead position than anything. But she's finding quickly that is not the case. She's glad for Lia being in kindergarten already for the day, knowing with this position she can't play 'bring your daughter to work day' anymore. Nurses keep flanking her and when one of them makes a mistake, she's getting yelled at by the chief. After a nurse had accidentally given the wrong dosage to a patient who ended up seizing, Clarke is leaving the chiefs office after getting a serious chewing out. She wonders why the hell the nurse didn't get a chewing out and realized it's Clarke's duty now to go yell at him. She sighs and runs her fingers through her hair. She decides to hit up the cafeteria for some coffee first before she yells at the young man. 

She enters the cafeteria and it's mostly quiet. She then sees her best friend slumped in the corner, reading over a file. Clarke grabs a shitty coffee and makes her way over to him. 

"You look concentrated." Clarke states to Wells as she takes a seat across from him. He looks up and smiles and nods. Wells had moved back to Polis two years before. When him and his wife had been trying to have kids, it wasn't working naturally. They went to a specialist and it turns out his wife had advanced stage ovarian cancer. She passed away only months later. Wells stayed in California for the next year then made his way up to Washington State to stay with his father. Two years ago he was then strolling into Polis Memorial as the new cardio surgeon. The two bonded over the loss of their spouses. Clarke was happy to have someone who understood where she was at and having her childhood friend back. She hasn't really had someone who knows that feeling of losing the love of their life. Gustus is pretty much the only one, but having someone her age know the feeling, felt good. 

"Yeah, this case is going to be a hard one. Trying to study it as much as possible." Wells tells her as his eyes return back to the file. Clarke hums and sips the terrible caffeine liquid. He then lifts his eyes up and gives her a smirk. "I heard you got your ass chewed out by the chief. C'mon Griff, you've been head nurse for two weeks and you're already getting shit?" Clarke rolls her eyes. 

"Not my fault they hired a shit staff that I now have to reprimand. Speaking of which, I probably need to down this coffee and go Rambo on the kids ass." Clarke tells him with a wink. He laughs heartily and nods.

"If you get him in the heart, send him my way." Wells tells her. Clarke nods and starts downing her coffee. Then Wells studies her and begins to look at her nervously. Clarke quirks her eyebrow at him and swallows down the coffee.

"What?" Clarke asks him. He clears his throat and sits up straight in his chair.

"You want to go to dinner at some point in the next two weeks?" He asks her. Clarke shrugs.

"Sure why not?" Clarke says. He looks at her surprised and then smiles. 

"Okay great. How about the new restaurant downtown, say two weeks from today?" Wells asks, hopefully. Clarke looks through her phone to make sure Aden doesn't have football or Lia doesn't have something. There's nothing there and she nods. 

"Works for me." She tells him. He beams and gathers his files up and stands. 

"Great! It's a date." He then departs as Clarke begins frowning. Wait what? Did he just ask her out on a date? Clarke turns around to see if he's still in the cafeteria but he's gone. Clarke frowns even more. They've gone out together plenty of times, granted it was always lunch, but why would he ask her out? She's made it pretty clear she's not interested in dating anyone. After going out with Raven and Anya to celebrate their homecoming from their honeymoon two years ago, she drunkenly kissed their bartender Niaylah and then proceeded to burst into tears. It was just a nice peck and it made her internally want to throw up. She swore off any romantic partners since then. It was something she has discussed at length with Wells before. Unless it's not actually a date and he just said that as a saying. Now Clarke is super confused at what she just agreed to. Her mouth hangs open with a frown on her face.

"Huh?" 

//

She stands up once finishing her coffee and makes her way to the nurses station. Confused and a little shocked. She makes her way with a frown still permanently on her face and sees the young nurse who screwed up, hiding his face behind the wall. 

"Brown! Get over here." She says sternly. The young nurse sheepishly walks over and he keeps his head ducked and Clarke sighs, suddenly not having the energy to give him a good yelling. "If you're not sure about something, you need to speak up. You're just out of school, you're not suppose to know everything right off the bat. But you gotta be able to ask for help or you're going to get someone killed. Understand?" Clarke uses her best mom stare down. He nods and Clarke dismisses him for the rest of the day. She then grabs a chart and heads to a patients room. They had been getting complaints from the room due to the old man constantly having the TV up loud. Clarke walks in and the news is just blaring through the television while Mr. Lorne sleeps soundly. She sighs and moves around to check his vitals and write them on the chart. 

"Rumors are circulating that a big battle in Weather is happening as we speak. Sources close to certain Generals say this could be the one to end the war finally after nearly six years. No one is sure where it's taking place but we're told it's a huge invasion mixed with all fleets." The news reporter says. Clarke sighs, it's been like that for years now. They say it'll be done within a few months, then it just gets more and more deadlier. She grabs his remote and turns off the TV. After writing everything down, her shift is up. She decides to head over to Raven and Anya's to get their opinion on the Wells thing. 

She clocks out and hands her shift over to the other head nurse and gets into her vehicle. She can probably hang out at Raven's for at least a couple hours. Aden was to help Lia walk home and watch her while she was at work. She decides she'll just go to the diner and pick something up for the three of them. She drives to Raven's and sees only her car in the driveway. She exits her vehicle and just makes her way into the house without knocking. 

"Rae?!" Clarke calls out. She hears clambering coming from the garage door and figures that's where she is. Clarke opens and finds Raven covered in grease and elbow deep in the hood of an older car. 

"Hey, Griff! What brings you by?" Raven looks up and over at Clarke. Clarke sighs and makes her way over to the fridge to grab a beer. Raven raises her eyebrows. "Bad day?" She asks. Clarke pops the bottle cap and brings it up to her lips as she nods. Raven moves her dirty hands and arms out of the hood and starts trying to wipe them on a rag and her pants. She then gestures for Clarke to give her a beer as well. Clarke hands her one as Raven sits on a stool and Clarke sits down on the little ledge by the door that leads into the house. 

"I had a new nurse nearly kill a guy because he decided to guess on doses. Got MY ass chewed out for it." Clarke tells her. Raven winces.

"That sucks." Raven sips her beer. 

"And then i'm pretty sure Wells asked me out on a date, but i'm not sure." Clarke says. Raven sputters and chokes on her beer, spitting some of it out on the floor. 

"What?!" She calls out. Clarke nods with eyes wide.

"We were just talking and stuff and then he's like let's go to dinner two weeks from today. I didn't think anything of it. We've done lunch so many times I thought it was just one of those deals, so I say sure then he's all excited and goes 'it's a date' and just leaves me there all confused." Clarke sips her beer once more. Raven starts laughing.

"God that's sad. That definitely sounds like a date. Have you ever even seen Wells like that?" Raven asks. Clarke shakes her head.

"No. Not at all. He's like my brother." Clarke deadpans which makes Raven laugh even harder.

"Oh my god Clarke. Your first date with anyone and it's with someone you consider your brother. This is too good." Raven says in-between laughter.

"Make no mistake, this is not me starting to date again. I am fine with being alone. I've already told you guys, it would be totally unfair to whoever I were to date. I'd constantly be comparing them to Lexa and it's just not comparable. Even if I don't mean to do it, i'll still do it. I had the love of my life, I lost her, that's it." Clarke explains. Raven's laughter dies down and she nods.

"I know. So what are you going to do about Wells?" Raven asks. Clarke shrugs.

"I guess i'll just go to dinner and if he acts like it's an actual date, i'll let him down gently. At least enough so we don't fuck up our friendship." Clarke suggests. Raven nods. 

"Probably a good idea. Could you imagine if you confronted him before and it actually isn't a date? That'd be so awkward." Raven says as she takes another sip of her beer. Clarke nods. "Just make sure you talk to him after the dinner. So at least you get a free meal out of it." Clarke narrows her eyes.

"You're terrible." Clarke states. Raven shrugs. Raven has become her rock in the past few years. They were close before but Lexa's death and then the fight with Octavia just brought them to a whole new level of friendship. Octavia and Clarke are on good terms and still hang out but it's definitely not the same as before. That stain Clarke had predicted to always be on their friendship is definitely there. But overall they are good. But if she does have a problem now or something makes her sad, she's now most likely going to Raven for advice or comfort where before she would have gone to Octavia. She's only seen Bellamy a handful of times in the last five years. Last she heard he was doing okay. Lincoln and Octavia never had a child, never really having to say it out loud but everyone knew why. They didn't want something like what happened to Clarke and Lexa to happen. Her parents are doing just fine now. Her mother retired last year and the two went on a three month traveling excursion. They came back more in love than ever. Gustus has just been doing his thing. Building pools and renovating houses. Aden's been officially employed with his Pop-pop during the summer and school breaks.

Raven and Clarke talk for awhile until Clarke checks her watch and figures she better head to the diner for dinner. They say their goodbyes and Clarke departs. She goes to the local diner and picks up some burgers and fries before headed back to the house. She exits her car and heads to the front door.

She opens and is greeted to the sight of her almost fifteen-year old son on top of a girl on the couch, about to do god knows what. She slams the door and watches the teenagers scramble off of one another. The girl is bright red and Aden rubs the back of his neck as Clarke gives him a pointed look. 

"Well I sure hope i'm not interrupting anything. You know, future pregnancies and all that." Clarke deadpans. The girl blushes even more as Aden looks at her horrified. The girl then stands and straightens her shirt and grabs her backpack.

"Uhm. Hi Mrs. Griffin-Woods. I'm just gonna go." The girl says. Clarke can't remember for the life of her what the girl's name is. Aden has been starting to grow a reputation of being the towns player. It was like over night he grew into a young man. He's already about 6'2" and muscular from football. He now has started shaving and just looks older than he actually is. It's been making girls of all ages flock to him. This new girl definitely looks to be older than him. Possibly a senior at the High School. Clarke decides she's not going to bother learning the girls name as Aden will just have another one at the house in a week's time. 

"That'll probably be best." Clarke tells her. She nods sheepishly as Aden stands to walk her out. Clarke walks into the kitchen with the bag of food and sets it on the island as she listens for the front door to shut. She finally hears it and watches her son awkwardly make his way into the kitchen. Clarke gives him a look as he tries giving her an easy smile. "You know one of these days, all these girls you're trying to juggle are going to start talking to one another. And when that does happen, i'm not going to give you an ice pack for the inevitable red marks that you'll receive on your face from being slapped so many times." Clarke tells him. He chuckles and shakes his head.

"It's not like that. I'm just dating and seeing who I like and don't like. If I like someone, i'll stick with them." Aden tells her. Clarke just shakes her head at him. 

"Where's Lia? You obviously sent her away so you can try and get a girl pregnant." Clarke says. Aden scoffs.

"Oh my god. That's not at all what was happening. But she's in her room playing with barbies or something. We also played with her for a little bit thank you very much." Aden says as he begins looking for his foam container with food. Clarke rolls her eyes.

"Go get her for me then." Clarke tells him. He groans as he pops a fry into his mouth and stalks upstairs. Clarke begins setting the containers down at the kitchen table and getting drinks for everyone. Soon Aden is coming back with Lia getting a piggy back ride and laughing hard. She looks so much like Lexa when she laughs. She's older now. She has Clarke's hair but a little darker. It's wavy and long and gorgeous, much like Lexa's hair. She has Lexa's skin tone and her lips and nose. Her piercing green eyes are what stand out the most. Clarke knows as she grows older she's going to have a hard time with keeping boys and girls away from her. She's already stunning and will just continue to grow. She walks over to them and places a kiss on Lia's cheek.

"Hi, pretty girl!" Clarke exclaims. Lia beams at her and starts climbing off Aden to jump into Clarke's arms. 

"Hi mommy! Look, I got a bandaid." Lia wraps her legs around Clarke's waist as Clarke holds her up. She shows Clarke a bandaid on her elbow and Clarke frowns.

"Why do you have that?" Clarke asks as she starts moving them towards the table to set her down in her seat. Clarke moves to the seat next to her and watches as she stuffs a couple fries into her mouth and then answers her.

"David tried to get me to kiss him and I said no, so he pushed me to the ground." Lia tells Clarke. Clarke frowns hard at this and Aden looks at Clarke with amusement. 

"Did you tell a teacher what he did?" Clarke asks. She nods.

"Then I hit him with a stick." Lia says. Aden starts chuckling. 

"That's my girl!" Aden reaches over to give Lia and fist bump. Lia grins and complies, as Clarke feels relief. That's a trait of both Clarke and Lexa. Standing their ground even in uncomfortable situations. They then begin eating their food and talking about their days. 

"Ade, I like Mia." Lia says to Aden. Aden smiles at her and nods. Clarke figures that's the girl who Aden had been with earlier. She rolls her eyes.

"Yeah? You think I should go out with her?" Aden asks his almost five-year old sister. She nods and grins.

"Yup! Cause then she can come back here and play barbies with me. Plus, my name and her name rhyme!" Lia says loudly. Aden laughs and nods. 

"Well then, maybe i'll ask her out on a date." Aden tells her. He then looks over at Clarke and gives her a wink. Clarke just shakes her head at him but has a smile on her lips. 

"Speaking of dates, Wells Jaha asked me on one today." Clarke says to them. Lia frowns and Aden stops his movements of eating a fry for a second. 

"Are you gonna go?" Lia asks innocently. Clarke nods.

"It's just one night. Then i'm gonna come snuggle with you, my pretty girl." Clarke grins at her. Lia beams and then launches into a story about a painting she did today. Clarke glances over at Aden who has grown extremely quiet and has stopped eating. He then asks to be excused with a mutter and Clarke nods. He makes his way upstairs and Clarke hears his door slam loudly. Lia looks a little startled at that and Clarke just sighs, knowing she needs to explain the situation to him. It wasn't something she was going to keep from them. Over the years, they've all shared everything with one another. They're bonded by the absence of Lexa and their same DNA. Even if the possible date doesn't mean anything to Clarke, she's not going to hide it from them. Lia and Clarke spend the rest of the evening together. She helps her color a picture and then make some bracelets for her new best friends. Soon, she's getting her ready for bed. Much like how she use to put Aden to sleep when he was younger, she lays in her little girl's bed. The only difference is, she doesn't read her a book. She tells her a story about Lexa. 

"So you know what your Mama did?" Clarke asks rhetorically. She figures this story would be poignant, since it's similar to what Lia had done to that David kid. It happened in the fourth grade, Clarke remembers. Lexa was wearing a dress for picture day, Clarke remembers it had been green because it made her eyes stand out. She didn't let the dress deter her from swinging on the monkey bars by herself. A boy in their grade named Paul Robinson decided to take a peak up the skirt and Lexa had caught him. Lia shakes her head and waits for Clarke to finish with wide eyes and a small smile. "She smacked him in the face and broke his nose." Clarke finishes. Lia starts laughing and Clarke smiles. Remembering watching Lexa, more like sock him in the nose, when she had caught him. They were both then dragged down to the principals office. Lexa didn't get in trouble though. 

"So don't ever let a boy or girl for that matter, do something towards you that you're uncomfortable with, okay?" Clarke tells her. She nods and snuggles into her bear and starts yawning. Clarke leans down and kisses her head. "I love you, pretty girl." Clarke whispers to her. Lia gives her a sleepy smile.

"I love you too, mommy." She then does her nightly thing of looking up towards the ceiling. "I love you, Mama." She says to the sky. It still makes Clarke's heart clench after all these years of her doing it. The first time she did it, Clarke had a terrible time holding back tears. She tucks her in and then turns on her nightlight before shutting off the main light. She closes her door and sighs. She looks over to Aden's shut room and sees his light is on still. 

She makes her way over and knocks lightly. He doesn't answer. Clarke knocks one more time. Still no answer. Clarke then slowly opens the door and finds him laying with his back against the headboard. He's outside the covers in pajama pants and a t-shirt. He has his eyes closed and headphones in. She then sees his foot moving, tapping at the air to a beat. Clarke bites her lip and moves further into the room. She sits on his bed and he opens his bright blue eyes, he frowns at her. He's clearly pissed off. Clarke gestures for him to remove his earbuds. He rolls his eyes and takes them out. They sit in silence for a moment.

"Tell me what you're thinking. Feeling?" Clarke asks him. He clenches his strong jaw. He then rubs his hand over his face for a moment before setting it back down on his lap. He then works his jaw from side to side, a habit Lexa use to do, and sighs. 

"I feel like you're betraying her." He says in the smallest voice, taking her back to when he was younger. Clarke nods and sighs. "I don't need anyone else to be my parent. If we can't have Mama back, I don't need anyone else. You're more than enough mom." He looks at her lovingly. Clarke nods and smiles. They've definitely come a long way. Clarke grabs ahold of his hand and squeezes.

"I feel like i'm betraying her too. Honestly, I didn't realize it was a date until I talked to Aunt Rae." Clarke tells him. That makes a smirk fall on his face and a huff of laughter come out. 

"Only you would do that, honestly." Aden points out. Clarke chuckles and nods her head.

"Honestly, yeah." A silence falls over them.

"Why'd you say yes?" Aden asks. Clarke shakes her head.

"I thought it was just a lunch thing like we normally do. But I feel like I might as well just go and if he tries something let him down easy. I'm not going to keep dating him. I've only ever saw him as my friend. Back when we were younger and now. That's definitely not going to change." Clarke admits to him. Aden nods and squeezes her hand reassuringly. 

"Did you ever think of Mama as just a friend?" Aden asks after a moment. Clarke smiles at him and shakes her head.

"No. I knew I wanted her the minute she gave me a jolly rancher in class. She was my best friend, yes, but I always saw her as more. That's what love is bud. Being with your best friend and addicted to crossing that line with them." Clarke tells him. He nods. Another silence falls over them. He sighs and looks back at Clarke.

"It's in three days. I can't believe it's been so many years already." He tells her softly. Clarke pauses. She didn't realize it was in three days. She had forgotten with her new responsibilities. She feels a lump in her throat as she just nods. She gives Aden a tight lipped smile and squeezes his hand before they both say goodnight to one another. She watches him put his headphones back on and then realizes he's listening to Lexa's old iPod.

She retreats from the room and goes straight into her bedroom. She feels her stomach clenching. It's been a long time since these emotions have bubbled up. She can't believe she spaced on the anniversary of Lexa's death. She knows it's because things have been nothing but hectic. She knows she was aware it was this week when it had been last week. But she honestly didn't realize it was now already three days away. She sighs in a shaky breath and starts stripping off her scrubs. She stands in her underwear as she makes her way into her walk in closet. She walks further in, until she's standing at the back where the boxes of Lexa's clothes lay in. She sniffs as she starts rummaging through. She finds an old oversized flannel. Clarke remembers it from when she bought it around their senior year of college. Aden had spit up on it so many times. She puts it on and buttons it up haphazardly. She walks back into the bedroom and into the bathroom. She washes her face and sets her wedding ring in the jewelry dish by the sink. She brushes her teeth and then puts her hair up in a loose messy bun. She makes her way back into the bedroom and crawls underneath the sheets. She still sleeps on her side. She can never sleep in the middle of the bed or on Lexa's side. She turns over onto her side and stares at the cold other side. She then snuggles into her pillow and then is hit with it.

Her scent is still there. On the collar of the flannel. After all this time, it's still there. That mixture of vanilla, clean linen and a hint of coconut. It's still there. Clarke breathes it in and lets out a choked sob as she buries her face into the collar. She hasn't cried like this in such a long time. She never thought she'd get that smell again. Any time she felt like wearing one of Lexa's old sweatshirts or t-shirts, the smell would be gone. This just proves to herself that no matter how much time has passed, Lexa could never truly be gone.

 


	17. Slivers Of Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is short, just getting into Lexa's five years later mind frame and what has been happening to her and the great friendship she's developed with Cooper. 
> 
> Gosh i'm on a roll tonight. Three chapters in one day! Enjoy folks and let me know what you think.
> 
> Next chapter is a biggie as well as the one we come back to Lexa. I might write them tonight, I don't know yet though.

Lexa holds her head up defiantly. Her arms may be numb and shaking uncontrollably, but she loves watching Mengenala's smirk fall off his face when he realizes Lexa may never be broken. She was randomly asked to hold up a plank of wood, high above her head. He had threatened that if she dropped it, he'll shoot her in the head and feed her body to the wild animals. She's been at it for a good twenty minutes now. Her body is only skin and bone now, so it's quite amazing that she's been able to hold it up this long. Her jaw is locked tight as she continues to hold it up. Everyone else stares at her in awe, while continuing to work. These random tests have been a routine with Mengenala. Ever since she first pissed him off all those years ago, he's liked to make it known that he hates her the most out of everyone. But he can't kill her, because he still believes she has this treasure of information stored in her. In reality, the area that her platoon and herself had tried to scope, had been invaded already three years ago. So the joke is really on him.

She knows about that invasion from a more softer guard. He's been sneaking information to Cooper since Coop had arrived. Cooper and Lexa have become best friends pretty much. He always relays the messages back to her in their cells. She's learned that Cooper has a girlfriend back at home. He had joined up out of High School because he was sort of a delinquent kid. But he always wanted to fly planes so that's what he learned to do. He's also from upstate New York, not far from where Lexa lives. They've already vowed that when they get out, they will stay in each other's lives forever. Lexa constantly joking that they will be buried next to one another. Lexa makes eye contact with Cooper from where she's standing. He shakes his head slightly. He's never understood why Lexa has been so defiant against Mengenala. Lexa has tried to explain to him that he needs to know that he'll never break her no matter what he does. He could scratch her eyes out and she'd still hold her head high. Mengenala feeds off of people being broken. No way would she give the satisfaction to that psycho. 

Mengenala continues to grow more and more frustrated as Lexa continues to hold up the plank. He finally relents and makes a guard smack the plank out of her hands. Lexa begins falling to the ground in exhaustion as the guards start carrying her back to her cell. She's useless to them for the day. She's roughly thrown into her cell and just lays on the wooden floor. She sits up a little and takes in her appearance. Her clothes barely fit her now. Her thighs are barely anything now, no muscle. Her arms are basically bones with skin on it. She feels her face and slightly winces at the cut above her eye when Mengenala threw a rock at her two days earlier. Her cheeks are sunken in. She's certain she probably looks like a dead body that's breathing. 

She's been beaten more times than she can count. With rifle butts, baseball bats, fists and legs. She's been threatened more times than beaten. She's sure the scars and bruises that riddle her body now will never leave. She's stopped thinking of home. She won't ever admit it out loud, but she's stopped. She can't afford it anymore. She always goes back to what her father had last told her. That her family is being taken care of and to just worry about surviving and coming home. She use to think about them all the time and then realized it was conducive to what she needed to do. She knows all of this will go one way or another. She'll either die here and her family will never know, or she'll live to see the end of the war and go home to them. But she can't think about the future anymore. She has to think about only today. What is she going to do to survive today? She'll take whatever task Mengenala throws at her and will survive. That's what she thinks about now. 

She stares at the wooden panels. She's not sure how long she zones out, just thinking about nothing. Before she knows it, the window shows the evening light coming through. Guards are locking cells and the other POW's are settling in for the evening. She sighs and starts trying to work her arms a little, knowing she's going to need them for hauling the coal up the mountain once more at dawn. She then hears the tapping on the adjoining wall and smiles.

"-.-- --- ..- / --- -.- .- -.-- --..-- / .-.. . -..- ..--.. (You okay, Lex?)" Cooper taps and drags. 

"..-. .. - / .- ... / .- / ..-. .. -.. -.. .-.. . (Fit as a fiddle.)" Lexa replies back. She hears a chuckle masked as a cough and grins. A moment of silence passes over them and then she hears the tapping and dragging again.

".. / - .... .. -. -.- / .. - .----. ... / .- .-.. -- --- ... - / --- ...- . .-. .-.-.- (I think it's almost over.)" He tells her. Lexa frowns, hoping this isn't another one of his giving up moments. It's happened a few times over the years. 

".... --- .-- / -.. --- / -.-- --- ..- / -- . .- -. ..--.. (How do you mean?)" Lexa asks him. A long sequence of tapping and dragging starts.

"..- .-.-.- ... .-.-.- / - --- --- -.- / ... --- ..- - .... / .--. --- .. -. - / -... . .- -.-. .... / .- -. -.. / .-. .. -.. --. . / - .-- --- / -.. .- -.-- ... / .- --. --- .-.-.- (U.S. took South Point Beach and Ridge two days ago.)" She listens out. Lexa's eyes widen slightly. Those places are near the country's capitol. She hears the silent celebrating from other POW's who have been listening to their tapping and dragging. Lexa isn't quick to celebrate though. This has happened many times before. A huge surge happens and they all start to think it'll be over and they'll be liberated, but they're still stuck in here. She's found hope can be a great thing and a dangerous thing.

".-- . / ... .... .- .-.. .-.. / ... . . --..-- / -.-. --- --- .--. .-.-.- (We shall see, Coop.) Lexa replies back after it quiets down a little. She hears a chuckle.

".- .-. . / .-- . / .. -. / .- / .--. . ... ... .. -- .. ... - .. -.-. / -- --- --- -.. / - --- -. .. --. .... - ..--.. (Are we in a pessimistic mood tonight?)" Lexa rolls her eyes. 

"... --- -- . - .. -- . ... / .... --- .--. . / -... .-. . . -.. ... / . - . .-. -. .- .-.. / -- .. ... . .-. -.-- --..-- / -.-. --- --- .--. .-.-.- / -... . / .-. . .- .-.. .. ... - .. -.-. .-.-.- (Sometimes hope breeds eternal misery, Coop. Be realistic.)" She tells him. A moment of silence sits over them. He then starts tapping again.

".-- .... .- - / -.- .. -. -.. / --- ..-. / -.. .. -. -. . .-. / .-- . / .... .- ...- .. -. --. / .-- .... . -. / .-- . / --. . - / .... --- -- . ..--.. (What kind of dinner we having when we get home?)" He asks. Lexa grins. This is the only time she allows herself to think of the future. Whenever Cooper brings it up. When the other is down, they start talking about what their family dinner is going to consist of when they get home. If they're going to go to Polis or go to upstate New York. Will it be during Winter or Fall. Summer or Spring? What kind of pie will Clarke make. 

"- ..- .-. -.- . -.-- / .- -. -.. / .... .- -- / .- ... / - .... . / -- .- .. -. / -- . .- - ... .-.-.- (Turkey and ham as the main meats.)" Lexa tells him. She knows he's waiting for her to keep going. "... .-- . . - / .--. --- - .- - --- / -.-. .- ... ... . .-. --- .-.. . / .- -. -.. / -- .- ... .... . -.. / .--. --- - .- - --- . ... .-.-.- / -.-. .-.. .- .-. -.- . / -- .- -.- . ... / - .... . / -... . ... - .-.-.- (Sweet potato casserole and mashed potatoes. Clarke makes the best.)" She pauses once more and tries to conjure up the image. Clarke's face is a little fuzzy now but she can still see her. She then can see the fuzzy image of her son. ".- -.. . -. / -- .- -.- . ... / --. .-. . .- - / -.-. --- --- -.- .. . ... .-.-.- (Aden makes great cookies)" Lexa stops. Not really knowing what else they could have at the moment.

".. / -.-. .- -. / ..-. . . .-.. / -- -.-- ... . .-.. ..-. / --. . - - .. -. --. / ..-. .- - .-.-.- (I can feel myself getting fat.)" Cooper replies. Lexa lets out a loud laugh in which she attempts to cover up with a loud cough. They stay silent for a minute, hoping a guard didn't hear it. Nothing happens so Lexa resumes.

".-- . .----. .-.. .-.. / .-- --- .-. -.- / .. - / --- ..-. ..-. / -... -.-- / .--. .-.. .- -.-- .. -. --. / ..-. --- --- - -... .- .-.. .-.. (We'll work it off by playing football.)" Lexa replies finally. 

".. .----. .-.. .-.. / -.- .. -.-. -.- / -.-- --- ..- .-. / .- ... ... / .- - / - .... . / --. .- -- . (I'll kick your ass at the game.)" Cooper replies. Lexa smirks.

"-. --- / .-- .- -.-- .-.-.- / .. / --. --- - / .- / ... . -.-. .-. . - / .-- . .- .--. --- -. .-.-.- (No way. I got a secret weapon.)"

".-- .... .- - ..--.. (What?)" Cooper asks. Lexa's smirk grows into a grin.

"-- -.-- / ... --- -. .-.-.- (My son.)" She tells him. A silence falls over once more. Both getting lost in their fantasy of family dinner with one another. After a good ten minutes she hears tapping once more.

"--. --- --- -.. -. .. --. .... - --..-- / .-.. . -..- .-.-.- (Goodnight, Lex.)"

"--. --- --- -.. -. .. --. .... - --..-- / -.-. --- --- .--. .-.-.- (Goodnight, Coop.)" Lexa lays down on her tattered wool blanket. She looks up at the wooden ceiling. She knows hope is a dangerous thing, but she can't help but feel the tiniest bit of it. Going home to Clarke and Aden and her new baby. Having that dinner. She lets herself stew in the future for a moment, then wipes it away. It's time to sleep now, so she can deal with whatever Mengenala wants to throw at her.


	18. It's Over In Europe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another one. It's getting so close guys, that's probably why i'm churning out these chapters like no tomorrow. Also why they are coming out so short. Soon their POV's will be blended together, just know when that happens you're at the reunion chapter :).
> 
> As always let me know what you think! Gonna hold off probably writing Lexa's POV until tomorrow. I think four chapters today is plenty to tide you over until tomorrow.

Clarke puts on the least flattering outfit ever and watches as Raven, Anya, and Octavia cringe. She rolls her eyes. She's wearing simple boyfriend jeans and a t-shirt. She's not dressing up for a date she didn't want in the first place. 

"Don't start pouting, i'm not dressing up." Clarke tells them. Raven then starts laughing as something just popped into her mind. 

"God, this is going to be so awkward. He's probably going to be in a nice suit and jacket with a tie and you're gonna show up like you just played tag for two hours with Lia." Raven tells her in-between laughter. Clarke can't help but chuckle a little. She knows the conversation she needs to have with Wells. She doesn't see him like that. She frankly doesn't see anyone like that and knows for certain she never will. She hopes it doesn't change things between them. She enjoys being able to have someone she can confide in and understand. Soon Lia opens her bedroom door and hops onto the bed with the other girls. 

"Hey monkey." Octavia greets the little girl. She beams at her and starts crawling over a sprawled out Anya, hitting her in the stomach which makes her yelp.

"Sorry Aunt Anya!" She calls out as she sits on Octavia's lap. Then Aden is poking his head in, Mia standing behind him shyly. He ended up taking her out on that date and talked it out with Clarke. Clarke found out she's going to be a junior this next school year. She's very smart, has the highest GPA in the school. He then told her that he really likes her. He then explained the whole story. She's the one that has been helping tutor him in Math pretty much the whole year. They didn't like each other at first. She despised him thinking he was just a dumb football player, he didn't like her because he thought she was stuck up. Soon they spent more time together and learned more about each other. He said the turning point was her catching him at the cemetery crying in front of Lexa's grave about a month ago. He said he was bringing girls over because he thought if he made her jealous, he'd know she liked him. Then the day Clarke caught them on the couch was actually the day they confessed their feelings to one another. Clarke may have felt a little guilty about thinking she was going to be another girl he brings around and discards. She's terrified of Clarke though. Embarrassed still that she had caught them. 

"Wow, you look terrible." Aden deadpans. Everyone on the bed starts laughing hard. She even sees Mia laugh quietly. Clarke rolls her eyes at everyone. 

"Why are you all here anyways? It's not a real date, like at all." Clarke tells them all. The laughter dies down and Aden and Mia step fully into the bedroom. 

"I'm here to tell you to not listen to Aunt Rae and make it clear to him before you start ordering that you don't see it as a date." Raven glares at Aden, and he smirks at her. "But, I think your outfit might just be the sign to give him." Aden says. It makes everyone start laughing again.

"Lia, cover your eyes." Clarke tells her. She does as told and Clarke flips everyone in the room off. "Okay, you're good baby." Lia uncovers her eyes and looks confused. Octavia leans down to her ear.

"Your mommy made a bad hand gesture." Octavia tells the little girl. Clarke faux glares at Octavia. 

"The point of covering her eyes was so she didn't know I made a bad hand gesture!" Clarke tells her. Octavia starts laughing and Lia just joins along with her. Clarke then looks to the clock and realizes she's five minutes late to meeting Wells downtown. "Shit!" Clarke yells out. 

"Swear jar!" Everyone in the room yells out in unison. Clarke rolls her eyes and grabs her jacket. 

"Okay, be good. Aden, Mia can't stay over late and please for the love of god, keep your door open. If I hear it was closed at any point, you're grounded. Lia, be good to your aunts. You can stay up an hour later but that's it. I mean it. Seriously guys, don't let her swindle you by batting her eyelashes. Alright, see you later!" Clarke says quickly. Everyone calls out goodbye and Clarke makes her way downstairs and out the door. Not before depositing a dollar into the swear jar though.

//

Clarke has to hold in her laughter when she sees Wells in a suit and tie. She hates Raven. It's official. She greets him with an awkward wave and smile and he does the same. They are then ushered to a table near the bar. The minute Wells starts growing nervous to talk to her, she knows he thinks this is a date. He looks so nervous and excited that Clarke decides not to crush it right away. They order drinks and make small talk until the waiter returns and takes their orders. It's definitely awkward talk filled with long moments of awkward silence from there. Clarke mostly just glances around at the other people in the restaurant. Soon their food arrives and Clarke is thankful for the opportunity to have an excuse to not talk. She eats her pasta slowly, wanting to savor the no talking part. Then the door to the restaurant bursts open.

"THE WAR IS OVER! THE WAR IS OVER! THEY SURRENDERED!" A young man yells into the restaurant. Everyone stops eating and talking, looking at him wide eyed as he runs out of the joint screaming down the street that the war is over. Clarke's eyes move to the bar where the bartender is hastily trying to turn on the television. And there it is. On every channel. Weather has officially surrendered. It's over. It's nothing but silence for a few moments as everyone stares at the lone screen. And then everything erupts into chaos. People are jumping up and yelling for joy. The owner of the restaurant is yelling that everything is on the house for everyone. Clarke hears chanting in the streets as people fill it, celebrating. She finally turns and sets her eyes on her food. It's finally over. The war that has taken her future with the love of her life, is over. Clarke swallows as many emotions start to bubble up. She then feels Wells hand on hers. She looks up and he gives her a sad smile.

"You should probably go home." He tells her. Recognizing that she's having an existential crisis at the moment. She nods. Afraid to speak. They both stand and Clarke grabs her things. They exit the restaurant and the streets of Polis are already littered with everyone crying and laughing in happiness. Confetti being thrown around. People handing out free food and drinks and flowers. She clenches her jaw. "Look, Clarke. I know you probably didn't want this to be a date." Wells breaks her from her thoughts. Clarke looks a little guilty when he says it. "And that's okay. I know things between you and I will always be just friends. I just needed to see if I could get back out there and be okay with it. So thank you. Now go be with your family." He tells her genuinely. Clarke smiles at him and nods. She brings him in for a hug and then departs.

On the drive back home, she has to dodge so many people. Fireworks are being set off everywhere. People are running out of their homes and screaming in happiness. Crying in happiness. She gets to her street and everyone is out of their homes all over the place. Yelling and waving the American flag. People kissing other people. She finally gets to her driveway and parks her car. Octavia, Raven and Anya's vehicles are still there. She takes a moment to collect herself in the car. She takes a deep breath and exits her car. She hears the fireworks going off in the distance. She watches as some of her neighbors are setting up fireworks, ready to set them off. Clarke enters the home and no one even glances at her. Everyone's eyes glued to the television screen. Aden is holding Lia close on the couch. Anya is perched on the edge of the recliner as Raven sits in it. Gripping each other's hands. Octavia is sitting on one side of Aden on the couch. Clarke just sets her things down and makes her way inside. It's then everyone notices she's home. She sits down on the other side of Aden, not taking her eyes off the screen.

After a huge battle in some place called South Point Ridge and the beach, the American's seized it. It's placed only a hundred miles outside its nations capitol. Weather knew it was the end of the road. They officially surrendered 45 minutes ago. News stations begin broadcasting different cities erupting into the same celebrations that Polis is in. Fireworks are everywhere. Soldiers are in the streets, kissing random people. Times Square is completely filled with people, much like New Years Eve. Soon it cuts off and their new President, President Turner, is making her way to a podium. Clarke watches with bated breath. 

"On this day, March the 23rd 2031, at approximately 7:32pm Eastern Standard Time, I had received the official surrender of the European nation of Weather and its dictator Shahen." Cheers erupt and President Turner beams as she waits for everyone to settle down. "Our troops who have fought tirelessly and valiantly will continue to march on to help liberate the various Concentration and POW camps. But I promise you this, the war is over!" More cheers start erupting everywhere and it's clear she won't be able to finish the speech she had probably planned out.  Clarke hears her next door neighbors lighting off their fireworks as the screen changes back to everyone celebrating and repeats in the small corner of the screen President Turner announcing the surrender. Clarke clenches her jaw as a couple tears slip out of her eye. Aden grabs ahold of her hand and she looks over to him. His eyes are watery too as he hugs Lia tightly with one arm. 

Where she should feel happiness, she feels despair. Where she should feel elated, she feels depressed. Where she should feel relief, she feels empty.


	19. The Freedom Of Weary Hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some violence happens in this chapter. None of it happens to Lexa though. Some scenes are really intense. I believe this is one of the chapters y'all been waiting for so enjoy! The next one is also one you guys have been waiting for, but it won't be posted till late tonight i'm afraid.
> 
> Thank you once more for all the comments, I seriously love you guys!

Lexa is awoken once more at dawn with her metal slate being opened. There, sits her daily rice ball with maggots and dixie cup of water. She sits up and stands shakily. She's starting to feel unsure if she is going to make it much longer. Her breathing has become shallow. She's coughing all the time now. The dirt from the coal making her cough up black gunk. Sargent Ross passed in his sleep two days ago. Lexa was grateful for that. He had been groaning for most of the night and then he just grew quiet. They found him peacefully with his eyes shut and facing up at the ceiling. Arms folded perfectly, like he knew it was happening. Lexa hopes that if she does have to go, it'll be when she's asleep. Not when she's fallen over and can't get up and they just decide to shoot her. She picks up the rice ball with shaky hands and eats it. The bug crawling around in her mouth is just second nature now. She reaches out for her dixie cup of water and sips it gingerly. Once she's finished she sets the cup back on the lip outside the slate and makes her way to sit until the guards unlock the doors. She always listens around for Cooper. Once she hears him shuffling about, she sighs in relief. Mengenala doesn't know, but if Cooper were to die, that would be the thing that would break her completely. 

Soon they unlock the doors. Lexa stands and makes her way out. They of course shove them out the door and into the dark morning. They go to the square and stand stick straight until Mengenala comes out and goes on his psychotic rant about Weather being the greatest country in the world and the Americans being scum and should all die. He of course lies about battles and lies about Reapers invading America and saying they killed all their families. That they own it now. Lexa just tunes him out, knowing the real truth that one of his own guards sneaks in. Once he's finished he makes them sing the Weather National Anthem and then dismisses them. They make their way up the mountain flanked by guards. Cooper stands next to Lexa and gives her hand signals with his closed and open fists. Asking her if she's alright as he heard her coughing all night. She just smiles at him and nods, not wanting to alarm him. She doesn't need him worrying about her, he needs to worry about getting his work done and himself. She can't have him looking out for her. But she's also learned over the years it's just his nature. He's extremely caring about others. It's another thing about him that reminds her of an older Aden. 

They work as the morning sunrise comes. It's absolutely stunning view from the top of the mountain, with the ocean. It's little moments like those that makes her believe that there is still good in this world. There has to still be beauty somewhere in this hell. And if she finds it in a simple sunrise she sees all the time, she'll take it.

She shovels the coal into her burlap sack. Filling it to the brim, alongside the other soldiers. She then hoists it up on her bony back, her arms reaching around to cradle it by the bottom and joins the line of other men and women walking down the mountain trail to the boats. There's no trees or anything like that, so you can see everything. The camp, the boats, the valleys in the distance. She coughs and watches as more black gunk flies out of her mouth. She doesn't at all falter in her steps though as she makes it down the mountain. She makes it finally to the docks where the boats are and maneuvers the bag in front of her as she dumps it on a growing pile of coal. The coal is then shoveled onto the boats by other POW's. She remembers a few years ago when some of the POW's wanted to start an uprising. One of the guards left out some tools by the boats. Some of them stole the tools and were able to smuggle them back into the camp. They were all found naked and hanging in the square the next morning. No one has talked about an uprising of sorts since. 

Once she's finished dumping her bag, she makes the trek back up, coughing more as she makes the descent. She's back to shoveling coal into the bags and watches from the corner of her eye a young soldier falter and fall to the ground. He spills all his coal over the ground. No one dares to try and help him up. They've learned trying to help someone noticeably will just get you killed along with them. Best case scenario, a vicious beating. She watches as guards start yelling at him in Trigdesleng to get up. He groans in pain and that's when Lexa notices; he broke his ankle. It's all twisted and mangled. One guard moves over to him and kicks him and yells at him to get up once more. He doesn't. Finally the guard draws his gun and shoots him in the back of the head without blinking an eye. Lexa closes her eyes briefly and lets out a deep breath. She watches as the guard order two POW's to carry the body away. His brain matter is everywhere. When they pick him up, Lexa sees his face has a hole in it. She clenches her jaw and turns back to her task. It's all she can really do at this point.

She continues the task of going up and down the mountain until the guards sound the whistle. They then escort them back to the barracks after the sun has set. They stand in the square once more, like in the morning, and wait for Mengenala. He appears and goes on a crazy tirade once more. This time filled with violence. Lexa holds her breath as he walks past her, looking for who he feels like beating for the day. She feels absolutely horrible for always hoping it's someone else. But she can't help it. She knows if he were to beat her today, he'd probably end up killing her. She finally lets out a breath when he takes a club and smashes it over Private Bogies' head. He starts beating him senseless and yelling in his psychotic Trigdesleng/English mixture. Bogie is on the ground, bleeding profusely and just twitching, clearly unconscious, when Mengenala is finished. He then gestures for the guards to take him back to his cell. Once Bogie is dragged away, he turns to look at everyone and just smiles. Genuinely smiles and lets out a small chuckle. After a few more calmer rants he dismisses everyone to sleep. 

Lexa lays on the tattered wool blanket. One other person was also shot on the mountain about three hours after the first. Bogie is lying in his cell unconscious. She waits for sleep to take her and begs that the images she saw today don't haunt her dreams tonight.

//

Lexa isn't sure when she fell asleep. But she's awoken by crazy screaming from Mengenala outside the wooden prison. It's a near nightly occurrence so she doesn't really think anything of it. It's then the guards are screaming as well and unlocking the doors. They're yelling at everyone to get up or they'll shoot. Lexa stands as quickly as possible as guards start forcing them out of the cells and out into the cold of night. Lexa shivers, she doesn't have any fat on her so she feels the cold breeze worse than before. Mengenala then tells everyone to line up in two single files side by side. They do as told and then he yells for everyone to follow him as he gets into a military Jeep. They start marching through the camp and soon they're at the front gates. Mengenala orders guards to open the front gates and for the first time in five years, Lexa is walking out of the gate. That's when she realizes what is happening. A death march.

Being a history teacher, she knows what it means. It means that Weather must be on its way to surrender, or they already have. She figures their dictator has enacted a 'kill all' order. Not wanting to leave any trace of the treatment of POW's so war crimes could not be tried. They'll march them for a long period of time to kill off the weak ones, and then get to a spot to dispose of all of them so US soldiers can't find them. Lexa swallows. So this is it. She's dying here. There's no way around it now. It truly is a death march.

They walk out of the gates and continue walking until the camp basically vanishes. They're back in the wilderness now. They go up mountains and hills. They take them through streams and marshes. By the time they stop on the top of a hill. 27 soldiers have either died from the exertion or were shot for not complying with the guards and Mengenala's orders. Lexa is dripping in sweat and the sun is once more out. She figures they marched them close to 30 miles already. She's coughing constantly and feels her body wanting to give out. Mengenala soon yells in Trigdesleng for everyone to start digging with their hands in the loose soil. He wants ten by ten trenches dug all around. Lexa looks around at the other guards and notices they changed weapons. They now have machine guns in their arms. Lexa lost Cooper in the crowd of soldiers and begs that he wasn't one of the ones who were shot or died from the exertion. She already told him they'd be buried together.

She gets on her hands and knees next to Bogie. He's still alive and Lexa is thankful and guilty. Looking at his swollen face as he digs next to her. She hates wishing the beatings on other people, but she gets them so frequently she just can't help but want a reprieve from them. Bogie looks at Lexa scared and Lexa uses the Morse Code trick with opening and closing her fist, telling him it'll be alright and quick. They dig and dig for a long while. Lexa's body has started shaking and she's coughing more than ever now. She's confident she's never been more terrified in her life and she hates admitting that. It was one thing to be thrown into a shallow grave that someone dug. It's another to be digging your own grave as enemy soldiers surround you with machine guns watching. 

She watches as more and more of the multiple trenches are dug. Lexa looks into the sky and guesses it's about noon now. They've probably been up for about 11 hours. Soon, Mengenala is ordering them to stop. Lexa tenses and feels her hands shaking furiously now. He asks for everyone to stand up straight in the trench and face him and the guards. Everyone complies. A long moment of silence happens and then she watches as Mengenala asks some of the guards on the far end away from Lexa to raise their machine guns. They comply and soon, he gestures for them to fire. Lexa watches as bodies and bodies of soldiers are torn apart by the machine guns and fall limp. She closes her eyes tight, her heart pumping as she waits for the line of bullets to get to her. Then Mengenala orders them to stop. Lexa opens her eyes as the pool of blood from all the dead soldiers starts running down towards her and covering her torn up boots. 

Lexa feels her heart racing and knows she'll probably have a heart attack before she gets shot at this point. Silence follows as Mengenala is quietly discussing something with another guard. Lexa looks over at the horde of bodies and guesses they just shot about another 30 of them. She's not sure though as they're so many bodies. Lexa looks over and Bogie has his fists clenched and jaw tense as the rest wait for what's going to happen next. Mengenala then orders for the rest of them to leave the trench and to take the piles of dirt and throw it on the new dead bodies. Lexa's heart is still thumping hard as she slowly climbs out of the trench. She moves over to the stack of dirt and is forced to look at the many pairs of dead open eyes, just staring at her as she throws dirt on them. She feels bile raise up into her throat but swallows it back down. The stench is already permeating through the air. After they cover up most of the bodies, Mengenala then orders for them to line up again, the same as before. 

He then marches them back down the hills and through the streams and marshes. They go up and down mountains once more and Lexa watches as more people are dropping dead and being shot for not complying. Lexa's body is in a permanent state of shaking and coughing as she continues to hold on. Before she knows it, they are back at the front gates of Honon. They go through the square and Lexa notices the guards burning a huge pile of files and some people's possessions from when they arrived at the camp. They bypass them and are soon headed towards the pebbled beach. Guards are already at the beach and begin handing unscented soap to each POW. Mengenala then orders once more in Trigdesleng for everyone to go into the sea and bathe. Everyone just walks in with their clothes still on. Lexa relishes in the feeling of having her entire body in water. They haven't properly bathed since their first arrival. The only way they got clean is if you were chose to be waterboarded that day or it was raining while they worked. Lexa scrubs herself raw with the soap as she watches the blue clear ocean turn black and bloody from all the dirt and dried blood that was on everyone's body. She then feels a hand hit hers underneath the water. She turns and finds Cooper and feels nothing by relief that he has survived with her this long. He gives her a confused look and Lexa just shrugs. She has no idea what is happening now. Amara had been right about one thing, the Reaper soldiers are fucking confusing.

Soon, everyone is as clean as they can get and a different guard orders them to march back into camp. Mengenala must have left to go back to the camp while everyone was busy bathing. They make it back inside, and the guard takes them back into the main square. Lexa looks at all the faces of her fellow soldiers. It's the first time she's ever seen them clean. Everyone is dripping and wet but it feels so good to be clean. Everyone is standing stick straight as they wait for what's next. A good twenty minutes go by and finally, Mengenala appears on the platform that they use to hang people. He has his multiple other guards with him and he's not smiling manically. His face is even and stone cold. He then clears his throat and starts speaking.

"The war is over. America has won. You are free." He says simply. Lexa furrows her brow and everyone else does the same. Quiet murmurs of soldiers start up. Confused. Lexa thinks it's probably a trick. It can't be as simple as 'the war is over, you're free'. Lexa looks over at Cooper who also seems suspicious. But it's when all the guards step off the platform somberly with their heads down and start walking away that everyone realizes it's true. The war is over. It's done with. They are free. 

A young soldier then cries out and that starts the yelling in celebration. 

"We're free! We won! We're free!" Everyone is yelling. Lexa just stands there her mouth agape. Soldiers begin hugging other soldiers. Lexa has no idea what to do with herself. Every emotion she's kept locked up in order to survive is bubbling to the surface. It's then she feels arms around her and is being lifted off the ground. It's Cooper. He's swinging her around and laughing and then sets her down. Lexa just looks at him wide eyed and he looks concerned at first but then he grins. 

"We're going to family dinner, Lex!" He tells her. Lexa nods her head, still shocked but then starts smiling as her eyes water.

"We're free." Lexa nearly whispers. He nods his head adamantly with a smile still plastered on his face. Lexa then breaks into a grin, it finally hitting her. Clarke. Aden. Her daughter. Her father. Her in-laws. Her friends. She can finally _finally_ go home to them. "We're free!" Lexa yells out with an unbelievable laughter and joins in with the shouting and singing the National Anthem as Cooper throws his arm over her shoulders, singing along with her.

She's free.


	20. Conversations With Dead People

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our babe Clarke finally gets an answer to the long nagging questions in the back of her mind. Here's one of the ones you all have been waiting for. A lot of the upcoming chapters are the ones you've been waiting for honestly.
> 
> As always, love reading the comments! Enjoy! Next installment will be tomorrow morning probably.

Clarke is moping the floors in her kitchen. The TV is permanently on the news once more. Much like how it had been when the war first broke out. It's only been a week and a half since the surrender. A peace treaty has been signed and now it's about liberating the different camps and shipping planes of soldiers back home. She mops with vigor, taking out all the on going emotions she's had since the announcement on the floor. She looks up and sees video footage of soldiers being reunited with their families. Clarke props the mop on the side of the table and quickly shuts off the TV. She's bitter and she has no problem admitting it. Watching these families get their loved ones back, it splits her in two. That should be her, kissing her Lexa. That should be her, being wrapped up in Lexa's embrace. That should be Aden, hugging Lexa so tightly. That should be Lia, being lifted up and carried on Lexa's shoulders. But it's not and it never will be. Clarke stews in the emotions from seeing the footage for a moment, then goes back to furiously scrubbing the floors with the mop.

Lia and Aden are at their respective schools. Gustus is suppose to pick up Lia to spend time with her. Something he does a lot. Clarke thinks it's because she looks so much like Lexa. He likes having her around and Lia adores him. He usually grabs her from school (sometimes a little earlier than that) and they go do something fun. Have dinner and he drops her back off. She always thought Lia would be more taken with her own father, as he had lived with them most of her first year of being alive. But both her children are always with Gus. Aden wears Gus' old football number. Lia is constantly asking Clarke if she can sleep over there in her Mama's room. She thinks that's why. It's the connection to Lexa that they all so desperately need and want.

With Gus having Lia for the evening, she plans on making Aden invite Mia over. She figures it'll be a good chance to get to know the older girl. Maybe interrogate her a little. She knows if Lexa were around, she'd be the bad cop when it comes to Aden and dating. So she has to play both roles. Be the good cop and bad cop. Being both parents is something she's not sure she'll ever get use to.

Once she's finally finished moping she puts her supplies away and starts loading the dishwasher. She doesn't have to work for the next two days, which she finds nice. Her and Wells are back to their old ways after a couple of awkward encounters in the hospital. After acknowledging how terrible of a 'date' they had been on they were able to laugh and move on. Things have been fine since. She's happy about that. She heads towards the fridge and decides to make her homemade lemonade. She actually hasn't made some in a long while. Lexa use to drink it all up within a day and when she passed, Clarke just didn't have it in her to make it all that often. She's only made it one other time and it was during Anya and Raven's engagement party four years ago. She grabs the lemons and the juice squeezer. She cuts the lemons and begins squeezing the juice out, occasionally pouring it in the pitcher when it gets too full. Once she's finished with that, she fills a sauce pan with water and dumps sugar into it, bringing it to a boil. She goes to stir it but then her phone starts ringing. 

She walks back over to the counter top where she left her phone and looks at the number. It's a number from Pennsylvania. She tries to think if she knows anyone from there and draws a blank. She decides to just answer it to get rid of it. She clicks the answer button as she makes her way back over to the stove, stirring the pot with one hand. 

"Clarke Griffin-Woods speaking." Clarke says in the receiver. 

"Hi, Mrs. Griffin-Woods, i'm sorry if i'm interrupting you. I actually found your number in a directory." An older woman says on the phone. Clarke doesn't recognize the voice. 

"Oh...i'm sorry who is this?" Clarke asks, her brow furrowed in confusion. The woman seems to remember she didn't tell Clarke her name.

"Oh i'm sorry, I forgot we never got a chance to meet when you were up here. I'm Maria Artigas. Rhemy's mother." The woman says. Clarke stops stirring for a moment as she recalls the visit to Rhemy so many years ago. 

"Right, yes. I remember him." Clarke says, growing more and more confused on the reasoning of the call. 

"Yeah, I remember Rhemy saying your wife lived in Polis and so I found your number in the directory." Maria tells her. Clarke nods to herself, waiting for the woman to explain why she needed to find Clarke's number in the first place. 

"How is he?" Clarke finds herself asking, still stirring the pot. She hears a long sigh on the other end. 

"Well, he was in a bad way for a long while. He just couldn't fight whatever demons he head. He took his own life over a year ago." Maria tells her somberly. Clarke pauses and feels incredibly guilty. She thinks maybe her pushing him so much that day helped reopen his wounds. 

"I'm so sorry. I didn't know." Clarke tells her sincerely.

"It's okay sweetie, how could you? And if anyone needs to apologize, it's me on behalf of my son." She tells her. Clarke frowns, growing more and more confused as Rhemy's mother continues talking to her. 

"I don't understand." Clarke states. The sugar is dissolved and she turns off the stove and moves the saucepan onto the counter top to cool down. She moves over to the island and takes a seat on one of the stools.

"I found something of his when finally cleaning his room out a few days ago. I don't think it's something I could explain over the phone to you. In the directory was also your address and I didn't know what to do with it so I mailed it to you. I was calling so you'd know it was from me and that I give you full permission to do whatever you need to do with it. And also to express my deepest apologies to you and your family on behalf of him." She finishes. Clarke continues to scowl in absolute confusion.

"Okay? Thank you, I guess?" Clarke states as more of a question. 

"I'll let you go. It should be in your mailbox now. I mailed it after I processed it through my own head. Once again, I am sorry on behalf of my late son." Clarke doesn't even have time to say goodbye when the phone clicks. She sets down her phone and just shakes her head in absolute confusion. 

//

Clarke finishes up her homemade lemonade recipe and puts the pitcher into the fridge. She then decides to see if whatever Maria sent her is indeed in the mailbox. She heads outside and makes her way to the end of the driveway. She waves at some of her neighbors who are outside and makes her way to the mailbox. She opens and sees a large thick rectangular package that was rolled up to fit into the mailbox. There's letters underneath it, utilities bills probably. She grabs the package and other envelopes. She feels the package and can tell it's a notebook. She makes her way inside and deposits the other envelopes on the little table in the entry way. She makes her way back to the kitchen with the package. She pulls a seat out at the kitchen table and takes a seat. She studies the packaging for moment. Reading the sender address and the handwriting of Clarke's address. She then opens it up. 

A green spiral notebook greets her. At the top, Rhemy's name is written with a sharpie in block letters. Why the hell would she send her his notebook? Clarke shakes her head once more in confusion and flips it open. The first page has written across the entire page 'To Whom It May Concern' and that's it. Clarke starts to wonder if Maria sent her his suicide note but thinks she probably wouldn't part with something like that. Much like how Clarke can't part with the letter informing her of Lexa's death. She swallows thickly wondering what this notebook held. She flips the page and the next page is filled with writing. She doesn't read it right away and just flips through more pages and realizes nearly all of the notebook is filled with his writing. Clarke flips back to the first page where the writing starts and begins reading...

 _God I was so terrified when we got onto that plane. I couldn't for the life of me remember my paratrooper training at basic. I remember my hands were trembling so bad. Lexa was sitting next to me and she put a gentle hand on mine to help calm my nerves._ Clarke pauses. Okay Lexa is mentioned in this. She continues to read.  _Anyways it all worked out, no mishaps. Sheffield then asked Lexa to guide us to the river bank. She just nodded like she always does and we started walking. Keeping our guns up looking for Reapers. Soon we made it to the river bank and just sort of spread out._ Clarke then realizes this was the mission. He was retelling the story of the mission that got her wife killed. Clarke takes a deep shaky breath and continues. 

 _Before we know it, we're being shot at. Lexa and Sheffield hid behind this boulder thing, shooting the shit out of the Reapers. Sheffield then called us all over to where they were and then explained that we were retreating and to run on his count. Soon he's yelling at us to run and I sprinted like hell. I don't know how long we ran for but it was awhile. Once we stopped, we moved to higher ground so we could have an advantage point. Sheffield then looked at his call box and it was just shit. Bullet holes all over it. He then asks Lexa how far off course we were and she tells us 40 miles. I felt my stomach churn when she said that. I didn't want to die out there. I wanted to go home. She then explained that if we just forego the mission we'll be golden with getting to Blue Cross. So Sheff agrees and makes the rotations. I remember sitting with my back against a tree and just thinking about the fact that we were in enemy territory and could die at any minute. Lexa comes over and tried to comfort me. She told me to just think of home because that's what she does. She thinks of her wife and kids and it makes things okay for her._ Clarke stops for a moment and closes her eyes, getting emotional. After a few deep breaths, she continues once more.

 _I felt better after that. She went over and just fell asleep after that. I did my rotation with no problems and just fell asleep, trusting my crew that they'd spot trouble and warn us. It must have been close to dawn when we heard the gunshots. I remember shooting straight up and looking all around. Roberts comes frantically running back telling us he had no idea where it came from. So we then start whisper/yelling out to Lexa. We get nothing. So we all get up and head to the place where she was suppose to be and she wasn't there. We start looking around, our guns drawn until suddenly Roberts is screaming at us to go over to him. There in the dirt lay Lexa. Blood was all over her. Her face was bruised and battered. She was choking on her own blood from a stab wound to her trachea. I can still hear the gurgling noises she made. Quint and Roberts threw the Reaper off of her and it was just even worse. Her shirt was soaked in blood with stab marks in it. One of her ribs was almost breaking through her skin as it poked out. I didn't think it could get any worse until we turned her over on her side so she wouldn't drown in her own blood. Her back had so many stab wounds. It was pouring with blood. Then Roberts noticed her thigh was also stabbed. Her ankle on the opposite leg was completely turned around. It was snapped and the bone broke through the skin. Between all the blood, you could see the white of the bone. Her wrist was snapped too._ Clarke feels sick. When they had talked about the attack, he never went into this much detail. She can only imagine how much pain her wife had been in. She feels her eyes watering, thinking about it. She decides to scan through the injuries and skips them fixing her up and Lexa's cries of pain. She gets to them carrying her.

 _We tried carrying her so far but we kept having to stop. Quint kept complaining about it. How we weren't far enough away. Finally Sheffield yelled at him to be quiet and just listen to his orders. I should have known then that Quint would do anything to save himself._ Clarke frowns at this but keeps reading.  _We didn't get very far that first day. We all knew at the rate we were going, we'd never make it back to Blue Cross. We'd all die out there in enemy territory. No one slept that night. Lexa had been crying and groaning out in pain all night. We didn't have anything to give her. When we're in battle, the medics usually have morphine to give to hurt soldiers but we didn't have any of that. I hear her groaning and cries nearly every night in my sleep now. When dawn hit once more we tried making more ground. We did better than the day before until we hit a mountain. We tried every which way to get her up there on the stretcher. I dropped her once which made her yelp. We then tried to do a pulley system to just pull her up, but I lost my footing and fell. We were all sweaty and panting and exhausted. We all knew then there was no way we were getting her up the mountain. Sheffield then asked if Roberts could carry her but he was on the verge of passing out, there was no way he could do it. Then Quint spoke. He starts telling Sheffield that Lexa is dying and keeping her alive in the state that she's in is cruel. Implying that he should just put her out of her misery. I didn't think he'd actually consider doing that but he did. He then ordered Roberts to put a rag over her eyes. My heart was pounding so fast. Lexa was shaking her head, and started struggling as much as she could in that state. Then Sheffield pulled out his hand gun and placed it on her temple. I was the only one that stopped him. I yelled at them telling them she's still fighting and holding on. That she had a fucking family back at home. Finally Sheffield removed the gun and took the rag off of her eyes._ Clarke stops there with a mouth agape. He omitted that detail in his retelling of the story. The fact that Lexa was with a bunch of people, besides Artigas, that were willing to just let their superior officer shoot their own in the head...she can't even believe it. Clarke swallows the sickness that is threatening to come up and moves her eyes back over to the page.

 _He then asks for volunteers to take her around the mountain. I agreed instantly. There was no way I was going to let her out of my sight at that point. I could tell she was trying to hide how frightened she was. Before I know it, Quint is also volunteering. I thought he probably ulterior motives but I pushed it out of my mind. I thought I was just being paranoid. Sheffield makes Quint promise that we give her a proper burial and he agrees. Soon the rest are leaving and Quint and I begin carrying Lexa to go around the mountain. We made it fairly far with just the two of us. Lexa was awake just keeping her eye on us the whole time. I didn't blame her. Soon we set up camp and I decided to go down to the river to fill my canteen. When I came back Quint was standing eye level to Lexa's stretcher. Lexa was staring at him with her nostrils flared and her eyes glaring. I asked him what he was doing and he told me nothing. He then launches into how he wasn't suppose to die with an injured guide and a teenager and then went to sleep. I stayed up for watch. At about 2 am I woke Quint up to take my place. We switched and I fell asleep. Lexa was still alive then. God she was still alive._ Clarke pauses for a moment and goes back through her memory bank. He had said she died in her sleep and they didn't discover it until dawn. It's now 2 am according to his retelling and she was alive. Clarke clenches her jaw, already sensing there's going to be more omitted things coming up.

 _I was startled awake by Quint's hand over my mouth at dawn. He then harshly whispered in my ear that he spotted 20 Reapers by the river bank. I felt my heart thumping. I knew for a fact we couldn't take them. There was really only two of us. I looked over and Lexa was looking at us wide eyed and just as terrified._ Clarke stops. She looks up from the page and clenches her jaw hard. She was fucking right to have questioned him about that. She was absolutely right. She was still alive when they spotted the Reapers. She was still breathing and terrified when they spotted them. Clarke begins breathing heavily and her hands begin to shake. This is the truth right here. This is what really had happened. No details omitted. No details changed. After a few more deep breaths, she wills herself to learn the truth. A truth she probably has always known.

_I then asked Quint what we should do. He said we had to leave right then and there. I then looked back at Lexa and asked him if he thought we could carry her. He then got angry and repeated that there were 20 Reapers with guns and spears and other archaic weapons. My heart was going so fast, I just didn't know what to do. He then said we were leaving her and that made my heart stop. I reminded him that she was still alive. He then jumped on top of me and threw my body to the ground. He started yelling at me that she was as good as dead and that she wasn't worth our lives. He then brought up my home. My family. I started picturing my mom and friends. How devastated they'd be if I died out there. But we promised Sheff we'd give her a proper burial and something must have snapped in him. He got off of me and went over to Lexa who could only just watch us. She couldn't speak or move. Just watch with her eyes. Quint grabbed both of her ankles and just pulled her off of the stretcher, making her stabbed up back hit the forest floor. She groaned so loud in pain from the contact. He then dragged her to the shallow grave he had dug the day before when we stopped. Once she was in it, he jumped out and started throwing piles of dirt on her body. I could hear her trying to yell at him and I can imagine she was struggling but I couldn't see her from that angle. Once he was finished he came back over. He then said she was buried and that if I don't leave with him right then and there, he'd shoot me in the fucking head. I was absolutely paralyzed with fear. I knew there was no way in hell that I could take Quint on. I then tried to justify it in my head that she was already dying. She'd probably be dead in a few hours, if the Reapers didn't get to her first. We both just quickly grabbed our things. Quint snatched up her dog tags and wedding ring and put them around his neck. We then moved past her grave. I looked down on her. Her eyes were pleading with me. Begging me to help her. She had piles of dirt on her torso and thighs. But I just followed Quint. I just left her there. In a shallow grave with her still breathing._

Clarke throws a hand over her mouth and is up and out of the chair. She runs into the bathroom and throws up all the contents in her stomach. She continues to dry heave for awhile. Images of a very alive Lexa struggling as she's buried alive. She was alive and fighting. She was fucking alive. And they tossed her in a grave and left her there. Yes she is going to use 'they'. It doesn't matter at all to her that Artigas didn't actually drag her into the grave. But his silence made him just as guilty. She can't believe she ever felt sorry for him. She can't believe she felt guilty for questioning him all those years ago. Her intuition had been right this entire time. Lexa was still alive when they abandoned her out there. She was right that there was something wrong. Clarke wipes her eyes and stands. She moves over to the sink and bends down her head to the faucet to get water. She sucks it down and makes her way back to the kitchen table to finish the story of the truth once and for all.

_We got pretty far that day. I kept thinking about Lexa though. How the Reapers probably slaughtered her. How she survived one brutal Reaper attack, only to be slaughtered by a whole horde of them._ _Quint and I didn't talk much those first two days. Until one night I brought up how I wasn't sure that what we did was the right thing. He then told me to stop thinking about it and that what we did saved us. He then started describing how much getting killed by a Reaper would hurt, let alone 12 of them. That's when I realized he lied. I pointed out that he said there were twenty of them. He then said 20 12 what's the difference, a Reaper is still a Reaper. I then started questioning if he made the whole thing up. We started arguing and I just kept seeing flashes of Lexa's struggling body going through my brain. I raised my rifle at him and threatened to shoot him. He laughed and then was able to take it from me. He then pointed it at my head and pulled the trigger. The clip was empty. He then laughed harder and said that he just saved my life twice and I ought to consider him God at that point. I was crying by then. He used my weaknesses against me and because of that, I got a good soldier and person murdered. We then continued on our way without speaking to one another. As we got closer to the Ridge, he then went over our story. She died in her sleep and we gave her a proper burial. We knew we were crammed on time to get to the Ridge so we only got her general area of where we buried her. He then explained they won't come looking for her body. We got to the plane and then back to home base. We both gave our statements and Sheffield and Indra then said they'd put us in for a medal. I hear her cries and groans every night now. I see her struggling every night. I see her mangled up back and the blood pouring out of her trachea. She's all I see now. I'm so sorry._

And that's it. Clarke flips back through the pages and begins to reread the morning she died. No. The morning they left her for dead. The morning she was still alive and breathing. She rereads it over and over again. Her hands are shaking and soon, she's breaking out into hysterics. 

"Oh god! Oh god oh god oh god!" She calls out to the empty house. She begins hyperventilating. She falls out of the chair and onto the floor, sobbing and trying to breathe. She sees Lexa. She sees her in the grave and struggling. She sees her mangled up body. She sees her helpless and pleading. She sees her starving and dehydrating. She sees her injured body, unmoving and dead. All alone. All alone in the cold. All alone and in pain. She then feels arms wrapping around her. She looks up into scared light blue eyes.

"Mom! Mom! What's going on?! You need to breathe mom!" Aden is yelling at her. She keeps shaking her head and sobbing out. Aden wraps his arms around her and she hears him once more. "Papa! Get over here now! There's something wrong, mom is on the floor and just sobbing and I can't get her to breathe. Hurry please, I'm scared." Aden says. Clarke starts shaking, the images of her love in that state keep flashing before her eyes. Before she knows it, she's being carried in her father's arms up the stairs. He lays her on her bed and Clarke finally gets a word out.

"The notebook. The notebook. The table. She was alive, daddy. She was alive. Oh my god she was alive!" Clarke sobs. Jake rushes out of the bedroom and heads down to the kitchen. He sees the green notebook and snaps it up. He looks at the page it was left on and begins reading. He starts feeling his blood boiling and now is aware why his daughter is wailing and crying so hard.

She was alive. She was alive and they left her. They left her to suffer.


	21. A Movie Script Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a short one. Just showing Lexa and the rest of the POW's waiting for official liberation from the camp. It's fairly light which I think you guys will appreciate. Next chapter will probably be up in a few hours.
> 
> You guys have been amazing with the support of this story. Seriously. My heart grows three times the amount with every comment I read, so thank you! :)

Lexa and the rest of the POW's have spent the past two days running around the camp, waiting for actual liberation. Some of the prisoners did decide to just walk out of the camp, something everyone else tried to warn them not to do. She hopes they ran into American soldiers at some point on their journey. There may be a surrender but sometimes not every enemy soldier is going to abide by it at first. Bitter that their country surrendered, they'll get their last kills in before all fighting is completely suspended and they are forced to report back to their posts. That's why it's recommended to stay put until American soldiers are able to come and liberate them and treat them medically. 

They've been ransacking the former guards quarters. The amount of good food they had in the guards quarters was sickening. They've been feeding the prisoners one bug filled rice ball a day while they have cans and cans of different variations of food. They have meats and fruits, hell even candy. Soon they are distributing it out to the rest of the prisoners. They've been celebrating pretty much non-stop since it hit them all that they weren't going to be killed in this place. Lexa's surprised even she's let go, getting swept up in the celebrations. She even went skinny dipping with Cooper and a bunch of other soldiers for fun. She never does stuff like that, even when she was home. She puts it down to the finality of freedom. Knowing she was one hundred percent being rescued in the coming weeks. The trust she has with the other POW's, them knowing what the other has gone through in the past five years. It's a bond she knows will never break, even when they finally leave this place. 

It's on the third day an American plane flies by. That's when it really sinks in that they are free. Everyone cheers, standing up on the roofs of the shacks and waving to the plane. The plane drops a bunch of large packages by the ocean. Cooper is the first one down there and finds the one that has a note on it. It lets them know that American troops were headed their way and should be there in the coming weeks. The packages are filled with food and extensive medical supplies and it should tide them over. They will be flying over the camp frequently so if they have certain requests, write them largely on the roof of the shacks. They distribute the MRE's and other foods. Lexa takes the medical supplies and fixes Bogies' face, still feeling a slight guilt that she wished for someone else to get beaten. She helps set his nose and puts antibiotic cream on his cuts. He smiles gratefully at her. 

"You don't have to feel guilty, Lexa." He speaks after a moment. Lexa gives him a tight lipped sad smile. 

"Yes I do." She says. He shakes his head. 

"Any one of us would have begged for it to not happen to them if they were in your position these past five years. Any beating you didn't take and someone else did, you don't ever have to feel guilty for feeling relief in the moment. No one has ever looked at you differently. I don't look at you differently." He says earnestly. Lexa lets his words sink in and nods. She then taps his arm, signaling that she's finished. She exits the shack she had been helping Bogie in to find Cooper sitting on steps of one of the guards quarters. He's drinking water and eating cheese and crackers. It's well into the evening now. She bounds over to him and sits. He wordlessly hands her a cracker with a tiny block of cheese on it. She takes it and the two eat in silence for awhile. Just watching the other soldiers acting like they're drunk and they might as well be. The buzz they've all been feeling since eating and drinking actual meals, is enough to feel drunk. 

"We should ask for actual alcohol. They'll probably take pity on us and send it." Cooper speaks after a moment. Lexa laughs. 

"We could just say we need it for 'medical purposes'." Lexa puts the words in finger quotes. Cooper nods. Another silence falls over them as Lexa keeps a grin just watching the other POW's. It's such a stark contrast to what it was like only a week ago. 

"I'm scared about going home." Cooper says after a minute. Lexa turns to look at him. It's a fear she also has but has never voiced. "All this time, they've probably thought I was dead. My plane crashed into the Atlantic. I wasn't suppose to survive it. Of course they think i'm dead. They grieved and mourned i'm sure, but they also could have moved on. I would want them to if I had died it's just-I don't know." He stops and shakes his head, turning away from Lexa. Lexa nods, completely understanding his fears, as she has them herself. 

"I'm scared I won't recognize them. It's been so long since i've seen their faces. Aden is certainly older now. I haven't even met my daughter. I could pass her on the street and I wouldn't know it. I don't even know her name. That terrifies me. What if she doesn't even know who I am?" Lexa says. Cooper turns to look at Lexa once more. 

"From what you've told me about Clarke, I don't think she'd let your memory die. I think you're going to find that when you get home, they've been waiting for you all this time." He smiles at her. Lexa gives him a halfhearted smile back, she hopes he's right. But there's a million and one scenarios that could happen when she gets home. Her family having forgotten her being one of them. She clenches her jaw. She'd be all alone once more if that's the case. Cooper puts his hand on Lexa's bony thigh and squeezes.

"And if they haven't, you'll always have me Lex. No matter what, you're never alone. As long as i'm still breathing you're never gonna be alone." Cooper tells her earnestly. Lexa nods. 

"You'll always have me to. Like I said, we're getting buried next to each other." Lexa smirks. He grins back at her. She then feels tapping and dragging on her thigh, Morse Code.

"--. --- --- -.. -. .. --. .... - --..-- / .-.. . -..- .-.-.- (Goodnight, Lex.)" Lexa grins and moves her hand to his forearm. Using her pointer finger she taps and drags onto his skin.

"--. --- --- -.. -. .. --. .... - --..-- / -.-. --- --- .--. .-.-.- (Goodnight, Coop.)" He smirks and stands and makes his way inside the guards quarters where there are actual beds. Lexa inhales and exhales and looks back out at the soldiers celebrating. Soon they are yelling at Lexa to come join them in some chant. Lexa rolls her eyes but smiles. She stands and makes her way over to her fellow soldiers. In the midst of their yelling, Lexa realizes that she not only is bonded to Cooper for the rest of her life, she's bonded with everyone in this camp. These were the people that she should have been in a platoon with. These were the people she trusts her life with. These were her people.


	22. A Woman Scorned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is not taking anyone's excuses or shit in this one.
> 
> As always let me know what you think. A third one will be up tonight and lemme tell you...you're going to be very happy.

Clarke, Abby, Gustus, and Jake stare at the computer screen as they watch Major General Marcus Kane on a telephone call to the higher ups. Jake had flown into a yelling rage only about twenty minutes after reading the notebook and made Clarke give him Marcus's number. It then proceeded with Jake yelling unintelligibly into the phone at the Major General and Marcus requested Jake take a night to calm down and then Skype him the next morning. They've all spent the morning reading the notebook to the Major General over Skype. He listened intently and the other's watched his face turn to absolute horror as the story went on. Clarke had to excuse herself once more when they got to the morning Lexa had supposedly died to go throw up. Once they were done, Marcus was immediately phoning the higher ups in the division, trying to get an investigation started. All they can do is watch him yell at some of them and then calmly explain the situation. Soon he hangs up the phone and returns his attention to the screen.

"Clarke, can you send me the notebook or better yet, would any one of you be willing to drive it here to D.C. and just meet me somewhere for the exchange?" Marcus asks. Jake starts nodding. 

"I'll get it to you today. When we're done with this, i'll get into the car." Jake responds. Marcus nods. 

"Here's my personal cell number, put it in your phone and send me a text now. I'll text you where I want to meet up." Marcus gives Jake his phone number and Jake sends him a text. 

"So what's going to happen now?" Clarke finally speaks up. 

"They want me to photo copy the evidence from the notebook first and foremost and send it their way. They then want me to speak with Maria Artigas, so if you could provide me with her number that would be great. I plan on calling her and getting her statement after we're done here." He replies.

"What about the other people in her platoon? Specifically Officer Sheffield and Private Quint?" Clarke asks harshly. He sighs. 

"We can't do anything yet. We have to have the evidence to build the case which will start with the notebook and Mrs. Artigas' statement. When I send those over, they will then begin the full investigation." Marcus tries to explain. Clarke glares and shakes her head.

"No. No way. You're just going to let a murderer and an attempted murderer just walk around free?" Clarke spits. Marcus visibly winces. Abby puts her hand on Clarke's shoulder to try and calm her. 

"That is not at all what I am doing Clarke. We can't just go arrest them and question them without the evidence. Military court procedure is just like the regular US procedure. We need the evidence first. Plus, we know Sheffield is still overseas as well as some of the other members that were in Lexa's platoon. We need to get statements from all the ones that are still alive in order to charge Sheffield with anything. Because right now, it's only one man's word against the other. Michael Quint on the other hand is another story. When we're done here i'm going to start looking at where he is right now and see about having him taken in for questioning. Especially when Jake gives me the notebook. He's the biggest part of this whole thing, and because he's a Private, the hoops we have to jump through to get to him will be easier than getting to Sheffield who is an Officer. But we gotta take the small steps first, okay? I promise you I will not let them or anyone else involved get away with this. You have my word." Marcus tells her. Clarke clenches her jaw and shakes her head not really knowing how to reply. She wants them to pay for what they did right this second. She wants to hit them and yell at them. 

"What I don't understand is how none of you saw the blaring inconsistencies sooner! I fucking noticed it when Rehmy told me the fake story the first time! What kind of division are you guys fucking running in the first place!" Clarke yells out. Abby starts trying to rub circles in Clarke's back as she begins to get more and more upset. Marcus nods his head.

"You have every right to be upset. I promise you I am going to look into every nook and cranny of what the hell happened over there. I need you to understand that I am not taking this lightly. But right now, we need to focus on the current tasks i'm having you do. Provide me with Maria's number, Jake you get into the car and drive here, and I will be calling Maria and discussing the case with her. Okay? Let's just start there and go from there." Marcus tries to calm. Clarke lets a couple of angry tears fall down her cheek as she nods. She then asks her mother to go get her phone. After getting her phone she looks at her call log and provides Maria's number to Marcus who writes it down. They then disconnect the Skype session. Clarke sniffs and stands from her place in the office. Her father snatched up the notebook and was out the door after Abby had grabbed Clarke's phone. Gustus still sits pursing his lips in concentration. He then rubs his hand over his face.

"Murdered by her own people." Gustus mutters under his breath. Clarke looks at him and sees the brokenness in his eyes just like when they found out Lexa had died. Abby walks over to him and starts rubbing his back in comfort. Clarke can't hardly believe it either. Her own people betrayed her. She can't even imagine what Lexa had been feeling when they left her unable to move in a shallow grave to die. She clenches her jaw and looks towards the window to the front yard. She lets the memory of Lexa holding Aden when she returned from Basic play out in front of her.  Those people took that away from them. They took away more moments of Aden having a second parent. They took away Lia's chance at meeting her mother. They took away Clarke's future with Lexa. They took it all away and for what? Cause they were scared? Lexa was probably a hundred times more scared than they ever were. Clarke bites her lip in anger once more as she continues to stare out at the yard, the memory of another time acting out in front of her.

//

It's two days later, Marcus is calling Clarke once more. Clarke answers immediately and she hears a very long sigh coming from the other end. She knows then it isn't good news. 

"I've been trying to track down Michael Quint for the last two days. He had extended his tours multiple times and has received a lot of medals in that time frame. His last known whereabouts was during the invasion of South Point Beach. I'm telling you this in confidence, because they are not reporting it yet but we were almost completely slaughtered during that surge. Thousands upon thousands of soldiers died. I then looked into it and they were just typing up the letter to send to his family about him being reported MIA. It's likely he just got lost in the fray but it's more likely he had been killed in the battle but until we find his body and dog tags, I have hope he is alive and we will bring him to justice." Marcus finishes. Clarke closes her eyes and feels her anger bubbling up once more.

"You gotta be fucking kidding me." She spits out. She lets out a bitter laugh at the situation. 

"I'm so sorry. I'm going to keep looking. His family is also being informed that he will be stripped of all his medals and if in the event he is found dead, he will not be allowed a military funeral or be buried in a military cemetery. Only one other person from Lexa's unit is alive and we've already contacted her so we could get her statement on the things she witnessed." He tells her. Clarke shakes her head.

"It's not good enough. That's not good enough." Clarke tells him harshly. He sighs. 

"I know. Trust me I know. I'm figuring it out." He says sincerely. Clarke laughs bitterly once more.

"Well you better figure it out fast. Because I will have no problem taking this to the media if I have to in order to receive some sort of justice for my wife. The military's handling of cases already gets a lot of flack in the public eye. I have no problem adding this case on top of the many other cases. You have my word with that." Clarke tells him. He's quiet for a long moment. Clarke doesn't care if it looks threatening. She refuses to let anyone from the Army get away with this. 

"We will be in touch Clarke. Stay by your phone." He tells her and then hangs up. Clarke sighs and runs her fingers through her hair. She steps out back to find Gustus checking the chlorine of their in-ground pool and hot tub. Clarke had got it installed in the backyard about two years ago. The weather has begun warming already and she knows she'll probably open it up to use in the next few weeks. 

"Heard you on the phone." Gustus points out. Clarke walks over to stand next to him. 

"Michael Quint is MIA, probably dead." Clarke states. Gustus stands and studies Clarke. 

"Of course he is. Nothing can go right, can it?" He says rhetorically. Clarke shrugs. 

"I threatened that i'd go to the media if they didn't get their shit together." Clarke smirks. Gustus smiles. 

"Hell hath no fury like a Clarke Griffin scorned. Lexa use to tell me that when you'd get mad at her." Gustus tells her. Clarke sighs sadly. She starts shuffling her weight onto different legs and bites her lip.

"Should I tell Aden what we found out? Not the graphic details of her injuries but the situation and that it's being investigated?" Clarke really needs Gus' advice on this one. As Aden has gotten older she's told him everything about what she knew. He's only aware of the story that Rehmy had first told her. Gustus rubs his forehead and seems to be thinking about it. 

"You probably should. He's older now. He's a good young man. And this investigation could reach the media and if he found out that way, he'd be very angry with you. He'll be heartbroken just like the rest of us, but he'll get through it because he has you. And me. But you should tell him as soon as possible. Don't tell him the gory details though. He doesn't need that image of his mother in his mind." Gustus tells her. Clarke nods, knowing he's right.

"I wasn't planning on it. I'll tell him this evening when he gets home from football practice." Clarke decides. Gustus nods and then moves forward to wrap Clarke in his large arms. 

"We're gonna get through this little one." He tells her. Clarke nods in his embrace, believing him. 

Gustus hangs around the house with Clarke for awhile. They sit outside and test the heater in the pool and the temperature of the hot tub. Clarke decides she'll start heating the pool starting now so it'll be swimmable by the end of the week. She then has to pick up Lia from school and Gustus decides to head out after that. Clarke picks up a cherrie Lia and her day feels instantly better. Clarke thinks Lia can sense she's been off of it the past few days. They walk home holding hands together as she tells Clarke about the drawings she made and how she didn't mess up when she was asked to read a story aloud. Clarke listens intently loving the reprieve she is getting from all the heartache she's been feeling the past few days. If she's honest with herself, more like since the day Lexa left. They make it home and Clarke makes her a snack and Lia sets herself in front of the TV to watch cartoons. Clarke decides to prep dinner after about an hour and a half of watching cartoons. Soon Aden is arriving home with Mia for dinner. When Clarke's finished making dinner they eat and talk about their days like normal. Once they're finished, Lia announces she's playing in her room for the evening. Clarke knows this is probably the time to talk to her son.

"Ade, I need to talk to you." Clarke tells him as he starts getting comfortable on the couch with his girlfriend. 

"Okay. Go ahead." Aden says. Clarke looks over at Mia. 

"I think it'd be best if Mia went home for the evening." She tells them pointedly. Aden frowns, recognizing it must be serious if she's sending Mia home. Mia glances between the two and stands. 

"I have a test to study for anyways. I'll see you tomorrow." Mia says and thanks Clarke for dinner before leaving out the front door. Clarke takes a seat next to Aden and sighs. He studies her. 

"I'm assuming whatever you're about to tell me has something to do with the meltdown I walked into a few days ago." Aden states. Clarke takes a breath and holds it for a few seconds before releasing it, nodding. She then grabs ahold of his hand and squeezes. 

"You remember years ago, I went to go visit with someone from mama's unit?" He nods. "Well he killed himself about a year ago-" He cuts her off.

"And that's why you were crying?" He asks with a furrowed brow. Clarke shakes her head.

"No. No not at all. He killed himself because he felt guilty about something he did to mom." Clarke says carefully. He frowns even more.

"What'd he do?" Aden asks. Clarke sighs.

"He wrote the story of what had happened to her in that notebook I had. His mother found it and sent it to me. He tells the story, the real story, of what had happened to mom." Clarke tells him. He swallows and turns away from Clarke for a moment. A permanent scowl on his face. Clarke squeezes his hand once more and he turns back to her.

"Wh-What-" He clears his throat, "what happened to her really?" Clarke clenches her jaw, her anger once more boiling up. 

"Mama got really badly hurt on an intel mission they were sent on. She had to be carried on a stretcher because she couldn't move, but she was still alive. They were pressed on time to get to a helicopter or else they would have been trapped in enemy territory and probably killed. But having to carry mama was slowing them down. One guy tried to get their officer to put her out of her misery and he almost did but the kid I had gone and seen stopped it. He then asked for volunteers to help take her the long way and the kid who wrote the story and the man who tried to get the officer to kill her, volunteered." She stops for a moment. Aden's eyes are starting to become stormy and watery, much like Clarke's already are. 

"The man who tried to get her killed lied to the other kid about seeing enemy soldiers nearby. He was able to convince the kid to leave mama out there. Still alive. She didn't-sh-she didn't pass in her sleep like they originally said. They left her out there to die because they were scared." Clarke finishes. She watches Aden close his eyes and tears start spilling down his cheeks. He then moves his hand away from Clarke's and puts it over his face and Clarke watches as his body starts heaving with silent sobs. Clarke starts crying once more and wraps her arms around him as he continues to hide his face.

"I know. I know." Clarke chokes out as she tries soothing him. Soothing herself. They stay like that for a long while until his sobs begin to taper off and he's just sniffing and whimpering slightly. He finally maneuvers his body to look at Clarke once more. His light blue eyes are blood shot and puffy. His lip still trembling. 

"Does the Army know?" Aden asks in a hoarse voice. Clarke nods and wipes her cheek with one hand.

"Yeah. They started an investigation." Clarke tells him. He nods. From there the two just sit in silence, stewing everything over. Then Aden announces he's going to bed and Clarke tells him he's allowed to stay home from school tomorrow. He nods and makes his way to his room. Clarke goes upstairs to check on Lia and finds her playing with her barbies. She then lets her know it's time for bed and they get ready together. Before Clarke puts Lia into her bed she stops her.

"Can I sleep with you so you won't be sad tonight?" Lia asks her. Clarke smiles at her and nods. She picks up the little girl and walks her into her bedroom, putting her on Lexa's side of the bed. They lay together for awhile as Clarke tells her another story about Lexa, getting emotional half way through it as images of Lexa's battered alive body laying in a grave flash in front of her. Lia then falls asleep and Clarke makes her way out of the bedroom and back downstairs. She pops open a bottle of wine and has a glass, wondering how things have gotten so royally fucked up in her life. Then her phone is ringing once more and she looks at the caller I.D. and it's Marcus.

"I know it's late, I just wanted to let you know. We've officially gathered a team to go to the area where Lexa was left to gather her remains." He tells her. Clarke closes her eyes and nods to herself.

"Okay." She chokes out. 

"The story has spread through the ranks like wild fire, so everyone in that area, units that aren't even part of the team we gathered, are keeping a look out. It probably won't take long. We're also giving her and you will receive them, a Bronze Star Medal and i've requested a probable Medal of Honor nomination as well. The Bronze Star Medal will be added to her service along with the Purple Heart you received years back. I'll call you when we find her remains." Marcus finishes. Clarke bites her lip.

"Alright." She doesn't have the energy to keep talking to him. They say short goodbye's and Clarke hangs up. She stares at the full wine glass as she thinks about Lexa's remains. It'll just be bones now, and probably not all of them. Murdered on a mountain by her own people. Left to die all alone. 


	23. The Liberation Of Alexandria

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A chapter you guys have been waiting for for a long time, it's short but sweet. Enjoy folks! Next chapter I will try to get up tonight if not it will be up by tomorrow morning. It's next to the biggest chapter you've all been waiting for and lots of emotions play out in it so yeah. 
> 
> Once again thanks for all your supportive comments and love. It seriously keeps me going and means so much! :)

Lexa continues to celebrate with her crew. Cooper did ask for that alcohol and they sent a couple bottles down which definitely surprised Lexa. It was all gone within a few hours. Unfortunately, twelve people have died from the overeating. Forgetting that they all were not used to such an abundance of food. It reminded Lexa to pace herself. She can't even imagine if she went through all the shit she did and ended up dying from eating too much too soon. It's been close to a month since Mengenala and his guards announced their freedom. She's gained a little weight back. Her face is a little fuller, but still sunken in. Her stomach has a little more meat on it but not much. She knows when they are taken out of here they'll probably get a feeding tube in her to get her weight back up. She's still coughing though and sometimes becomes weak when she overdoes it with the celebrating. It's a month in that American troops finally show up.

Lexa hears planes landing in the fields outside the gates and can hear the tanks. She climbs up onto a roof and looks out towards the lands. There, medical tents are being set up and troops are marching their way towards the gates. They are flying an American flag.

"They're here! They're here!" Lexa calls out to her fellow POW's. Everyone begins cheering and celebrating once more. Lexa stands up there and just watches as they get closer and closer. Soon a flood of troops are entering the gates. Everyone cheers for them and hugs them. Lexa doesn't get overly affectionate with them but yells in celebration for them. For the next two days they start setting up a system. They airlift the more critical cases to a military hospital in Germany first. They give treatment to the less critical cases until they get enough planes to start shipping people to London. Other soldiers have started gathering a census to give to the Army so they can contact each soldiers families. As Lexa is sitting on some stairs resting, a man approaches her with a clipboard.

"Just gathering the census, what's your name and rank?" He asks, never looking up from the clipboard.

"Private Alexandria Griffin-Woods." Lexa tells him. She watches his pen falter and stop for a moment.

"I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" He asks, eyebrows furrowed as he continues looking at the clipboard. 

"Private Alexandria Griffin-Woods?" She tries again. She didn't think she whispered or stuttered. He then looks from his clipboard wide eyed. He looks over Lexa's appearance and his mouth goes agape.

"People are looking for you." He states. Lexa frowns. The soldier is then yelling at a Sargent to come over to them. He looks annoyed at first but then the soldier hands him the clipboard and he reads it and his eyes widen. He looks up at Lexa in awe.

"Holy shit." He says. Both just staring at her like she's an animal exhibit.

"Someone want to tell me what's going on?" Lexa asks. They both shake themselves out of their reverie. 

"What's going on is your getting out of here, right now, with the next plane. You're going to be treated at the hospital in Germany. You're going home, Private." The Sargent tells Lexa. Lexa's dumbfounded, she didn't see herself as a critical case. 

"I'm not critical though." Lexa states. The Sargent laughs.

"I have a feeling the Generals will be very pissed if we let you stay here until the other planes arrive." He states. He then gestures for Lexa to stand and to follow him to the medical tent outside the gates. 

"Wait hold on! I need to say goodbye." Lexa tells them. He nods and tells her to come back to the tent when she's finished. Lexa looks around and starts panicking. She pushes past people looking for him. For the guy who helped keep her alive all theses years. "Anyone seen Coop?!" Lexa yells out to the other soldiers. Finally one of them points towards the beach. Lexa looks and sees him sitting, looking out at the ocean. She takes off towards him. She makes it and blocks his view. 

"Hey Lex. What's up?" Cooper smiles up at her. Lexa gives him a sad smile back.

"I'm leaving Coop. They're taking me with the next plane." Lexa tells him. His eyes widen and he jumps up. 

"Congratulations!" He pulls her into a searing hug. Lexa grips on tight to him. Now that she's faced with it, she's terrified. She's leaving the person she's been next to for the last five years. He's the one person who understands what she's going through. The one person who has been here the whole time. He pulls back and the two look at one another.

"I'm scared." Lexa whispers to him. Cooper softens and nods. 

"You'll be alright. I promise. I'll always be here for you." He gives her a soft smile. Lexa smiles and nods. "Go home to your family Lex. Hug them, kiss them, be with them. Look me up for the family dinner once the dust settles, alright?" 

Lexa nods. She then reaches up and places a quick peck on his cheek before walking away. She then turns around again, "Hey Coop!" He turns to her with wide eyes, "I'm still gonna kick your ass when we play football." She tells him with a smirk. He laughs, shakes his head and flips her off. Lexa chuckles and turns back towards the camp. All her fellow POW's start patting her on the back and telling her good luck as she makes her way out of the gates and to the medical tent.

The same Sargent that told her she'd be leaving tells her to get on a stretcher. She does as told and medics begin checking her vitals and inserting an IV into her arm. They then give her pain medicine. It's not long before they are carrying her stretcher with many others into a plane. It reminds her of the plane she had been in when she first parachuted into enemy territory. It's nothing but metal. No seats or anything. They softly lay her down and hang the IV bag up on a clip. Once everyone is settled it grows quiet. She waits with bated breath as the engine starts and soon it's taking off. 

The minute she knows they are off the ground, she lets tears fall from her eyes. She's out of hell. She made it. She's finally safe. She's finally going home. 

The overwhelming emotions and exhaustion mixed with the pain medicine send her into a sweet slumber she hasn't felt since she last slept in Clarke's arms.


	24. The Truth She's Always Known

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clarke learns the true truth :)

Clarke sets up her folding chair on the sidelines next to Gustus. Jake is on Gustus' other side which is then followed by Abby, Raven, Anya, Octavia, and Lincoln. Aden's football game is about to start. He plays on a club team in the spring as High School football is over. This past season he was the only Freshman to be a starter, a big deal in the small town. They usually only let the Freshmen play on the Freshmen team but the coaches watched Aden play in one Freshmen game and made him move up to the varsity team and start. He's quick and agile, much like how Gustus was in his football playing days. It's universally known in the town that Gus would have gone on to play college ball and probably be in the NFL if he hadn't gotten Caroline pregnant at sixteen. Gustus couldn't care less what sometimes people murmur around him, that he gave up a big future for a family and love. Even throughout all the heartache he's had, it's still the greatest thing he ever did. 

Clarke sits and Lia climbs onto her lap, ready to yell and sideline coach alongside her Pop-Pop. She's become quite the football connoisseur in the last two years. Aden sometimes lets her come with him on runs or lets her help him with plays. Clarke is pretty positive she knows more about football than Clarke does. Soon, the players are taking the field after a coin toss. Aden's team is receiving first. After the kick-off and a touchback, Aden comes running onto the field.

"Let's go Ade!" Clarke yells out as everyone else shouts different variations of the same thing. Clarke watches as the quarterback calls out seemingly random phrases and Aden shuffles around to the other side of him. He calls hike and Aden runs right by the quarterback and takes the ball and attempts to run it. He's stopped after gaining 2 yards. "Good run, Aden!" Clarke calls out. Both Lia and Gustus look at her dumbfounded.

"Mommy, that was not a good run!" Lia tells her seriously. Clarke rolls her eyes as Gustus begins to chuckle.

"I've taught her well." Gustus says to Lia as he leans over and ruffles her hair. She bats his hand away and leans further into Clarke as the next play begins. Aden carries the ball once more about 6 yards this time which makes Gustus and Lia cheer. The next play is a throw and Aden catches it for a first down and then some before he's laid out. Clarke's heart still clenches whenever she watches her son take big hits like that. She's confident she'll never be use to it. He stands quickly and is then back on the sidelines for two plays. They get another first down and are near the end zone. Aden is put back in and runs into the end zone to score but the ball flies over his head. Next play he's not quite at the end zone, but he's open and the quarterback doesn't notice and throws it away. Gustus and Lia yell at the quarterback, letting him know Aden was wide open. Lia puts her hand over her face and huffs in frustration. Clarke tries to suppress a chuckle. The next play, the other players on the team are all over Aden and end up sacking the quarterback, making them lose yardage. Lia hops off Clarke's lap and goes to the ground.

"Oh c'mon!" She cries out. Clarke can't help but laugh hard at her daughter's dramatics. "Pop-Pop this isn't a good start! They've already caught on to the tacticks-tictacs tac-what is it?" Lia asks him with a furrowed brow. Gustus chuckles and Clarke holds in her laughter.

"Tactics." He replies to her. She nods furiously. 

"Yes! That!" She points at him. Gustus nods.

"You're right little one. They can't use him for awhile to throw them off. Hopefully their dumbass coach figures that out." Gustus says. Clarke looks over at him pointedly.

"Gus." Clarke says, not appreciating the cussing. 

"Swear jar, Pop-Pop." Lia says only seconds later. Gustus sighs and gets his wallet out and hands Lia a dollar. She smiles mischievously at him and Clarke watches Gustus visibly melt. She knows why because when Lia smiles like that, it's all Lexa. It's kind of scary how she looks like Lexa's twin when she smiles that particular way. Gustus meets Clarke's eyes and she gives him a sad smile, knowing he's thinking the exact same thing. Clarke brings her hand up and squeezes his shoulder briefly before turning her attention back to Aden's game. 

The first half goes just as Gustus had predicted. The other team is all over Aden and Aden's coach doesn't seem to realize they need to stop trying to use him so much. Gustus, Jake, and Lia got particularly impassioned when Aden had got the ball and got horse-collared and brought down hard and the ref didn't call a penalty. Clarke was half afraid they were going to get kicked off the field, including her daughter. They were behind by a touchdown when the fifteen minute halftime started. Clarke plays on her phone as she listens to Gus, her father, and daughter talk strategy amongst themselves. Soon her phone is buzzing and Marcus' name pops up. Clarke pales, knowing exactly why he's calling. She bites her lip on deciding if she should answer it or not. She decides to let it go to voicemail. She switches her phone to silent and deposits it back into her pocket. She doesn't want to not be present at Aden's game. She knows the minute he tells her they found Lexa's remains, she'll truly lose it. Doubt has always been a factor in her mind; so with complete and wholly confirmation that Lexa's remains are being brought back home, she'll really finally be able to erase the slivers of doubt she has. Frankly, she's not positive she'll truly be able to handle it this time. 

So she decides to call him back later. When the kids are asleep and she'll probably make Gustus and her parents be with her when she does. Soon the whistle is blowing and the game is resuming. Lia climbs back up into Clarke's lap and Clarke wraps her arms around her and starts attacking her face with kisses. She laughs and tries to move her head away but Clarke kisses her a few more times before stopping. 

"Your birthday is coming up pretty girl. You want to do a pool party?" Clarke asks her. She nods and smiles.

"Yes, but not everyone in my class can swim." Lia frowns. Clarke shrugs.

"That's okay. We have the hot tub too, and we can set up the volleyball net and play games. We also got your old floaties for the people who want to swim but don't know how." Clarke suggests. She beams at Clarke like she just solved the world's greatest mystery and puts a kiss on Clarke's cheek.

"Thanks mommy. I love you." She tells Clarke. Clarke smiles and brushes some of Lia's long hair out of her hairs.

"I love you too, pretty girl." Clarke says. The both turn back to the game and it's pretty much going the same. Although Aden's team's defense is stopping the other team a lot better than before. Aden's coach it seems has also caught on that they are cornering him. Aden stays out for almost the entire 3rd quarter. Gustus comments that they are just interested in stopping the other team from scoring. It works, and the other team doesn't put up anymore points in that quarter. It's then to the final quarter and Aden is finally put back in. They run plays that don't use him and don't make much ground. Finally, at about 1:15 seconds left, Aden runs past the quarterback and snatches the ball for a run. He finds an opening and takes off down the field. Clarke and everyone jump up yelling and screaming as he continues running, nearly getting tackled or thrown out of bounds, he finally makes it to the end zone and dives in; touchdown. Clarke jumps up and down in happiness as Aden's team starts celebrating with him. The extra point would tie the game, but it's clear the coach wants to go for two. They set up and soon the quarterback calls hike and Aden beautifully runs to the corner of the end zone and jumps up in a pack of the other teams players and catches it safely as he falls to the ground inbounds. They get the extra two points and win the game. Everyone celebrates and Clarke watches Aden take off his helmet and kiss his fingertips and holds them up to the sky. For Lexa. His team then bounds on him and they start celebrating. He comes over to the family and everyone congratulates him and he picks up Lia and puts her on his shoulders for her to go join the team with him while his coach says a few words to them. 

"You guys up to go to Pino's for pizza and stuff? I'll call and see if the private room is available." Clarke asks everyone. Everyone nods but Gustus says he'll make the call. Soon the room is booked and Aden is bringing Lia back over so he can shower quickly and go with them. Clarke tells everyone to just meet them there while she waits. She lets Lia chase her and Gus around the field, as Gus had taken a ride with them. Gustus lets her pretend tackle him to the ground, and then brings her over to the goal post and lifts her up. She grabs ahold of it and dangles from it for a few seconds, laughing at how high up she is. Then Aden is coming back freshly showered and dressed with his football things and they head to the car. Clarke opens the trunk and makes him put his smelly stuff in there, also handing him a bottle of Febreze to spray it with. They get into the car and head to the local Italian restaurant. 

//

They all order different dishes and talk amongst themselves. Gustus and Jake talk the game with Aden and Clarke talks to her mother and Raven about hospital politics.

"It's just stupid how surgeons and doctors treat us like shit and like we're below them because we're nurses, you know?" Clarke tells her former surgeon mother. She laughs but nods her head in agreement. 

"I don't think I ever treated nurses with disrespect. They're the ones doing all the dirty work. You should make the doctor who's giving you a hard time start changing bed pans." Abby suggests pointedly. Clarke takes a bite of her pasta and nods. 

"Don't talk bed pans while i'm eating sickos." Raven comments. The conversation dies a little and Raven turns her attention to a different conversation and Abby starts asking Lia what she wants for her birthday. Clarke looks down at her plate and starts eating once more. Her screen on her phone then lights up with Marcus' name again. Clarke sighs and watches it go to voicemail. Then she sees her front screen and looks at all the missed calls and two voicemails. Nearly 30 missed calls, all from him. Clarke bites her lip, wondering why he's so persistent in trying to speak with her. The screen lights up with his name once more and Jake notices this time. 

"You gonna answer?" He asks her quietly. Clarke looks to him with worried eyes.

"It's going to ruin the evening. I'm just going to wait till I get home." Clarke tells him. Jake shakes his head.

"You should answer it while we're all here. So you're not alone, okay kiddo?" Jake gives her a smile and wraps his arm around her. Clarke watches the call go to voicemail again and then the screen lights up with his name immediately after. Clarke sighs. "Everyone in this room is here for you." Jake says, which catches everyone's attention. Everyone sees Clarke staring down at her phone and knows what phone call she's contemplating picking up. Finally with a shaky deep breath, she clicks the green answering button and puts it to her ear. 

"Clarke Griffin-Woods speaking." Clarke says shakily. She hears a very long exasperated sigh.

"Jesus, thank god. I've been trying to get ahold of you for hours now. When I said stay by your phone I meant it Clarke! Jesus." He starts, Clarke has never actually heard him sound so annoyed before. Before Clarke is able to apologize he starts talking super fast and not making any sense, she tries to get a word in but he just keeps talking, even without taking a breath. Finally there's a little moment of pause and Clarke stops him.

"Stop. For like two seconds, I have no idea what you just said. You're talking way too fast." Clarke tells him into the receiver. She hears him sigh and then take a huge deep breath.

"She's alive." He simply says. Clarke frowns, confident that she heard him wrong as her heart rate starts picking up.

"I'm sorry, what?" Clarke says.

"She's alive, Clarke. Lexa's alive." Marcus says. Clarke feels light headed and her heart is thumping in her chest. She definitely registered it this time. She can hear him talking but can't hear him all at once. She knows her mouth is agape and her face has paled. All she can hear is the thumping of her heart as she stares at a point in the table. Her grip on the phone loosens and she drops it on the ground, never moving her position. She's alive? She's alive. She's alive! She's in shock, she can't move. All that's going through her mind is Lexa Lexa Lexa. Her alive Lexa. 

Jake picks up the phone, very concerned in the state Clarke has been reduced to. Everyone else looking on completely wide eyed as Clarke continues to be in shock. 

"It's Jake, what's going on?" Jake asks Marcus.

"Jake, hey, it's Marcus. She's alive. Lexa's alive." Marcus tells him. Jake's mouth goes agape as well and is momentarily just as shocked but is able to bring himself out of it. 

"Wh-What do you mean?" He stutters.

"She was found in a POW camp. She's been there the whole time. We've airlifted her to a hospital in Germany. She's being treated for injuries sustained from being in the camp for so long. She's alert, she's conscious. She's okay. I'd get you guys on a plane there but the military has forbid any families of soldiers to travel to see them. I'm gonna call you guys soon about the doctors estimates of when she'll be flown home." Marcus finishes. Jake nods, taking in the information as Clarke continues to be in shock. 

"Okay. Okay okay. Alright." Jake says. Not really knowing what to say to everything that has just happened.

"Tell Clarke to stay by her phone and actually answer when I call." Marcus tells him.

"I will." Jake says, slightly in a daze. 

"She's coming home to you guys. I'll talk to you guys soon. Have a great evening." And then Marcus ends the call. Jake ends the call as well and sets it on the table, not realizing everyone is silent and just watching Clarke and Jake's dazed reactions. Finally, Gustus speaks from beside Jake.

"What the hell is going on?" He asks. That snaps Jake out of his thoughts and he turns to Gus. He puts his hand on the big burly man's shoulder and squeezes, looking him straight in the eye.

"They found your daughter." Before Jake can finish, everyone turns somber, including Gus. "No. No no. They found her alive. She's alive Gus. She's alive." Gustus' eyes widen as everyone in the room gasps. Abby throws a hand over her mouth at her gasp/cry of happiness and everyone else is looking wide eyed. Gustus looks to not be breathing. 

"What?" Gustus asks, his voice shaky and emotional. Clarke finally snaps out of her shocked state after hearing her father say it. That she isn't going crazy and didn't just hear what she wanted to hear. She jumps from out of her chair, manic and frantic.

"We gotta go now! We gotta get on a plane. We gotta go to her!" Clarke says, looking around the room for where she set her purse. Jake jumps up and grabs ahold of her before she can rush out the door. 

"No, no. We gotta stay here and wait. They're not allowing families to go over to Germany where she's being treated. Marcus already tried. We just gotta hold out a little longer." Clarke stares at her father. She's alive.

"She's alive. She's alive. She's alive? She's alive!" Clarke's eyes start filling for the first time with happy tears. The nearly six year tension she's been feeling in her body, heart, and soul is released. Jake smiles at her and nods. Clarke sobs out happily and everyone finally erupts into happy crying as well. Aden stands and wraps Clarke into his arms. Abby goes to Gustus who is weeping openly. 

"She's coming home! Oh my god! She's coming home, baby! She's coming home!" Clarke sobs into Aden who nods his head and cries with her. Lia then runs up to them confused why everyone is crying and scared, she starts crying as well. Clarke bends down and scoops her up as she cries in fear at everyone crying. "It's okay baby, it's okay. These are all happy tears Lia, they're happy tears. Your mama is coming home. Your mama is alive and she's coming home to us, baby. They're happy tears." Clarke tries to soothe her. She hiccups into Clarke's neck and nods, still confused but calming down. Clarke continues to hold her and hold Aden's hand as she cries happy tears. 

She knew it deep down in her heart. That doubt she felt all these years, it was Lexa's heart still beating alive in Clarke's chest. The doubt was Lexa, fighting her way to come home to them. The doubt was their souls that have been entwined together, sensing the other was still waiting. The doubt was Lexa, still alive. And now, she's coming home. She's coming home to them after almost 6 years of hell. Now they can rest peacefully together. They're weary hearts may rest now.

 


	25. Thinking Of Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little check up on Lexa as she stays in the hospital in Germany. We also get a little taste of how the war and being a prisoner may affect her in the long run.
> 
> The next chapter is the biggie, and it might take me longer to write because there's a lot that happens in it so give me a couple days at least to write it. It's probably, i'm estimating, going to be the length of the very first chapter, possibly more, so at least it'll be a long one for you to enjoy.
> 
> Seriously, I sound like a broken record I know, but you guys have been so amazingly awesome in regards to this angst fest. I cannot thank you enough for the outpouring of love and support you've shown me. I am seriously grateful to be apart of this fandom and to write for all of you.

Lexa lays in her hospital bed. She's happy she doesn't have to wear the gown now and is able to cover up her body. When she was able to look at herself in the mirror for the first time in years, she almost threw up at how different she looked. Pale and skinny. Scars, bruises, and fading cuts all over. The only thing recognizable were her eyes. But even looking into her own, they're now distant, weary. Has seen what other human beings are capable of. She's now in a black Army crewneck sweatshirt with the yellow lettering and some joggers one of the nice nurses went out to buy for her. Even though the size is extra small, they're still baggy. The feeding tube is still attached to her nose. She's gained some weight and the doctors have set a goal weight for her to reach in order to release her to go home. Her body will forever be crippled though. Her leg and ankle are completely shot. She has to wear a large metal brace now and use a cane, more than likely for the rest of her life. She's been told that when she arrives home, she needs to have extensive back and shoulder surgery. Currently her left arm lay in a sling to keep the pain down. That's another issue. Being in the camp she was constantly running on adrenaline and fear of being killed so she never allowed herself to feel her body's injuries. When she finally awoken in the hospital, she cried out so loud that the nurses thought she was dying. Lexa at the moment thought death would feel way better than having to live with that. They finally administered pain medication and have slowly been reducing it each day as her body heals.

A military lawyer and a General named Silas are standing and speaking to her. She's not really paying attention though. The gist she gets is that there's an investigation going on now and they want her to give a deposition on everything that happened to her, starting from the morning she left for the original mission. 

"Can I wait? I mean...it doesn't have to be now does it?" Lexa asks them carefully. She really doesn't want to trudge it all up again. She wants to lock it away in a box and throw away the key. Especially when she is back home with Clarke and everyone. 

"Yes of course we can wait. We just wanted to tell you that when you go home and are settled, the military will probably summon you for your deposition. It's mandatory, so skipping out on it will officially name you AWOL and could be arrested, so don't do that. When you complete the deposition you'll officially be given an honorable discharge from the Army of the United States of America." General Silas states. Lexa nods and turns to look out her hospital window. "Well that's all we came by to tell you, and give you your flight information. The doctors say you will be good to go in a few more days. You'll be on a plane with other soldiers, some are also POW's and other's were just in the fighting. A bus will come and pick you guys up from here and take you to the plane. You'll have a stop in London just to fuel up then you'll land at JFK airport. Once things are official they will call your wife and let her know." Lexa doesn't reply or acknowledge them, getting lost in her thoughts of home.

When she looks back over they're gone. Lexa realizes she must have zoned out and didn't hear their goodbye's or exits. She wonders if Clarke will even recognize her. How could her wife recognize her when she can't even recognize herself? Will her appearance scare her children? Will she be able to recognize them? She has so many fears and thoughts about home and they never shut up. She can barely sleep now, the only time she does is when she's drugged up. Her mind running crazily. Did Clarke move on? If she moved on, what does it mean for her? Did anyone pass away while she was gone? What was the nickname she gave Aden? She can't remember it. She's been hit in the head so many times, she can't remember what she use to call him. What was the nickname her father use to call her? She can't remember that either. There's so many things she can't remember because her head got beaten so many times. Lexa doesn't realize her heart rate monitor spiked with panic at her thoughts until a nurse comes in. The nurse looks at the monitor and then at Lexa who is just silently panicking. So she reaches out her fingers onto her pulse and realizes it's not a malfunction. 

"Your heart is going too fast. You need to take deep breaths." The German nurse tells her. Lexa nods absentmindedly but doesn't comply. The thoughts still run crazy in her head. What if something happened to her daughter in that time? What if she hasn't had a daughter this whole time? What if something happened to Aden? Her heart rate just continues to increase, a strain the poor working muscle cannot take. Finally she feels her heart calming and realizes the nurse and now a doctor are in her room, shooting something into her IV. 

"It's a mild sedative. We can't have you getting worked up. Your heart muscle is very weak from the malnourishment. It'd be very easy for you to have a huge heart attack now." The doctor tells her in a soothing voice. Lexa nods and leans her head back on her hospital pillow. "Tomorrow we plan to take out the feeding tube. But remember that you still can't just stuff your face when you get home. You should hire a nutritionist to help bring the muscle and body fat back up once you're settled." He explains. Lexa nods not really feeling like talking. He puts a comforting hand on her leg and then walks out of the room. The nurse then begins writing down vitals. 

"What got your heart rate going so bad?" She asks. Lexa turns her head towards her, almost like she just now realized she's in the room. 

"Thinking of home." Lexa tells her in a hoarse voice. That's another thing that will be permanent. The damage done from the first Reaper attack has made her voice sometimes incredibly cracky and all of the time hoarse. The nurse nods and smiles. 

"Excited?" She asks. Lexa shrugs. 

"I don't know what I am honestly." She tells her. There's definitely a double meaning behind her words. She doesn't know how she feels anymore about home since she's been in the hospital. She also doesn't know who she really is anymore. She was a teacher. Then a soldier. Then a POW. Now she's just here. The woman who didn't die when she probably should have many times. She doesn't know if she's still a wife anymore. She doesn't know if she's still a mother or a daughter. She just doesn't know. Being in this state of limbo, a state she's probably been in since she was dragged into a shallow grave and left for dead all those years back. What she is or who she is? She can't tell you, because she doesn't know herself.

The nurse seems to recognize her internal struggle and smiles kindly at her. "Rest now. Tomorrow is another day." She says before departing. Lexa moves over to turn off the bedside lamp and uses the bed remote to lower it down. She lays down and tries to snuggle up under the covers. But she doesn't sleep. She just stares at the wall. 

//

The next morning a nurse comes in and finally removes the feeding tube. They then ask Lexa to go to a scale to be weighed in. She had come in weighing close to only 90 lbs. And even then it wasn't accurate as she had spent the last month eating meals finally. She now weighed 107 lbs. The goal weight was at least 105 lbs and then she'd have to continue gaining weight and muscle back when she got home. The doctor pats her on the back and Lexa smiles gratefully at him. She returns to her hospital room and paces around for a bit, feeling anxious and bored. She then decides to go for a walk to see if anyone from her POW camp was at the hospital. She peeks into different rooms and finally at a room down the hall, Bogie is sitting up reading a newspaper. His face is a lot better. He had fallen incredibly ill due to the excess of food and was considered critical. His face isn't gaunt anymore and his stomach actually looks round. Lexa taps on the doorjamb to get his attention. He looks up a little startled then smiles.

"Well, I figured you'd still be in hell partying it up with all the other rag tags." Bogie smirks. Lexa chuckles and shakes her head. She steps further into the room and takes a seat near his bed. He sets his paper down and gives Lexa his undivided attention. "So how'd you get a ticket back so quickly? You get sick at some point too?" He asks. Lexa leans back in her chair and shakes her head. She's actually never told anyone besides Cooper what had happened to her before she was captured. She's terrified of giving her deposition, and terrified of having to eventually tell the story to her wife, but right now she feels brave. Because Bogie knows what hell they just survived together. Lexa takes a deep breath and summarizes everything that went down.

"You ever know how I got there in the first place?" Lexa asks him, but she already knows he doesn't know. He shakes his head.

"I just figured you were like the rest of us. Got captured at some point in battle. Or like Coop, crashed somewhere and got found by them." Bogie tells her. Lexa nods, it's partly true. She crashed on Amara's couch and they found her. 

"My platoon went on this mission out in enemy territory. At some point, I got nearly killed by this Reaper. My scar here-" She points to her jagged scar on her windpipe,"is one of the many ones I got from the attack. I don't know how many times he stabbed me but it was a lot. I couldn't move or talk. Anyways, long story short they couldn't get me back to a plane to be treated so my Officer asked for volunteers to take me the long way. Everyone just assumed I was going to die in the next couple days. Hell even I thought it once or twice while they were carrying me. So these two people from my platoon volunteer and we start heading away from the rest of em. One of the volunteers hated me or something. I'm not really sure what he thought of me, but I knew he definitely didn't care for me. He freaked out the younger volunteer at dawn about a bunch of Reaper soldiers. They threw me into a shallow grave and just left me there." Lexa pauses for a moment. She feels a shiver go down her spine as if she's back in the cold grave.

"And that's how they found you?" Bogie asks, wide eyed. 

Lexa shakes her head. "No. I dragged myself out of it and got away from there. Spent my time trying to naturally heal my body enough to travel back to home base. Had different encounters with Reapers and Azgeda rebels alike. Then I stumbled upon the town of Fredricks. It was pretty empty, it was clear it had been bombed maybe a couple days before. A woman with a kid caught me defenseless and gained my trust. Ended up screwing me and giving my body up to Reapers after, well I think anyways, after she drugged me. Then I was in Honon." She finishes. She doesn't want to go into the gory details of everything. And judging by Bogie's face, she won't have to.

"Fuck. Wow-just. Fuck." He says unbelievably. Lexa just nods absentmindedly. A silence falls over them as Bogie stews in everything Lexa had just told him. "So how exactly did you get the golden ticket early?" He speaks after a moment.

"An investigation was started after evidence came forward, contradicting what my fellow soldiers had told the superior officers when they returned to home base. They were looking for my remains I guess and ended up finding me alive instead. I guess it's been a big story in the ranks and they knew I needed to leave there as soon as possible. So now here I am, talking to you." Lexa smirks. Bogie smiles and shakes his head.

"That's fucking crazy. I don't think i'd ever survive that." Bogie says. Lexa thinks about that for a moment. If she knew then what she knows now, what would she have done? 

"You know, between you and me, if I knew I had to go through those experiences again...i'd fucking kill myself."

 

 


	26. I Was Thinking Of You All The While

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Truly the one you've all been waiting for. Enjoy folks, cause we still got some angst up ahead ;) Figured y'all can spend your time reading this than watching America fuck up once more.
> 
> I'm almost finished completely with each chapter outline. I know exactly how I want this story to end so it's all about figuring out how I want to get there. Thanks again for all the love and support you've shown me! The chapters are going to be a little more lengthy now and i'll try to get them out as soon as possible.

"So she'll be there in a days time?" Clarke confirms into the receiver. 

"Yes, the plane will arrive on the tarmac at 9 am tomorrow morning. When you get to the airport, give the front desk your last name and they'll have someone guide you guys to go out onto the tarmac. There will be a lot of other families and I believe some film crews will be there to film the soldiers exiting the plane. But yes 9 am at JFK in New York." Marcus confirms. Clarke nods her head, feeling giddy that she will be back in Lexa's arms in a days time. She never could have believed this would happen to her. To them. But it did and she's ecstatic of the outcome. Soon they hang up and Clarke sends a group text message to everyone of the details and calls a hotel in New York to book two adjoining rooms. Lia and Aden have just went to school so she decides to pack their bags for them. She packs some things for Aden and sets his bag in the hallway, then makes her way into Lia's room and packs her things. She goes into her bedroom and begins rummaging through her things to pack. She wonders if she should also pack some of Lexa's clothes for her, but decides against it. She knows Lexa was being treated for severe malnourishment, and probably wouldn't be able to fit into her old clothes yet. She had spent all night the night before unpacking all of Lexa's things she put in boxes in the back of the closet. She doesn't want Lexa to come home and see that Clarke had packed away her things. That was really the only major change she had made in the years. The house still looked the same, all the rooms were still painted the same color. The only difference now is their backyard. She hopes it'll help settle Lexa easier.

Once she's done with the packing she begins putting the bags into the car. She checks over the house once more and then sends a text in the group message that she's signing Lia and Aden out of school and hitting the road. She gets into the car and feels her excitement peak. She turns over the key and begins backing down the driveway to pick up Lia first. She gets into the school office and lets them know that Lia probably won't be back to school for at least the next week. They smiles and tell her congratulations and then call Lia's classroom to have her get her things and come down to the office cause her mother is there. Clarke waits and finally a grinning Lia comes strolling in with her tiny backpack over her shoulders. Clarke bends down to her level and gives her a hug. 

"Are we having a fun day?" Lia asks her. Clarke smiles.

"Maybe. We're actually going on a road trip. We're going to be picking up mama." Clarke tells her. She smiles even more.

"Really?!" She asks. Clarke nods and smiles. She's out of the office door before Clarke has any time to register. She gives the office ladies a sheepish smile as they laugh at Lia's excitement. 

"Well let's go mommy!" Lia calls back to her. Clarke laughs and shakes her head as they make their way back to the car. After getting Lia all buckled in they make their way to the High School. Clarke decides to just call the office and tells them to get Aden out of school and he'll be gone for the next week or so. Clarke parks in front of the front doors and waits for Aden as Lia hums a tune in the backseat. She's humming La Vie En Rose, one of Lexa's favorite songs. Clarke looks into the rearview mirror at her daughter and smiles as she isn't paying attention. Just swinging her legs in her booster seat and playing with her hands. Soon the passenger seat door opens and Aden gets in. He looks at Clarke hopeful, hoping that the reason she's pulled him out is them going to get his mama. Clarke smiles at him and just nods at the silent questions. His smiles turns into a boyish goofy grin as he buckles up.

They are then off and hitting the freeway. After a couple of quick pit stops at the gas station they get out of Virginia and are headed north. The car ride is filled with lots of stories about Lexa. Clarke tells Lia that the song she was humming is her mama's favorite. Aden tells the story of the first time Lexa had taken him fishing and how he had freaked out so bad and she helped make it better. Clarke tells them a few stories from when her and Lexa were younger. They drive is filled with nothing but stories of the woman they all love. It continues on until both Lia and Aden drift off to nap. Clarke doesn't feel tired at all, the adrenaline of being able to see Lexa after all this time keeping her up. She looks at the car clock and realizes it'll only be several hours now that she'll finally be back with her. They hit a lot of traffic trying to get to New York. A few times Clarke just pulls off so they can get something to eat before getting back on once more. Soon they're in New York and continue driving towards the hotel near JFK airport. They arrive late in the evening and Clarke makes Aden and Lia sit in the car as she goes inside to check in. As she's checking in, Octavia and Lincoln are also walking in to check in. Clarke smiles at the pair and hugs each of them.

"You excited?" Octavia asks Clarke while Lincoln goes to the front desk for his and Octavia's room key. Clarke nods and grins.

"I'm still in like partial shock I think. I think it'll finally ware off once I actually see her. Part of me still thinks this is all a cruel ass joke." Clarke tells her. Octavia nods and squeezes Clarke's forearm. 

"If it is some cruel joke, i'll be going away for murder." Octavia jokes. Clarke laughs and nods and then gestures that she needs to go get the kids and their things. She goes back out to the car and gathers up a sleepy Lia and Aden helps grab most of the bags. They get into the elevator and head up to the rooms. Clarke decided to get two adjoining rooms, wanting at least a little privacy for after they pick up Lexa. The kids' room just has one full bed which Aden said he didn't mind sharing for tonight and the next night. Clarke lays Lia on the bed and foregoes trying to get her into pajamas as they were going to be up and headed to JFK in a few hours anyways. She quietly tucks her in and says goodnight to Aden before making her way into her room. It's a bigger room with a king size bed. Clarke sets her things down and goes and lays on the bed. She thinks about what she's going to do when she first sees her. She doesn't know the extent of her injuries, she just knows about the injuries from the Reaper attack and the malnourishment. She knows she'd be foolish to think that's all that happened to her there. She guesses she'll gauge how to react when she actually sees her. Before Clarke's eyelids close she makes sure to set her alarm for about two hours before they leave. She doesn't even change out of her clothes, she just falls asleep in a weird diagonal position on top of the sheets and comforter. She dreams of Lexa's beautiful face, smiling only at her.

//

She wakes before the alarm, too giddy to really fall into a deep sleep. She decides to shower and get changed early. She flips on the television for some background noise and pulls out the clothes she wants to wear and sets them on the hotel bed. Clarke makes her way to the very nice bathroom and starts the shower. She looks at herself in the mirror once she strips. She looks different now. Older. She has slight wrinkles already forming by her eyes. The years of heartache made her less curvaceous, more skinny. She sighs at herself and proceeds to enter the shower. She washes quickly and lets the hot water calm down her nerves and racing thoughts. What if Lexa doesn't recognize her? What if all those years in captivity made her forget important things? How will she handle Lia meeting her? What if she doesn't remember they had a daughter together? So many things she's wondering about that are now plaguing her mind. How will she look? Does Lexa still love her the way she loves Lexa? She stops. She's being ridiculous. She's letting her mind take over now when she should just let her heart take over fully. _You are getting your formally dead wife back_ , she thinks. _The only person who would ever be able to soothe that ache in your heart, stop overthinking it._ She takes a deep breath and throws all her trepidation away. She turns off the shower and wraps herself in a towel and begins drying the ends of her hair. She thinks she'll let it air dry, Lexa always loved her natural beachy waves. She begins washing her face and brushing her teeth before getting out her makeup supplies. It has been years since she actually wore a face full of makeup. Usually she either throws on just lipstick, or just does her eyes with no lipstick and that's it. She's always just felt she didn't have anyone to impress and didn't feel like it. She was a working single mother at the time, no point in her eyes. She begins applying a light foundation before moving on to her eyes. She doesn't put much on her eyes, just her usual eyeliner and mascara. Her blue eyes look crystal clear and beautiful. She uses a light eyebrow pencil on her eyebrows and then moves to her lips. She puts on the nude lipstick Lexa loved-loves. She hasn't worn it since the funeral; if any occasion were more perfect to bust it out, now would be it. 

She finishes up and realizes she looks damn good with full makeup on once more, proud of it too. She brushes her hair, then moves out of the bathroom. She goes to where her clothes are and begins putting on her bra and underwear. She opted for simplicity in her outfit. A pair of light blue jeans and a white loose v-neck t-shirt. She slips the the clothing on and looks at the length mirror on one of the walls. She adjusts the shirt a little and then thinks it's perfect. She settles on the bed, watching some courtroom reality thing in the style of Judge Judy. It's still very early in the morning. The sun not even out yet. She then remembers to turn off her alarm and settles back on the headboard of the king size bed. She looks at her phone and has many messages from her neighbors and fellow town patrons, wishing them well and how happy they are for Lexa's return. The news of Lexa returning had pretty much blown up when everyone found out. Clarke admits, she's a little worried that her nosy neighbors won't leave them in peace upon first arrival. She doesn't need Lexa getting overwhelmed. She had to go to a town hall meeting for the first time in years when her father told her they were planning a parade the day Lexa came home. Clarke shut that down real quick. She compromised with them that when things settled and Lexa wouldn't think she'd get overwhelmed, she'd host a BBQ pool party at their home. They all reluctantly agreed. She gets it though, the excitement. She's been feeling it buzz through her veins since Marcus said those magic words. She's alive. Clarke smiles to herself in the empty hotel room just thinking about it.

When the sun begins to rise, she hears a light tap on the adjoining door from the kids' hotel room. She stands from the bed and opens her door to find a sleepy Aden holding a sleepy Lia. Clarke gestures for them to enter and they both make their way to the bed. Aden sets Lia down and she crawls up towards the pillows as Aden sits on one side of hers and Clarke sits on the other. Lia leans into Clarke and rests her head on her lap. Clarke begins braiding her hair as they all watch the TV. Aden then looks over to Clarke after he's woken up some more and smiles. 

"I'm excited." He states to her simply. Clarke looks over and smiles and nods. 

"Me too. You remember what I told you thought right? Don't overwhelm her." Clarke reminds him. He nods. 

"I'll try, honest. But I don't really know what i'll do when I see her. I've missed her for so long, having her back is all i've been wishing for since the day she left." Aden tells her. Clarke nods, knowing the feeling. 

"As long as you try, that's all I can ask for." Clarke tells him sincerely. He nods his head again and turns back towards the television. Clarke feels Lia's breathing evening out and chuckles slightly. She is definitely not an early riser. Something she gets from Clarke, definitely. Aden then tells Clarke he's going to get ready and goes back through the adjoining door to the other hotel room. Clarke continues to braid Lia's hair, undoes it, then re-braids. Aden comes back, freshly showered and dressed. Clarke laughs at his long hair and shakes her head. "Your wolverine hair should have been cut before we left." She comments. He rolls his eyes and makes his way to sit on the edge of the bed. He looks at Lia. 

"We should wake her up. Get her ready." Aden looks to Clarke. Clarke nods and starts lovingly coaxing Lia out of sleep. She finally ruses after a lot of grunts and rolling over to get away from Clarke. She looks at Clarke sleepily and smiles. Clarke stands and makes her way into the kids' hotel room to help her get ready. She waits as Lia showers and she looks through her bag to find her clothes. It's been unusually hot and sunny, signaling the arrival of summer pretty soon. Lia's birthday consisted of a very hot day, the cool pool serving the kids and adults alike a reprieve from the heat. She gets out some shorts and a t-shirt. Lia re-emerges and Clarke helps her get dressed and then makes her go back into her hotel room so she can comb her hair. Her hair can get very curly, much like Lexa's can. Just another piece of Lexa Lia has in her.

Once everyone is ready to go, there's only about thirty minutes left before they need to leave. Clarke decides to take them down to the continental breakfast, even if she knows she won't be able to eat yet. When they arrive, pretty much everyone is there also getting breakfast. Everyone hugs her and gives her kisses on the cheek. Once everyone has their breakfast, Clarke launches into the spiel she knew she needed to give everyone. Don't overcrowd Lexa, don't overwhelm her right off the bat. Let her come to you and initiate a hug if she wants one. Everyone nods, taking her firm voice seriously. Clarke sips her coffee and checks the clock on her phone every two minutes. Finally it's time to head to the airport. Her stomach fills with butterflies as she gets Lia buckled in her booster seat. Octavia, Lincoln, Anya, and Raven get into one vehicle as her parents and Gustus get into the other. They all tell Clarke they'll follow her, and Clarke gets into the drivers seat. She takes a deep breath, feeling the nerves in the pit of her stomach as she starts the car. None of the doubts she had running through her mind are coming through. It's nothing but pure nervousness and excitement. 

They make it to JFK and pay for parking in the garage before walking towards the building. Everyone is in tow behind her, excited chatter ruling the conversation. Lia and Aden both hold Clarke's hands as she walks to the front desk. She lets the woman know her last name and what Marcus had told her. The woman smiles and nods. She calls on the phone to someone and lets them know a security guard would be there shortly to escort them through a metal detector and then to the tarmac. After a few minutes, and Clarke nervously pacing a big security guard finally comes to grab them. Instead of going through the process of a metal detector, he just pulls out the wand and starts moving it over everyone's bodies before gesturing for them to follow them. Clarke almost feels like she's going to throw up from the excitement as they get closer to the tarmac. They get outside and there's many many other families with signs, and excitedly cheering. They're behind a guardrail where airport police officers stand in front of. The security guard says it's just to keep things organized while the plane lands. Clarke nods and makes her way over. She's able to push her way to the front of the guardrail with Aden, Lia, and Octavia. Everyone else is stuck a little bit further back. Her father and Gustus have a little advantage, being so tall. She takes a deep breath and drowns out the noise as she only hears the beating of her own heart as she sees a large plane, making it's descent to the ground.

//

Lexa leans back in her seat as she stares out the plane window. She wasn't able to sleep all that much, the nerves and excitement of being back on American soil being too much. She was incredibly happy that the plane is only filled with other soldiers. She still isn't sure how she'll react to people thanking her for her service. It made her uncomfortable before she left and she knows it'll be ten times worse now. When they first saw American soil, the plane began to buzz with a sense of nervousness. Most of the people on the plane were fellow POW's, both from her camp and other ones. As they get closer to JFK, everyone starts having a look of panic on their faces. Lexa knows that's probably what she looks like as well. A soldier must sense it because before Lexa knows it, he's singing out loud the start of 'When The Saints Go Marching In' to distract everyone. Everyone looks confused at first, they're not going to New Orleans. But soon, everyone is joining in, taking the distraction with pride. Bogie is sitting next to Lexa and gives her a goofy grin while singing, trying to get her to join in. Finally she relents and sings along with everyone as the plane starts to descend towards the runway. She feels the wheels touch the ground and the plane starting to slow down the runway. The singing doesn't let up though until they are finally at a stop. The captain of the plane announces they've arrived and the first row of people will be escorted out of the plane and down the steps first. Lexa is more towards the middle with Bogie. She shakily unbuttons her seat belt with her free hand. Her arm is still in an intricate sling with a memory foam like pillow underneath it. Her leg brace goes all the way up her thigh. She stands and grabs the cane she was given to use. Bogie opens up the top compartment and helps Lexa with putting the backpack over her good shoulder. They give each other easy smiles while they wait for their turn.

Lexa feels so nervous. All the thoughts she had in the hospital are at the forefront. What if Clarke and her family aren't even there? So many different crazy scenarios are running wild in her mind and she can't seem to calm down. Bogie wraps an arm around her shoulders, careful not to jostle the bad one and squeezes her, noticing her going pale with nervousness. He gives her a look, a look of companionship. A look that they are both in the same mindset and nervousness. She's not alone. She looks around and practically every soldier is also pale and nervous. Soon the doors open and Lexa can hear the faint cheering of a crowd. It reminds her of when they first were told they were free at the camp. She shakes those thoughts away, she's home now, there's no need to think of the camp anymore. It's done. She tells herself. It's not long after the doors have opened that someone is gesturing for Bogie and her to go ahead. Lexa takes many shaky deep breaths as she slowly walks down the aisles and to the light of outside the plane. The roars are getting louder as she approaches. She's finally at the steps and Bogie helps her down. The light is blinding at first but then she looks out and sees a massive crowd of families with signs. Soldiers going up to them searching for their respective loved ones. Lexa feels her heart beating faster as she tries to spot her own. Bogie pulls on the sleeve of her uniform and gestures towards the ground. She frowns but has a smile on her face. He then bends down and kisses the pavement. Lexa laughs heartily, her nerves disappearing for a moment as she makes him hold her cane. She slowly bends down as well and kisses the pavement.

He laughs at her and Lexa can hear the clicking of cameras towards them kissing the pavement. She slowly rises and grabs ahold of her cane and looks up near the crowd. She then sees a tall young man heading right for her. She takes one look at his light blue eyes and knows exactly who it is. Right before he gets to her, she drops the bag off of her good shoulder and her cane and outstretches her good arm. He walks right into the protective arm and buries his face into her neck. Lexa encircles her baby boy as tight as she can as she feels the emotions flooding through her. She feels her neck being wet with tears as her own tears finally start to fall from her eyes. She rubs his back as he grips the back of her uniform. She feels so much comfort from that simple action. The thing he use to always do when she'd lay in bed with him and read. He didn't forget about her. He never forgot about her. Lexa starts crying as she grips him even more, like he's her lifeline. It's then she remembers. Like a light shining in the darkened memories from being hit so much. Her nickname.

"Hi little man." She says to him in a cracked sob near his ear. He nods into her neck.

"Hi mama." He whispers back in a deep voice that is also fragile and small. Just by his appearance he's grown but Lexa wouldn't know it hearing that voice say 'hi' to her just now. Exactly like when he was a boy. Lexa grips onto him even tighter and kisses his hair, and brings her hand up to stroke the back of his long light brown hair. 

As the plane landed, Clarke felt all her nerves go up her throat and was pretty confident she might throw up. As the door opened and soldiers began filtering out and down the steps, she squints her eyes, trying to spot Lexa. Then, families were getting excited and started blocking her view, looking for their loved one. Aden squeezes her hand. Clarke is holding Lia on her hip now, not wanting her to get crushed by the crowd. Soon she has a view of the tarmac and plane once more. She sees two people bending down and kissing the pavement. She can't see their faces but can see the long brunette hair and her heart begins to race crazily. It's then Octavia yells out 'that's her!' in an excited voice. Clarke then sees the woman turn and it is her. She's more gaunt and clearly injured, but it's her. She'd know those green eyes anywhere. Before she has time to register, Aden is dropping her hand and hopping over the guardrail like it's a hurdle. Clarke goes to yell at him, not wanting the airport police tackling him to the ground and arresting him. But they let him pass, smiling at the clear excitement in the young man's face. Soon all the families are moving the guardrail aside to get to their loved ones. Clarke watches as Lexa drops her things and instantly encircles Aden close. Clarke feels her heart clench and the emotions coming up seeing the two reunited. Her father is standing next to her now. He grabs Lia from her arms and gestures for her to go over there. Clarke nods tearily and starts to jog, not wanting to wait anymore seconds to be in Lexa's arms again. 

Lexa opens her eyes and sees a tiny blonde coming right for her. Identical blue eyes to Aden's and she feels her heart pick up speed. Before she knows it, Clarke is wrapping her up, sandwiching her good arm in-between Aden and herself. Lexa extricates the arm to put around both Clarke and Aden. She feels Clarke sobbing in the other side of her neck and Lexa begins to full on sob as well. Something she hadn't done since she left them that morning all those years ago. The entire scene must look like that same morning right before she walked out the door. Aden's just bigger now, not able to be picked up anymore to comfort. She's never felt a happiness this pure before in her life. Not on her wedding day. Not when Aden was born. And she was absolutely happy on those days but this; being back in the arms of the two people she loves most in this world. The fears she had had that they've forgotten her have dissipated. She feels nothing but pure unadulterated happiness and love. She knows whatever comes next, will be alright as long as these two are by her side. Clarke tearfully pulls back a little and Lexa meets those blues eyes she use to dream about constantly. Clarke's hand moves from her back to the back of her neck and slowly pulls her in for a kiss. When Lexa's lips touch Clarke's, it's like she's finally full. She had been starved and beaten and has been given an abundance of food since. But the real cure to her starvation is Clarke's soft pink lips, mixed with the lipstick she remembers loving on Clarke and the salt of both their tears. The kiss is firm but soft and doesn't get heated. It conveys everything they don't need to say out loud. I've missed you so much. I'm never letting you go. We're getting through this together.

Clarke pulls back and gives Lexa a small teary smile. "Hi." She whispers. Lexa gives her a teary smirks and nods.

"Hey you." Lexa tearfully says back. Clarke then notices Aden still clinging to Lexa and she rubs her sons back as he turns his head to peek at Clarke. Clarke tearfully smiles at his tear streaked face. She leans forward and places a kiss on his cheek before wrapping herself up in Lexa once more, burying her face into the other side of her neck opposite of Aden. Lexa begins kissing Clarke's hair and squeezes her as much as she can with one arm. Aden and Clarke are pressed so close together so she can hold the both of them. She brings her hand up to stroke Aden's hair once more as she continues to leave kisses all over Clarke's hair. It smells so wonderful. A coconut-green tea mixture. She breathes it in and continues leaving kisses. Finally she opens her eyes and looks beyond Clarke's and Aden's bodies. She sees everyone standing there crying and smiling. She goes down the line. Her father, taller than ever and openly weeping. Anya, hair darker but looking just as brash as she cries. Raven is gripping her hand and crying, Lexa notices the wedding band on both their hands. Abby, tearful and smiling as she keeps a hand loosely over her mouth. Lincoln, his hands locked behind his head as his mouth forms an 'O' clearly taking deep breaths as he cries. Octavia with her arms crossed around herself, smiling through the tears. Then Jake. He's holding a little girl who looks shy but happy. Lexa meets her green eyes and knows who it is. It's her newborn daughter. Her not-so newborn daughter more like it. Lexa moves her lips to Clarke's ear. "I think some people want to say hi." She whispers. Clarke sniffs and nods into her neck. She turns and also notices everyone crying and smiling. She moves out of Lexa's embrace and to the side of her. Lexa moves her arm and rubs Aden's back once more. 

"Let's go say hi to everyone." She whispers into her baby boy's ear. He nods and slowly removes himself. He wipes his eyes and sniffs while taking deep breaths. Lexa smiles, absolutely floored by how big he is now. How grown up he is. She gestures for him to loop his arm in her sling. He hesitates for a moment. "It's okay, you won't hurt me." She reassures him. He smiles and nods as he puts his hand through the sling opening and sets his hand on the sling. Clarke grabs ahold of her free and and uses her other to hold onto her forearm. Lexa uses Clarke to help keep her balance and walk towards the waiting group. They go to her father first. Lexa smiles at him and he smiles back as he wipes his eyes. 

"You look grey-er." Lexa tells him. He laughs and nods. Clarke drops her hand and Lexa lets herself be encircled by his strong arms. He holds her for a long while and Lexa tries to keep the emotions at bay. They pull away and he moves some of Lexa's hair out of her face. 

"Welcome home, little one." He says to her. That was the nickname. She couldn't for the life of her remember it. Now she's got it. She gives him a soft smile and squeezes his forearm. She goes down the line, getting tearful hugs from each person. Lincoln hesitated, afraid he'd hurt her but Lexa assured him he'd be fine. Aden stayed next to her side, arm looped into her sling the entire time, occasionally resting his head onto her shoulder. They finally get to Jake and Lexa can't stop looking at the little girl with wide eyes and a bright smile. 

"Hey, Jake." Lexa says to him. He smiles and winks.

"It's so good to see you kiddo." He says to her. Lexa turns her attention once more to the little girl who is shyly resting her head on Jake's shoulder, looking at Lexa with a small smile. Clarke moves to her and grabs her. She then bends down and makes the little girl sit on her thigh that's bent. 

"Lia, this is your mama. Lex, this is Lia. Lia Alexandria, your daughter." Clarke looks between the two. Lia nods and smiles up at Lexa. Lexa smiles down at her. Lexa looks over to Aden to silently ask him to remove his arm. He complies and Lexa slowly bends down to Lia's level. Lia looks at her wide eyed.

"It's really great to meet you. You are more beautiful than I ever imagined." She tells the little girl. The girl beams and nods.

"You are too." She tells her. Lexa hears her tiny but assertive voice for the first time and melts. She's known the girl less than thirty seconds and she already knows she'll be wrapped around her finger. 

"Is it okay if I hug you?" Lexa asks her. She nods adamantly. Lexa puts her arm out and she gets off of Clarke's leg and walks into her chest. Lexa wraps her arm snuggly around the little girl and squeezes just a little. As they pull away from each other, Lia places a kiss on Lexa's cheek which makes Clarke melt and Lexa give a big goofy grin. From there, Clarke helps Lexa stand and she gives Jake a hug. Her father approaches her from behind with her bag and cane and startles Lexa a little. He apologizes and just holds up the bag and cane and Lexa nods. Clarke mentions they should head to the hotel to rest for a little. Lexa nods and Aden takes his place once more by Lexa's side and Lia surprisingly asks for Lexa to hold her hand. Clarke begins to tell her that Lexa needs to use her cane but Lexa smiles and grabs her little girls hand as they begin walking. Clarke moves to Lia's other side and starts guiding them towards the vehicle. Lia begins telling Lexa all about herself as they walk and Lexa watches her, listening to every word the little girl has to say. Aden keeps his head on Lexa's shoulder, looking absolutely content. Clarke has to guess it's not comfortable for him considering he has to bed down cause he's taller now but he doesn't let it be known that he is uncomfortable. Clarke just feels absolutely whole as they walk as a family to the car. They finally get there and Clarke opens the back to set Lexa's backpack in. Lexa moves with Lia surprisingly to help buckle her in, Aden still attached to Lexa's side. Aden then asks if Lexa will sit in the middle with them and she nods. She gives Clarke a chaste kiss on the cheek as she moves to the other side to slide into the middle seat. 

Once everyone is buckled, Clarke starts the car. Lia launches into a story for Lexa about drawing and Lexa laughs heartily at her eagerness. She can't help it. She looks very much like Lexa, but acts so much like Clarke. Lexa can't help the grin that is permanently plastered on her face as she listens to her. Aden's head is resting once more on her shoulder and Lexa brings her hand up to stroke his hair. Lia is playing with the strap on her sling while telling her story. She feels eyes on her and she looks over to the rearview mirror to find Clarke looking at them. She smiles at her and winks as Clarke visibly melts. They make it back to the hotel with everyone and Lia doesn't stop talking at all. Gustus asks if he can hang out in the room with them for a little while and Clarke tells him of course. They grab Lexa's bag and make their way to the elevator to their floor. They all enter Clarke and Lexa's room and begin moving around the room. Lexa moves to sit on the bed with her back on the headboard. Clarke sits next to her and laces their fingers together. Lexa squeezes the hand, feeling warmth spread through her as she feels Clarke's wedding ring. Clarke leans her head on her shoulder and places a small kiss on it before returning to her position. Aden sits crossed leg at the foot of the bed with Lia climbing all over him. Gus sits at the edge of the bed and they all settle in a comfortable silence.

"Long time no see huh?" Lexa jokes. Clarke chuckles and Aden smiles as her father laughs. 

"Just a little bit." Clarke says. Lexa chuckles and nods. Lexa stares at Aden, still in disbelief on how big he is.

"You sure you're fourteen?" Lexa asks jokingly. He smiles.

"Almost fifteen." He says. Lexa narrows her eyes.

"More like twenty-five. I feel like I should be handing you a beer or taking you to a bar." Lexa smiles. He laughs and so does Gustus. Clarke rolls her eyes and shakes her head, a smile still on her lips though.

"It's the Wolverine hair." Clarke says. Lexa laughs loud at that, looking at Aden and realizing, yeah his hair does look like Wolverine's.

"Wolverine hair. I like that." Lexa says to him with a smile as he blushes.

"Mommy keeps trying to get him to cut it. Maybe you can convince him mama." Lia says. Lexa melts at her calling her mama for the first time. She smiles at her mini-me and nods. She turns her attention back to Aden.

"Does bribing you with candy still work?" Lexa asks with a quirked brow. 

"Yes it does!" Lia pipes up. Lexa laughs as Aden shoots her a playful glare. Her little girl is very spunky. 

"Lia, let Aden talk." Clarke chastises her. She looks sheepish and apologizes to him. He just smiles at her and turns his attention back to Lexa.

"Maybe if you take me to the fair at the end of summer." He gives her a wistful smile. Lexa feels the warmth in her chest. Actually feels herself getting a little emotional at his words and nods at him. 

"Of course i'll take you little man. It is our tradition." Lexa tells him, her voice cracking due to the dryness and former injury. He smiles and nods. 

"Little man? Aden's big though." Lia says confused. Lexa smiles and feels Clarke chuckling on her shoulder.

"I use to call him that when I was home-" She looks to Aden,"by the way just because you look twenty five doesn't mean i'm going to stop calling you that." She cocks an eyebrow. He gives her a boyish grin.

"It's my favorite name, honestly." He tells her. Lexa looks into his eyes and sees no hint of a lie. 

"How about we get some food? I'm sure your mama is hungry as well as your mommy since I didn't see her eat breakfast." Gustus pipes up after a moment. Lexa nods but feels hesitant for a moment. She knows they are all suppose to go out to dinner in the early evening to the hotel restaurant, but she isn't sure she wants to go out before hand. Clarke notices her tensing and recognizes it's about going out to get food. 

"We can just get room service. Eat in here since we're going out tonight." Clarke says. Lexa squeezes her hand in 'thanks' and moves to kiss her hair. Clarke moves her cheek so her lips can press onto Lexa's arm. Gustus nods and goes to find the menu. 

"So tell me what twenty-five year old Aden does these days." Lexa asks. Aden laughs and shakes his head at her relentlessness. He then tells her about how he's a receiver at Polis High School. Everyone chimes in that he's the best player and the first Freshman to ever play on varsity. Lexa feels nothing but proud, memories of them playing in their backyard flashes in her mind. He talks about the people he's still friends with, how he works with Gustus during the summer months. Lexa looks at her father pointedly and asks if he is paying him the correct amount which earns a laugh from Clarke and Aden. Aden covers for him and says yes but Lexa gives him a look and he begins looking sheepish. She then calls him a cheap bastard which makes everyone laugh. Lia then proudly yells something about a swear jar and Clarke explains to her that she has a potty mouth a lot in front of Lia and they enacted the swear jar to keep her in check. But now everyone is in on it. Lexa laughs but realizes she doesn't have any money and just tells her she'll get her a dollar when she gets home. Soon their room service arrives. Lexa made sure to get light things, her stomach still not use to the abundance of food and she didn't want to spend the evening sick in the bathroom. One thing she does take down is water. She's become obsessed with drinking water. Clarke notices how fast she drinks her water and is getting up to get another. She wonders how long she was dehydrated for, recognizing it as a sort of ritual rather than a necessity. She doesn't comment though, she just gives her a smile and continues to eat her sandwich. 

Once everyone is finished, Gustus gives Lexa a hug and says he wants to take a nap before dinner. Joking or really not joking, that he's emotionally drained. Lexa gives him a kiss on the cheek lets him know he'll see her later. From there, they all sort of stretch out on the bed, Lexa takes off the brace and her sling so she can get comfortable. Clarke asks if she wants her to massage her leg and Lexa smiles and nods gratefully. She talks with Lia and Aden more, getting to know them again. Sometimes she gets lost in her thoughts and misses what they say. She can't help but stare at Aden sometimes. He's so different yet so much of the same. He's quieter than he use to be. He's very gentle still though, with Lia and the way he speaks. He talks like he's an old man which sometimes Lexa has to hold back laughter. She finally reaches up her hand and brushes some of his hair away from his forehead.

"God I can't believe how grown up you are." She tells him in disbelief. He smiles and nods. 

"It happens." He simply says. Lexa nods and smiles. He then furrows his brow a little. 

"This might be a weird question, but why is your voice so different from what I use to remember? Is it just time?" Aden asks innocently. Clarke stops her movements on Lexa's leg and Lexa hesitates, not really knowing how to answer that. Obviously Clarke is aware of what happened to her voice if she so abruptly stopped her ministrations on her leg. He looks like he's embarrassed and about to backtrack but Lexa gives him a soft smile. 

"Yeah, it's different huh?" She asks rhetorically, she then moves the collar of her uniform down to expose her Suprasternal notch, where a jagged white scar lays. "I got hurt and it changed my voice a little. Made it a little more hoarse. That's why you'll hear it crack every now and then." She explains. His eyes widen a little and nods. Clarke stares at the scar, the words in the notebook she had read coming to mind. How she gurgled on her own blood. How they had to put her on her side so she wouldn't choke. Lexa puts the collar back up and looks over to Clarke who looks to be in a daze. She moves her hand to cover hers and she snaps out of it and gives Lexa a smile and returns to massaging her leg. Soon, Lia falls asleep, exhausted from her non-stop talking and excitement of the day. Clarke, Aden, and Lexa talk quietly amongst themselves. They bring her up to speed on the latest town gossip. Who got divorced. Who had an affair with who. Lexa just takes it all in and some of the stories she's told she absolutely can't believe.

Before they know it, it's time for them to head to dinner. Clarke wakes Lia as Lexa gets her brace on, opting to not where the sling so she can eat and use both arms. They all head down together, Lexa using her cane this time. Aden is still attached at her hip, clearly not ready to let go of her yet. They get downstairs and make it into the restaurant. The hostess instantly makes Lexa uncomfortable by thanking her for her service. Lexa realizes then she should have changed out of her uniform. As they walk to the big table in the back where everyone is already seated, more people thank her for her service. She just clenches her jaw and politely nods at them. Clarke rubs her back of the tension, feeling Lexa clamp up as every person they walk by thanks her. They take their seats and a waiter comes by and they order. Everyone launches into normal topics, Lexa can tell Raven wants to ask her questions, her eyes looking to Lexa's every now and then. Clarke shuts it down before she can do it with a glare. They're trying to ease her into everything, not bombard her. Raven has the sense to look sheepish and turns back to her food as Anya notices and smacks Raven's leg and quietly chastising her. Lexa stays quiet for most of the dinner, only really speaking up when someone asks her a mundane question. She quietly helps Lia with cutting her steak and once she's finished eating, she helps her color her kids menu. They wait for dessert and Clarke continues to rub light circles in-between Lexa's shoulder blades as the adults speak amongst themselves. Lexa keeps her hand on Clarke's thigh and traces a circle with her thumb then it happens.

A loud noise, sounding like a crash echoes through the restaurant. Lexa looks over to find the source and sees the Reaper. The one from her first attack. He's right there in the restaurant. Lexa looks around at the other patrons and they don't seem to notice him. Her heart starts pounding hard and it's all she can hear as he turns to look at her. His steely eyes staring at her, growing angry. His stomach is bleeding and he starts to walk over to her. He dissipates when she feels Clarke rubbing more rough circles on her back, trying to get her attention. Lexa looks over to Clarke wide eyed and distant.

"You okay?" Clarke whispers. Lexa shakes her head to get the image out of her mind and once she gathers herself she looks over to Clarke and gives her an easy smile. She nods and leans over to place a chaste kiss on her lips. Clarke isn't sure she's convinced but decides to not push it. She felt Lexa tense incredibly after she looked over somewhere. Her grip on her thigh grew in pressure as she just stared wide eyed at some empty spot in the restaurant. The rest of the meal goes without anymore incidents. It's quite late and they only leave when the owner of the restaurant tells them they need to close. Jake pays for everyone's meals and Lexa and the rest of her family move out of the restaurant. They all hug her and let her know they may catch them in the morning when checking out, but if not they'll come by to see her once she's settled. Lexa nods and says goodbye to everyone. They all go up to their respective rooms. Clarke lets Aden and Lia know it's time for bed and they'll see Lexa in the morning. Lexa decides to go into the kids' hotel room with them. Once they are all ready for bed she lays on the full size bed in the middle of her two children. She then starts telling them really terrible jokes, making both kids holler in laughter. Clarke watches from the doorway and feels so happy. She never thought she'd see this again. She wished for it more times than she can count, but she never imagined she'd get to see it once more. She doesn't want to get emotional and start crying in front of them so she moves back into the hotel room and listens to the distant laughter of Lexa and their kids as she continues to joke with them. She lets a couple of happy tears go down her cheek and quickly swipes them away. 

A little while later, she hears them calming down and settling into sleep. Finally, Lexa pops back in through the door and shuts it with a click. Clarke smiles at her as she lets out a dramatic sigh. 

"Kids these days, they'll laugh at anything." She jokes. Clarke chuckles and nods. Lexa moves to her backpack and pulls out a crewneck sweatshirt and some joggers. "I'm gonna shower before bed." She says. Clarke nods and watches Lexa enter the bathroom. That's something that is different. Lexa always use to just strip her clothes and walk into the bathroom, no matter where they were. Hotel room, at home, it didn't matter. Clarke knows her body must be riddled with scars and that it's skinnier than it use to be. She won't push her though, she knows Lexa needs to be comfortable on her own terms. Clarke decides to just shower in the morning and begins undressing herself and putting on a simple large shirt with just her underwear. She's actually pretty positive it's Lexa's old one that she claimed many years ago. She climbs into bed and turns on the TV to keep herself occupied. Soon Lexa emerges from the shower, hair wet and in too baggy of a sweatshirt and joggers. She hears her sigh and has her metal brace in her hand. She moves to set it on a chair in the room. Clarke watches her limp towards the bed. Lexa gets under the sheets and settles into the pillows. She sighs, feeling the comfort of the bed. She knows she probably won't sleep yet, she won't sleep until she's truly home. Clarke turns off the TV and moves on her side to face Lexa. Lexa gets on her side to face Clarke as well. 

Lexa reaches out and starts stroking Clarke's hair. It's a little shorter now, but still absolutely beautiful. 

"You're so beautiful." Lexa whispers to her. Clarke smiles and moves closer to Lexa. She closes her eyes briefly at Lexa's soft touch. She opens them and their eyes meet. Clarke wants to kiss her senseless, make love to her right then and there, but knows Lexa needs to initiate it. Lexa bites her lip and looks down at Clarke's lips. She then slowly moves forward and captures the thin pink lips. Clarke moans at the feeling, having not been kissed like this since Lexa was home. Lexa feels the buzzing as they continue open mouth kissing. She then makes the bold move that surprises herself as she runs her tongue on Clarke's lower lip. Clarke grants access and the two deepen the kiss even further, both moaning at the pleasure of feeling each other massaging their tongues together after so long. Lexa gets even bolder and begins to maneuver her body on top of Clarke's. She feels Clarke's silky smooth legs as she runs her hand up them. Clarke moans into her mouth and Lexa moves to Clarke's neck. Sucking and biting at her pulse point, then moving to her jaw. Lexa tenses when Clarke's hands move under her sweatshirt. She stops all her movements and Clarke does as well. 

"We should wait till we're home." Lexa whispers into her ear. Clarke nods and Lexa rolls off of her. They still face one another though and just start lazily kissing one another. At some point, Clarke shuts off the light and continues to kiss Lexa's lips. It tapers off after about thirty minutes and Lexa moves so her head is resting on Clarke's chest. Just wanting to be held for the first time in years. Clarke lovingly strokes and plays with her still damp hair. They both don't go to sleep at all. They occasionally whisper to one another in the darkness of the room. Lexa traces patterns on Clarke's stomach as Clarke continues to play with her hair. They talk about Clarke. How she's head nurse at the hospital now. She mentions she's using all her vacation time, which adds up to about 5 weeks, so they can settle into a routine. Lexa asks about the middle school and if there are new people there. Clarke reassures her that it's something they don't need to think about right now. Financially, they don't need a second income right now. Clarke confesses she missed Lexa so much and Lexa leans up to kiss her and echo the sentiment. Clarke cries a little bit, feeling the weight of the past, now 6 years, being lifted from her chest finally. Lexa kisses away all the tears for her. Tells her she's not going anywhere again. She quiets down and the two continue to just stay in each other's comfort that they've been missing for so long.

Lexa things maybe things are going to be just fine for them. All her doubts that she had been having before, have disappeared from her mind the longer she stays being held by the love of her life. Her kids sleeping soundly in the next room. Everything is going to be just fine now.

//

The sun rises and Lexa and Clarke get up and get dressed for the day. Lexa gets some jeans and a long sleeved shirt out that General Silas had given her money to go buy while in Germany. Clarke doesn't comment that it's hot today, and she'll probably toast wearing that. She just averts her eyes and lets Lexa know she's going downstairs to check out and for her to go wake their kids. She mentions it takes Lia a little longer, and Lexa laughs and points out it sounds like someone else she knows, giving Clarke a pointed look. Lexa makes her way into the dark room that her kids are sleeping soundly in. After turning on the light and trying to coax them up soothingly, they finally rise. Once both lay their eyes on Lexa, she's being attacked by hugs and kisses from both children. Lexa laughs heartily, never wanting to let the feeling she feels go. Pure love. Clarke watches once more the way their children have become obsessed with Lexa again. They all quit their antics and start packing their things up. Lexa gets her brace and sling back on. She decides to use her cane today, the activity of yesterday putting a strain on her leg after having been laid up in a hospital bed for so long.

They see Abby, Jake, and Gustus loading up their car to head home. They all each greet one another and Gustus lets them know he'll be by the house probably tomorrow. Clarke lets Lexa know she'll drive so she can get a little bit of sleep. Lexa sits in the front passenger seat this time and they listen to the radio for a little as they take off. Lia and Aden both fall back asleep pretty quickly and Lexa and Clarke comment on the random things they see passing by. Soon Lexa nods off a little. It feels like she's been asleep for hours when she sees one of her fellow soldiers being shot in the head. Lexa startles and Clarke looks over at her. Lexa rubs a hand over her face and looks towards the clock. Twenty minutes. That was it. She slumps back in the seat and keeps her eyes open.

Clarke glances over every now and then. She watches as Lexa falls asleep in twenty minute increments then startles awake. She puts a comforting hand on the thigh that has her brace. Lexa smiles at her reassuringly and makes the excuse that it's hard to fall asleep in a moving car. Before she knows it, they are back in the town of Polis. Lexa looks wide eyed looking through the window. Everything looks pretty much the same, a couple of new shops here and there but overall, it hasn't changed. They are soon driving down their neighborhood street. Clarke sighs in frustration when she sees the banner her neighbors obviously put up on their garage. She gets even more peeved when they stop and all of them come out of their houses and make their way over to their house.

"Oh my god! It's so good to see you honey!" Mrs. Johnson says as Lexa politely smiles and tries to get herself out of the car. More and more neighbors start surrounding them as Aden grabs their bags and Clarke helps. Lexa is being polite towards them, but is also starting to get overwhelmed by everyone being in front of her so fast. It's Mr. Rivers' comment that makes Lexa's polite smile drop.

"A real life ghost back from the dead!" He meant it as a joke, Lexa knows. But it makes her so uncomfortable. Aden, thankfully steps in and starts speaking.

"I'm sure my mom is just being polite, but she's had a long trip and we want alone time with her. If I remember correctly, we already said we'd do a BBQ down the road. So let's stop bombarding her, yeah?" Aden says to all of them pointedly. Clarke smiles gratefully at her son. They all nod and start apologizing and leaving one by one. Lexa walks by Aden and squeezes his shoulder in 'thanks' and makes her way towards the house. The outside looks the same. The shrubs are trimmed, the yard is mowed. Clarke opens the front door for her and Lexa steps in. Everything looks the same. She had forgotten what color the walls were in the entryway, but now that she sees it, she remembers. She walks around to each room. She sees the height markings by the doorway to the kitchen, where she use to mark Aden's height. It now has Lia's added onto it. The kitchen looks the exact same. Same stools she'd sit in eating breakfast with Aden and Clarke. She looks towards the back door and is a little surprised. She moves over to it and sees they now have a beautiful in-ground pool with a hot tub attached. It's beautiful stone and rock. There's a volleyball net set up in the yard portion. The patio is decorated beautifully and has fairy lights strung up. Clarke steps beside her.

"We got it done a couple years ago. It's the only change that's been made." Clarke comments. Lexa nods and smiles at her. "Let's get our stuff upstairs, then I can fix us something for dinner." Clarke tells her. Lexa nods and Clarke holds out her hand for Lexa to grab onto. Lexa sets her cane down and grabs Clarke's hand. Aden had grabbed their things by the doorway it looks like and already brought them upstairs. Clarke helps Lexa getting up the stairs. Lexa peeks into every room. The second guest bedroom is now Lia's room. Lexa sees all the dolls and random nick knacks laying around and smiles. She peeks into Aden's room and is a little taken aback. It use to be decorated a space theme. Now it has posters all over the walls of movies or scenery. He has a queen size bed now and a skateboard in the corner. She sees his shoulder pads for football and his helmet. She looks back over to the bed and sees it. The stuff raccoon she got him all those years ago. It's worn now, clearly having got some use out of it. She smiles to herself and then follows Clarke to their bedroom. Nothing has changed in their room. Same duvet. Same dressers. Same nightstands. It's all the same. Lexa dumps her bag onto the bed and begins sorting her things. Clarke helps her put away her things. Lexa takes note that none of her stuff has been moved from the drawers or the closet. 

Once they are finished putting their things away. They go back downstairs where Aden and Lia are playing Mario Kart in the living room. Clarke lets Lexa know she'll make a quick dinner for everyone. Lexa sits with Aden and Lia and watches them play. Aden beats Lia and she gets upset.

"Here, i'll beat him for you okay?" Lexa tries a compromise. She smiles and nods, handing her controller to her. "Go easy on me Ade, it's been a minute." She tells him. He laughs and shakes his head.

"I know your ploy. Trying to make me feel bad for you! You did it when I was younger too!" Aden yells at her. Lexa laughs mischievously, and they start the game. Lexa ends up beating him fair and square and soon the three of them are launched into a competition. Clarke just brings their dinner into the living room and watches them play. After awhile the tournament ends with Aden coming out on top. Lexa settles into the couch and sighs contentedly.

"This is nice, huh?" Lexa states. Everyone nods and smiles at her. She then looks over at Lia, "You know how to swim?" She asks. Lia nods and smiles.

"Pop-Pop taught me just like he taught you." She states proudly. Lexa raises her eyebrows. 

"Oh really? Did he just throw you into the deep end and say 'swim' too?" Lexa asks amusedly. She frowns and shakes her head. Clarke laughs, remembering Lexa telling her that story. Aden chuckles too, having heard the story many times from Gus and Clarke. 

"No he just taught me." Lia says, confused why everyone is laughing. Lexa nods and places a kiss on her cheek. 

"Well that's awesome, maybe we'll go swim together one of these days." She tells her. She nods and smiles. 

"Hey, we should play crazy eights before bed." Aden says. It's completely innocent but the mention of a card game sends Lexa into a very vivid flashback. She recalls one of Mengenala's more psychotic moments. It wasn't when he was beating on someone or killing them. No. It was when he was so delusional, he'd try to get the prisoners to be his friend after he beat them to oblivion. Lexa recalls one night after a brutal beating she had received from his belt once more, he dragged her out of the middle of the night and made her go to his sleeping quarters to play poker with him. He'd smile gently and tell her jokes. He'd smoke a cigar and ask Lexa if she wanted a puff. He'd ask her normal questions like 'who's her favorite singer' as Lexa's face continue to bleed from their interactions hours before. He'd laugh and it was like he absolutely believed they were old friends. Those were some of Lexa's most terrified moments, because she could see just beyond his eyes that if she made any wrong misstep, he'd snap. She can smell the cigar smoke. The lights are dimmed just like in his shack and she can hear his voice asking genuine questions and laughing. She can feel her face bleeding. She snaps herself out of it and grows angry.

"No! Absolutely not. Do not ever bring a deck of cards in this house again. I mean it." Lexa says sternly before she stands, trying to get away from the images. Clarke looks on confused and wide eyed as does Aden. Lia doesn't notice and continues talking. Clarke hears Lexa muttering to herself something about a 'psychotic bastard' as she stomps her way upstairs. Aden gives Clarke a worried look and Clarke gives him a gentle smile. 

"I'll be right back." She says. He nods hesitantly but turns his attention back to Lia who hasn't once faltered in her talking. Clarke makes her way upstairs, confused by the outburst and wondering if she's okay. She gets up to their bedroom, the door is wide open and Lexa is laying with her back on the bed, facing toward the ceiling. She makes her way over and sits on the edge. She starts brushing Lexa's hair as Lexa's eyes grow distant. Like she isn't there at all. They soon come back and she looks at Clarke like she just realized she's sitting next to her. She smiles and then frowns.

"I'm sorry about before. I'm just super exhausted, and the neighbors all flanking me got me a little worked up." Lexa tells her. Clarke nods and smiles.

"It's okay. As long as you're okay." Clarke tells her. Lexa nods.

"I'm okay, babe." She tells her. Clarke smiles at the term of endearment she hasn't heard in so long. She leans down and places a long kiss on Lexa's lips. She smoothes her hair once more then kisses her forehead.

"Go to sleep. Everything will still be here when you wake up." Clarke whispers. Lexa nods and begins to close her eyes. She feels Clarke stand from the bed and hears the click of the door. She opens her eyes and stares up at the ceiling once more. She doesn't know when she fell asleep. But she did and the minute she's in a dreamlike state, Mengenala is waiting for her in the shadows, holding the belt he often used on her. He's smiling menacingly, ready to strike her.

 

 


	27. Something Wicked This Way Comes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late post! I spent from like 4 am to the late evening at the Women's March on Washington. But without further ado, here is the next installment. There's kind of an intense scene of a PTSD flashback, which a lot of the chapters moving forward will have. 
> 
> As always your support and love for this story makes my heart so happy! Seriously, you are all so beautiful and amazing, thank you so much. The updates will be back to being frequent, just had to march with my fellow ladies :)
> 
> Another chapter might be posted tonight, so stay tuned for that!

Clarke sits in the kitchen, making sandwiches for Lia and Aden. They haven't gone back to school yet, Clarke having them pulled out for the rest of the week. Lexa's been asleep going on nearly 48 hours now. She never stirred when Clarke had got into bed next to her the night of their arrival back home. Stuck in the same position Clarke had left her in that night. She actually went and checked her pulse to make sure she was still breathing.

"When can we wake up mama?" Lia asks. Clarke sighs, having already had that conversation the day before. 

"She'll get up on her own time. She's had a long journey and is exhausted. Just be patient." Clarke tells her. Thankfully she nods and Clarke sets her sandwich in front of her as Aden plays on his phone. Clarke stretches out her back, feeling the effects of getting older each day. Part of her is with Lia. Ready for Lexa to return to the land of the living now, but the other part knows how exhausted she must be. How she needs to rest as much as she can. 

Lexa awakens with a start. Her entire body is covered in sweat. The long sleeve t-shirt she wore days ago drenched. She felt like she was trapped in an endless loop of everything that happened to her. The mission. The attack. The betrayal. The running. The capture. Mengenala. She always thought Quint and Artigas leaving her would be the main subject of her nightmares. But it's Mengenala that has the starring role. His torment on her psyche and body making her feel like he's right there in the room. Always lurking in the shadows, waiting for her guard to be let down. She sits up slowly and studies the room. It's light out now, she doesn't know how long she had been trapped in the never ending nightmare. She feels exhausted though. She stands shakily and makes her way into the bathroom. Lexa strips herself of her drenched clothes and makes her way into the shower, actively avoiding the mirror. She lets the heat hit her skin and lets it bring her back to the present. _Mengenala is gone. He can't hurt you anymore. You're home. You're with Clarke, Aden and Lia now. No one can hurt you._ After repeating the sentiments several times she feels somewhat better. She rubs herself down nearly raw. Sometimes still feeling the fleas on her skin. She finishes up and wraps herself quickly with a towel as she goes to the mirror. She combs her hair and starts to put a simple fishtail braid on the side. She leaves the confines of the bathroom and goes to the closet. She assumes Clarke must have just unpacked her things, there's no way her wife just kept her things laying around for six years. She would never want that for her. She picks a simple t-shirt that's too big for her and a cardigan that's too big for her. Her jeans are also too big for her but she just rolls them up. Some of her leg scars showing. They're definitely a lot smaller in diameter. Less noticeable. She looks at herself in the mirror and is satisfied for the moment and moves to put her brace on. She figures Clarke must have taken it off while she was asleep. She opts out on using her cane, thinking if she pushes her body enough, it'll cooperate.

She walks down the steps using the railing and hears chattering in the kitchen. She makes her way down and starts walking towards the noise. The sight in front of her brings a smile to her face. Just like before she left. Aden is sitting in a stool, eating a sandwich. Lia is on the opposite stool also eating a sandwich and Clarke is in front of them on the other side of the island. Clarke notices her and perks up. 

"Hey sleepy head." Clarke says to her. Lexa chuckles.

"Hey yourself. How long was I out?" Lexa asks. Lia jumps off of the stool and makes her way to Lexa. Lexa bends down and picks Lia up. Her shoulder and back are protesting it, but Lexa just ignores its pleas. Lia kisses her on the cheek as Lexa makes her way to sit in the stool with Lia on her lap. Clarke gives her a pointed look but Lexa ignores it. 

"Close to two days." Clarke states. Lexa nods, sounds about right.

"Do you want a bite mama? It's PB&J." Lia turns to ask her. Lexa answers her by opening her mouth up for a bite. She takes a chunk and chews slowly, a habit she's picked up. She always would chew the rice as slow as possible to try and savor it. Even though it was filled with bugs. Lia breaks her of her thoughts by tapping on her brace. "You're bionic woman!" Lia tells her brightly. Lexa laughs and kisses her head. 

"I guess so, pretty girl." Lexa says. She smiles at Lexa.

"Hey, mommy calls me that." She informs Lexa. Lexa had no idea Clarke called her that. She shares a warm smile with Clarke and turns her attention back to Lia.

"Well great minds think alike." She tells her. She nods and continues eating her sandwich. Lexa reaches her hand over and rubs Aden's long hair. He turns to her and gives her a grin. 

"What's up with you? All quiet over there. Pondering the worlds existence?" Lexa jokes with him. He shakes his head as Clarke chuckles. 

"No i'm just-" Lia cuts him off.

"He's texting Mia, his girlfriend." Lia announces. Lexa's eyes widen comically and she looks over to Aden who is blushing furiously. Jesus, he really is grown up. 

"Girlfriend huh?" Lexa asks. He nods sheepishly and turns to Clarke who is just watching the scene amusedly. 

"I was actually going to ask if she can come over after school is finished. Hang out for a bit." He asks Clarke. Clarke's face turns from amused to serious. 

"Probably not a good idea yet bud, it's just-" Clarke starts but Lexa cuts her off. 

"No it's cool! I want to meet her. Give her the good ole Woods Inquisition." Lexa smirks. Clarke rolls her eyes but smiles. "Your mom got that one time from Pop-Pop, it was great." Lexa shares. Aden laughs and stands from his stool. He kisses Lexa's cheek and says 'thanks' before grabbing Lia and the two go out in the back to swim. Lexa turns her attention to Clarke who starts cleaning up the island. Simple actions like what she is currently doing make Lexa's heart speed for no reason. Her veins pump with love and adoration watching her. Clarke feels eyes on her and she looks up into the green eyes she's been missing for years. They both share a smile and Lexa feels compelled to go over to her. She stands and limps her way towards Clarke and wraps her arms around her waist from behind. She kisses her cheek then briefly her neck. Clarke moves her head to the side so she can have more access. She wished for years that they'd be back in this position. Clarke hums as Lexa kisses her closer to her jaw.

"I missed you." Clarke whispers. Lexa nods on her neck and continues to kiss her skin.

"I missed you too." Lexa whispers near her ear, making Clarke shiver. Clarke turns around in Lexa's arms and attaches her lips to Lexa's. Both sigh together at the contact before melting into the kiss. Lexa slightly pushes Clarke back into the countertop as the kiss grows more hungry. They both part their lips and move their tongues into each other's mouths at the same time. They then hear splashing and laughing in the backyard and are brought back to reality. They're in the kitchen and their children are on the other side of the wall. They pull back and stare at one another for a moment. 

"Don't be too hard on Mia, she's a little mousey but she's good for him." Clarke smiles. Lexa rolls her eyes. 

"I'll be perfectly fine. I'll be on my best behavior." Lexa brings her pinky up and crosses her heart, making Clarke chuckle. Lexa starts rubbing her hands up and down Clarke's sides as she places a chaste kiss on her lips.

"You need to be wearing the sling and using the cane. And you shouldn't be picking up Lia." Clarke says after a minute. Lexa tenses at that. 

"I'm fine." Lexa says shortly. Clarke gives her a stern pointed look.

"You're not. You don't need to strain yourself or hurt your body even more just to pick her up." Clarke says and instantly regrets the way she worded it. Lexa clenches her jaw and moves away from Clarke. Clarke watches her jaw move from side to side and growing angry. "I'm sorry I didn't mean-" Clarke tries and Lexa shakes her head and cuts her off.

"Don't even try that. I missed the entire beginning of her life! I will pick her up if I want to pick her up! And I will not wear the sling or use the cane if I don't want to! It's my fucking body, not yours!" Lexa raises her voice. Clarke swallows but also begins to grow angry. 

"You're right, it is your body but it's hurt and not even closed to recovered! Probably never will be, so you need to get use to being responsible with it and following doctors orders. You can't afford to make it worse." Clarke says. Lexa starts shaking her head and moves over to the countertop. "What are you doing?" Clarke asks. Lexa finds the car keys and begins walking towards the door. 

"I'm going to Anya's." She says shortly. She hears Clarke call out to stop her but she ignores it and exits the house. The sun blinds her a little, but she makes it into the car and starts driving. She continues to clench her jaw and grows angry. Deep down she knows Clarke is right. She needs to take care of her body, but at the same time she's not going to sacrifice not being able to hold her daughter for it. She's already sacrificed enough, she's not going to keep doing it even when she's home. She's done. She makes it to Anya's block and parks the car in the driveway. She limps her way up the door and knocks. Anya opens nearly right away and looks wide eyed but smiles. Lexa smiles at her too and Anya gestures with her head for Lexa to enter. Lexa nods and she enters the home.

//

"So you guys definitely renovated this place." Lexa comments, looking around from her spot on the couch. Everything is modern and brand new. New paint, new light fixtures, new fireplace, new hardwood floors. It's kind of throwing her for a loop. Anya nods and takes a sip of her beer while Lexa gulps down water. 

"Yeah, your dad did it for a wedding present." Anya says. Lexa smiles and nods. Feeling a little pang at having missed it. "You want another glass?" Anya asks with a cocked eyebrow. It's the third glass she's had. Lexa looks at the empty contents and nods.

"Please." She says. Anya smiles and goes into the kitchen for a moment before making her way back with a full glass of water. "So what was it like? Your wedding I mean." Lexa asks. Anya shifts in her seat and sighs dreamily. 

"It was really great. Low-key and intimate. It was in the evening in July. We had it at that place in Virginia Beach. You know the one." Lexa frowns, she doesn't remember a place in Virginia Beach. She tries to conjure up an image but the darkened spots in her mind stay dark. She clenches her jaw, getting frustrated that she can't remember. Anya seems to notice her distressed state and gets up. She moves to a place under the coffee table. She grabs a scrapbook and moves to sit next to Lexa. "Here, we got all the pictures from it." She says as she flips open the book. Lexa feels her anxiety settling, hoping maybe the photos will help conjure an image up. She looks through the scrapbook with her and it does look beautiful. Where they got married looks to overlook the ocean. Clarke is next to Raven in a beautiful dress. Her hair is a little longer there, she still looks a little weary though. She then sees Aden, he's younger of course but still older. He's wearing a tux and holding a way little Lia in a cute dress. She stares at the photo and feels all the years she missed. She never got to hold Lia when she was that small. She never got to help Aden with the tux. She didn't get to see her best friend married. She didn't get to dance with Clarke. She bites her lip and Anya flips the page. It's just a photo of the brides and maid of honor table. Clarke is on Raven's side and Anya's side has an empty chair. There's then another photo of just the empty chair. Lexa frowns.

"Who sat there?" Lexa asks. Anya looks up and her eyes are a little glassy. 

"Uhm, it was you. It was for you. We kept the empty spot when we were actually getting married and then kept an empty chair at the table. We also had a moment of silence for you. There was no way I could have anyone else as my maid of honor. I didn't want to." Anya chokes on the last part of the sentence. Lexa looks wide eyed and returns to study the photos. She looks at the empty chair. She then flips the next page to find Clarke holding Aden on the dance floor. It looks to be a slow song and everyone in the background is dancing with their significant other. From anyone just looking, they'd think it's just a cute photo of a mother dancing with her son. But Lexa can see it in her face. She's incredibly sad. Sorrowful. Distraught. She can see it in the way she's gripping onto Aden like a lifeline. She can see it in the stone look on her face and the way her blue eyes are stormy. Glassy. Nearly crying, and not from happiness. Lexa stares for a long time at the photo. "You know she stayed alone the entire time. I mean I know that's a conversation you two need to have but she was alone. The day she found out you had died, a big part of her died as well." Anya says gently after a moment. Lexa clenches her jaw and closes her eyes. 

Lexa realizes then that as much as she missed out and was suffering, Clarke and her children were missing out and suffering too. They obviously would have wanted Lexa there. Standing by Anya's side while she says her vows. Helping Aden with his tux. Holding Lia while Clarke danced happily with their son. Herself dancing with Clarke. She missed all that but they were missing it too. They were suffering just as much as Lexa. Maybe in a different way, but they were suffering from the never knowing. It was all hard on them. Lexa swallows and feels guilty. Feels terrible for storming out on Clarke only a few days after getting home. Not taking the time to explain how she just feels she needs to make up for lost time. She didn't articulate herself enough and wouldn't let Clarke say her piece on the matter. Lexa leans back into the couch and shuts the scrapbook. 

"I wish I could drink right now." Lexa says after a moment. Anya chuckles and leans back with her. 

"Why can't you anyways?" Anya asks. 

"I'm on a lot of antibiotics. I got a really bad chest infection and lots of other things that require me to be on them for awhile." Lexa explains. Anya nods and takes a big gulp of her beer before grabbing Lexa's hand. 

"I want you to know, if you ever want to talk about it, or feel confused, you can come to me. You can always come to me. I'll drop whatever i'm doing." Anya tells her sincerely. Lexa gives her a soft smile and nods. She then takes a deep breath and moves forward. She's been at Anya's house for quite a few hours. She's surprised Raven isn't home yet. She plays with her brace for a moment then stands. 

"I'm gonna go home now. Thanks for hanging with me." Lexa tells Anya who is still sitting on the couch. Anya smiles brightly and nods. 

"Always." Anya tells her. Lexa nods and grabs the keys out of her pocket and makes her way to Anya's front door. Anya is right behind her and holds the door open for her. "Drive safely." She says. Lexa chuckles.

"It's like three blocks away." Lexa says. Anya rolls her eyes but doesn't say anything more. Lexa gives her a wave goodbye and enters the car. Anya continues to stand on her porch and Lexa turns on the headlights and begins to back down the driveway. She drives through the blocks, some of her neighbors see her and perk up, clearly wanting to come bombard the driving vehicle. She just puts her hand up for a wave and keeps driving. She makes it to the house and sees another car parked in front of the house by the sidewalk. Lexa totally forgot that she had told Aden his girlfriend could come. She assumes it's his girlfriend's car anyways. She then frowns, Aden isn't old enough to drive yet and she is? Does this girl even know he's not even fifteen yet? All her motherly instincts start running through her brain. How old is this girl? How did they meet? She turns off the car and takes a deep breath. She knows she needs to calm herself or she's truly going to give the poor girl the Woods Inquisition, plus she wants to apologize to Clarke. She can't do that with her mind occupied.

She gets out and makes her way up the porch. She hears Mr. Wilson across the street call her name and wave frantically, excited that Lexa acknowledged him. She waves back at him with a tight lipped smile, still uncomfortable being the center of attention and walks into the house. She can hear the chatter in the kitchen and smells the food being cooked. Lexa sets the keys on the table and moves towards the kitchen. She sees Aden, Lia, and some girl sitting on the stools. Clarke has her back turned and is cooking something in a pot. Aden notices her and lights up. 

"Where'd you go?" He asks. Then Lia, the other girl, and Clarke all turn towards her. Clarke's eyes linger for a moment then turn back to the stove. Lexa turns her attention back to her kids and smiles. 

"Just went to aunt Anya's for a bit. To catch up." Lexa says. He nods and then his eyes move in-between Lexa and the clearly scared and shy other girl. 

"Mama, this is Mia. Mia, this is my mom." He smiles. Mia gives Lexa a hesitant smile and Lexa can tell she's nervous as hell. Lexa chuckles and moves forward and extends her hand to the girl. She takes it and gives Lexa a firm handshake.

"It's really nice to meet you. Although I didn't even know you existed until a few hours ago. You might want to yell at this knuckle head for not mentioning you." Lexa looks over at Aden pointedly. Mia gives out a nervous chuckle as Aden holds his hands up in defense. 

"You were asleep the past couple days! When was I suppose to mention it?" Aden says. Lexa smiles and shakes her head as she pretends to think about it.

"Hmmm, maybe when I asked about school. When I asked about any new gossip. When I asked-" Aden cuts her off.

"Yeah yeah okay, I may have withheld the information. But you know now so." Aden trails off. Lexa nods.

"It's really great to meet you too. Aden's always talked so highly of you, thank you for your service by the way." She says innocently. Lexa stiffens and her smile drops a little as Aden looks over at Mia to give her a look. She then starts to open her mouth to backtrack but Lexa just plasters on the fake smile and nods. 

"No problem." She says curtly. Mia looks wide eyed and Aden looks a little nervous as Clarke finally turns back to eye all them. Lexa sighs and shakes her head, clearing her thoughts. "Why don't you guys take Lia into the living room for a bit." Lexa tells them. Aden nods and grabs Lia's hand, Mia following them. Clarke and Lexa are now alone, the silence between them deafening. Lexa swallows and makes her way over to her. She stands next to her as Clarke continues to stir a pot. 

"I'm sorry for leaving. For not articulating what I wanted to say. I just, you saying that...I already feel like I missed out on everything so being able to pick up Lia may seem small to you, since you've been here. For me it's everything. I get that i'm not healthy yet, but I won't not pick her up if she asks." Lexa tells her. Clarke nods and sets the wooden spoon on the countertop and turns to Lexa.

"I'm sorry for saying that. You're right, I forget that simple things like that mean more. But I also don't want you hurting yourself even more. I just got you back, and I don't want you having to be sent to the hospital because you threw your back out and need surgery. I just want you here with me for a long while." Clarke tells her. Lexa nods. Clarke then moves to wrap her arms around Lexa's waist. "You also need to tell me what's going on in your head. I want to be there for you, you can tell me anything, I promise." Clarke whispers. Lexa swallows, not even close to wanting to tell her certain things. Lexa looks beyond Clarke at the pot. 

"Mia's here, and your dinner is burning." She says shortly. Clarke frowns and Lexa moves away from her to go into the living room. Clarke feels like she just got whiplash, one moment Lexa is completely opening up to her about what she's feeling. The next she's brushing her off. End of discussion. Clarke sighs and goes back to making the dinner. They soon all set the table and Clarke dishes out the food. Lexa launches Mia into a series of questions which makes the poor girl super nervous, stumbling over her words. It's not nearly as bad as when Gustus had questioned Clarke so many years ago, but bad enough. Aden blushes many times and Mia stammers. Lia giggles at the clear nervousness Lexa is making them. Soon the questioning dies down as they continue to eat. 

"Alright I like you. You can stay." Lexa says simply. Clarke chuckles and Lia cheers. Aden laughs too and Mia still looks nervous as all hell. They continue eating and Lexa settles for a moment, she gets comfortable and forgets where she is, she thinks she's back in the camp. "You know seeing John go that way was...sickening. It made me want to gouge that psychos own eyes out. Press my thumbs into them and just apply pressure. I'm telling you Coop, if I got the opportunity, i'd do it." Lexa says, as she stares at her food. Clarke drops her fork and Aden looks wide eyed and Mia looks between Aden and his moms, equally as shocked. Lia scrunches her eyebrows in confusion.

"Mama who's Coop?" She asks. Lexa shakes herself out of whatever just happened from Lia's voice. She looks around the table and everyone is staring at her. She realizes she's not with Cooper, and she's not back in the camp. John didn't just get killed by Mengenala going into a rage and gouging his eyes. That was three years ago. Lexa falters and then turns to Lia, remembering her question. 

"Oh uh, um. He's a friend of mine. I was with him all those years, you'll probably meet him at some point." She smiles at Lia, hoping it'll dissipate the tension in the room. Lia smiles then frowns once more.

"What does gouging mean?" She asks.

"Lia." Clarke says sternly. Lexa swallows realizing what she has done.

"Uh, it's not something you need to worry about. Just don't repeat it to anyone alright?" Lexa tells her. She smiles and nods and goes back to eating like nothing happened. Lexa turns to stare at her food, feeling awkward and exposed. Clarke eats slowly and watches Lexa. She doesn't know what just happened. One second she's talking to Mia, the next she's thinking she's talking to someone else and describing a very violent act. She's worried. This isn't like her at all. But then Lexa looks up and smiles at Clarke. A gentle warm smile and she's confused. Absolutely confused on her actions. What's happening? 

Dinner finishes without another incident and Mia stays for a little bit after but then leaves. She heard Aden talking to her on the porch before she left. Asking her not to mention to anyone what she heard at dinner. She promises him and says it's okay. That it's not that worrisome, his mother has only been back for three days, she's bound to think she might still be over there from time to time in the coming days. It seems to comfort her son and frankly, it somewhat comforts her. She's right, she's only been back a few days. She was in that POW camp for five years. She's bound to think she's still there. Still talking with her military buddies. She's heard about military people coming home and talking like they did over there. Cussing up a storm in front of children cause they forget. That's probably what happened at dinner. After lounging for a bit, Clarke tells Lia it's time for bed. She grabs Lexa's hand and asks if she'll help put her to bed. Lexa smiles and nods. Lia drags her upstairs and Aden follows them. Clarke sits for a moment in her thoughts. There's so much whiplash going on. 

She heads upstairs after a moment and hears talking and giggling coming from Lia's room. She goes to the doorway and sees Lexa laying with both Lia and Aden. She's reading and trying to do the voices for each character. Her voice is scratchy and hoarse now. But overall, Clarke would think if she didn't know better that Lexa's been there the entire time. The way she clings to Lexa's shirt and her eyelids grow heavy. It's so reminiscent of when she'd lay with Aden at that age and beyond. Clarke decides to let her bond with them by herself and makes her way into their bedroom to get ready for bed. She does the normal routine and settles under the sheets. She picks up a book and decides to read for a little until Lexa made her way back into the bedroom. 

Lexa finishes up reading and Lia is asleep. She looks over at Aden who also looks sleepy. She chuckles and closes the book, making him perk. She smiles and gestures for him to head to bed. He nods and gets up from the bed, walks over to Lexa's side and gives her a hug and a kiss on the cheek before bidding her a goodnight. Lexa stands and tucks Lia in and kisses her goodnight. She sees a nightlight and assumes that she uses it still. She turns it on and flicks off the overhead light as she walks out of the room. She looks down the stairs for a moment and then goes towards her bedroom. She opens the door and pokes her head in and sees Clarke sitting up in bed, reading. 

"Did you turn off the lights and lock the door?" She asks. Clarke shakes her head. Lexa goes back downstairs and flips the lights off and locks the door before making her way back upstairs. She goes into their bedroom and starts rummaging through for some sweats and a t-shirt this time. She decides she'll take baby steps. She'll wear a t-shirt some days, and maybe shorts with a long sleeve shirt another. Not both yet though, not until she's ready. She goes into the bathroom and changes. She brushes her teeth and washes her face then makes her way out of the bathroom. She pads her way over to the bed and gets under the sheets. She stares up at the ceiling and starts feeling the sense of doom approach. She can feel Mengenala ready to drag her into a nightmare once more. The belt hanging loosely at his side. She's out of her thoughts when Clarke turns off the nightstand light and starts to settle back into the pillows. She then gestures for Lexa to lay her head on her. Lexa does as told and rests her head on Clarke's chest. Clarke starts caressing her hair, gently kissing the crown of it every now and then. 

"What are you thinking about?" Clarke asks. She saw the distant look in Lexa's eyes when she got into bed. She's clearly thinking of something. 

"I'm thinking-i'm thinking I need some sleep." Lexa says into the dark. Clarke continues to stroke her hair and then she kisses the crown once more. Lexa looks up and gives Clarke a kiss goodnight before rolling over onto her side, feeling anxiety and jumpy the longer she's in the position she was in with Clarke. She then feels Clarke start to spoon her. Clarke's arm is snugly thrown around her midsection. She feels Clarke press a kiss to her back. She wonders if Clarke knows where she just kissed there's a massive scar from a knife. More scars on the same wound from the belt or carrying a bag of coal. She stares at the wall and continues to stare, willing herself not to fall asleep. Soon, Clarke is releasing her in her sleep and rolling over. Lexa turns over onto her back. She looks briefly at the clock and realizes two hours have already passed. She turns her attention back to the ceiling. 

She's back in that tiny shed. Feeling battered and sick. She can smell the stench of human waste. She hears Mengenala screaming and it coming closer and closer to where she lay on the wooden maggot ridden floor. Soon the door flies open and the belt is coming down on her. Hit after hit. On her head, her back, her ribs, her legs. It's everywhere. She can feel the blood splattering everywhere as he continues his tirade. She feels it all and then he stops and spits on her. Closing the door and locking it. Lexa closes her eyes and she opens them and is back in the woods. Quint grabs her ankles and she feels the immeasurable amount of pain shoot up into her leg. She feels the cold hard ground and feels her cuts on her back being dragged across the forest floor. Before she knows it, she's in the shallow grave once more as dirt is being thrown on her and she can't move. She can't scream. She can't do anything. She's paralyzed with pain and fear. She closes her eyes, trying to get away from the image but when she opens she's walking. She's walking towards the woods and sees the Reaper soldier who helped her. Stripped and exposed. Hanging from the tree like he's a Christmas decoration. The sign hanging. She tries once more to get the image away, closing her eyes but when she opens, the Reaper is on top of her. Trying to force the knife into her chest. She feels the lightheadedness. The stab wounds pouring with blood. Gurgling on her own as she tries with all her might to keep the knife from driving into her heart. She then hears the faint 'em pleni' from the corner of her bedroom. She's back in her bedroom now, the Reaper no longer on top of her. She falls off the bed though when she hears the distinct voice of the Reaper harshly whispering right into her ear 'em pleni!' Her chest heaves. She heard it clear as day. She looks around the room for him but there's nothing. It's just darkness and her bed and dressers. She sits up a little and wipes the sweat from her forehead. She then makes herself shakily stand and looks towards the bed. Clarke is still turned over sound asleep.

She looks around the darkened room once more, still feeling like she's being watched. Once her heart settles she decides she's not going to lay down anymore. She looks towards the bed again, and a big sweat stain is there from where her body had laid. She sighs and rubs a hand over her face. She decides she doesn't want to wake Clarke and walks quietly out of the room. She foregoes wearing her brace, deciding that she's just going to sit on the couch for the rest of the night. She walks down the stairs as quiet as possible and moves into the living room. She looks for the remote and flips on the television. She grabs the blanket from the back of the couch and spreads it over herself before she settles back. She flips through the menu, looking for something to watch. She sees a weird title on a movie channel and changes to it. It had just started so she decides to watch it. It was made after she was in the camp for two years. She gets immersed into it and soon it ends. The next film was also made while she was in the camp. She watches, letting those images occupy her mind. The images before in her bedroom slowly dissipate. Before she knows it, there's early morning light streaming through the living room window and a sleepy Clarke in a robe is squinting looking at Lexa.

"Why are you up?" Clarke asks in a sleep riddled voice. Lexa moves her eyes back to the film she's watching and shrugs. 

"Restless I guess." Lexa states. Clarke goes into the kitchen and she can hear Clarke making herself coffee. She comes back in and tries to hand a mug to Lexa. Lexa shakes her head. "They told me not to drink coffee yet. The acidity I guess won't be good for my small stomach. Maybe in a few more weeks." Lexa explains. Clarke nods and sets the mug down on the coffee table. She sits down next to Lexa and rests her head on her shoulder. Lexa takes the blanket and puts it over both of them. Clarke grabs her hand to lace their fingers underneath the blanket as she sips her mug with her free hand. After a few more sips she puts the mug down and settles back into Lexa's side. Clarke starts playing with her fingers as she watches the screen. Now that she's more awake, she can take in Lexa's appearance. She has bags under her eyes and her eyes are red and bloodshot.

"Did you sleep at all?" Clarke asks gently. Lexa shakes her head. Clarke sighs. "Maybe we should go to the doctors, get a prescription to help you sleep." Clarke suggests. Lexa shakes her head once more.

"No it's okay. I'm still jet lagged and sleeping for two days didn't help. I'll get on a normal schedule, don't worry." Lexa says, taking her eyes off the screen and placing a kiss on Clarke's head. Clarke can't help the unsettled feeling in her stomach. That she might not get on a regular schedule, that something bigger is going on that she's trying to hide. But then Lexa wraps an arm around Clarke's shoulders and brings her closer. Laying lazy kisses on the crown of her head. Whispering that she loves her, making Clarke melt and forget that an insidious being may be plaguing Lexa's mind.


	28. The End Of The Affair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fresh off the presses, here's a new chapter! There's a PTSD outburst that happens at the end. The entirety of this is in Clarke's POV. I'm not going to drag this distance between the two and the non-talking about Lexa's issues out. Next chapter will have the confrontation that Lexa needs. I just feel like too many fics drag the whole 'non-communication' thing out for like 15 chapters and it's totally unnecessary. Especially cause this fic is already angsty enough and we're getting closer to the end of it. Anyways, i'll get off my soapbox now lol.
> 
> Thanks for the love and support once more!

Summer has officially arrived and Clarke's vacation days are running out. Lexa's been back for nearly a month now and if Clarke didn't know any better, she'd think she's adjusted just fine. But she knows better. She knows what's going on behind closed doors because she has now been a witness to it. She keeps it closed tight so their kids don't know, but Clarke knows. She knows there are things that are haunting Lexa every night. That Lexa hasn't had a good nights sleep since she's came back, possibly since she left home all those years ago. Clarke knows Lexa isn't sleeping well because Clarke is up and witnessing why she isn't sleeping well. It started simply, really. She woke up in the middle of the night to find Lexa pacing. Not exactly pacing actually, but bending at an awkward angle with her arms around her back, almost like she was carrying something heavy on her back. She'd just go from one side of the room, to the other. She had called out to her and Lexa didn't acknowledge her at all. Like she was in a trance. Then she just silently stopped and went back into bed. When Clarke tried to ask her about it, she claimed she didn't know what Clarke was talking about. That was at the beginning.

Then it escalated to Lexa waking and standing from the bed. She'd stand at the foot of the bed, stick straight, head up. She'd then recite the Weather National Anthem. Clarke once again would try to get her to acknowledge her, but received nothing. Just her repeating it over and over again until she went back to sleep. That's when Clarke realized she was sleep walking. No recollection of having done it the morning after. She's also found whenever they get up in the morning, Lexa always bolts into the bathroom to shower. Clarke has found many times her side of the bed drenched in sweat. So much so she can see the outline of where she had been laying. There was one incident that had terrified Clarke. It had happened a few days before and she was lucky she was able to wake her up. Clarke, of course, had become a light sleeper since Lexa's constant getting up started. She had awoken around 3 am and noticed Lexa wasn't in the bedroom at all. She got up quickly when she noticed their door wide open. She peeked into both Aden and Lia's room's but found only her sleeping children. She then went downstairs and all the lights were still off. She then noticed the backdoor was wide open. She quickly got shoes on and went out into their backyard. There towards the back fence was Lexa crouched onto her knees, and she looked to be digging. Clarke went out into the yard. 

"What are you doing?" Clarke had asked her confused. Lexa didn't acknowledge her and just continued to dig a hole with her hands. After a moment, she responded, although it sounded like more to herself than to Clarke.

"It has to be ten feet by ten feet so it can fit the bodies." Lexa said. A chill went down Clarke's spine as she stared at Lexa wide eyed. Clarke felt her heart pounding and went over to her to wake her up.

"Lexa wake up, you're asleep. Please wake up." She had said as she approached. When Clarke touched her arm Lexa cowered. She quickly moved away from where she had been digging and flinched at Clarke. 

"Please stop. Please! Please! Don't hit me again, I can't take it. Please!" She started pleading. Clarke just stared at her confused and shook her head. She didn't know what was going on, but hearing Lexa's broken voice hurt her so much. 

"I'm not gonna hurt you, baby. You're fine." Clarke tried to soothe, but Lexa dismissed her, clearly had thought she wasn't Clarke but someone else. She was still asleep, although she had been looking right at Clarke. 

"If you're gonna do it just kill me! Please just kill me! I can't take it anymore, I can't do it anymore! Kill me please!" Lexa called out in agony. Clarke felt her heart clench and bent down to the ground to try and wake her up as Lexa cried out. She wrapped her arms around her and tried to hold her steady as she continued to ask her to wake up. The crying had stopped abruptly and Lexa stood up quickly, wide eyed. Clarke looked up from where she was still sitting and Lexa was looking around frantic. "What's going on? Why are we outside? What happened?" She had asked. Clarke had no idea how to answer her, absolutely stunned by everything that had just happened prior. Lexa looked so terrified that all Clarke could say was that she was sleep walking again. She didn't want to scare her even more. But she knew she needed Lexa to talk with her, to get her some form of help. 

It wasn't just at night anymore either. When she'd go by herself to the grocery store, she'd buy in bulk. Anything in bulk. She'd spend an absurd amount of money on random items like marshmallows or peas. She'd come home with their entire backend of their SUV filled to the roof with items. Clarke decided then she's not letting her go to the grocery store by herself anymore. She recognizes it as a coping mechanism from being starved. She also believes the constant showering she does is from not being able to shower in the camps, also a coping mechanism. Talking about it with her has proven futile. Anytime she tries to get her to open up, just a little bit, Lexa shuts down. She tells her it's done and over and she just wants to be with her family. She doesn't want to think about it. Clarke can't help but be sympathetic to her plight and she has a hard time pushing her on the subject of talking to someone. 

Clarke has to be back to work in two days and she's terrified of leaving Lexa alone. She doesn't think she's a danger to their kids or to herself, she has just been a witness to the agony Lexa's mind is in and hates leaving her. On one of the bright sides, two of Lexa's POW friends are making their way down to Arkadia. They had called Lexa and asked if they could all meet up and get together. Clarke thinks this may be a good opportunity for her. She hasn't been interacting with the town much. She only really speaks to people if they are invited into their home, and even then that's rare. She hasn't even been back over to Anya's since the day they had that fight. She had just been going to the grocery store and that's it. She thinks her being around people she had been with for the past five years in a public setting should help with her anxieties.

So they planned a trip to Arkadia. They would meet the other two POW's and their significant others in the evening at a restaurant and bar and they planned on staying in a hotel room over night. 

"Okay Ade, Lia can stay up for an hour later but that's it, I mean it." Clarke says as she looks around for her purse. She watches Lexa from the corner of her eye smile at Lia and scrunch up her nose and shake her head. "I saw that." Clarke says and Lexa looks sheepish at Clarke. She finally spots her purse and turns back to where Lexa is leaning on her cane and Aden and Lia are standing next to her. "Did you put the bags in the car?" Clarke asks Lexa. Lexa nods. 

"We're good to go." Lexa tells her. Clarke nods and then walks over to both Lia and Aden. She bends down to hug Lia and then kisses Aden cheek and ruffles his hair. 

"Seriously be good, and Mia isn't allowed over while we're gone." Clarke says pointedly. Aden looks to Lexa with puppy dog eyes.

"Nope. Not helping with that one. We don't need you getting anyone pregnant." Lexa tells him. He frowns. 

"Jesus. You two are annoying." Aden says. Lexa looks at Clarke and they both chuckle. Lexa then moves to Lia and kisses her and hugs her.

"I'll miss you!" She exclaims as she attacks Lia with kisses. The little girl squeals trying to get away from Lexa. Clarke watches and it just looks so normal. Everything about Lexa just can seem so normal sometimes. Soon, Lexa makes her way over to Aden and hugs him tight before placing a kiss on his cheek. Then, they are walking out the door. Clarke gets into the drivers seat as Lexa enters the passenger seat. They begin driving out of Polis and Clarke can tell Lexa's nervous. She keeps wringing her hands and her eyes grow distant every now and then. Clarke finally reaches her hand across the console and sets them on top of Lexa's in her lap. Lexa looks over to Clarke and Clarke smiles. 

"If at any point you want to leave, we'll leave." Clarke reassures her. Lexa smiles and nods before bringing up Clarke's hand to her lips and placing a chaste kiss. She returns Clarke's hand to her lap and continues to hold it, squeezing it every now and then. The ride for the most part is quiet. Lexa will occasionally comment on something they drive by. Clarke decides to ask Lexa some simple questions about the guy Cooper and the other guy Bogie they were planning on meeting. "So what are Cooper and Bogie like?" Clarke asks. Lexa looks over and smiles wide. 

"Oh they are awesome. Coop looks like an older version of Aden, it's pretty scary sometimes." Lexa chuckles and Clarke smiles at the noise, "Bogie is very level headed but super funny. I don't know much about their spouses but I think it'll be a fun night. I miss them a lot." Lexa admits. Clarke nods and squeezes her hand. It goes back into silence until they are arriving in Arkadia and parking in the hotel parking lot. Clarke gets out to check in while Lexa waits in the car for the go ahead. Clarke checks into their suite, she figures getting a suite would help Lexa feel a little less claustrophobic in a small room. Plus they had hours before they needed to meet her military friends and Clarke knows Lexa won't want to go out for the day. She makes her way back to the vehicle and lightly taps on the window. Lexa looks over and smiles and gives Clarke a thumbs up as she opens the door. She grabs her cane and exits the vehicle while grabbing her backpack from the backseat. She puts it over the non-slingged shoulder and the two start walking inside the hotel to the elevator.

The suite is gorgeous. It opens up into a living room area where a couch and chair lays. Then the bedroom is separated with beautiful glass french doors with tied curtains. Lexa looks around in awe. 

"Well you definitely went all out." Lexa smirks at Clarke. Clarke chuckles and nods. 

"Well I mean, it's probably going to be awhile that we'll be alone once I go back to work." Clarke says as she starts heading for the bedroom. She sets her bag down on the bed and sees the bathroom is attached with the bedroom. Lexa makes her way into the bedroom as well and sets her backpack on the bed. Clarke sits on the bed and feels the very expensive comforter and bed. When she looks up, she's a little shocked.

Lexa is stripping out of her clothes, no hesitation whatsoever. She peels off her shirt and bra and then begins unbuttoning her jeans. Clarke can see all her scars, some larger than other's. Her back is riddled with them. She remembers the notebook saying she had been stabbed in the back several times. She can tell there are other ones though, not related to the attack. She also knows Lexa must have been beaten a lot in the camp, especially after the other night when she had been sleepwalking. Clarke continues to watch as she strips completely bare. She then turns to Clarke and gives her a small smile.

"I'm gonna shower real quick." She says simply. Clarke smiles at her and nods. Lexa then pads her way into the bathroom with her toiletries and shuts the door. Clarke leans her body back on the headboard and starts analyzing what she just witnessed. That was a massive step for her. The two haven't seen each other naked since she's come home. They hadn't made love or anything and Lexa has been slowly but surely wearing more appropriate clothing for the summer. She's making progress. Clarke begins to doubt all her previous thoughts about Lexa needing help. She's only been home for a month. She had been held captive in a POW camp for five years. Overall she should be more of a mess than she is. She doesn't breakdown or have meltdowns ever. She's sleepwalking and doing weird tasks. She's not violent at all. She's actually incredibly gentle. She zones out every now and then and is distant when Clarke tries to talk about what Lexa went through, but other than that she's well adjusted. Everything Clarke had thought prior to Lexa stripping in front of her is going out the window. She is making strides. 

Clarke takes out her phone to send a quick text to Aden to let him know they were at the hotel. As soon as Aden replies she hears the shower shut off. About a minute later Lexa is coming out with just a towel wrapped around her and she's drying her hair with another towel. She's still skinny, but she looks a lot better. Her mother had decided to help Clarke make a nutrition schedule for Lexa to get her muscle mass and body fat back up. So far it's been working. Lexa pads over to her bag and starts looking for clothes she packed. Clarke can't help but stare at the scars on her back. It makes her so angry that a person, or persons, would do something like that to another human being. Hurt her Lexa like that. No regard whatsoever. She gets in war it's fight or flight instincts, but at some point your humanity has to kick in. The things she sees on Lexa's back is just savage. Clarke doesn't even realize she's frowning or has a couple of stray tears coming down her cheeks when Lexa walks over to bed and puts her hand on Clarke's cheek. 

"What's wrong?" Lexa asks worriedly. Clarke clenches her jaw. She then reaches up and traces the jagged scar on Lexa's trachea. Lexa doesn't flinch. 

"I want to kill whoever did all this to you. I hate them so much." Clarke chokes out. Lexa softens and sits down on the bed. She just has her t-shirt on and panties now. She takes Clarke's hand from her neck and starts to hold it. 

"They're gone. It's over now. I don't want you to feel anger. I just-I want to live right here and right now. We've missed so much of each other because of the past. But it's done now, okay? I just want to love you here and now." Lexa tells her sincerely, never breaking contact from Clarke's eyes. Clarke nods but before she can say anything, Lexa leans forward and captures Clarke's lips. Clarke moans at the contact. It's been since the last time she was with Lexa since she's been intimate with anyone. And now Lexa is sitting half-naked on the bed and kissing Clarke with nothing but passion. She's only human after all. 

Clarke knows she can't take the initiative in this moment. Everything has to be all Lexa. She can't overpower her or let her arousal take control. Lexa grabs ahold of Clarke's hips and starts moving her down the bed so her head hits the pillows. She then gets fully on top of Clarke, without ever breaking contact with her lips. Their tongues begin to massage together as Lexa's hand moves up and under Clarke's shirt. Clarke moans into Lexa's mouth at the touch. Lexa soon breaks their kiss and Clarke half thinks she's going to pull away, but then she starts removing the shirt she just put on and her bra. Clarke begins to breathe heavily as she looks at Lexa's chest. She wants to reach out but she knows she needs to wait for permission. Lexa grabs Clarke's hands and brings them to her chest, granting her the permission. Clarke shudders, feeling Lexa under her fingertips this intimately again. Lexa moans as Clarke massages her breasts expertly. 

Clarke stops her movements and sits up a little to take off her shirt and bra as well. When she lays back down, Lexa's eyes are on her chest, nothing but hunger in them. She reaches out and begins caressing them and Clarke moans loudly. She knows there's no way she's going to last long with Lexa. It's been years since she's had this sort of contact. Lexa then moves her head down and starts sucking love bites all over Clarke's chest as Clarke shivers and moans. Lexa moves her way down to the waistband of her shorts and kisses her hip bones. She then unbuttons Clarke's shorts and sits up to remove them. Clarke knows for certain there's a noticeable wet spot on her underwear and she couldn't care less. Lexa starts to slow down once she gets Clarke only in her underwear like Lexa is. She slowly cups Clarke and Clarke moans loudly at the pressure. Lexa brings her mouth over the underwear and Clarke bucks her hips at the pressure. Only one layer separating Lexa's mouth from making contact with her. She feels Lexa's fingers hook underneath the fabric of her underwear to pull them off. Clarke complies by lifting her hips slightly off the bed. Lexa throws them away on the other side of the room. She then stands from the bed and removes her own underwear. She gets back on Clarke and the two resume kissing one another passionately. 

Their tongues swirl together and massage one another, tasting the other as both their hands roam over the expanse of skin before them. Clarke feels Lexa inching closer to where she needs her. Lexa grazes her thumb in a circle over the bundle of nerves. Clarke lets out a low moan and Lexa adds more pressure. She then feels her other fingers running through her slick folds and breathes deeply with another moan. Clarke then moves her own hand to Lexa's slick sex. Doing the same movements that Lexa is doing. Lexa moans and begins to buck her hips slightly, above Clarke. She then feels Lexa enter her and she can't help the louder moan that escapes her lips. Clarke stops her movements on Lexa for a moment as Lexa starts a slow pace of entering in and out of her. She returns and enters Lexa as well, which causes Lexa to falter in her pace and moan. 

The two continue moving in and out of each other for a few moments until they're both cumming incredibly fast. Years of sexual frustration coming to the forefront. Once they both come down from the high, Lexa bends down and kisses Clarke lovingly. 

"I love you so much." Lexa whispers against her lips. Clarke kisses her once more before barely pulling back.

"I love you too. So much." She replies. The two start kissing once more and work themselves up for a second round.

//

Clarke and Lexa lay completely spent and naked cuddled up into each other. Lexa is holding Clarke this time and stroking her spine. Any doubt Clarke had been having is completely gone. The amount of times they made love was unfathomable. Making up for years missing each other. 

"Can I ask you a question?" Lexa asks into the silent room. Clarke hums her consent. "Were you ever...I mean-did you ever have a night with someone else?" Lexa asks hesitantly. Clarke moves her head to look at Lexa in the eyes. She shakes her head, never breaking eye contact.

"No. The last time I ever had sex, was with you." Clarke tells her confidently. Lexa searches her eyes. 

"You know, it would have been okay. I would have never held it against you if you did. You thought I was gone." Lexa tells her. Clarke shakes her head.

"But I didn't and i'm glad for that. I don't think i've ever told you this, but I always had this doubt in the back of my mind. I was just thought-I thought you were lost." Clarke confesses. Lexa brings her hand up to move some of Clarke's sticky sweaty hair from her forehead. Lexa sighs. 

"I wish I had been lost." She whispers. Clarke searches her eyes and sees them grow distant for a moment. Then Lexa shakes herself out of it and looks over to the nightstand at the clock. Her eyes widen. "Shit, we're gonna be late if we don't get up now." Lexa looks back to Clarke. Whatever momentary memory she lapsed into, completely gone. Clarke sighs, now not really feeling like going to a restaurant and bar. Lexa chuckles, reading Clarke's mind and kisses her forehead before getting up. "We gotta go, we'll just come back early, alright?" Lexa tries to compromise. Clarke huffs but smiles.

"Fine." She says as she makes her way to the bathroom, needing a shower after all of that. She washes herself squeaky clean and exits. Lexa is standing at the vanity brushing her hair and doing a simple fish tail side braid when she leaves the bathroom. She's dressed in jeans and a nice blouse that's tucked in. She's applying make-up for the first time since she's been home and Clarke smiles. She moves to her bag and gets dressed as well. Once they are both finished they grab their things and head for the door. Clarke holds Lexa's free hand from the cane and the two decide to just walk to the restaurant and bar combo. They get inside and it looks more like a dancehall with fancy tables than anything. There's a live jazz band going crazy up on stage looking absolutely formal with their tuxedos. Some people are in their military uniforms while other's are not. Clarke watches as Lexa searches around the place for their table and then her eyes light up and she's dragging Clarke further into the room. They get to a fancy table with teacup candles in the middle. A woman is sitting next to a man, while two other men occupy the other side and two empty chairs are between the woman and one of the other men. The guy next to the woman lights up and stands immediately upon seeing Lexa.

"Lex!" He exclaims. Lexa drops Clarke's hand and throws her arms around the tall man. He's handsome, light brown hair and blue eyes. Clarke realizes then that this must be Cooper, as he does look a lot like an older Aden. Clarke's a little taken aback by how quick Lexa throws her arms around the guy. One of the other men stands up and sandwiches Lexa from behind which makes her start laughing. Clarke watches, absolutely amazed at how open she is with these two men. She's not even this friendly with her own best friend since childhood. Soon they break away and Lexa introduces all of them to Clarke. Cooper shakes her hand and the other man, Bogie, gives her a hug. They then each introduce their spouses. Bogie's partner is named Daniel and Cooper's girlfriend, or now fiancé, is named Anastasia. Both of them seem absolutely wonderful and greet Clarke warmly. They take their seats and Lexa surprisingly starts the conversation, asking her friends what they've been doing the past month. The three joke constantly with one another and Clarke has honestly never seen Lexa like this with anyone but her and their kids. Not to her own father, her best friend; nobody. Clarke talks with the other partners, she discusses the engagement ring with Anastasia and she explains how Cooper had done it. Daniel talks about what he does for a living and the three get to know each other for the first thirty minutes while the old friends catch up. Soon the drinks are flowing and everyone is engaged into one big discussion.

Clarke laughs heartily at Lexa and Coopers banter, the two have a comeback for everything. Bogie settles them down just as they get going. Cooper then mentions some sort of 'family dinner' that sends Lexa into a fit of laughter. She then makes Clarke tell Cooper her mashed potato recipe. Lexa's hand never leaves Clarke's thigh as she sips on her amaretto sour. Her third of the night. Soon, the jazz band pumps up once more and Lexa stands abruptly. She grabs Clarke's hand and drags her out onto the dance floor, slurring 'no matter my brace; I can still get down with a beat' which makes Clarke die of laughter. It's the most fun they've had in so long with just the two of them, even before the war. Lexa swings her around as she hears Cooper and Bogie whooping and hollering at them. Cooper then joins with Anastasia and they begin swinging around the dance floor as well. It's so carefree and light, Clarke knows for certain they won't be going back to the hotel early now. She could probably party all night with these people. She understands now why Lexa had been missing them so much. 

Soon, a slow song starts and Clarke and Lexa sway with the music, occasionally kissing one another. Bogie and Daniel make their way also out onto the dance floor and the three couples forget about the past for the evening. The song ends and everyone returns to the table for more drinks and the house specials that were to be coming out soon. Lexa and Clarke are both heavily intoxicated. Practically the whole table is completely intoxicated and laughing loudly over the music. Lexa's on her 5th amaretto sour when the bubble bursts. 

Lexa had been telling a story about a turtle (which made no sense whatsoever) and didn't notice when the waiter set down her plate of food. In the middle of the story, she glanced briefly down at her plate and paled then abruptly stood up, knocking over the chair. Clarke startled not expecting her to do that. Lexa then starts to freak out and grow more and more angry. She looks around wildly for the waiter. The waiter that had set the plate down comes over and Clarke has never heard Lexa berate someone so bad. Calling him a 'fucking idiot' and yelling crazily. Eyes begin to fall onto their table and Clarke stands to try and calm the situation. Lexa doesn't even hear Clarke as she continues to yell at the waiter, Bogie and Cooper drag her away from the waiter telling her things softly to try and calm her. Lexa breaks from their hold as Clarke apologizes to the waiter and tells him to go ahead and leave. Clarke looks over at Lexa wide eyed and Lexa takes one look at the plate of food and slaps it off the table so the plate shatters and the food goes flying. She then storms out one of the back exits as everyone's eyes stay on their table. Clarke starts to try and gather their things but Cooper stops her and lets her know he's got it. She watches as he jogs out the same back exit Lexa had just storm out of. Clarke sits down, absolutely embarrassed and confused by what just happened.

Bogie whispers something into Daniel's ear and then also takes off towards the exit, leaving the spouses awkwardly at the table. Clarke sighs and rubs a hand over her face, then Daniel speaks up.

"It was the rice. The white rice on the plate. Bogie did the same thing a few weeks ago when I made rice and chicken for dinner. He then told me later that that's all they were given in the camp. One rice ball that was filled with maggots. That was all they got for the day. That's why she freaked out." Daniel explains. Clarke's heart sinks. She didn't know that was all they were given. She didn't know any of that. She feels even more embarrassed that she didn't know something like that, that Lexa never told her that. She then feels Anastasia put her hand over Clarke's. She turns away from a different waiter who was cleaning up the mess to meet Anastasia's eyes.

"Don't beat yourself up. They keep a lot of the things that happened locked inside. I didn't know about the rice either until four days ago. We went to a restaurant and I ordered a meal with white rice and James started sobbing at the table when he saw it. We had to leave because he was in hysterics. It's happened to all of us, Clarke. You're definitely not alone in wanting to know what happened over there." She tells her. Clarke nods and bites her lip. Soon a calm Lexa is limping back in, using the support of Cooper and Bogie as they keep giving her reassurances and Lexa nods. They help her sit down and make their way to their respective seats. Lexa looks over to Clarke guiltily and leans into her ear. 

"I'm really sorry. I'm so sorry." She whispers, her voice cracking. Clarke can't even be mad at her. After finding out why she freaked the way she did; she was embarrassed, yes, but she can't be mad at her. Lexa pulls away, looking defeated and now just as embarrassed and Clarke hates it. She leans over to place a chaste kiss on her cheek and grabs ahold of her hand squeezing it in reassurance. To let her know she knows why she had a meltdown. That it's okay to tell her more about these things. No judgement. 

The rest of the evening is pretty much killed after that. A reminder to all of them that the war will never be truly behind them.


	29. There Goes The Neighborhood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry sorry for the late update! Work is crazy right now, plus all this Donald Trump business has me busy with volunteering and organizing political things. But sadly we are coming close to the end as you can see, but I think you guys will like the ending.
> 
> As always your support is amazing! If you have any other story ideas you'd like to see me write in the future, let me know!

Lexa leans her elbow onto her thigh as she looks out at the field from the bleachers. She can see Lia from the corner of her eye mimicking her as they watch Aden's practice. She hadn't seen him truly play football yet. He's not full on playing, but it's enough to see that her son has true talent for the sport. She can't help the little grin on her face as she watches him dodge a tackle flawlessly. She wishes she could have been there for his first game. Watched him progress into the player that he is today. Cheer on with Lia next to her. Be the one who had taught Lia the semantics of the game. She shakes the thoughts of the past away. She's here now, especially when she probably shouldn't be. She needs to watch as he progresses from here, teach Lia new things about the game. She can do those things now.

Lexa listens to Lia yell at the football players, and it makes her laugh and shake her head. She can only guess her father was the one that taught her everything. Lexa remembers when her dad would take her to the High School games and would teach her everything about it. Lexa hadn't been as enthusiastic about it as Lia is. She would just quietly discuss the different methods they could go about winning the game with her father. It was their thing when she was younger. Gustus was young when he had Lexa so he had acted more like a friend than a father when she was younger. So taking to her to football games and speaking to her like she was an adult already was the norm for them. She's found herself speaking the same way to Lia now that she's back. 

She's been slightly avoiding Clarke since she went back to work and the outburst she had in Arkadia. She wasn't expecting to have such a strong reaction to seeing rice, but it felt like Mengenala was mocking her or something. That he was at the restaurant just waiting for his opportunity to strike. When they left that evening, her and Clarke barely spoke. They just silently went to bed and drove home the next morning. She knows Clarke wants answers, but Lexa just doesn't feel ready to give them to her. She knows she can trust Clarke and that she'd never judge her. But at the same time, the things she went through were beyond devastating. She doesn't want that burden to fall on Clarke either. She doesn't want to devastate Clarke with the things that happened. So it's easier to just keep it locked inside and let herself carry the burden. But even she knows it's not entirely locked up safe in her mind. It's plaguing her existence nearly every night now. She is snapped out of her thoughts when she hears the final whistle and Aden jogging over to the bleachers with his helmet off. She looks up and smiles at him.

"You did amazing! Seriously. I know this was just a practice but watching the little i've seen, I know you're gonna give me a good show when I see your first game." Lexa praises him. He smiles brightly at her. Lexa then suggests he go shower and they can walk to go to the ice cream parlor before heading home. Lia and Lexa goof around a bit as they wait. She's been doing better about walking about town, although she doesn't go alone. She usually brings either Aden, Lia, or both with her. Everyone for the most part has been giving her the space she needs, although a few times people will make a joke that makes her quite uncomfortable. But overall, the neighbors have been okay. Soon, Aden comes out and is ready to go. Lexa grabs her cane and holds on to Lia's hand as they walk off the bleachers and walk further into town. They walk past the town regulars and Lexa smiles politely at them as she continues talking football with both Lia and Aden. Soon they arrive at the ice cream parlor. Aden enters first and holds the door open for both Lexa and Lia. There's only about two other people eating their ice cream in a a booth in the corner. The owner, Katie Burton, is behind the counter and lights up when she sees Lexa and the kids.

"A real soldier, coming to visit little ole' me?" Katie smirks. Lexa rolls her eyes. Katie had gone to High School with both Lexa and Clarke, and according to Clarke, had and may possibly still has, a big crush on her. 

"Can I get three waffle cones?" Lexa orders. Katie smiles and starts grabbing one waffle cone. 

"Absolutely, who wants to pick the flavors first?" She asks. Lia instantly shoots her hand up and Lexa chuckles and pushes her towards the glass case to pick out her ice cream. Once they all pick their flavors Lexa goes to pay. "It's on the house, soldier." She winks. Lexa sighs and shakes her head.

"No I insist. They got a lot of scoops." Lexa tries. She shakes her head.

"Mayor Thomas practically enacted a law that whatever you want in town you get. Take advantage of it." Katie smiles. Lexa clenches her jaw. She hates that they all treat her like she some sort of hero when she isn't at all. She wants them to just treat her like they normally use to treat her. Smile politely and not much talking. Let her pay for her things like anyone else would. Katie must notice Lexa's demeanor change and starts typing into the cash register. "Five dollars." She says. It's a massive discount but she appreciates the effort on making Lexa more comfortable. Lexa pulls out a ten and tells her to keep the change before making her way over to the high top table Lia and Aden were sat at. It was a hot day and they wouldn't to enjoy the air conditioning of the shop before they have to walk home in the heat. The three continue on with their conversation; Lia's enthusiasm making Lexa laugh quite a bit. Soon the soft music of the radio stops and a news report comes on. It then goes to someone speaking Trigdesleng and Lexa hears it. She's then taken back into the memory. 

She's by the horses. She can feel the breeze. She can smell the fire burning. The laughter of the drunken rebels. She can see the rebel with the young woman. The grunts; the yelp. She can hear and smell and see it all around her. 

She's snapped out of it and she feels Aden's hands on either side of her cheeks. He's trying to get her to focus on his eyes. Lexa looks around and realizes she dropped her ice cream and is now on the floor. She looks up and Lia is watching her wide eyed. 

"Hey. Look at me mom, listen to my breathing." Aden whispers, Lexa turns to him and realizes she's shaking. "You're not there anymore. You're here with me and Lia. You're home. Okay?" He says and Lexa nods slowly, taking deep breaths. 

"Should I call an ambulance?" Katie calls out. 

"No, it's fine!" Aden yells back at her. Once Lexa is finally dragged out of it enough, she's embarrassed. She doesn't know what happened when she was sent into the flashback but she can see the two other people looking at her wide eyed from their booth. 

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." Lexa apologizes to Aden. He shakes his head and gives her a smile.

"It's okay mama. It's not your fault. You can't help it. It's okay." He tells her and hugs her. Lexa takes another deep breath and then Aden tries to help her stand. Lia still looks a little wide eyed but smiles at Lexa when their eyes meet. 

"Let's go." Lexa says quietly, feeling more and more embarrassed the long they stay in the shop. Aden helps Lia off her stool and they all leave the shop. She can only imagine how that's going to spread throughout the town. That she's crazy and fucked up in the head now. Aden talks to Lia quietly as Lexa continues to lag behind them, her thoughts and those images start to consume her mind. She doesn't even realize when they arrive back home. She just continues following Lia and Aden's leads. They enter the home and Lexa is still trying to get the images out of her head. This hasn't happened to her for this long of a period before. 

"Lia and I are going to swim. Is it alright if Mia comes over?" Aden asks. Lexa barely hears him and just nods absentmindedly. He studies her demeanor and then grabs Lia's hand and drags her outside in the backyard. Lexa tries, to keep the images at bay by going into the kitchen and making food. A simple task could help keep the images away for a moment. She starts trying to make a PB&J sandwich but when she gets out the knife, she starts seeing the images again. Her putting the knife to the rebel's throat, the young woman slitting his throat. She sets it down and makes her way out of the kitchen. She goes into the office in a daze, looking around for something to distract her. They continue to plague her mind as she walks over to the piano, she hits a few keys while standing and sighs. She closes her eyes and the images are still there. She decides then to just let them consume her for a minute, then they'll go away. She makes her way over to the desk and sits in the chair as she zones out, letting the images take over. After a few minutes or so she notices there's mail on the desk. She picks up one envelope and feels herself grow pale. It looks exactly like the envelope she received when she was drafted. All the sense of doom comes washing over her as she shakily opens the letter. 

It's her summons. Give her deposition on everything that happened to her in two days in D.C. . 

Lexa clenches her jaw and sets the letter on her desk. Everything is coming in full force. She didn't want her children to see her like that, she doesn't want to relive all these memories over and over again, she doesn't want to talk about them in front of a bunch of people. She just wants it all to end. 

Clarke opens the front door to the home. Aden had texted her about twenty minutes before that Lexa had had a meltdown in the ice cream parlor and was now cathartic. Barely acknowledging anything and that he wanted her to come home. Clarke looks around the house for a moment, she can hear Lia and Aden in the backyard but no sign of Lexa. She then looks to the side of the front door where the door to the office was open. She sets her purse down and makes her way into the office. She looks in and Lexa is slumped over, her head resting on the hardwood surface. 

"Lex?" Clarke calls out to her gently. Lexa slowly lifts her head up and looks at Clarke. But not really. She's looking beyond Clarke and her eyes are distant and wild. She's in a flashback. Clarke waits patiently, not wanting to startle her out of it. Finally, she snaps out of it and meets Clarke's eyes in a frown, confused on why she's there.

"Why are you home already?" Lexa questions. Like she only just realized Clarke had been standing there the whole time. Clarke grows frustrated, this isn't normal. None of this is normal. She clenches her jaw and shuts the office door so their kids won't hear them. She turns back around and makes sure to make complete eye contact with Lexa who looks even more confused.

"I'm not doing this anymore. You have two options, you either talk to me or you go talk to a professional." Clarke says sternly. Lexa rolls her eyes.

"How about neither." She mutters. Clarke grows angry and hits a book off of a table.

"Damnit Lexa! This isn't something to roll your eyes at or make stupid comments! I haven't slept well in way over a month because i'm up with you, making sure you don't hurt yourself or get lost! This isn't a joke! I don't know what to do when you're in a flashback!" Clarke yells for the first time since Lexa's returned, angry tears falling down her face. Lexa grows angry as well and stands from her seat at the desk.

"Well if i'm such a burden to you, why don't you just leave!" Lexa yells back. Clarke shakes her head as more tears fall down her face.

"That is not at all what I am saying and you know it! You are never a burden and i'd never leave you! I need you to tell me what is going on! Anything! Something!" Clarke yells as her tears come down a little faster. Lexa's quiet for a moment as she clenches her jaw and then moves it from side to side.

"I can't do that." She states. Clarke shakes her head as the tension falls over them. Clarke wipes her eyes and looks at Lexa once more as Lexa looks away from her. 

"What are you going to do when you fall into a flashback in front of our kids and it's way worse than today's? What if you were to accidentally hurt them?" Clarke tries. Lexa looks over at Clarke with a softness in her eyes once more. 

"I'd never do that. I'd never hurt them." Lexa tells her quietly. Clarke shakes her head.

"You don't know that. You don't pick and choose when you have a flashback. You don't know what you're like when you are sleepwalking and in the middle of a flashback. The way you lashed out at that waiter." Clarke points out. Lexa clenches her jaw. She feels immeasurable amount of guilt at Clarke's words. Clarke steps forward until she's face to face with Lexa. Clarke cups her cheeks with both hands, "How are you not tired? Don't you want relief from the prison in your mind?" Clarke whispers to her. Lexa lets a couple of tears slip out of her eyes as Clarke confronts her more and more. Lexa turns her head away and starts crying. "Oh c'mere." Clarke gently whispers as she wraps Lexa up into her arms. Lexa buries her head into Clarke's neck. All this weight she's been carrying around is crushing her. Everything is coming to the forefront as she cries into Clarke's neck. 

"I just want it to end. I just want it to be over..." Lexa croaks over and over as Clarke rubs her back. Clarke kisses her head and feels her heart breaking for her wife. She pulls Lexa away from her and looks at her eyes. 

"Let's go upstairs. Lay down." Clarke tries. Lexa nods and Clarke guides her out of the office and listens out for Lia and Aden. She can still hear the splashing and laughing out back and helps Lexa up the stairs. They make it into their bedroom and Clarke lays down next to Lexa and just holds her as she continues to cry. Every emotion she's kept locked up coming to the forefront. She rubs circles on her back and hums a tune until Lexa quiets down. Clarke can feel her breath evening out but doesn't move out of the embrace. It's hard to see Lexa like this and to hear how broken she is, but she knows it was necessary. She needs help and Clarke knows now she can't be the one to help her in this situation. She can't ignore it anymore and justify it. Clarke kisses her head and settles back into the pillows and continues to hold on tight to Lexa. 

//

It's two days later and Lexa has her deposition in D.C. . Clarke had been researching psychiatrists that help military personnel specifically for the past two days. Lexa has mostly been stayed up in bed, Lia and Aden keeping her company and watching movies with her. Lexa had asked for Clarke to come with her to her deposition and Clarke agreed which now brings them to driving into D.C. Clarke holds her hand continuously as they drive into the nations capital. It'll be the first time she's meeting Marcus the first time in person. Lexa looks out the window and watches everything passing by her. She thinks having Clarke with her will help open up the dialogue she needs to have with her. 

They make it to the building and are instantly greeted by Marcus. He smiles gently at Clarke.

"It's great to see you in person." He says. Clarke nods and squeezes Lexa's hand. 

"You as well. This is Lexa." Clarke gestures to Lexa. Lexa gives him a polite smile and he returns it.

"It's really great to meet you Private. How about we head inside and get set up." He says, opening the door and letting Clarke and Lexa walk in together. Lexa squeezes her hand, her nerves starting to get the best of her. 

"It's okay." Clarke whispers to her as she squeezes back; she's not going anywhere. Lexa nods to her, letting her know she understands. The three get in an elevator together and soon are entering a conference looking room. Two military investigators are setting up a camera and introduce themselves. They then ask Lexa to take a seat. 

"Is it okay if my wife stays in the room?" Lexa asks hesitantly. The two investigators look to Marcus and he nods. 

"Yes, that's fine." One of them says. Clarke takes a seat on the side of the table and makes sure she's out of the frame. Lexa looks nervously at Clarke and she gives her a smile. "So this deposition is actually going to be killing two birds with one stone. Diamara Mengenala, the former head guard of Honon, currently has a bounty on him to be tried for war crimes. Many other guards are also being tried in a summit in Paris, much like the Nuremberg trials. We know you were in Honon and want your testimonial of the things that he did after we get your testimonial on what happened before then." The investigator says. Lexa swallows, not having expected she'd be telling everything today. Clarke can tell Lexa is panicking and decides to sit closer to her, not caring if she's in the frame or not. 

"Okay." Lexa croaks. They all nod and turn on the camera. They begin asking Lexa normal questions, like her full name and date of birth. Whether she volunteered or was drafted. What she had been doing before she had been drafted. How many children she has. They then ask her to start from the morning of the mission and what her job was. She tells them and they then ask what her relationship was like with each member of her platoon. She tries as best as she can to remember what her relationship was like with everyone and answers. She tells them about Quint having not liked her much but she never really knew why. They then ask for her to tell the story of what went down, how she remembered it. Lexa begins to explain what had happened, the attack, Sheffield putting the gun to her head, the proposition, what Quint had whispered to her before Artigas came back, the next morning, the shallow grave. After she details how they left her they stop the interview. Lexa is full on shaking and sweating. The images of everything that happened continuously flashing through her mind. They get her a bottle of water and tell her they'll take a fifteen minute break before they continue. Marcus asks the investigators to his office so Clarke and Lexa can have a moment alone.

Clarke grabs ahold of Lexa's hand and moves her other hand to help move some sticky strands from her forehead. Lexa looks up at Clarke's eyes, "I'm scared." She whispers. Clarke nods and scoots closer to her. 

"No matter what, i'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here." Clarke tells her. Lexa nods and Clarke leans in to place a kiss on her lips. Lexa pulls back and stares into Clarke's cerulean eyes. No judgement. No pity. Just unequivocal love. Lexa nods more confidently now, ready to tell the rest. Soon, they re-enter and make their way to sit down once more behind the camera. They ask if she's okay to start once more and Lexa nods. From there they ask her to detail how she got out of the shallow grave. Lexa explains how she had pulled herself out and down the river bank. The different encounters with Reaper soldiers, then her encounter with the rebels. She then gets to the city she had stumbled upon and Amara betraying her which lead her to be captured and brought to Honon. Clarke listens intently, having never heard beyond Lexa being thrown into the shallow grave. 

"What happened upon arrival?" One of the investigators asks. Lexa shifts in her seat and sighs, the memory of that tiny wooden shed being conjured up.

"I was put in a wooden shed. I couldn't lay down or sit on the ground. There was a waste bucket in the corner and maggots all over the ground. I was in there without food or water for about two days. A Reaper guard then took me out and made me go across the camp to be disinfected." Lexa explains. He nods.

"When did you meet the head guard, Mengenala?" He asks. Lexa swallows. 

"After I was finished with the bath. I was brought over to the square where everyone else was lined up. Mengenala was on some crazy tirade, speaking in both Trigdesleng and English. He then proceeded to beat one of the prisoners at random, he then asked for the prisoner to stand back up after having beaten him, when the prisoner refused he shot him in the head without even blinking. That's when he noticed me as the new arrival." Lexa explains. They nod and write things down on a notepad like file. 

"When was the first time you had been abused by him?" The other investigator asks. Lexa sighs, not really knowing what would be considered the first time. 

"I mean, the starving and dehydration would probably be the beginning. We only got one rice ball filled with maggots a day and a dixie cup of water. The second would be the forced labor, with the coal. Are you talking beatings?" Lexa questions. They both nod.

"When he first lashed out at you. Other reports from other POW's that were in the camp with you, have mentioned many times that he liked to pick on you the most. I want to know when it started." He states. Lexa nods and looks briefly over at Clarke. She gives her an encouraging smile but feels her stomach turning into knots. She knows though she can't leave Lexa alone in this moment.

"He tried to interrogate me. Asked me why I was in enemy territory. I think he thought I had this whole wealth of information that could get him to move up in his job if I provided him with information. Of course I didn't, but he didn't know that so I used it to my advantage. I didn't tell him anything and just stayed silent so he had guards waterboard me. When I still refused he did it again. I think I spit on him and that's when I took my first beating. He broke my eye socket and re-broke my ribs, among other things. Once I was losing consciousness he ordered the guards to drag me back into that shed. I woke up some hours later to him screaming manically around camp and he opened the door. He took his belt off and began beating me in the head and back with the metal clasp. Once he tired out, he shut the door and locked it. I was in the shed for another three days after that with no food or water. From there the beatings just became routine. He'd pick me in the line up at the end of the day to wail on. He'd sometimes line the other prisoners up to punch me in the face one by one. He'd constantly waterboard me during interrogations. It was just...endless." Lexa finishes. Everyone is looking at her wide eyed. There's a silence that falls over the room until finally one of the investigators speaks up.

"Would you be able to point out where, the day you guys were freed, where he had taken you guys up on the hill during the death march? In your recollection, can you also describe what had happened?" He ask hesitantly. Lexa looks to Clarke who is clearly trying to hide her anger and devastation, but it isn't working. Lexa turns back to the investigator and nods.

"I could point it out on a map. As far as what happened. He brought us up on the hill and forced us to dig ten by ten trenches. Every guard had switched out their rifles with machine guns. I was pretty positive it was the end of the road for all of us. After a few hours of digging he was satisfied and asked all of us to face him and the guards. He then made half the guards fire their machine guns. They gunned down maybe 25-30 soldiers to my right side. He then made them stop and had a conversation with one of the other guards while the rest of us were shaking and scared. He then ordered the rest of us out of the trench and to use the dirt piles to cover up the dead bodies. Then we made the march back to camp." She says. They nod and Clarke feels like she could throw up. She closes her eyes briefly and takes a deep shaky breath before opening them. 

"Do you know how much you weighed upon the announcement of freedom?" One of the investigators asks.

"Before the plane drops of food?" Lexa questions. They nod. 

"Uh, i'm not entirely sure, probably 70-something pounds. Maybe a little more maybe a little less. I'm not sure." Lexa says. They both nod and write it down. They then reach over and stop the recording. Writing a few more things before turning back up to look at Lexa. 

"Thank you for your cooperation, Private. Officer Sheffield will be charged with Treason, hopefully no trial. When we find Private Quint, and depending on his status; he'll be charged with attempted murder as well as Treason and a host of other charges. Your last remaining person that was apart of your platoon, Private Jasmine Echo, she's been given immunity in case we do have to go to trial, she'll testify on our behalf on what Officer Sheffield had threatened to do on the mountain. Give more merit to the claims in the notebook and your testimony." They explain. Lexa nods, not really thinking Echo needed to be charged with anything. The worse thing she did was stay silent. "That's all we need from you at the moment, we'll call you with an update as soon as one happens." The investigator says as they both stand. Lexa, Clarke, and Marcus all stand as well. She shakes the investigators hands and Marcus lets them know he'll escort them out of the building. Lexa holds Clarke's hand tightly as they walk out of the building together. Marcus shakes both of their hands and repeats what the investigators said, that he'd contact them with updates. He leaves and then it's just both Clarke and Lexa. 

They walk down the sidewalk to their car. Clarke's mind is racing, she's devastated that that's what Lexa had been dealing with on a regular basis for the last five years. That she was even skinnier than she looked when she got home. That she even had to endure that in the first place. Her heart hurts for her love. But at the same time, Lexa is here. Despite how much that guard tried to bring her down, he didn't. She stood tall and forced herself through it to come home to Clarke. 

They stop by the car and before Clarke goes into the drivers side, she stops Lexa from entering the passenger side door. Lexa frowns in confusion but Clarke just pulls her into an embrace. 

"I have never been more proud of you in my life. I'm never going to stop loving you and your strength, Lexa." Clarke whispers to her. Lexa melts into Clarke's arms and closes her eyes.

For the first time since she met him, she can see and feel Mengenala cowering in the corner of her mind. Defeated and weak.

 


	30. Forgiving But Never Forgetting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Late chapter again, I know! But America is currently in peril with our fascist president so lots of activism and resisting is needed.
> 
> Next chapter is the epilogue, so it's been a ride guys! Thanks for sticking with this story, even when it frustrated you at times. I do really like the Military AU universe and i'm surprised there's not more fics in that AU, so who knows maybe i'll write another one. Once again, the amount of love and support you guys have shown this story is incredible and I couldn't be more grateful. Seriously, this fandom and you guys are awesome and I love you all. Without further ado, here is the penultimate installment.

"How's your anxiety today, Lexa?" Dr. Conners asks. She leans back in her chair and studies Lexa. Lexa's been seeing her since her deposition; after officially being discharged from the military she'd been diagnosed as disabled due to her injuries and severe PTSD. They have her on some anxiety medication and Dr. Conners has been teaching her different techniques to help get her out of a flashback and not let it take over the rest of her day. Dr. Conners has also been teaching Clarke what to do when Lexa is sleep walking. So far Lexa thinks it's been going well; things have definitely improved from where they were. 

"Um, well I was with Clarke getting some coffee down the street at Grind and a car backfired. It sent me into a flashback of one of the battles I was in. When I came to, I was cowering underneath a table and Clarke was trying to coax me out. I feel on edge now." Lexa admits. The flashbacks have been happening more during the day as she ventures out of the house more. It's caused the town and neighbors to gossip. So much so that Aden came home with a busted lip and black eye one evening. Lexa had secretly stayed outside Aden's bedroom door as Clarke had talked to him about what happened. According to Aden, when he had been at the baseball field hanging out with Mia and some other friends, a couple of kids came by and started talking crap. One of them then called Lexa crazy and psycho which caused Aden to hit him in the face, which in turn started a brawl. Lexa felt terrible for the rest of the night. 

"Why do you feel on edge? Are the images still playing back?" Dr. Conners asks. Lexa shakes her head.

"No. No they aren't still there or lingering. I just-I hate this. I'm on edge because i'm constantly waiting for the next car to backfire, or someone to say something in Trigdesleng, or hand me a piece of plywood to hold on to. I'm trying to go out more like you told me to do, but every time I do, i'm sent into a flashback and I embarrass my family. The entire town now thinks i'm nuts and my kid is getting into fist fights because of it." Lexa tells her. Dr. Conners studies Lexa for a moment. She then begins to stand and moves towards her door. She opens it a crack and sticks her head out.

"Clarke? Can you come in here please?" She asks. Lexa sighs, this definitely wasn't an uncommon occurrence. Whenever Lexa expresses her insecurities regarding her family, Dr. Conners makes Clarke come in and reassure her. At this point, Lexa thinks Clarke might as well just sit in for the whole session. 

Clarke walks in and gives Lexa a warm smile before taking a seat next to her on the couch. She grabs ahold of Lexa's hand and squeezes gently as Dr. Conners makes her way back to sit in her chair. 

"Tell Clarke what you just told me." Dr. Conners states. Lexa hesitates as she sees Clarke's head turn into her direction. Lexa sighs but doesn't look at Clarke when she speaks.

"I'm on edge constantly-" Dr. Conners cuts her off.

"Don't look at the ground, you need to make eye contact with her. Look at her and start again." Dr. Conners instructs. Lexa slightly glares at her but does as she's told. She looks at Clarke and she gives her a reassuring small smile and an encouraging nod to continue. Lexa swallows.

"I'm on edge constantly. Every time we go out of the house, something happens and i'm sent into a flashback and I don't know what i'm doing. I know i'm embarrassing you and Aden and Lia. And I know what everyone is saying about me, that i'm 'nuts' and I know why Aden got into that fist fight a few days ago." Lexa finishes. Clarke's smile drops and she squeezes Lexa's hand

"Clarke, how can you help her not to feel that way?" Dr. Conners asks. Clarke looks over briefly at her and nods before returning her eyes back to Lexa.

"You're not embarrassing. You are never embarrassing. The people in this town are just a bunch of gossip girls. Men and women alike. They are always going to talk about things they don't get or understand. You thinking that you're embarrassing us because you have a disorder, breaks my heart because it's not at all the case." Clarke tells her sincerely. Lexa turns away from her. 

"I feel like, we've been apart for so long and maybe you had this idea of how i'd be like when I came back. But now, i'm not living up to your expectations." Lexa tells her. Clarke sighs and squeezes her hand.

"I never had any expectations, Lex. Never. All i've wanted was for you to just be home. That's it. Just you home with me and the kids. No expectations, no perquisites. Just you, however you are. " Clarke's voice cracks a little towards the end. Lexa nods but continues looking at the floor. 

"Is this an insecurity you have a lot Lexa? That you feel like you're not meeting everyone's expectations of you?" Dr. Conners asks. Lexa nods. "Clarke i'm going to ask you since you've been the one going out with her the most, do we need to cut back on how much she goes out? Is she having flashbacks every time you go out?" Dr. Conners asks Clarke.

"So far, yes she has been. I've noticed they are quicker though, not as drawn out. She's not dazed for the rest of the day when it happens either. So I think it's making some progress." Clarke tells the psychiatrist. 

"Lexa what do you think? Putting aside the anxiety of embarrassing your family or feeling like you are letting them down, has going out been helping in some way shape or form?" Dr. Conners asks. Lexa shrugs, not really feeling like talking anymore. Dr. Conners clicks her tongue, recognizing that Lexa has shut down and is done talking. "Okay, we've talked about this. You shutting down is not going to help you or any of this. Lucky for you, your session is almost up. But you need to open up and talk, even if it's not to me, but do it to Clarke." Lexa doesn't meet her eyes and clenches her jaw. Dr. Conners sighs and turns to Clarke. "Clarke, make sure to give her one of the pills when you get home. We're also just going to limit the going out from four days a week to three days a week. In those three days if she's going backward and they are being drawn out longer, bump it back up even if she protests. I think you're correct in that it is helping, right now she's in a down mood from the flashback at the café." Dr. Conners instructs Clarke. Clarke nods and squeezes Lexa's hand gently once more. 

"Okay, Lexa i'll see you again on Friday at 2." Dr. Conners says, writing the appointment on an appointment card. Lexa lets go of Clarke's hand and takes it while standing to get out of the room. She grabs her cane and adjusts her sling as she makes her way out of the room, knowing that Dr. Conners and Clarke were going to discuss things in private. Lexa had given authorization for them to speak about what Lexa says or does in the sessions for Clarke only. Lexa waits in the waiting room where other older veterans from different wars are waiting. She hopes she's not still going to be in therapy when she's old and grey. Finally, Clarke emerges with her purse slung over her shoulder and gestures with her head that she's ready to go. Lexa limps out of the doctors office and the two walk silently to the car. 

Clarke watches Lexa as she gets into the passenger seat. Clarke had received a call earlier while Lexa was in her session from Marcus. The military wants to offer them a settlement so they won't sue them. They haven't found Quint yet, and they presume he's probably one of the many dead bodies still on the beach or his body was dragged out with the tide and is long gone. Him being just missing is not looking to be likely now. Officer Sheffield had been charged with treason and attempted murder, he plead guilty in order to avoid trial and receive a lesser sentence. He'd be in prison for thirty years, getting out when he's close to 73 years old. She doesn't know if now would be a great time to bring up the offer so she keeps silent about it.

They get home, still sitting in silence. Lexa feels discouraged and embarrassed so she heads upstairs to watch TV from their bedroom. Clarke watches her make her way upstairs and sighs. She hadn't shut down like this in awhile. She had done it the first few sessions but eventually was fine afterwards. Dr. Conners is stern and hard headed, something Lexa needs in a therapist or else the doctor could get walked all over when it comes to her. Clarke makes her way into the kitchen to go to one of the cabinets. She finds the prescription and takes a pill out, the back door slides open and Aden walks in. His eye is more blue and yellow now and his lip has gone down. 

"Bad day?" He asks. Clarke nods as she fills a cup of water from the fridge. 

"Go upstairs and give her a hug?" She asks. He smiles and nods before exiting the kitchen to go upstairs. Lia then comes in behind Aden and Clarke picks her up and sets her on the countertop.

Aden knocks lightly on the bedroom door as he listens to the low murmur of the television. He opens it a crack and pokes his head in. Lexa is sitting up against the headboard while underneath the covers. She looks away from the TV and sees Aden and gives him a small smile. Aden takes that as an invitation and walks fully into the room and shuts the door. He climbs onto the bed and sits next to Lexa. She's watching Singin' In The Rain. 

"Man, I haven't watched this since the last time we watched it together." Aden comments. Lexa looks over and smiles. When he was younger they watched this film and The Wizard of Oz constantly together.

"You guys haven't played it for Lia?" Lexa asks, her mood already shifting. Aden shakes his head.

"Mom couldn't do it. Her and I tried watching it once but we had to turn it off ten minutes in. Just didn't feel right." Aden tells her. Lexa studies him as his eyes return back to the screen. Lexa reaches out her hand and brushes his hair. 

"Well we can watch it now." Lexa says. Aden smiles but doesn't turn to look at Lexa. They both settle on the bed and mouth along to the songs quietly until the bedroom door squeaks open and Clarke and Lia are coming in. Clarke is holding a glass of water and one of Lexa's pills. Lexa takes the glass of water from her as Lia climbs up onto the bed and downs the pill. She sets the water aside and makes Lia sit in-between her legs and leans back into her. Clarke stands awkwardly on the side of the bed. "You gonna join?" Lexa eyes her after a minute or so. Clarke nods and Lexa moves closer to Aden so Clarke can lay on her other side. After a few minutes Clarke lays her head down on Lexa's shoulder. Lexa removes one of her arms from Lia and wraps it around Clarke. 

"I'm sorry." She murmurs to Clarke. Feeling bad about how she had been behaving in the doctors office. Clarke shakes her head and looks up at Lexa.

"Just a bad day. You haven't had one in a long time, so I call it a win." Clarke whispers to her. Lexa nods and places a lingering kiss on Clarke's lips and the family of four settles back to continue watching movies for the rest of the night. Falling asleep together with no incidents.

//

Lexa leans back in the office chair as Clarke and a lawyer talk about if it's worth suing or just taking a settlement and what the settlement will contain. From she has gathered thus far, they are offering a settlement of $250,000.00 enough money to have the back and shoulder surgery she desperately needs and to put the money away for Lia and Aden. The only caveat is she isn't allowed to sell her story to a news organization or a ghost writer. If she wanted to write it on her own she is allowed but not for five years. She understands them not wanting the publicity at the current moment. America has won and the morale is high. When stories of how the American side had treated its own comes out, it'd make the people turn on them. 

Lexa listens for a few more minutes as the lawyer continues to explain the pros and cons of the settlement until finally she speaks up.

"We'll take it." Lexa says. Both of them turn to Lexa a little taken aback, since she had been silent for most of the time. 

"We could ask for more. What you went through-you can have more money." The lawyer says. Lexa shakes her head.

"No. If this is what it takes to put it all to rest, then i'm going to do it. I'm not interested in a story being sold or what have you. No amount of money can give me back the years I lost, it just can't. But, we can try to move forward and this can help. I'm not going to try and squeeze every bit of money out of the military because a few people decided to lie about things. It's not worth it and it's not the entire military's fault." Lexa finishes. Clarke stares at her for a moment and Lexa meets her eyes. They both share an understanding and Clarke nods. She turns back to the lawyer as well.

"What Lexa said. We'll take the settlement." Clarke tells him. He looks between the two for a moment before nodding and searching around in his briefcase. Lexa leans into Clarke's ear.

"I'm gonna go hang out with the kids out back." She tells her. Clarke smiles and nods before placing a chaste kiss on Lexa's lips before Lexa stands to leave the room.

Lexa hangs out back as Aden and Lia swim together, already feeling much lighter and happier having decided to take the settlement. They'll use the money for her surgery then store the rest away for her children. It's perfect for them. Lexa smiles as she watches Aden lift Lia up and launch her into the deep end. 

Clarke gets the paperwork in order with the lawyer before dismissing him and making her way outside. Before she can get out back to where her family is laughing, her cellphone begins to ring. She looks at the ID and it says it's the fertility clinic. Clarke pales a little. Before she had found out Lexa was alive, she had been going back and forth on whether she wanted to use the rest of the sperm cells to have another child. She had completely forgot about it when Lexa had turned up alive and didn't think to talk about it with her. She answers the call and as she listens to the specialist on the other end, knows that her and Lexa need to have a conversation later tonight.

Clarke walks out back and smiles at the sight in front of her. Lexa it dangling her feet into the water on the edge and Lia holds onto her good leg squealing to get away from Aden. Lexa is laughing freely and heartily as she tries to protect Lia as much as she can from the angle she's at. Clarke makes her way over to dangle her feet into the pool next to Lexa. She sits down and watches Lia and Aden splashing each other and smiles. She then meets Lexa eyes as she turns her head and they both smile at one another, listening to their children bickering. Clarke leans forward and presses a kiss onto Lexa's shoulder before laying her head on it. She then feels Lexa grab ahold of her phone and set down on the other side of her on the concrete. 

"What are you-" Before Clarke can finish her question, she gets the answer from Lexa pushing her fully clothed into the pool. Clarke comes up sputtering as Lexa leans her entire body back on the concrete laughing her ass off as Aden and Lia join along. "You bitch!" Clarke calls out playfully with a smile on her face. 

"Swear jar!" All three of them yell simultaneously in-between laughter. Clarke can't help but laugh and smile as Lia swims over to her giggling and wrapping her arms around Clarke's neck and hanging onto her back. Lexa smirks at Clarke as Clarke rolls her eyes but continues to smile. Clarke makes her way out of the pool with Lia still hanging onto her back. Her shorts and t-shirt are clinging to her skin as she sets Lia down. Lia takes a run and cannonballs into the pool next to Aden. Clarke goes over to Lexa with a mischievous look on her face as Lexa stands.

"Don't even think about it!" Lexa yells at her. Clarke opens her arms up to mimic a hug.

"Oh come on, give your wife a hug!" Clarke says as she makes her way closer. Before Lexa can get away Clarke wraps her drenched body over Lexa's dry body and Lexa yelps. "Oh yeah, baby, give me all that love." Clarke says playfully as she rubs her wet body all over Lexa.

"Oh my god! Stop!" Lexa laughs as she tries to pry Clarke off of her. Clarke holds on tighter though. Lexa finally stops struggling and looks at Clarke and surprises her by leaning in and capturing her lips. Clarke hums in appreciation and soon, the kiss heats up a little. 

"That's gross!" They both hear Aden call out and Lia's giggles. Both Clarke and Lexa get more dramatic and make it a notion to start moving their heads together more and making their lips smack together. "Oh my god! Get a room! Honestly!" Aden yells out but they both can hear the smile and laughter in his voice. Clarke can feel Lexa smiling against her lips and soon they break apart laughing. Lexa forgets that Clarke is completely drenched and wraps an arm around her as they both face Aden who has his nose scrunched up but a smile on his face.

"Most kids would kill to have parents who love each other you know?" Lexa tells him pointedly. He rolls his eyes but is still smiling. Clarke leans her head up from where she's tucked into Lexa's side and kisses her jaw. Lexa turns to wink at her before dragging her into the house, "Stay outside for awhile!" Lexa calls over her shoulder as Clarke laughs and Aden makes a gagging noise. From there, Clarke and Lexa go upstairs for about an hour and a half to have sex and lounge around in their bedroom before getting dressed and making dinner together. Clarke decides they'll talk about the important things later, just wanting to enjoy the carefreeness of the moment Lexa is having for the day. The kids come in after awhile and help both Lexa and Clarke with making dinner. After eating together, they all go their separate ways throughout the house. Clarke draws with Lia, Aden goes upstairs to FaceTime Mia and Lexa sets up in the living room with Netflix. After quite a few episodes of some new hit show, Clarke comes in and settles next to Lexa on the couch.

"Are they asleep?" She asks. Clarke nods. 

"Well, I think Aden is still up on his computer but Lia is asleep. She told me to tell you good night." Clarke replies. Lexa nods and turns her attention back to the television. Clarke thinks now would be the time to talk about her phone call. "I got a phone call today." She starts. 

"Hmm, from who?" Lexa hums. 

"The fertility clinic." Clarke states after a moment. Lexa moves her eyes from the television to look at Clarke. She doesn't say anything, just waiting patiently for her to continue. Clarke sighs and sits up. She puts her legs underneath her on the couch to turn her body to look fully at Lexa. "Before everything, I was contemplating having another child with the rest of the sperm cells by myself. I wanted another one of your kids, our kids. So I had been talking about going through with the treatments and the procedure again. But then everything happened and I forgot about it." Clarke explains. Lexa swallows and nods. 

"What did they say?" Lexa speaks. Clarke sighs.

"They want to destroy the cells and all that in the next three years. They need more room in their lab and they wanted to know if I still wanted to go through with the procedure or wait another year." Clarke tells her. Lexa turns away for a moment contemplating the information Clarke had just given her. Clarke waits patiently for her to process everything. After a moment or so, Lexa turns to face her once more. 

"Well what do you want to do?" Lexa asks. Clarke shakes her head.

"It's not just my decision, Lex." Clarke states. Lexa nods absentmindedly. A silence falls over them for a moment.

"Well, what do YOU want. Do you want another baby?" Lexa asks. Clarke bites her cheek. 

"I do. I mean, we always said we wanted three kids. But at the same time, I don't know if now is the time. You're still getting adjusted, you have your surgery we need to get that will put you out for a little while." Clarke explains. Lexa nods. "Do you want another one?" 

"Yeah, I mean. I didn't get to be here for Lia at the beginning. I'd like to be here for another baby, but you're right. I don't think I could handle another baby right now. But I do want another one eventually." Lexa says. Clarke nods.

"So we'll wait for now, and we can revisit this topic again in the next year?" Clarke suggests. Lexa smiles and nods. Clarke smiles back and resettles back into Lexa and feels Lexa kiss the top of her head and murmur in her hair that she loves her. 

//

Lexa finds a surgeon to do both her back and shoulder pro-bono because of her service in the military. The settlement had come in and both Clarke and Lexa decided to just put all of the money into a fund for both Aden and Lia and possibly for a future child. Once the kids were back in school, Lexa had her surgery which was a success. They had been able to repair the muscle tissue and bones pretty extensively, but it'd mean Lexa can't pick up anything and has to walk incredibly slow for the next months ahead. Lexa lays in bed trying to find the local channel where the High School football game is being broadcast. She has yet to actually go and watch Aden play in a game in person. Clarke, Lia, and the rest of their family and friends are at the game cheering him on. It's one of the most important games of the season for him as if they win, they'll advance to the next round of play-offs in the state. 

Lexa finally finds the station and settles in, watching the game unfold. Aden is doing quite well, but the other team has been all over him, not giving him much of a chance to run with the ball. Lexa curses at the screen as she watches the other team score a touchdown at the two minute warning before halftime. The away team is now ahead by two touchdowns and Polis High's morale is wavering and it shows. Lexa watches as Polis takes the field for the offense. Aden gets thrown a beautiful pass by the quarterback but it slips out of his hands, Lexa yells as she watches piles of football players try to dive onto the ball, the other team trying to get a turnover. The other time gets the turnover and Lexa can feel Aden's spirit crumbling as the other team scores another touchdown just a few seconds before half time, now ahead by three touchdowns. 

Lexa makes a decision. She can't lay there in bed anymore and decides to go against doctors orders and go to the field. She hoists herself out of bed and puts on a sweatshirt and jeans. She puts her leg brace on, and gets her shoulder sling back in place and makes sure the back splint is still in its place as well. She makes her way out the door and begins walking to the High School. She's slow, and the streets are completely empty, but she's absolutely determined to get to that field to see her son play. She finally sees the lights of the stands and can hear the crowd and see the people going to the concessions. She gets to the front gate, winded and tired, and the people taking tickets look at her wide eyed. 

"Go ahead, Mrs. Griffin-Woods." One of the teenagers says in awe. Lexa just nods and begins limping her way into the stadium. She figures out where the Polis side is sitting and makes her way to it. Everyone that passes is looking at her wide eyed and in amazement as she climbs the ramp that leads to the bleachers. It's been a long while since she's been outside, let alone in such a massive public setting. She knows the entire town is there and where she should feel anxious, she feels nothing but determination to sit next to Clarke and their family, and cheer on her son. Lexa finally makes it to the bleachers and everyone stops and looks at her. The other side of the field is still chattering with all the people on the away bleachers. But the home bleachers, you can hear a pin drop. Lexa spots Clarke who stands wide eyed and worried and Lexa gives her a smile to reassure her. As Lexa begins to slowly walk, someone begins clapping. From there more clapping starts up and soon all the bleachers have erupted into clapping. 

Lexa clenches her jaw and keeps her eyes on where Clarke and everyone is sitting. People begin cheering and clapping for Lexa as Lexa continues to make her way to Clarke. People come up to her and tell her she's doing great and Lexa gives them quiet 'thanks' as the clapping continues. Finally she makes it to Clarke who is watery eyed and smiling at her. 

"Got a little stuffy inside." Lexa quips. Clarke laughs and nods as everyone in their row scoots over for Lexa to take a seat. Clarke helps her sit down gently and tangles their fingers together as the teams come back out on the field. Lexa spots the moment Aden realizes she's in the stands. His face lights up visibly when one of his teammates points her out. He smiles gently and Lexa does the same. Soon, the game resumes and Lexa feels the buzz of adrenaline as everyone starts yelling and screaming chants. She feels as if her arrival has helped revitalize the crowd and maybe even the players. She knows for a fact it has certainly revitalized Aden.

Aden runs a 60 yard touchdown the minute the ball is kicked off, causing Lexa to shoot up and cheer. She feels the stinging of standing up so fast but dusts it off as Aden gets hugged by his teammates. Her heart fluttering with warmth as her son beams from the rush. The defense is able to stop the away team from converting and soon Polis offense is up once more. Lexa watches as Aden once again runs the ball for nearly 40 yards, finally getting brought down at the 1 yard line. They then run the play again and Aden easily runs into the end zone with the ball. One touchdown behind. The other team is able to shave time off the clock in the next play but still unable to convert due to Polis's defense and Lexa can feel the energy of the crowd getting more and more excited as the 4th quarter is starting. 

After being stopped finally, the other team gets the ball, Polis still down by one touchdown. Luckily, Polis defense steps up once more and stops them from converting. They then try for a field goal but their kicker misses, making the crowd go wild with excitement as Polis offense steps up. Lexa looks down the line of everyone in her row. Her father is yelling with cupped hands while holding Lia on his hips, who is mimicking him. She goes back to the memories of her father and herself being in the exact same position when she was Lia's age, although she wasn't yelling with him. Just observing and smiling as she watched him get into it. Clarke is next to her yelling affirmations to their son as well and Lexa smiles, before turning her eyes back to the game. The clock hits the two minute warning after Polis' offense is on their third down at only the 10 yard line. She watches as Aden and his team huddle up with the coach and discuss their execution and how they'll convert. Finally, the refs blow their whistles and Lexa watches intently as Polis lines up. She watches Aden switch sides, throwing off the person who had been guarding him, and soon they call hike. Aden barely runs ahead when the quarterback flips the ball to him and he takes off. 

Lexa springs up once more, not able to contain her excitement as Aden avoids every enemy player trying to tackle him. He hurdles over them, stiffs arms them, simply evades them by side stepping until he dives into a somersault into the end zone. Lexa and Clarke both holler in excitement and Lexa feels the other parents patting her on the back and congratulating them on Aden's performance as Lexa beams. They are now tied up and Lexa knows they are going for two. The clock has been run down to 23 seconds and everyone is holds their breath as Polis calls the last time out to get their bearings. 

"You think they'll give it to him?" Clarke leans in to ask Lexa. Lexa shrugs.

"They might not just for the fact that this half he's scored all their touchdowns. The other team might be expecting it now and will probably be all over him." Lexa tells her. Clarke nods and they return their eyes back to the game as the ref signals for them to line up once more. Aden moves around a lot as the quarterback calls out different plays. Soon he calls hike and Lexa holds her breath.

She watches as Aden evades a defender and runs diagonally to the very corner of the end zone. Right as the quarterback throws it up high in the air, the other defenders crowd him, trying to bat the ball down. Aden leaps up higher than all of them to catch the ball and Lexa watches as he falls into the crowded corner, not being able to see if he still had the ball or if he went out of bounds. What felt like ages, finally, a ref blows his whistle while holding up the touchdown sign and she watches as Aden holds his arm up underneath the pile, showing he still had the ball. The stands erupt and Clarke hugs Lexa and Lexa yells out for Aden in excitement. Soon the other team gets off of Aden and his team and coach go rushing into the end zone as well as the High Schoolers to celebrate. Lexa watches with nothing but pride as Aden is hugged and lifted up, she then watches as he takes his helmet off, kisses his fingers and looks directly at Lexa and points to her. Clarke squeezes Lexa's forearm as Lexa feels the emotions bubbling up at the action. 

Lexa, Clarke, and Lia wait for Aden to come out of the locker room after the game. Lexa sits in the passenger seat of the car and watches the cars leave the stadium. Clarke is outside the car talking with another parent waiting for their child. Lexa slightly listens to their conversation as the passenger door is wide open and her legs are on the ground. Soon Clarke walks over with said parent.

"Lex, this is Mia's mom, Elise." Clarke introduces the woman. Lexa stands up slowly and shakes the woman's hand.

"Lexa, it's nice to meet you." Lexa tells her. She smiles and nods.

"Wonderful to meet you as well. Whenever Aden is over, he talks about you all the time." Elise tells her. Lexa smiles and then sees Mia approaching her mother by herself. 

"Hey mom, i'm ready." Mia tells Elise. Clarke smiles.

"Is he still in the locker room?" Clarke asks. Mia nods.

"Yeah he came out for a second, but forgot something and had to go grab it. He told me to tell you that he'd be out soon." Mia replies. Clarke nods.

"It was nice to finally meet you Lexa. Clarke, we'll get together for coffee sometime." Elise says. Clarke smiles warmly and nods.

"It was nice to meet you too." Lexa replies and watches as the mother and daughter disappear. Lexa peaks into the backseat of the car and chuckles at Lia completely passed out in her booster seat. "She's out like a light." Lexa tells Clarke. Clarke peaks in as well and chuckles. 

"All that excitement is a lot for a 6 year old." Clarke states. They then see Aden emerge talking with some other players before bidding them a goodbye and walking over smiling to Clarke and Lexa. Clarke hugs him tightly.

"Ugggghhhh, i'm so proud of you bud!" Clarke exclaims. He chuckles.

"Thanks mom." He says. Lexa smiles at their exchange and steps up to hug Aden. Aden wraps her up and Lexa feels him squeeze her gently. "I thought you were in bed." Aden states near her ear. Lexa chuckles and pulls away. 

"You kidding? The only way to watch your games now is in person after that performance." Lexa compliments. He smiles shyly at her. "Seriously, i'm proud of you little man." He grins even more and bends down to get something out of his gym bag. He pulls out a football and hands it to Lexa. 

"For you. I play like I always play for you. Always have and always will. So this is yours." Aden tells her. Lexa can see the grass stains and dirt and knows it's the game ball. Lexa feels a lump form in her throat and takes the ball before hugging Aden once more. After a moment they all get into the car and head home as it was well into the evening. Clarke carries Lia out of the car and the family makes their way into the house quietly. Clarke puts Lia to bed as Lexa gives Aden a quiet goodnight before getting back into bed. Soon, Clarke comes in with her painkillers and a glass of water and the two settle into the sheets. Lexa falls asleep quickly and her demons are still there, faint, but still there. 

//

It's on a Thursday in late fall they get the call. Michael Quint has been found hiding out at a relatives in Kansas, after said relative turned him in. He had been transferred to D.C. to be questioned and thus far, they haven't made any strides to get him talking. Lexa felt her stomach plummet, thinking it would be better if they never found him. After going into the bathroom to throw up and have a slight mental breakdown, she re-emerges to a concern looking Clarke.

"I'm fine." Lexa tells her as she makes her way to the fridge to grab a bottle of water.

"It's okay if you're not, you know." Clarke states, watching Lexa's movements. She's rigid and stiff as she gulps down the entire contents of the water bottle. "Tell me what you're thinking, don't shut me out." Clarke pleads. Lexa turns away from her and sets her palms on the countertop. Clarke stands from where she had been seated and walks over to Lexa. She wraps her arms around her torso from behind and buries her nose into Lexa's spine, kissing occasionally. She feels Lexa slowly relax into Clarke's hold. 

Lexa takes a deep breath. "I don't know what i'm feeling. I honestly thought he was probably dead, but now? I have no clue." Lexa speaks quietly. Clarke nods into Lexa's spine and tightens her hold onto Lexa. She places a tender kiss to her spine before moving her head to the side so she can look at her. Lexa turns her head and meets Clarke's eyes. Clarke can see the fear and confusion within the irises.

"You don't have to figure out your feelings right now. Just promise me that you'll talk to me, okay?" Clarke says. Lexa nods and turns in Clarke's embrace to hug her. Lexa buries her face into the crook of Clarke's neck, inhaling the calming scent of her. Soft and delicate. So far away from a time of war and brutality. She sinks into the comfort for a minute before pulling away. Lexa spends the rest of the day and evening in a contemplative state.

She's not exactly thrown back into flashbacks or anything. She just can't figure out what exactly her feelings are about Quint. The prison camp has clouded whatever she had been feeling beforehand. The sense of wanting revenge, she remembers. She knows now that's not something she wants. He did perpetuate everything that happened, yes. But it's Mengenala that has haunted her the most. She mostly would just like to figure out why he did what he did, what did she do to him that made him hate her so much to leave her in a shallow grave?

So when Clarke and Lexa lay side by side together after making love, Lexa whispers her true thoughts into the darkness.

"I want to see him one on one."

Clarke calls Marcus the next morning to see if Lexa can get into the interview room with Quint. Marcus tells her it's okay, and that maybe Lexa could actually help get them some leeway as Quint hasn't asked for a lawyer or has talked at all. Before Lexa knows it, they are driving into DC. They make it to a precinct and Marcus meets them. He looks exhausted but smiles gently at both Clarke and Lexa as they enter. He informs them that military officials have tried getting him to speak or at least request a lawyer and he hasn't done either. Clarke stops Lexa for a moment by grabbing her forearm.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Clarke asks. Lexa pauses for a moment, looking at the fear in Clarke's eyes. She gives her a small reassuring smile. 

"I need to do this." Lexa tells her, never breaking eye contact. She swallows and speaks, "Alone." Clarke opens her mouth to protest but Lexa shakes her head. "No. I have to do this on my own and I just need you to let me, okay?"

Clarke feels uncomfortable letting Lexa be alone with Quint, but she also knows she trusts Lexa more than anything. So she reluctantly nods. She takes her hand to the back of Lexa's neck and pulls her in for a kiss. They break apart after a moment and Lexa smiles at her.

"I love you." Clarke says. Lexa nods.

"I love you too." She tells her. She then lets go of Clarke's hand and walks with Marcus to an interview room as another official shows Clarke where she can sit and wait. Marcus asks Lexa for her to not get too crazy. Just try to get him talking. Lexa nods as she waits for Marcus to open a door that will inevitably lead her to the man that started this whole mess. He opens the door and Lexa holds her breath for a moment as she steps into the room. 

Michael Quint is thinner than what she remembered. He has dark circles underneath his eyes. He looks up at the door entrance and their eyes meet for the first time in years. Lexa thinks that she should feel afraid or anger when she makes eye contact with him, but she doesn't. Quint on the other hand looks as white as a ghost. He stares at her wide eyed as Lexa walks further into the room and takes the chair right across from him. His eyes never leave her face until Lexa is situated and looks up into his eyes once more. He turns away, as if burned by the stare. 

The two sit in a long silence. Quint trying to avoid Lexa's gaze as she stares him down. Finally, Lexa finds her voice.

"Why?" She states. He doesn't react. No wincing, nothing. He stays with his head turned to the side staring at a point on the floor. Lexa sighs and leans back in the chair. She thinks maybe she will just wait him out. He'll crack eventually when his own ghost is sitting in the chair in front of him. She waits for what seems like hours and then she realizes something.

Knowing why he did the things he did will not bring her peace. Knowing why he didn't like her from the beginning wouldn't help her move on. None of it would. She's already been moving on. She crinkles her eyes as the thoughts come racing into her head. Why she truly is in front of him. 

"What you did, the choices you made-I could list all the things you fucked up in my life. But i'm not going to do that. Because I have to believe there is some human compassion in you and you feel some sort of guilt. I could yell at you, hit you as hard as I can, but what will that do? It won't give me back those years. It won't magically turn back time to make different decisions. You see all of this was a line. A butterfly effect and we could go back and pin-point what was the decision that screwed everything up. Was it going to the river? Was it running down the river instead of trying to fight back? Was it camping out where we were at? Was it the time of night I was on my rotation? It could go on and on, but what does that do? Nothing. It does nothing. Holding onto whatever anger is still there within me-nothing. It won't do anything to change things. The past is exactly that-the past. So, i'm forgiving you. I do want to make it clear that i'm not forgiving you for your sake, i'm doing it for me. For my family. For my life. Because if I just stew in this resentment, this irrevocable hatred, for the people that fucked me up over the years...it'd just make me like them. I'd be turning into you. Into Mengenala. Into Azgeda rebels. I don't want that. I don't believe my family would want that. So I forgive you." And with that, Lexa doesn't wait for a reaction from him. She stands and leaves the room. The weight of all her demons somehow gone, vanished.

She meets with Clarke and she can tell Clarke is studying her to see if she is indeed okay. Lexa just gives her a small smile and nods, answering her silent question. They bid goodbye to Marcus and go back to their vehicle driving back to Polis. 

When they arrive home in the evening, they finally get another call from Marcus. Quint had confessed not long after Lexa left. They were charging him with everything and sentencing would be in a few weeks but they expect the judge will hand him a life sentence. He also informs them that Quint had Lexa's ring that had her's and Clarke's wedding date engraved into the underside of the band. He'd be mailing it to their home. Lexa doesn't feel relief, or even guilt. She feels peace.

She feels peace as Clarke sits down next to her on the couch with a bowl of popcorn. She feels peace as Aden sits down on her other side and grins boyishly at her. She feels peace as Lia climbs into her lap and leans back into her hold. She feels peace as Judy Garland belts 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow'. And that's exactly it. She's made it over that rainbow. There was hurt, guilt, pain, death. But she made it. She's alive and she's at peace. Will bad days never seek her out? No. She knows she'll still have bad days. But the good days will always outweigh them and that-that's worth everything. The good days with her family, with Clarke by her side, makes the journey from hell and back absolutely worth it.

 

 


	31. A Soft Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again the amount of love and support for this story has been incredible! Here's the finale that you can read instead of watching the show that should not be named haha. If you guys have any prompts you want to see, one-shots or multi-chapter stories, go ahead and put your ideas in the comments or you can hit me up on tumblr: cohenatwood.tumblr.com. Love you guys and thank you so much for the support and love! :)

**5 years later...**

Lexa stands in front of a metal gate. The sign on top is worn now, the seasons having changed and rusted the iron. She stares at the gate for a long moment, remembering the first time she had been in the back of a military jeep with an aching head. When she saw the name at the top and the way her stomach had twisted in on itself. As she reads the name now, that feeling is gone. She knows now when she enters the gates it will not lock in on her. She won't be fearing for her life every second of her existence. She feels a tug on her pants and looks down. She's met with cyan eyes. The perfect mixture of her's and Clarke's eyes and a mop of curly brown hair. The two and a half year old grins up at her with missing teeth. Lexa looks down and smiles at him as he outstretches his arms for her.

"Mama, can I get up?" The little boy asks innocently. Lexa bends down carefully and hoists her son up. He wraps his tiny arms around her neck and rests his head on her shoulder. The two stare at the gate for a few moments before she feels someone else sidle up beside her. She turns her head and is met with familiar eyes. Eyes she spent years behind those gates with.

"You ready to go in?" Cooper asks. Lexa swallows and then nods. She looks behind her and sees Clarke with Lia and Aden, both now grown, waiting patiently to enter the gates with the many other former POW's and their families. Lexa gestures with her head for them to follow and Cooper, Lexa, and her latest edition to their family walk through. She feels her baby son gripping her shirt and sigh, the plane ride having exhausted the young boy already. She places a kiss in his curly brown hair and he lifts his head up to place a sloppy kiss on Lexa's cheek before laying his head back down. "He's a cutie." Cooper comments. Lexa looks over and nods.

"It feels weird having children being here." Lexa states. Cooper nods but doesn't talk any further. They make it to the square where the monument has been erected. All the names of the people who died or were in the camp carved perfectly in stone. It's a lot more pristine than the carvings in the tiny shed where Lexa is pretty sure her name is still carved. The camp had been named a historical landmark a couple years before, Weather paying money to have it up-kept and putting a memorial for the American soldiers who were brutally killed and starved in the camp. Over time, the rumors the soldiers had heard during the war about the camp being the most brutal were proved right. Thousands upon thousands had been murdered at this camp, Lexa can hardly comprehend how she managed to escape the surefire death sentence when the final statistics came out. 

Clarke comes up to Lexa as Lexa stares at the stone, looking for different names. 

"Do you want me to take Ethan?" She asks, gesturing to a sleepy baby gripping tightly to Lexa's shirt. Lexa shakes her head.

"He's fine. I think the trip is exhausting him." Lexa comments. Clarke nods and turns to look at the monument, it's stone with a woman soldier and a male soldier on it. The woman soldier is helping pull the male soldier up by their hands, below it is the slab of stone where countless names are. Aden and Lia move closer to look for Lexa's name. Over time, Lia has been taught what exactly happened to Lexa for the first years of her life. Before she hadn't known, just that one day Clarke is telling her that Lexa was no longer with them and then she was. Now she understands what had happened. Lexa walks closer to her other kids, Aden now in college and a lot older. Lexa puts her hand on Lia's head and massages her hair for a moment until she turns around and smiles. 

"We're looking for your name." Lia tells her. Lexa smiles gently and nods. 

"It's right here. Private Alexandria Griffin-Woods." Aden says after a moment and points to the small carving where Lexa's name sits. Lexa adjusts her now sleeping son and leans forward to look. Lexa stares at the name and feels all sorts of emotions. Her proof that she had been there. That she went through the same hell all the other soldiers whose names are on the stone went through. Soon they are asking for everyone to take seats so some officials can preform a ceremony for the former POW's and memorialize the fallen ones. Lexa tunes out a little when she spots a lot of the former guards that were apart of the camp standing solemnly and nervous off to the side.

She knows most of those guards had been tried and were either acquitted or handed down lesser sentences. The military officials were mostly interested in the higher up guards like Mengenala. Unfortunately, he had killed himself when the bounty was placed, so he never saw judgement day unless you believe in a higher power, which Lexa isn't sure about still. But even then, Lexa's not sure if she'd be able to see him be punished. Surprisingly when she had learned of Mengenala's fate she felt pity for him more than anything. An emotion she wasn't expecting. She thinks it has to do with there already having been enough death and destruction.

After they're done saying their piece, the officials let them go, letting them know they can explore the camp where different plaques are set up. Lexa hands a sleeping Ethan to Clarke and whispers that she'd like to walk around the camp by herself. Clarke seems to understand what Lexa is doing and she smiles and nods. Lia and Aden walk around with each other as Lexa takes off. She first goes to the tiny shed she had first been brought to. A plaque is set up detailing what had happened to every individual who had come through the gates. Lexa looks around to make sure no one is looking and opens the wooden door. The waste bucket is still there but empty, the maggots all over the floor non-existent. She looks at the walls and sees the names carved are still present. Lexa looks and finds the names she had first spotted when she had been in the shed, she then sees her name. She thought she'd have some sort of flashback by entering the shed as it was a part of the first time she had been beaten, but nothing comes.

She exits the shed and makes her way across the camp to where she use to sleep. She finds the cabin like place and sees families walking into it carefully. Lexa, almost like a reflex, keeps her head down and goes directly to where she spent almost six years sleeping and nursing her wounds from beatings. She looks at the door and it looks the same. She carefully opens it and an official of the camp tries to stop her.

"I'm sorry m'am but we can't let people go inside all the rooms." He says in a thick accent. Lexa looks at him.

"I use to sleep in here." She states simply, gaining the attention of some of the families. He looks at her wide eyed and then nods. He then opens the door for her and allows Lexa to step inside. Lexa looks around the tiny space. Her tattered wool blanket is no longer on the floor. Her random drawings and writings on the wooden panels are there though. She had carved into the wood with her fingernails many times, especially to get her mind off of the injuries of the day. She crouches down and looks at the writings and pictures. The certain panel she use to tap Morse Code on to Cooper. She runs her fingertips over the carvings. She hears a throat clear and looks over towards the door. Aden, Lia, Clarke, and a sleeping Ethan are standing there. She smiles gently at them but then returns her attention back to the carvings.

She feels Aden crouch down with her, "Are these yours?" He asks tentatively in a hushed tone. Lexa nods and points to where she had written Aden's name and had been trying to remember what age he would be.

"I wrote how old you were when I could figure out what day it was and year." She informs him. Lexa watches as he traces over the lines. "See this panel here?" Lexa taps on one of the panels, Aden nods, "I use to tap on this to communicate with Cooper on the other side at the end of the day." Lexa taps out a random message to show him and Aden just watches intently. Lexa sighs, memories coming into her head of the many nights of laying in that exact spot, wondering if she would be seeing her family ever again. Now they were there with her. Aden senses Lexa tensing and wraps a strong arm around her shoulder and squeezes. 

"Thank you for showing us, Mama." He whispers. Lexa gives him a sad smile and nods. 

"Absolutely, little man." She tells him. He smiles and stands. Lexa looks over at the door and sees Clarke wiping her eyes while rubbing Ethan's back. Lia is just watching both Aden and Lexa softly. Lexa stands next to Aden and gestures for them to head out of the prison cells. Aden and Lia walk ahead of Lexa and Clarke. Lexa places a kiss on Clarke's head, sensing her wife is still emotional.

"I can't believe that's where you were all those years. It's so small." Clarke's voice cracks. Lexa doesn't really know how to comfort her or what to say to that. She just nods and puts an arm around her shoulder, playing with Ethan's hair as she places another reassuring kiss to Clarke's head. 

Once outside, they walk around together for awhile longer to the beach and docks. Lexa points out for them where she use to haul coal and where the boats would be. The sun starts to set and they decide to head back to their hotel. As they walk through the square, Lexa stops when she passes the guards quarters. 

"You guys go ahead, I'll meet you outside the gate." She tells her family. Clarke nods and they split up. Lexa walks to the building and opens the door.

She remembers all the times Mengenala would drag her in there after beating her to try and be friends. He'd offer puffs of his cigar, force her to play poker and participate in banter. He'd give her extra sips of water and keep repeating that he 'isn't so bad'. Lexa looks around the room, the things that use to make up the room stripped away. It use to have Mengenala's personal photos and a makeshift table where he'd sit and make her play card games. He'd sometimes make her stay up all night with him even though she was still bleeding all over and then when the sun rose, he'd make her go to work. Usually during the day, it's like he realized he was trying to be friends with his enemy and would seek Lexa out once more on the mountain and beat her again. 

She does remember him mentioning during those moments that he had a family. A mother, a wife, a child. It's hard for Lexa to imagine that someone like him could attain that sort of life. Lexa thinks about his family and how it must have felt to hear about the things he did. How he made Honon the worst POW camp during the war. The statistics of how many people's death he ordered. She wonders how it felt for him to be portrayed as a devil in a uniform. Was he like that with his own family? Or did the perils of war and circumstances break his psyche? Lexa knows all too well how a person can change when they've seen the things she saw, or other soldiers saw. Bogie couldn't get past it, ending his life a year after being home. Cooper having attempted to end his life three years earlier. So many other soldiers constantly taking their own lives, not being able to handle what they did or saw during the war. And Lexa would be lying to herself if she said she never thought about doing the same thing. 

But she also knows it was a circumstance in time. A moment that has gone and past. That better days have happened, and are ahead. But sometimes when the walls are closing in it's hard to see it. She figures that's what happened to Mengenala. The walls had closed in and he decided it was better to be forever in the darkness. She can't fault him for that, knowing he probably realized what he had become, killing himself out of remorse. It reminds Lexa that he was human. The moments where he dragged her out of her cell, were his human moments. No matter how on edge it had made her during the time, he was being human. He was a person at the end of the day, with a family. He wasn't this figurative demon, he was a person. Sometimes people can do unspeakable things, but it doesn't negate the fact that he was in fact human. And she feels nothing but pity for the man that almost broke her completely. 

As she stares at where Mengenala use to sleep, and she feels a long stored away weight in her chest lift. She knows what it is, having felt it when she visited Quint all those years ago. Forgiveness. Not for him, but for herself. 

"I forgive you." Lexa murmurs into the quiet room. With that admission, she turns on her heel and walks out of the guards quarters. She makes it to the front gates where Clarke, Lia, Aden, and Ethan are waiting patiently. Clarke perks up, having spotted Lexa headed their way. 

"You okay?" Clarke asks tentatively. Lexa smiles at her and nods. She leans forward and presses a kiss to Clarke's lips and takes Ethan into her arms, kissing his head. She then looks at her other children and Clarke and smiles at them.

"Let's go home."


End file.
